Until you're resting here with me...
I never thought of coming back to this god-fucksaken journal in this state. Bastard fucking hell. The last two weeks had been pretty good if not for the fuckin 'Love Actually' movie which I had just finished watching.
Quick impression. "It's uh... self-preservation thing, you see." Fuckin God I'm gonna be stuck with that phrase for a fucking long time. Maybe, all these while this phrase had been my excuse for not pursuing the things that I should have been pursuing back then. I knew that watching that show was gonna be a bad idea. No- that show was great. No flaws, really. No silly bastardization of moronic teenie flicks that's been flooding the goddamned industry. For once, the movie was quite a sheer brilliant piece of work.
But that part. That particular bloody part resurrected one of the darkest painful memories I've been carrying unconsciously. I wouldn't be in this predicament if it weren't for that part. That fuckin 'self-preservation' part. I knew I remember what the memory were, but neverI have thought of remembering it in the sort of way like what I'm doing now. Nothing, NOTHING will ever feel right about anything, ever AGAIN.
I'm so fucking depressed. Below is what I wrote ealier somewhere and since I'm too much of a lazy motheruckin ass to write, I'm simply copy-pasting everything.Besides, I think I haven't really wrote something so honest before anywhere. Just in case that other place or even this place goes crappy. I wanted to write a lot about what have been trespassing my mind just now. But these will have to do...
I need to record this here to remind myself. FUCKIN FEEL SORRY ALREADY!
___
" It's bloody 5.15am here. And right now I'm listening to Dido's 'Here With Me' track again and again quite loudly. I don't fucking care about the neighbours. Tomorrow is Saturday. They can catch their sleep tomorrow, while here I am, stuck with nobody but you.
Yes, hello MISS MINK. Guess I would have to learn to ignore that sinister grin of yours everytime I see you from now on. Yes, yes I'm back. I come back to you now. Am I signalling my defeat in doing so? I hope not.
Let me tell you something about just now. I have just finished watching a movie called 'Love Actually'. I don't normally buy into that 'all love have a happy ending' crap. But I was assured by some friends that it doesn't involve some silly teenie flicks. So okay, I took their bait. The show was good. No- I honestly think it was brilliant. It's been quite some time since I last watched a show I truly enjoyed such as just now. What's the connection between our session now and that movie? Patience MISS MINK, patience. I will tell you all about it.
There was this part in that show, a part where Juliet finds out out that her husband's best friend has had a crush on her for some quite some time. She discovered that when she went to the guy's place looking for a better footage of her wedding ceremony, when in fact EVERYTHING in that tape was HER footage all along. So when the guy realized that his secret has been brutally revealed, he crumbled, mumbled some junks and his exact words before leaving the place were "It's uh... self-preservervation thing, you see." With those words he left, his heart all crushed to million pieces, he hesitated outside the door, ultimately trying to decide whether to tell her EVERYTHING, how had he felt all these time, or to just walk away. They weren't on talking terms before that. Not that they were at odds with each other or what, but like what he had said, it was all 'self-preservation'. So he walked away.
The thing is, MISS MINK, why does that sight depresses me? Why am I peturbed about it? Why do I catch myself rewinding that part over and over and over again, trying my utmost best to cry, but to my disappointment, I just can't. Why am I being so fucking clueless about everything? Why HAD I been so fucking clueless about everything? As you may have figured out, I made this particular blunder in the past. The scenario was exactly the same. I guess I was also having the bloody same self-preservation thing going on back then. I am not about to divulge more on this matter. Maybe later. But the thing is, I am so fucking broken at the moment. I fucking regret watching that show. Yes, I'm regretting it now. That show brought back so many memories. Some of those I even don't bloody remember. But it's all here now. I'm so fucking sick, I'm fucking angry, angry at myself. Each day I began to slowly realize that I am such a fucking goner. A loser. A fucking freak! I'm a big joking FREAK because I am obviously too weak than I had initially thought. I had been thinking that EVERY single thing that had happened would not bother me. I had thought that I was being strong for myself. The image of me walking away from her right after I uttered those words repeats itself now like a broken record. It plays the fucking same thing over and over again without showing the rest of the memory. It's absurd for me to admit that it was the ONLY fucking regret that I've bore all these while. It turned out that THAT exact period of fucking stupidity is the ONLY thing I have to fondly remember by. Fondly? You asked. Well, yes. 'Fondly', because I have the luxury, if I could ever call it a luxury, of keeping on repeating the same scenario at my will. At least I have a friggin memory to hate myself by. How can I be so stupid to think that I was just being strong to have just walked off like that. God why was I so naive and STUPID? Why am I too fucking STUPID to realize then that things would have been just nice and cozy if I would have just stayed back with her, continuing the motions that I have planned long before that. Things would have lasted till this very day. How can I be so sure, you asked. Well, I rarely made mistakes when it comes to judging people from their actual personalities. She was, as far as I am, or have, concerned perfect. She was brilliant. She was all and everything that I could have possible asked for. Even dream.
Up till now, I can't understand why I had just left her like that. Left her to make her own conclusions rather than STAY and help her figure them out. Why had I believed that things would have worked itself out, even without my interventions. WHY HAVE I FUCKING LEFT HER ALONE THAT TIME? WHY FUCKIN GOD? WHY?
MISS MINK, I'm all washed up now. I can't think. I can't do jack shit about everything. I hate to admit this, but I'm depressed. I am not deprived, but I made myself deprived of some of the things that I think I had at least deserved. Why this wall around me? Why the self-preservation crap? WHY FUCKIN EVERYTHING?
Well MISS MINK, looks like our second session is a bit obscured. Believe me, in time I will tell you why. But now, I just feel like grabbing my carkeys and drive to nowhere with this Dido's song playing endlessly. The next time I read THIS session of ours, I will play this song, regardless of what you have to say about it. Have I told you why I like being in this fucking clueless situation? The hard cold fact is because I find it to be a pleasurable torment that I would gladly take with me wherever I go, knowing not so surely that at least I am the one going through it, instead of others. I'm not being nice. In fact, I don't do this because for their sakes. But rather, I'm doing this because I fucking HATE myself. And at the same time I loved myself for it. I am the most selfish person I know. I don't give jack shit to what others might say. I don't listen to others. I listen to ONLY myself. Maybe that's my mistake. Maybe, that's my ONLY fuckin mistake. Are there even a word more hideous, or ugly, or worse, than HATE? Cause if there is, that's how EXACTLY how I'm feeling about myself. I can't kill myself, cause I know death isn't the solution. Suicide means defeat. And I am not YET defeated.
MISS MINK, are you asking why? You remember the movie I told you about earlier? At the end of the show, the guy came to her house for Christmas. And he told her exactly how he felt before, and still is. He may not have said it literally, even with wordings on cardboards, but still, I believe that he has this feeling of redemption. Sure, he would regret not saying those things to her much, much more earlier, but he finally have buried his long burden of guilt and unanswered questions. Of course Juliet are madly in love with her husband, but at least she had some clue of what has been happening, and he could feel relieved at finally resting these ghosts to rest, and free to be with her AND her husband, his best friend, as pals. And the rest is automatically, history.
This song is fuckin killing me. Before I leave you MISS MINK, I would just like to emphasize that I have this burning desire to make things right. But I will only tell you as our sessions continues further. Thanks, thanks for even listening.
I'm off to drive to nowhere. See you very soon MISS MINK. Take care. "
___
GOD HOW I LOVE THIS PLEASURABLE TORMENT! PLEASE DON'T STOP!
Quick impression. "It's uh... self-preservation thing, you see." Fuckin God I'm gonna be stuck with that phrase for a fucking long time. Maybe, all these while this phrase had been my excuse for not pursuing the things that I should have been pursuing back then. I knew that watching that show was gonna be a bad idea. No- that show was great. No flaws, really. No silly bastardization of moronic teenie flicks that's been flooding the goddamned industry. For once, the movie was quite a sheer brilliant piece of work.
But that part. That particular bloody part resurrected one of the darkest painful memories I've been carrying unconsciously. I wouldn't be in this predicament if it weren't for that part. That fuckin 'self-preservation' part. I knew I remember what the memory were, but neverI have thought of remembering it in the sort of way like what I'm doing now. Nothing, NOTHING will ever feel right about anything, ever AGAIN.
I'm so fucking depressed. Below is what I wrote ealier somewhere and since I'm too much of a lazy motheruckin ass to write, I'm simply copy-pasting everything.Besides, I think I haven't really wrote something so honest before anywhere. Just in case that other place or even this place goes crappy. I wanted to write a lot about what have been trespassing my mind just now. But these will have to do...
I need to record this here to remind myself. FUCKIN FEEL SORRY ALREADY!
___
" It's bloody 5.15am here. And right now I'm listening to Dido's 'Here With Me' track again and again quite loudly. I don't fucking care about the neighbours. Tomorrow is Saturday. They can catch their sleep tomorrow, while here I am, stuck with nobody but you.
Yes, hello MISS MINK. Guess I would have to learn to ignore that sinister grin of yours everytime I see you from now on. Yes, yes I'm back. I come back to you now. Am I signalling my defeat in doing so? I hope not.
Let me tell you something about just now. I have just finished watching a movie called 'Love Actually'. I don't normally buy into that 'all love have a happy ending' crap. But I was assured by some friends that it doesn't involve some silly teenie flicks. So okay, I took their bait. The show was good. No- I honestly think it was brilliant. It's been quite some time since I last watched a show I truly enjoyed such as just now. What's the connection between our session now and that movie? Patience MISS MINK, patience. I will tell you all about it.
There was this part in that show, a part where Juliet finds out out that her husband's best friend has had a crush on her for some quite some time. She discovered that when she went to the guy's place looking for a better footage of her wedding ceremony, when in fact EVERYTHING in that tape was HER footage all along. So when the guy realized that his secret has been brutally revealed, he crumbled, mumbled some junks and his exact words before leaving the place were "It's uh... self-preservervation thing, you see." With those words he left, his heart all crushed to million pieces, he hesitated outside the door, ultimately trying to decide whether to tell her EVERYTHING, how had he felt all these time, or to just walk away. They weren't on talking terms before that. Not that they were at odds with each other or what, but like what he had said, it was all 'self-preservation'. So he walked away.
The thing is, MISS MINK, why does that sight depresses me? Why am I peturbed about it? Why do I catch myself rewinding that part over and over and over again, trying my utmost best to cry, but to my disappointment, I just can't. Why am I being so fucking clueless about everything? Why HAD I been so fucking clueless about everything? As you may have figured out, I made this particular blunder in the past. The scenario was exactly the same. I guess I was also having the bloody same self-preservation thing going on back then. I am not about to divulge more on this matter. Maybe later. But the thing is, I am so fucking broken at the moment. I fucking regret watching that show. Yes, I'm regretting it now. That show brought back so many memories. Some of those I even don't bloody remember. But it's all here now. I'm so fucking sick, I'm fucking angry, angry at myself. Each day I began to slowly realize that I am such a fucking goner. A loser. A fucking freak! I'm a big joking FREAK because I am obviously too weak than I had initially thought. I had been thinking that EVERY single thing that had happened would not bother me. I had thought that I was being strong for myself. The image of me walking away from her right after I uttered those words repeats itself now like a broken record. It plays the fucking same thing over and over again without showing the rest of the memory. It's absurd for me to admit that it was the ONLY fucking regret that I've bore all these while. It turned out that THAT exact period of fucking stupidity is the ONLY thing I have to fondly remember by. Fondly? You asked. Well, yes. 'Fondly', because I have the luxury, if I could ever call it a luxury, of keeping on repeating the same scenario at my will. At least I have a friggin memory to hate myself by. How can I be so stupid to think that I was just being strong to have just walked off like that. God why was I so naive and STUPID? Why am I too fucking STUPID to realize then that things would have been just nice and cozy if I would have just stayed back with her, continuing the motions that I have planned long before that. Things would have lasted till this very day. How can I be so sure, you asked. Well, I rarely made mistakes when it comes to judging people from their actual personalities. She was, as far as I am, or have, concerned perfect. She was brilliant. She was all and everything that I could have possible asked for. Even dream.
Up till now, I can't understand why I had just left her like that. Left her to make her own conclusions rather than STAY and help her figure them out. Why had I believed that things would have worked itself out, even without my interventions. WHY HAVE I FUCKING LEFT HER ALONE THAT TIME? WHY FUCKIN GOD? WHY?
MISS MINK, I'm all washed up now. I can't think. I can't do jack shit about everything. I hate to admit this, but I'm depressed. I am not deprived, but I made myself deprived of some of the things that I think I had at least deserved. Why this wall around me? Why the self-preservation crap? WHY FUCKIN EVERYTHING?
Well MISS MINK, looks like our second session is a bit obscured. Believe me, in time I will tell you why. But now, I just feel like grabbing my carkeys and drive to nowhere with this Dido's song playing endlessly. The next time I read THIS session of ours, I will play this song, regardless of what you have to say about it. Have I told you why I like being in this fucking clueless situation? The hard cold fact is because I find it to be a pleasurable torment that I would gladly take with me wherever I go, knowing not so surely that at least I am the one going through it, instead of others. I'm not being nice. In fact, I don't do this because for their sakes. But rather, I'm doing this because I fucking HATE myself. And at the same time I loved myself for it. I am the most selfish person I know. I don't give jack shit to what others might say. I don't listen to others. I listen to ONLY myself. Maybe that's my mistake. Maybe, that's my ONLY fuckin mistake. Are there even a word more hideous, or ugly, or worse, than HATE? Cause if there is, that's how EXACTLY how I'm feeling about myself. I can't kill myself, cause I know death isn't the solution. Suicide means defeat. And I am not YET defeated.
MISS MINK, are you asking why? You remember the movie I told you about earlier? At the end of the show, the guy came to her house for Christmas. And he told her exactly how he felt before, and still is. He may not have said it literally, even with wordings on cardboards, but still, I believe that he has this feeling of redemption. Sure, he would regret not saying those things to her much, much more earlier, but he finally have buried his long burden of guilt and unanswered questions. Of course Juliet are madly in love with her husband, but at least she had some clue of what has been happening, and he could feel relieved at finally resting these ghosts to rest, and free to be with her AND her husband, his best friend, as pals. And the rest is automatically, history.
This song is fuckin killing me. Before I leave you MISS MINK, I would just like to emphasize that I have this burning desire to make things right. But I will only tell you as our sessions continues further. Thanks, thanks for even listening.
I'm off to drive to nowhere. See you very soon MISS MINK. Take care. "
___
GOD HOW I LOVE THIS PLEASURABLE TORMENT! PLEASE DON'T STOP!