Revival
I decided to revive my LJ account to have a place where I can spill my thoughts, as I am in need of a soundproof room where I can shout and let all my emotions out.
I've found myself becoming socially detached lately. I am no longer motivated at work, and I am drifting farther away from friends that I've been hanging out with. The problem lies with me. I haven't been content with my life, and apparently I am not motivated enough to do anything about it.
There is a loss of purpose, a lack of goal to work toward. I have nothing to look forward to. When I look at my life down the road, I see a blank. I am not sure what to do with my life. I feel like living for me right now is an obligation, not a desire. I am living to fulfill my duty of not to let my friends and family down, but not living a happy life at the moment. Suicide just seems to be a much better option, but I am obligated not to do so apparently. That's the easy way out, as people say. There's got to be a better way. But frankly, I am tired. It's been tough having to live a life full of lies. I can't seem to be honest with myself or with my friends, and I am tired of it that way. But being honest means being judged, alienated, and possibly outcasted. I am not sure if I am ready for that, at all.
I am back to my depressed self. I was so good about it last summer, wanted to be the one that brings laughter and positivity to the party. Now I am the party pooper and the negativity in the group. It's not helping that I am socially detaching myself from everybody. I don't do that intentionally most of the times, but I just don't feel like socializing with people any more. It depressed me even more to see them having so much more fun and seemingly carefree. You are probably thinking, "well Joey, do something about it, change your attitude and outlook." But it's not that easy. It's never been that easy. Not to me anyway.
I was just at KBBQ with friends. Victor is in town and he got everybody together at Honey Pig. I didn't feel like I was part of the group. I mean, I was there, but socially detached. Not joining in on most of the conversation. Not finding what people are saying to be funny. Don't remember events that they refer to about our college years. Then afterward, decided to head home instead of joining them at a bar, using work as my excuse. It may sound like I am always working, but that's because I am being inefficient at work.
Oh well.
This is just a typical night in recent months. Just me sulking and mad at the world when it hasn't done too much wrong to me, unless you count the social discrimination and all the unjusts in the world I suppose.
I've found myself becoming socially detached lately. I am no longer motivated at work, and I am drifting farther away from friends that I've been hanging out with. The problem lies with me. I haven't been content with my life, and apparently I am not motivated enough to do anything about it.
There is a loss of purpose, a lack of goal to work toward. I have nothing to look forward to. When I look at my life down the road, I see a blank. I am not sure what to do with my life. I feel like living for me right now is an obligation, not a desire. I am living to fulfill my duty of not to let my friends and family down, but not living a happy life at the moment. Suicide just seems to be a much better option, but I am obligated not to do so apparently. That's the easy way out, as people say. There's got to be a better way. But frankly, I am tired. It's been tough having to live a life full of lies. I can't seem to be honest with myself or with my friends, and I am tired of it that way. But being honest means being judged, alienated, and possibly outcasted. I am not sure if I am ready for that, at all.
I am back to my depressed self. I was so good about it last summer, wanted to be the one that brings laughter and positivity to the party. Now I am the party pooper and the negativity in the group. It's not helping that I am socially detaching myself from everybody. I don't do that intentionally most of the times, but I just don't feel like socializing with people any more. It depressed me even more to see them having so much more fun and seemingly carefree. You are probably thinking, "well Joey, do something about it, change your attitude and outlook." But it's not that easy. It's never been that easy. Not to me anyway.
I was just at KBBQ with friends. Victor is in town and he got everybody together at Honey Pig. I didn't feel like I was part of the group. I mean, I was there, but socially detached. Not joining in on most of the conversation. Not finding what people are saying to be funny. Don't remember events that they refer to about our college years. Then afterward, decided to head home instead of joining them at a bar, using work as my excuse. It may sound like I am always working, but that's because I am being inefficient at work.
Oh well.
This is just a typical night in recent months. Just me sulking and mad at the world when it hasn't done too much wrong to me, unless you count the social discrimination and all the unjusts in the world I suppose.