Today
So, Today, i live, I breathe, i smile, i laugh.... BUT
my life has not been so easy.... i have LOST so many in between
I have lost my Mom, Diane Arsenault......how i wish we had more time...
YEs im so blessed, for the time we had, BUT you know we needed more
i was ur baby, i needed more, i deserved more, but you were stolen from me,
im grateful for every moment, mom, trust me.... BUT being a grown woman,
almost 50, u think i have all the anwers, NOOOO, i need you more than you know,
and your not here.....i miss you, i need you.. i act strong, i play the role, shoot i raised 4 of my own, and i cant complain, they are pretty good kids, pretty sure you would be a proud nana,... i hope i make u proud, i struggle, i put a smile, yea im grumpy and menopausal, but you know im doing what i can... but without you, with all of ive gone through, shoot i second guess me all the time, am i smart enough? was that the best decison? should i have done something different? am i ugly?
i know you had a BIG HEart, and i do too, and i know you LOVED ME... even when we were apart. for the reasons you needed , Mom i miss you, i need you, i wish you were here, to guide me, to tell me, i m ok.. to say that im me, but i guess i know it right?,
so much has happened, we lost you, we lost Nana, We lost Thomas, and then we lost Christina.... OMG>>> how we we lose kids? i didnt understand the volume of what nana said when she said " this isnt right, how do you bury your kid? this isnt natural?
so nana buried you, Linda buried Thomas, Donna buried Christina, and WE all are heartbroken...
thank you for being my mom, thank u for being honest, , and OMG, thank you for the memories we have... i miss you, i can hear you, i feel your hugs, i can see you, i feel the energy, you loved me SOOO much...
so sad you left me... im almost 50 years old, and you know what i need more than aything?.... just you, i needyou to smile . say "honey... i love you.... no matter what you do im so proud of you....
How can i at almsot 50 still cry at the concept of making my mom proud? how is my heart still broken? i lost her, i lost my niece, i lost my nephew, HUGE parts of my life....and i have to pretend im ok... yea...im ok.. i guess
but i miss them.i hear their laughter, i hear their comments.. i imagine my life with them. OMG... crazy...
life is just that...LIFE... so dont blink,.dont cry, dont sleep, cuz it FLASHES by you,
and then your spent wondering,your brain and heart hurt, cuz somehow you should have - or could have. yea you know....i pinch myself every day, I pray and hope,.....but in the end, i have to KNOW that i did it right... and i give it to Jehovah, cuz i cant take it myself./.. im hurt,. sad, broken, a little lost, but if he takes it, i can find my way.....i pray i did it right.....