first post.
...I HATE THAT LIVEJOURNAL DOESN'T AUTO-SAVE SHIT ANYMORE.
Anyway. I don't know why I keep starting journals again. I guess I always get bored of the name and stuff, and somehow I end up being stuck with yet another LJ which I probably won't use for long, haha. I'm good at that 'getting bored' thing :]
I decided to start another LJ and actually write my honest feelings in it because I realised that by not writing about things, I ended up with a writers block which I don't know how to cure. It's actually strange how hard it is for me to write down my feelings now. I suppose I've become more confrontational - which is good - but sometimes it's nice to just retreat to my own thoughts. I mean, I have so many things going on in my head that it's hard to process all at times. And in a sense, I don't understand me anymore. So I'm going to be honest with myself. I don't tend to be honest with myself a lot of the time. So. Let the soul searching begin :]
Let me brush my teeth first, actually.
K.
Robbie called me today, and we were just talking when somehow it led to my loss of appetite and the fact that I keep getting sick lately. He told me his dad said to him to eat his veggies, because 'look at Kelly, did you ever wonder why she's always sick?' And I'm not. It frustrates me that he thinks I'm like that. And it frustrates me that Robbie doesn't think I eat healthy. It really, really does because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I think I eat pretty healthy 80 or 90 percent of the time, but he doesn't see me 80 or 90 percent of the time. He sees me when I'm pigging out, or simply enjoying myself. Is there something wrong with it? Because he doesn't mean anything by it, but it makes me feel so shitty. I don't know why I can't get away from the fact that their perception of me is an unhealthy person.
From that, it led to me being so problematic all the time. I know that they say when someone really loves you, they won't just love you when it's easy. They'll love you when it's hard and when they can see your insecurities. And insecurities are the beautiful things in people, blah blah. But I just have a feeling that eventually him seeing my insecurity is going to make him realise that I might not be worth it or something. I trust that he wouldn't intentionally, but he told me, 'you can't control your emotions.' I was such an idiot, haha. I stubbornly just replied, 'well, I think we should be able to.' In some ways I feel so much more older than him, but in some ways, I still feel like a child. When he holds me, or when he tries to reassure me, I just feel like I'm a child and my mind is pure. Yesterday when he was trying to talk to me about why I thought I was selfish, I couldn't even remember why. Just because he was there.
And then by talking about this, I started to realise I didn't know where I was, or who I was. I remember me as a healthy, happy person. I mean, I know when reminiscing there's a tendency to neglect the bad things but I'm certain that was who I was. And I don't know where it's gone. So I started crying on the phone. His dad called him for two seconds and I was left there crying. And I didn't want to cry because I thought yesterday we had sorted it all out. I didn't want to show him that there were still things on my mind, so I hung up and turned off my phone. He rung 6 times and got my voicemail but just hung up, and then came on MSN to check if I was there. I knew I'd worried him but still I didn't go to him. And I keep asking myself, why? Why am I so scared to let myself be vulnerable? We've been together for nearly 5 months and I somehow managed to put up the wall again.
So after about two hours of crying on my own, I figured I needed to apologize. I rung his home phone and he was like "oh, sorry, I'll just call you on your cell." We barely talk on the phone anymore because the signals so shitted up that it's not even funny. But I just sat there and cried while telling him over and over that I was sorry. And him, being who he is, kept telling me it wasn't my fault. I mean, I know people say it to reassure people and make them feel better although it was kind of their fault. Still, I know Robbie. And I know he doesn't say anything he doesn't mean. He genuinely doesn't blame others. And that just made me cry more. But I was smiling too, because of him.
He had told me once that after him and his ex-girlfriend broke up two years ago, he'd felt like she'd taken his innocence. It wasn't an easy break-up because they were both...A little unstable, and it ended up being a huge 'I hope you die' thing. But through that, he learnt that hate really existed in the world, you know? But I don't think any of his innocence has gone away. I think that although he understands the world better, I don't think he's lost any of his innocence. He's still so pure, so selfless.
Anyway, when he had to go help his brother with something, he hung up and I fell asleep. He went to soccer and when he came home he was feeling crappy because of something that had happened. He told me he needed some time to calm down and think by himself, and he hasn't rung me back since.
I don't like to worry, but with me worry turns into frustration, into annoyance, and then I begin to blame myself for letting myself worry so much. It's a basic human instinct, I know. Guys do it all the time ('I'M SCARED OF COMMITMENT, I SWEAR.'). But I feel like it's wrong - that I'M wrong for thinking I shouldn't put all of myself into this, and put all of my effort into this.
I know this is more emotion that I've ever felt for anyone. For Duncan, for Rende, for Robert, for Kelv. It's something I'll never be willing to give up because I can't give him up to anyone. I know he's too important and I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. But I can't help thinking that sometimes I can't do that as good as I would like to.
Shit, it's eleven. I have an exam tomorrow. Last one, finally. I've had two months of exams and I'm sick of them. They might be why I have no me, because all of me disappeared with exams. Or maybe it's the Levlen.
I don't know.
Anyway. I don't know why I keep starting journals again. I guess I always get bored of the name and stuff, and somehow I end up being stuck with yet another LJ which I probably won't use for long, haha. I'm good at that 'getting bored' thing :]
I decided to start another LJ and actually write my honest feelings in it because I realised that by not writing about things, I ended up with a writers block which I don't know how to cure. It's actually strange how hard it is for me to write down my feelings now. I suppose I've become more confrontational - which is good - but sometimes it's nice to just retreat to my own thoughts. I mean, I have so many things going on in my head that it's hard to process all at times. And in a sense, I don't understand me anymore. So I'm going to be honest with myself. I don't tend to be honest with myself a lot of the time. So. Let the soul searching begin :]
Let me brush my teeth first, actually.
K.
Robbie called me today, and we were just talking when somehow it led to my loss of appetite and the fact that I keep getting sick lately. He told me his dad said to him to eat his veggies, because 'look at Kelly, did you ever wonder why she's always sick?' And I'm not. It frustrates me that he thinks I'm like that. And it frustrates me that Robbie doesn't think I eat healthy. It really, really does because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I think I eat pretty healthy 80 or 90 percent of the time, but he doesn't see me 80 or 90 percent of the time. He sees me when I'm pigging out, or simply enjoying myself. Is there something wrong with it? Because he doesn't mean anything by it, but it makes me feel so shitty. I don't know why I can't get away from the fact that their perception of me is an unhealthy person.
From that, it led to me being so problematic all the time. I know that they say when someone really loves you, they won't just love you when it's easy. They'll love you when it's hard and when they can see your insecurities. And insecurities are the beautiful things in people, blah blah. But I just have a feeling that eventually him seeing my insecurity is going to make him realise that I might not be worth it or something. I trust that he wouldn't intentionally, but he told me, 'you can't control your emotions.' I was such an idiot, haha. I stubbornly just replied, 'well, I think we should be able to.' In some ways I feel so much more older than him, but in some ways, I still feel like a child. When he holds me, or when he tries to reassure me, I just feel like I'm a child and my mind is pure. Yesterday when he was trying to talk to me about why I thought I was selfish, I couldn't even remember why. Just because he was there.
And then by talking about this, I started to realise I didn't know where I was, or who I was. I remember me as a healthy, happy person. I mean, I know when reminiscing there's a tendency to neglect the bad things but I'm certain that was who I was. And I don't know where it's gone. So I started crying on the phone. His dad called him for two seconds and I was left there crying. And I didn't want to cry because I thought yesterday we had sorted it all out. I didn't want to show him that there were still things on my mind, so I hung up and turned off my phone. He rung 6 times and got my voicemail but just hung up, and then came on MSN to check if I was there. I knew I'd worried him but still I didn't go to him. And I keep asking myself, why? Why am I so scared to let myself be vulnerable? We've been together for nearly 5 months and I somehow managed to put up the wall again.
So after about two hours of crying on my own, I figured I needed to apologize. I rung his home phone and he was like "oh, sorry, I'll just call you on your cell." We barely talk on the phone anymore because the signals so shitted up that it's not even funny. But I just sat there and cried while telling him over and over that I was sorry. And him, being who he is, kept telling me it wasn't my fault. I mean, I know people say it to reassure people and make them feel better although it was kind of their fault. Still, I know Robbie. And I know he doesn't say anything he doesn't mean. He genuinely doesn't blame others. And that just made me cry more. But I was smiling too, because of him.
He had told me once that after him and his ex-girlfriend broke up two years ago, he'd felt like she'd taken his innocence. It wasn't an easy break-up because they were both...A little unstable, and it ended up being a huge 'I hope you die' thing. But through that, he learnt that hate really existed in the world, you know? But I don't think any of his innocence has gone away. I think that although he understands the world better, I don't think he's lost any of his innocence. He's still so pure, so selfless.
Anyway, when he had to go help his brother with something, he hung up and I fell asleep. He went to soccer and when he came home he was feeling crappy because of something that had happened. He told me he needed some time to calm down and think by himself, and he hasn't rung me back since.
I don't like to worry, but with me worry turns into frustration, into annoyance, and then I begin to blame myself for letting myself worry so much. It's a basic human instinct, I know. Guys do it all the time ('I'M SCARED OF COMMITMENT, I SWEAR.'). But I feel like it's wrong - that I'M wrong for thinking I shouldn't put all of myself into this, and put all of my effort into this.
I know this is more emotion that I've ever felt for anyone. For Duncan, for Rende, for Robert, for Kelv. It's something I'll never be willing to give up because I can't give him up to anyone. I know he's too important and I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. But I can't help thinking that sometimes I can't do that as good as I would like to.
Shit, it's eleven. I have an exam tomorrow. Last one, finally. I've had two months of exams and I'm sick of them. They might be why I have no me, because all of me disappeared with exams. Or maybe it's the Levlen.
I don't know.