partum
here's what I really need to know:
what can I, as one mere, unwealthy, non-medically trained human being, do to prevent brain aneurysms from happening to anyone ever again?
another person I care for has fallen victim to one. this time, the soul taken was that of my former co-worker and friend, bern. bern was my elder by about 50 years- I can't honestly remember how old he was while I met him, but he was older than my dad, and old enough to be one of the residents in the assisted living home where we worked. I trained bern on his first night on the job, doing position number 27, or the tray-carrying and bussing position in our humble cafeteria. he was incredibly kind and soft-spoken and he went out of his way to be friendly. sometimes, it was hard for him to brush off the horseplay that his younger co-workers engaged in- the two of us often shared upset glances with each other when we'd catch people on our staff having mock-fights or general tomfoolery while we were trying to work, and especially while the residents had a clear view of the debauchery. but, he always did his best to be cheerful, smiling and warmly greeting everyone he met. he often listened to my stories of heartache, medical trauma, and general 20-year old burdens with a kind ear and offered advice. he admired my red prelude and told me what a great car it was, that he'd had one himself, and sometimes we got to talking about our hondas together. he even always asked me how my dad was, since I'd told him about all the times he'd been in the hospital that year.
I feel so deeply for his widow, his friends and family, and for the family he had at the mount. I know that bern quit around the same time I did after he suffered a back injury, but other than that, he always seemed to be in stellar shape. sure, things weren't as perfect as they were a few decades ago, but he looked better than most people his age did. to think of him being taken so suddenly by the same swift blow as my dearly departed kristin is heartbreaking for me. this just seems like madness... why is this happening to people? what can I do to help this from happening more, if anything at all?
my friend tina, a fellow mount employee and also a good friend, informed me of his passing and also of a funeral service being held on thursday. I know I want to send his wife a card, and send a donation to any memorial funds in his name, but can I attend the service? can I really handle a third funeral in four months? I'm deeply saddened by bern's passing but I just can't decide if I'm strong enough emotionally to go. I think I'd like to, but I really have to think it over... am I selfish for that?
...
at the party on friday, I had an opportunity to look at some gorgeous pictures of kristin that I had never seen before. I thought I could handle it, but I was already feeling some pressuring sadness from her memory that night, and seeing her glow just sent me off the edge. normally, I've had 1-3 times per week where I just need to cry for a little while over my sadness from kristin being gone. if I don't give myself some time during the week to be sad, I bottle up. I like to spend most of my time talking to others, trying to be there for other people, and involving myself in grief-friendly and busy activities, like having the bracelets made and distributing them. but with the moving out of LA, the roadtrip, and then the week back of nonstop social time, I was overdue for a cry. I didn't expect the party to be the time for that, but it was.
I was really happy to have everyone around, and it reminded me of new years- the same guest list was present and everything. and when I realized that, a huge hole burrowed its way into my heart, and I could pinpoint the moment when I felt my happiness turn into a sadness from her absence. then, jakub brought the pictures, which I was excited to see when he mentioned bringing them. when they actually came out, though, I saw something in ted's face that made the world stand still- I could see so vividly his heartache from missing her, his bittersweet smile, his love laced with his despair, and I felt almost like I had violated him by seeing it. when the photos were passed to me, I suddenly knew I wouldn't make it through the stack, and I couldn't. I felt a tear drip down my cheek and my nose start to run and I had to excuse myself to the upper floor.
by the way, thank you to noel, who came to my side to comfort me. it meant a lot to me and I'm glad you were there. <3
after I had a good sob, I was good to go. I went back to my party, which I'd been anticipating for weeks, and I enjoyed the company of my friends, old and new. and I told myself for the thousandth time this year, that now... now is the time to live.
what can I, as one mere, unwealthy, non-medically trained human being, do to prevent brain aneurysms from happening to anyone ever again?
another person I care for has fallen victim to one. this time, the soul taken was that of my former co-worker and friend, bern. bern was my elder by about 50 years- I can't honestly remember how old he was while I met him, but he was older than my dad, and old enough to be one of the residents in the assisted living home where we worked. I trained bern on his first night on the job, doing position number 27, or the tray-carrying and bussing position in our humble cafeteria. he was incredibly kind and soft-spoken and he went out of his way to be friendly. sometimes, it was hard for him to brush off the horseplay that his younger co-workers engaged in- the two of us often shared upset glances with each other when we'd catch people on our staff having mock-fights or general tomfoolery while we were trying to work, and especially while the residents had a clear view of the debauchery. but, he always did his best to be cheerful, smiling and warmly greeting everyone he met. he often listened to my stories of heartache, medical trauma, and general 20-year old burdens with a kind ear and offered advice. he admired my red prelude and told me what a great car it was, that he'd had one himself, and sometimes we got to talking about our hondas together. he even always asked me how my dad was, since I'd told him about all the times he'd been in the hospital that year.
I feel so deeply for his widow, his friends and family, and for the family he had at the mount. I know that bern quit around the same time I did after he suffered a back injury, but other than that, he always seemed to be in stellar shape. sure, things weren't as perfect as they were a few decades ago, but he looked better than most people his age did. to think of him being taken so suddenly by the same swift blow as my dearly departed kristin is heartbreaking for me. this just seems like madness... why is this happening to people? what can I do to help this from happening more, if anything at all?
my friend tina, a fellow mount employee and also a good friend, informed me of his passing and also of a funeral service being held on thursday. I know I want to send his wife a card, and send a donation to any memorial funds in his name, but can I attend the service? can I really handle a third funeral in four months? I'm deeply saddened by bern's passing but I just can't decide if I'm strong enough emotionally to go. I think I'd like to, but I really have to think it over... am I selfish for that?
...
at the party on friday, I had an opportunity to look at some gorgeous pictures of kristin that I had never seen before. I thought I could handle it, but I was already feeling some pressuring sadness from her memory that night, and seeing her glow just sent me off the edge. normally, I've had 1-3 times per week where I just need to cry for a little while over my sadness from kristin being gone. if I don't give myself some time during the week to be sad, I bottle up. I like to spend most of my time talking to others, trying to be there for other people, and involving myself in grief-friendly and busy activities, like having the bracelets made and distributing them. but with the moving out of LA, the roadtrip, and then the week back of nonstop social time, I was overdue for a cry. I didn't expect the party to be the time for that, but it was.
I was really happy to have everyone around, and it reminded me of new years- the same guest list was present and everything. and when I realized that, a huge hole burrowed its way into my heart, and I could pinpoint the moment when I felt my happiness turn into a sadness from her absence. then, jakub brought the pictures, which I was excited to see when he mentioned bringing them. when they actually came out, though, I saw something in ted's face that made the world stand still- I could see so vividly his heartache from missing her, his bittersweet smile, his love laced with his despair, and I felt almost like I had violated him by seeing it. when the photos were passed to me, I suddenly knew I wouldn't make it through the stack, and I couldn't. I felt a tear drip down my cheek and my nose start to run and I had to excuse myself to the upper floor.
by the way, thank you to noel, who came to my side to comfort me. it meant a lot to me and I'm glad you were there. <3
after I had a good sob, I was good to go. I went back to my party, which I'd been anticipating for weeks, and I enjoyed the company of my friends, old and new. and I told myself for the thousandth time this year, that now... now is the time to live.