please, pay no attention to me.
this is just one of those times when i need someone to talk to, so i talk to myself, more or less. i just feel better after thinking...out loud. even though im not talking. but...*sigh*.
got a car. woot. got insurance. yay. got bills coming out my ass and no money to pay them. super fantastic. debt, here i come.
ok, i may be exagerating a bit. but thats what it feels like.
no more fun things for me. at least, no more fun things that cost money. no food. no clothes. no alcohol which means no parties. no fun.
such is the life of a poor college student.
and to top it all off, i miss dustin terribly. every day i wake up and miss him. and every night when we say goodnight i dont want him to go. i know i keep saying this, but i feel like we arent talking enough. i know a lot of it has to do with the cell phone bill (oh look, back to the money issue. add no talking to dustin to my list of no more fun things) and our schedules but im just like, man. and today i filled out a stupid survey on myspace and you know what i realized? he hasnt even been gone that long. 1 month, 6 days. how pathetic is that? it feels like hes been gone years. maybe this is last year meshing with this year. the summer, pfft, it didnt happen. hes been gone 2 years. yeah, thats how it feels. i feel like he doesnt know whats going on with me, and i dont know whats going on with him. which isnt true. we talk about our days and stuff, so we know whats going on, but....i dunno.
today one of my co-workers (actually, the assistant manager) Tom, gave me a hug. i really needed one. i miss hugging dustin. i miss the feeling of being safe. like nothing can hurt me. so i come to work, looking like ive had a shitty day, and tom just comes out and gives me a friendly hug. nothing sexual about it at all. just, hey im your friend, im here for you, have a hug. no charge. and i almost cried. i mean, its going to be forever until i get to hug dustin again. and this guy, who i know from work, who is super nice and funny and such a good friend, just offers up hugs like theyre nothing. but theyre everything. ya know? i hug is so much better than a kiss in my opinion. with a hug you get the feeling of safeness and comfort and love and everything. its just....amazing. and when i do things like hug tom, or scott for that matter (which has happened a few times) im just like, god i wish i was hugging dustin. i wish he was in my arms. and then i feel lucky that i have guy friends who understand that sometimes...i just need a hug.
and then theres other times when i feel so dirty. i think about things i shouldnt. like what it would be like to leave dustin. what it would be like to kiss someone else, to have sex with someone else (cuz lets face it, dustins the only one ive had sex with, and since we're gonna get married, god willing, ill never have sex with anyone else again). and im like, why in the hell am i thinking these things?? most of it is probably just cuz im lonely. i hope it doesnt make me a whore or something. having impure thoughts about someone else. even thought i never have those thoughts ABOUT someone else. i just have them in general. is that bad? to wonder about what could have been? what im missing? i mean, i have all these great guy friends that i just love to death, and sometimes im like, you know, maybe i could find someone who will love me like dustin does. how sick is that? i dont want anyone else. but i cant help but think it. im just....UGH I DONT KNOW.
and its late, and i have class tomorrow, but im on the verge of tears and i dont want to go to bed. im sure i'll be up for a while, watching whatever else is on tv.
i think i feel better. maybe. maybe not. i just dont know.
got a car. woot. got insurance. yay. got bills coming out my ass and no money to pay them. super fantastic. debt, here i come.
ok, i may be exagerating a bit. but thats what it feels like.
no more fun things for me. at least, no more fun things that cost money. no food. no clothes. no alcohol which means no parties. no fun.
such is the life of a poor college student.
and to top it all off, i miss dustin terribly. every day i wake up and miss him. and every night when we say goodnight i dont want him to go. i know i keep saying this, but i feel like we arent talking enough. i know a lot of it has to do with the cell phone bill (oh look, back to the money issue. add no talking to dustin to my list of no more fun things) and our schedules but im just like, man. and today i filled out a stupid survey on myspace and you know what i realized? he hasnt even been gone that long. 1 month, 6 days. how pathetic is that? it feels like hes been gone years. maybe this is last year meshing with this year. the summer, pfft, it didnt happen. hes been gone 2 years. yeah, thats how it feels. i feel like he doesnt know whats going on with me, and i dont know whats going on with him. which isnt true. we talk about our days and stuff, so we know whats going on, but....i dunno.
today one of my co-workers (actually, the assistant manager) Tom, gave me a hug. i really needed one. i miss hugging dustin. i miss the feeling of being safe. like nothing can hurt me. so i come to work, looking like ive had a shitty day, and tom just comes out and gives me a friendly hug. nothing sexual about it at all. just, hey im your friend, im here for you, have a hug. no charge. and i almost cried. i mean, its going to be forever until i get to hug dustin again. and this guy, who i know from work, who is super nice and funny and such a good friend, just offers up hugs like theyre nothing. but theyre everything. ya know? i hug is so much better than a kiss in my opinion. with a hug you get the feeling of safeness and comfort and love and everything. its just....amazing. and when i do things like hug tom, or scott for that matter (which has happened a few times) im just like, god i wish i was hugging dustin. i wish he was in my arms. and then i feel lucky that i have guy friends who understand that sometimes...i just need a hug.
and then theres other times when i feel so dirty. i think about things i shouldnt. like what it would be like to leave dustin. what it would be like to kiss someone else, to have sex with someone else (cuz lets face it, dustins the only one ive had sex with, and since we're gonna get married, god willing, ill never have sex with anyone else again). and im like, why in the hell am i thinking these things?? most of it is probably just cuz im lonely. i hope it doesnt make me a whore or something. having impure thoughts about someone else. even thought i never have those thoughts ABOUT someone else. i just have them in general. is that bad? to wonder about what could have been? what im missing? i mean, i have all these great guy friends that i just love to death, and sometimes im like, you know, maybe i could find someone who will love me like dustin does. how sick is that? i dont want anyone else. but i cant help but think it. im just....UGH I DONT KNOW.
and its late, and i have class tomorrow, but im on the verge of tears and i dont want to go to bed. im sure i'll be up for a while, watching whatever else is on tv.
i think i feel better. maybe. maybe not. i just dont know.