it always works out
i've been meaning to update this for weeks. something happens or i get into deep thought about something and i'm like "wow i should really update my lj". sometimes it helps me think. sometimes i write an entire entry and end up getting over whatever i'm complaining about and never actually post the entry. lately, i haven't even opened the site.
i'm not sure why i've neglected writing in here. i know i have many more important things to say now than i did when i updated frequently, but as i have more and more fruitful conversations with the fascinating people in my life, i rely more on that face-to-face discussion than words on a computer screen to sort out my thoughts.
i'm an extremely lucky girl to have found people that i can tell my every thought, problem, annoyance, etc and know that they will give me their honest opinion or just listen. i've met some amazing people over the last year. one in particular stands out. we're in two totally different places in our lives, but i can tell her anything. she is who i want to be. not that i want to be someone else, but i look up to her and hope that i will be able to one day have someone look at me the way i look at her. i want someone to respect me like i respect her, to hold me in as high regard as i do her. i want to be more professional and articulate and confident because she inspires me to always strive to be a better person. i bet she doesn't even know.
i apologize for going in such circles, but the next part is probably going to be confusing.
a few weeks ago i was feeling particularly down. i couldn't shake the feeling that nothing ever lasts. everything kept coming at me and i was just upset about it all. i went to a BBQ at my grandma's and everyone kept talking about when she's going to move out. everytime such things are discussed, i get really annoyed that it is even being considered. my grandma has lived in the same house my entire life. i've had most of my birthday parties around the pool in her backyard and celebrated every christmas of my life in her family room. i dont want that to be gone. so in the middle of a sunny, july afternoon i'm sitting in the backyard near the pool, surrounded by family and friends and i realize that its more than just this house and those memories i've already mentioned. i think the part that bothers me the most is that my great grandma was everything to our family. she was what kept us all together, we all took part in taking care of her and we all looked forward to one more easter, thanksgiving, and christmas with her in that house. ever since she passed away, everything is different, i don't think there has been a single holiday since where the entire family has been there, at least not all at once. i can see us slowing pulling away from each other. with her gone, and my grandma's house gone, what is going to happen? i'm scared to find out.
so i was at missy's a while ago and we went for a nice walk and she showed me her secret place. i'm so lucky to have people who trust me enough to take me to such places and open up to me about their deepest secrets and tell me all the details of their lives. i told her how i was feeling about nothing lasting and how when i was little all i wanted was to be able to introduce a friend to someone and say "this is ____, i've been friends with her for ___ years". it was during that conversation that i realized i can do that. i can bring sarah around and say we've been friends for 13 years.
i guess everything comes full circle. missy and shanda were making me crazy (in a good way) with all their scheming for my birthday surprises. and i got nervous because i was scared that i would have too many expectations for the whole weekend and be disappointed. i was also scared for my life. lol. i ended up having the most amazing weekend ever. now, i don't need surprises to know that those girls love me, but i've never had anyone make such a big deal out of my birthday and i felt so special because of the time and thought they put into everything. i mean the 6 of us in our room had personalized shirts with my face on them and they got me two different tiaras to wear over the weekend, because one had to have rhinestones to match my dress. what made it all come together was shanda's card about how amazing it is that we've spent the last 7 birthdays together and we have so many more ahead of us. i swear she can read my mind.
maybe i was right, maybe nothing lasts forever....maybe it just gets better as it grows with time.
i'm not sure why i've neglected writing in here. i know i have many more important things to say now than i did when i updated frequently, but as i have more and more fruitful conversations with the fascinating people in my life, i rely more on that face-to-face discussion than words on a computer screen to sort out my thoughts.
i'm an extremely lucky girl to have found people that i can tell my every thought, problem, annoyance, etc and know that they will give me their honest opinion or just listen. i've met some amazing people over the last year. one in particular stands out. we're in two totally different places in our lives, but i can tell her anything. she is who i want to be. not that i want to be someone else, but i look up to her and hope that i will be able to one day have someone look at me the way i look at her. i want someone to respect me like i respect her, to hold me in as high regard as i do her. i want to be more professional and articulate and confident because she inspires me to always strive to be a better person. i bet she doesn't even know.
i apologize for going in such circles, but the next part is probably going to be confusing.
a few weeks ago i was feeling particularly down. i couldn't shake the feeling that nothing ever lasts. everything kept coming at me and i was just upset about it all. i went to a BBQ at my grandma's and everyone kept talking about when she's going to move out. everytime such things are discussed, i get really annoyed that it is even being considered. my grandma has lived in the same house my entire life. i've had most of my birthday parties around the pool in her backyard and celebrated every christmas of my life in her family room. i dont want that to be gone. so in the middle of a sunny, july afternoon i'm sitting in the backyard near the pool, surrounded by family and friends and i realize that its more than just this house and those memories i've already mentioned. i think the part that bothers me the most is that my great grandma was everything to our family. she was what kept us all together, we all took part in taking care of her and we all looked forward to one more easter, thanksgiving, and christmas with her in that house. ever since she passed away, everything is different, i don't think there has been a single holiday since where the entire family has been there, at least not all at once. i can see us slowing pulling away from each other. with her gone, and my grandma's house gone, what is going to happen? i'm scared to find out.
so i was at missy's a while ago and we went for a nice walk and she showed me her secret place. i'm so lucky to have people who trust me enough to take me to such places and open up to me about their deepest secrets and tell me all the details of their lives. i told her how i was feeling about nothing lasting and how when i was little all i wanted was to be able to introduce a friend to someone and say "this is ____, i've been friends with her for ___ years". it was during that conversation that i realized i can do that. i can bring sarah around and say we've been friends for 13 years.
i guess everything comes full circle. missy and shanda were making me crazy (in a good way) with all their scheming for my birthday surprises. and i got nervous because i was scared that i would have too many expectations for the whole weekend and be disappointed. i was also scared for my life. lol. i ended up having the most amazing weekend ever. now, i don't need surprises to know that those girls love me, but i've never had anyone make such a big deal out of my birthday and i felt so special because of the time and thought they put into everything. i mean the 6 of us in our room had personalized shirts with my face on them and they got me two different tiaras to wear over the weekend, because one had to have rhinestones to match my dress. what made it all come together was shanda's card about how amazing it is that we've spent the last 7 birthdays together and we have so many more ahead of us. i swear she can read my mind.
maybe i was right, maybe nothing lasts forever....maybe it just gets better as it grows with time.