Happiness
It's something I believe everyone deserves. Deep down, everyone deserves to be happy. And I think last night helped me figure that out. It hurt, quite a lot, but in the end, realization dawned.
Jeremy told me a week or two ago that he was straight. From what I can remember, I overreacted... lashed out. I wasn't sure what footing we were on then. Things settled, and we spoke again at Adam's birthday party. We both decided that that wasn't the night for talking. So it was that we spoke last night. I was feeling terrible for one reason or another, and for some reason, I decided to take it out on him. I claimed that none of my friends could understand me, that I always needed to keep my guard up, that I felt alone, and scared, and angry. He called me on it. Told me that the things I'd said to him were out of line. He fired my rhetoric and emotions back at me.
We spoke for at least two hours, the both of us tearing up repeatedly. He calmed me down, and we decided to stay friends, despite how much pain I felt I was in. We had explained how we felt we'd hurt one another, or how the other had hurt us. We talked about friends... about all sorts of things. We ranted, we rambled, we raved... I think that had we done it in person, we might have stormed out on each other several times. But it helped.
He went to bed early, and I decided to stay up to watch more Doctor Who. I was already pretty emotional, so the Doctor Who specials didn't really help, but they were good. I went to bed around 4:30. I do a nightly ritual: drawing a pentagram on my chest three times with the tip of my finger. I do it as a ward, for protection, and as a seal, to get rid of things I don't want to think about.
And the sealing set it off. Emotion welled out of me, and I started to cry. Hard. It hurt my stomach, my breath caught and felt like it was tearing itself out of me. I tossed and turned, sobbing. And I saw things.
A brunette. Petite. Gorgeous in a white wedding dress. Standing next to Jeremy. They were both smiling. The image shifted to her in jeans and a T-shirt, and two children came into the image. A boy and a younger girl. It hurt. But it was what I saw next that made it all okay. The image went to the scene of a wedding. I was best man. When it was all said and done, vows exchanged, bride kissed, church exited (I assume it was a church), he turned and hugged me. And I was beaming. So ridiculously, desperately happy for him.
And it broke something in me. Something I wasn't aware of, I guess. And I kept sobbing, but thoughts came to me. About happiness, and how Jeremy had said I couldn't enjoy the good times because I was so upset. Now I thought back to them: all of them, not just with Jeremy, and I could smile through the pain. Because as much as the Season sucks, I can take solace in the good moments. Even some of the bad, because they make the good ones that much better. In the end, the Season will reward me somehow, and until (and continuing into when) it does, I'll remember those times fondly.
And so I told him today. That I loved him. That I wanted him to be happy. To find someone that loved him more than I did, because if they didn't love him as much as I did, he should move on. They say that if you love something, you should let it go, and if it comes back to you, it's yours. So I'm letting him go. I'm hoping he'll come back, but as unlikely as it seems, I'll be happy with his happiness. And even as tears come to the corners of my eyes writing this, I can't help but smile. I'll keep supporting him. I'll keep helping him figure out who he is, even if it's not the person I'd wanted him to be at first.
As Mother Teresa said: "When you love so much that it hurts, there is no more hurt, only more love."
And another quote came to me, making me realize the truth about the tiny moments of happines... when their arm is over your shoulder, or your fingers are interlaced with yours, or when they tell a joke across the table from you, or when your eyes meet theirs and you both smile... I just remember now: "Even the smallest light shines brightly in the darkness."
So I think, for now at least, I can be happy. And maybe this entry will be something I look back on and use as a basis for continuing to be happy. Because that's all I can hope for in life: that everyone is happy, like they deserve to be.
Jeremy told me a week or two ago that he was straight. From what I can remember, I overreacted... lashed out. I wasn't sure what footing we were on then. Things settled, and we spoke again at Adam's birthday party. We both decided that that wasn't the night for talking. So it was that we spoke last night. I was feeling terrible for one reason or another, and for some reason, I decided to take it out on him. I claimed that none of my friends could understand me, that I always needed to keep my guard up, that I felt alone, and scared, and angry. He called me on it. Told me that the things I'd said to him were out of line. He fired my rhetoric and emotions back at me.
We spoke for at least two hours, the both of us tearing up repeatedly. He calmed me down, and we decided to stay friends, despite how much pain I felt I was in. We had explained how we felt we'd hurt one another, or how the other had hurt us. We talked about friends... about all sorts of things. We ranted, we rambled, we raved... I think that had we done it in person, we might have stormed out on each other several times. But it helped.
He went to bed early, and I decided to stay up to watch more Doctor Who. I was already pretty emotional, so the Doctor Who specials didn't really help, but they were good. I went to bed around 4:30. I do a nightly ritual: drawing a pentagram on my chest three times with the tip of my finger. I do it as a ward, for protection, and as a seal, to get rid of things I don't want to think about.
And the sealing set it off. Emotion welled out of me, and I started to cry. Hard. It hurt my stomach, my breath caught and felt like it was tearing itself out of me. I tossed and turned, sobbing. And I saw things.
A brunette. Petite. Gorgeous in a white wedding dress. Standing next to Jeremy. They were both smiling. The image shifted to her in jeans and a T-shirt, and two children came into the image. A boy and a younger girl. It hurt. But it was what I saw next that made it all okay. The image went to the scene of a wedding. I was best man. When it was all said and done, vows exchanged, bride kissed, church exited (I assume it was a church), he turned and hugged me. And I was beaming. So ridiculously, desperately happy for him.
And it broke something in me. Something I wasn't aware of, I guess. And I kept sobbing, but thoughts came to me. About happiness, and how Jeremy had said I couldn't enjoy the good times because I was so upset. Now I thought back to them: all of them, not just with Jeremy, and I could smile through the pain. Because as much as the Season sucks, I can take solace in the good moments. Even some of the bad, because they make the good ones that much better. In the end, the Season will reward me somehow, and until (and continuing into when) it does, I'll remember those times fondly.
And so I told him today. That I loved him. That I wanted him to be happy. To find someone that loved him more than I did, because if they didn't love him as much as I did, he should move on. They say that if you love something, you should let it go, and if it comes back to you, it's yours. So I'm letting him go. I'm hoping he'll come back, but as unlikely as it seems, I'll be happy with his happiness. And even as tears come to the corners of my eyes writing this, I can't help but smile. I'll keep supporting him. I'll keep helping him figure out who he is, even if it's not the person I'd wanted him to be at first.
As Mother Teresa said: "When you love so much that it hurts, there is no more hurt, only more love."
And another quote came to me, making me realize the truth about the tiny moments of happines... when their arm is over your shoulder, or your fingers are interlaced with yours, or when they tell a joke across the table from you, or when your eyes meet theirs and you both smile... I just remember now: "Even the smallest light shines brightly in the darkness."
So I think, for now at least, I can be happy. And maybe this entry will be something I look back on and use as a basis for continuing to be happy. Because that's all I can hope for in life: that everyone is happy, like they deserve to be.