Can't help but feel like a failure..
And yet at the same time I don't care because school is almost over and all I want to do this break is kill myself with exercise. I want to lose so much weight it's ridiculous and I know that I'm going to do it. I can't imagine a better feeling than spending HOURS in the gym, sweating like mad, running until I'm about to fall off the treadmill altogether and almost passing out from lack of food. Losing 5 lbs a week even if it's mostly water weight. Using laxatives and such and feeling that rush you get when you see that you've lost another pound. The feeling I have in the morning where I'm completely empty and I can just feel that I'm one lb less. It's going to be spectacular and it's going to be all mine. And purging....I miss purging daily. How strange is that. Just eating a small meal and getting rid of it. Leaving behind just enough to be able to say that I at least ate SOMETHING! Fasting's going to be sporadic for sure, but I'm going to try. And I can't wait to see the look on people's faces next semester when I'm visibly thinner. I don't know why the desire to be this way has hit me all of a sudden, but I can't wait. I'm so excited! I'm going to reread Twilight and I'm going to start on the Harry Potter books. Hopefully I'll get through 2 or 3 of them before the semester begins. I'm looking forward to dropping another couple of pant sizes and finally being the weight that I see myself at. It can't come soon enough! You better believe that this is all going to start on 12/5, the last official day of classes. I'm not even going to wait till finals are over. I can't wait that long! I'm going to get my hair cut into a nice style, and I'm going to buy some new clothes to show off my weight loss and it's going to be great!
I watched Wall-E about 5 or 6 times this weekend, I just let it play over and over while I did stuff and I can quote the movie even with the lack of dialogue.
And I've made a new friend in a classmate who I study with often. We just talked for a couple of hours and I can tell she's going to be really beneficial in my life. It's amazing how people come into your life right when u need them to.
I'm ready. I ready for winter break. I'm ready to be a new person physically. I'm ready to be thinner than I've ever been. I'm ready to get my swimsuit body where I'm thin with curves. I'll always have cellulite, but at least my ass won't be HUGE on top of it. Although, I won't have any boob-age.
All I can do right now is binge and purge for some reason, maybe because I'm about to kill my body and I'm getting in all of the sweets and fast foods that I can before then. The gym is calling me loudly and I'm ready to answer the call.
I hope everyone is doing well and I'll check in later. Byes!
I watched Wall-E about 5 or 6 times this weekend, I just let it play over and over while I did stuff and I can quote the movie even with the lack of dialogue.
And I've made a new friend in a classmate who I study with often. We just talked for a couple of hours and I can tell she's going to be really beneficial in my life. It's amazing how people come into your life right when u need them to.
I'm ready. I ready for winter break. I'm ready to be a new person physically. I'm ready to be thinner than I've ever been. I'm ready to get my swimsuit body where I'm thin with curves. I'll always have cellulite, but at least my ass won't be HUGE on top of it. Although, I won't have any boob-age.
All I can do right now is binge and purge for some reason, maybe because I'm about to kill my body and I'm getting in all of the sweets and fast foods that I can before then. The gym is calling me loudly and I'm ready to answer the call.
I hope everyone is doing well and I'll check in later. Byes!