LOG: Some deamons are weird, though.

[bane_archetype]

WHO: Luke and Crowley
WHAT: Visiting in DEATHland
WHEN: September 9
WHERE: DEATH's Domain
WHY: Luke was Lonely.



Luke took a break from reading some of the older histories by tumbling about with DEATH's hoarde of kittens in the black back garden, not far from the edge of the wheat field.

There was a rustle of feathers, then a 'pop' sound. The wheat moved a bit, and there was a long suffering sigh. A few seconds later, the wheat moved as Crowley moved through it, scruambling out to the negative-grass on the other side. "I always overshoot that"

The pre-school sized little boy spirit jumped up and ran for Crowley, throwing his arms around him in a great big hug. "You came!!!"

Crowley started, not really quite used to this sudden desire people had to hug him. "Of course", he said, patting Luke on the head, "I told you I would"

Luke was totally unafraid of him and pulled away, leading him up to the grassy place he's been in. "Still, time moves strangely here, as in not at all, and I can't ever really be sure of it - and I know that real people have... have lives and things to do and all, and perhaps you changed your mind or forgot because of others needing your attention."

Crowley chuckled as he followed him, stretching his wings, well at least his injured one was healed now, not that it mattered here. "Kid, I've been hanging around on Earth for over six thousand years, believe me, a little distraction is welcome. Besides, I promised, and I do try and keep them"

Luke smiled up at him and said (with great sincerity) "Thank You."

Crowley cleared his throat. "Well....you're welcome", he said, then grinned, "Oh yeah, almost forgot". He snapped his fingers and the bookcase with built in seat appeared on the ground, instantly reverting to the negative-black that Death seemed to like so much.

Luke grinned. "Brilliant! Now I'll have someplace to keep my notes!"

"Got a lot of notes, mmm?", smiled Crowley

"And all eternity to make more," Luke pointed out. "Too bad I don't have the ones from before. I hope nobody finds them."

"Why, what was in them, nothing too rude, I hope", Crowley paused, considering if that was a very demonic thing to say, then decided it was fine.

"Well... I don't think I'd very much like Jenny or Mickey seeing my notes on... OH DAMNIT!"

Crowley cleared his throat. "We usually bless things, we don't like getting the attention of the wrong type of people, though there's nothing really that bad in being damned", he said, one-sidedly, then, "What?"

"Oh, sorry. OH BLESS IT."

"That's better", Crowley beamed, patting his head, "Right, what's happened, then"

Luke sat down on the grass with a pout, which looked adorable on this younger image of him, but was completely at odds with what was going on in his very post-pubescent mind. "I never got to try any of it."

"Got to try any of what?", asked Crowley, eyeing the grass, before sighing an sitting next to him, folding his wings back.

"Recreational copulation," Luke answered succinctly. "I had all kinds of notes."

"Oh that", Crowley considered, "Why does everyone I meet seem to have notes? I'm sure that's not how it's supposed to be done". He shrugged. "It's a real shame, Kid"

"I just wanted to be prepared for any eventuality. The Porn you told me about was a little confusing, but there were some texts that were quite educational," Luke nodded, then sighed. "It is. I read somewhere that it's supposed to be embarrassing."

Crowley arched a brow. He really had to start hanging around with fun people again, because there was no way in Manchester he was getting 'old' and hanging out with people who made notes for everything. "Ah, well, yes, for the first time, I imagine it would be"

"I guess I'll never find out now," Luke replied, frowning.

Crowley frowned, glancing towards Death's house. "I...I'm sorry, Kid"

"Not your fault," Luke said, taking a deep breath. "I'm sure there's more than just these lawns to explore, I just need to find the right gateways."

"I was supposed to be looking out for you", grumbled the demon, "Oh yeah, this place stretches for..well...ever"

"I made my choice, and I knew what was likely to happen, Crowley," Luke looked at him with eyes older than the face they were set in. "It really isn't anyone's fault but my own."

"Yes, well, it was a very stupid move on your part, " chided the demon gently, "Donna misses you a lot, you know"

"Rose was emotionally invested, I couldn't let him hurt her," Luke said seriously. He sighed, picking at the black grass, "I miss her, as well."

"I'd help you out if I could," said Crowley, "But this is well out of my place"

"I know. At least I'm able to communicate with everyone via the computer - which is more than most people, I imagine." Luke frowned thoughtfully, then seemed to come to a BRILLIANT CONCLUSION(tm).

"Well, yes, that is the whole point of the....." Crowley eyed him carefully, "....What?"

"If time has no meaning here, then it would be reasonable to believe that one can enter time at any point, if one is able to, and thus collect and/or redistribute a soul and body, and CAAN WILL BE SO HAPPY!" Luke fairly bounced with his yay.

Crowley watched Luke with an expression that managed to convey confusion and a little bit of fear all in one go. "......Who's Caan?"

"My friend," Luke said, his mind almost visibly working at ridiculous speeds. Going to plaid would be perhaps half the speed his brain was working (metaphysically of course) at this point.

"Ah.....hah, " Crowley edged a little to one side.

"Think Bill would notice if I borrowed Binky? Hm... and perhaps his cloak?" Luke thought a moment. "I should probably find the sandglass too."

"I um....wait," Crowley looked at him, "You want to steal Death's stuff?"

"Only temporarily, and considering the lack of Time here, it probably won't even be noticed," Luke reasoned.

"Okay," said Crowley, then after a moment's thought, "I wasn't here."

"I'll wait until you're home and have a reliable alibi. What's the purpose of dildos? I never quite figured that one out."

"Yeah, good jo....." Crowley paused, "Um.....maybe another time?"

"Subject change," Luke said helpfully, "as the previous one seemed troublesome."

"Ah right, a little less abruptly next time?" Crowley offered.

"I'll work on that," Luke nodded. "Have plenty of time."

"Yeah," Crowley sighed, "Seems you do"

Luke chewed on his lower lip a moment, looking at the not quite horizon. "You'll visit sometimes, yeah?"

"Of course," Crowley offered him a smile, "I have all of eternity, it's not like I'm going anywhere"

The boy smiled. "Thanks."

"Anytime," the demon tried a half-arsed shrug. He was getting worse at this not-caring lark.

"How're the Plants?" Luke asked, standing and brushing off his jeans.

"Better now they're saved from Mrs Brunswick and her plant-killing ways," Crowley smiled, "I think the experience brought a whole new line of terror into their lives"

"I bet they look gorgeous," Luke replied wistfully.

"Always do," said Crowley, with no lack of pride, "Pity they're surrounded by books now, but I suppose I can live with it."

"Think of the books as ex plants?"

Crowley pulled a face. "Well, that's a little depressing"

"I'm an ex-Luke, they're ex-plants - so they can still be there, just.. a different kind of there?"

"You have very strange logic," Crowley chuckled.

"But it's still logic," Luke pointed out.

"Yep, gotta give you that one," Crowley nodded, "I bet Death has a whale of a time with you"

"I haven't seen any whales here," Luke said. "Just skelefish."

"That was a figure of speech"

"Oh... What does it mean?"

"It means a lot of fun," chuckled Crowley.

"Oh. Is that good?"

"Yeah," said Crowley, "Well, sometimes Death has a skewed view on fun, but he does try"

"I like him. Albert's kind of scary, though."

Crowley laughed. "He.....takes some getting used to."

"He doesn't like me very much. I think he tried to hit me with the frying pan yesterday."

Crowley winced. "Yeah, he got me a few times when he was younger," he said, "He just doesn't like people...um...or anything, really."

"Why not?"

"It's just the way he is," Crowley shrugged, "Wizards are a weird lot"

"Maybe if he gets a nice hanky?"

"A nice....." Crowley paused. "Nope, you lost me."

"For his nose."

Crowley looked more confused. "I.....guess?"

"Maybe he's so cross because of the drip."

"OH!" Crowley chuckled. "I don't think that's it."

"It isn't?" Luke seemed confused.

"No, some people are just born like that," Crowley smiled. "I think he was born eighty five."

"Oh, like I was born thirteen?"

"That was another fig...." Crowley chuckled. "It means he has always been grumpy."

"Oh. That's sad. There must be something that will make him happy."

"Maybe a puppy," joked Crowley.

Luke scratched at his hair and gave it some serious thought. "It'd have to get along with the kittens," he reasoned.

Crowley looked at him. "It's like trying to talk to Aziraphale, sometimes, with you."

"What'd I do now?"

"Not getting sarcasm, " Crowley chuckled. "Quite endearing, really".

"Oh, I can do that sometimes - but I think that might actually be a good idea. Maybe he needs a pet."

"Oh boy," Crowley considered. "If anyone asks, I had nothing to do with it."

"Right, because if They find out you did something nice, you'd get in trouble, right?"

"Yes, that and I don't want Death blaming me for bringing a dog here."

"Okay," Luke grinned. "I'll do that when I borrow Binky. Oh I know! That can be my test run!"

"The test run," said Crowley. "Ready for when you do that thing for the....Caan?"

"Yep!"

"Riiiight."

"Exactly. I'm going to find Sec."

"Sec," replied Crowley. "And Sec is?"

"Caan's best friend, or something more. I'm not sure."

"Oh, I see," this was much more familiar territory. "Seperated, were they? I guess so, if one of them is in this realm."

"Yeah, and I don't think they should have been. They both became anomalies, too."

"Anomalies?"

"Like you and Aziraphale," Luke replied. "Grey areas, or rather - not quite what they were meant to be. Their entire race wished to exterminate anyone who wasn't them - but Sec evolved, learned, but was killed. Then Caan did, and he killed the rest of them, by proxy."

Crowley listened, considered, then let out a low whistle. "Wow, that's harsh."

"They stole the planets to create a bio-machine in order to wipe out the galaxies in every dimension," Luke clarified.

"..........Ah......huh."

"Lots of badness," he said. "That's what made Caan so... unbalanced."

"Oh, is he that strange crazy octopus-thing?" asked Crowley. "I thought it was something that crawled out of someone's toilet or something."

Luke nodded. "Nope, the race kind of... devolved like that."

"Oh, okay," Crowley considered this, then decided that technically, he was a snake that simply chose to look man-shaped and he was in no place to comment. "And you want to help them get in touch again?"

Luke nodded. "I might even be able to do more than that, if I ... is it play my canvas right?"

"Cards," said Crowley absently. "Play your cards right. Just be careful, Death get's upset about ressurecting the dead."

"He did ask me what I wanted for Hogswatch - and I know about the match girl."

"The...match....girl?" asked Crowley, slowly.

"Yes."

Crowley cocked his head to one side. "Wasn't that the story where she was tripping on something and had hallucinations?"

Luke blinked blankly.

".....Oh, unless it's a different match girl," Crowley considered, "I wasn't aware there was more than one."

Luke shrugged. "The girl was dying in the cold and he refilled her sand glass."

"Oh, that one," Crowley coughed, "Yes, he did do that."

"There you go."

"Well, no harm in asking, I guess," the demon shrugged, "He is very soft with mortals lately"

"As long as we like kittens," Luke pointed out.

"Oh yes," Crowley chuckled, "If you don't like kittens, you're screwed."

"And not in the good way." Luke actually managed a joke!

Crowley arched a brow, looking at him. "Well, praise Somone, you're finally getting it."

Luke grinned brightly.

"Knew you had it in you," grinned Crowley, "I'm proud of you."

"See? I can learn."

"You can, just takes the right sort of influences in your life," Crowley smirked.

"Death."

"And death, yes," Crowley nodded, then frowned, "Well, at least you're here and not Upstairs, Downstairs, or, Manchester forbid, Purgatory."

"No... I'm not anywhere."

"Well, nowhere is sometimes better than anywhere," said Crowley logically.

"Maybe I can't go anywhere?" Luke wondered.

Crowley considered this. "Could be, or maybe you're just here because someone screwed up your paperwork, they guys down in Processing screw up the paperwork all the time."

"Perhaps... but since I wasn't born, am I really a me? Or is this just... an echo?"

Crowley clearly took a few moments to consider this. "I need to be a lot drunker for philosophical debate."

"I know where we can get you some."

"Really?" Crowley perked up.

Luke nodded. "Mort hid some in his room back when he lived here. It's still there. His daughter was telling Bill that he should keep it away from me because I'm just a kid, except I'm not, though I suppose I look like one, and she is very pretty, I like her hair and her silhouette."

Crowley's brow arched up. "Her.....sihouette," he repeated, "...Right. Wine now, please."

Luke jumped up and ran back into the mansion.

Crowley watched him go with a grin. And they said he was no good with kids, hah!.

Luke returned with a few bottles, handing one to Crowley.

Crowley grinned. "Nice one," he said, which was as close as he came to saying thanks.

"Welcome," Luke said with a nod, sitting down with him. Two of the kittens immediately climbed one to his shoulder, the other into his lap. Another was sniffing at Crowley's shoe.

Crowley looked down at the kitten, glanced around, then gave it a pet on the head. That done, he opened up his wine, sniffing it. "Hmmm, not bad."

"Is it?" Luke sipped from his own already partially empty bottle. "Tastes good, but does nothing to fuzzy my head."

"Well, you are dead and all, which is a bit of a shame, really," said Crowley sympathetically, before taking a long swig out of his own bottle.

"My body is. I'm... something. Not real."

"Spirit-y?" tried Crowley, wriggling his fingers for empathsis.

"Maybe. But do I really have a spirit if I'm not real?"

"'Course you're real," said Crowley, "Wouldn't be around if you weren't real, would you?"

"I don't know. Would I? I could be... what's the term? Ghosting."

Crowley eyed the bottle, then drank some more. "Dunno, I've never worked in Processing, I'm always in Collecting, y'know?"

Luke nodded. "It's all a moot point anyhow, I'm in the inbetween, not even Purgatory, just... Noplace."

"Well, at least you're still around," Crowley drank his wine, "You should speak to Donna more."

Luke frowned, downing a good deal more than he would have been able to had he been real. "I know...."

"Because she worries, which I assume is some sort of quasi-parental......." he waved his hand vaugely, "...thing."

"I think talking to her makes her sad."

"Well, it would, I guess," Crowley shrugged, "Another one of those parent-thingies."

"If I'm not coming back, then it's better that I don't hang around."

"Well, you'll be able to say goodbye and the....y'know, meangful stuff," Crowley offered.

Luke just looked confused, skritching the kitten in his lap

"You know," Crowley frowned, Aziraphale was much better at this, "How she means to you....um, what she's done for you. You'll always love her, yadda yadda?"

"Oh. But I did."

"Oh?" asked Crowley.

Luke picked at the grass. "Mum's going to be devastated when she finds out...."

"You mean she hasn't been told yet?"

"Not that I know of," Luke shook his head. "If she has, nobody's told me. I don't know if I should... email her or something, y'know? And Maria and Clyde and-"

"I really doubt 'hello, mum, just a quick email to let you know I'm dead' would be very helpful," pointed out Crowley.

"It wouldn't?"

"Well, no, I imagine it would be rather upsetting, and a little out of touch," Crowley considered, "Perhaps a haunting or devine intervention?"

"Maybe I could tell her I'm living on a planet with kittens? Would that make her feel better do you think?" Luke wondered. "How do I haunt someone?"

"Um.....perhaps," Crowley said, "Well, I'm not sure, I've never been dead. I suppose it's a lot of chain wrattling and such."

"How would rattling chains be helpful?"

"Dunno, they seem to do it a lot on the TV," Crowley smiled, "I influenced the creation of that, you know."

"Did you?"

"Yep," Crowley beamed, "I like TV. You can do subliminal messages and everything."

"Those would be very easy to abu-I KNOW!"

Crowley winced. "Lower volume, what do you know?"

"A subliminal message."

"What? You mean like 'worship your Lord and Master, sell your soul today?" asked Crowley.

"Something like that, yes."

"Okay," Crowley paused, "Where do you want one sent to?"

"Bannerman Road," Luke said, "But I don't know what to say, yet."

"Alright," Crowley grinned, "Lemmie know and I can send one via music, television or written media."

"Thanks," the book took another swig of the wine, as though it were tasty water, rather than alcohol. "I really appreciate it."

"Don't mention it," Crowley grinned, "Just don't let my boss know I'm using my demonic powers for good, and we'll be fine."

"Well, look at it from the point of view of telling someone about their dead loved one - which in several lores often are the work of devils bent on bringing false hopes and things," Luke replied. "You know who doesn't need to know it's actually the truth."

Crowley thought about that, then grinned. "I knew I liked you for a reason."

"You needed a reason?" the boy grinned.

"Well, no, but it always looks good on my review I'm using people," he considered, "Even if I'm not."

Luke chuckled, "If they ask, you can say I'm your pet project."

"Yeah," Crowley chuckled, "Trying to convert you to the ways of the Prince of Lies, etc."

"Teaching such subversive things as sarcasm, porn, computer viruses, etcetera."

"Yep," Crowley smirked, "Might catch on as a whole new.....hm, probably not, any other demon might just eat you or something."

"I'm ephemeral, I doubt I'm edible."

"At the moment, yes," Crowley shrugged, "Some demons are weird, though."

"How would eating me be profitable to the gaining of souls for Down There, considering that it's likely that the addition of fuels would make the fires hotter, for the following fuels, and thus those who went centuries ago were likely to feel a raising in temperature as the eons pass?" Luke asked.

Crowley looked at Luke for a full minute. "..........I'll take a vowel."

"Fires get hotter the more they have to burn, so why eat something if you want to warm up, burn it instead."

Crowley tilted his head to one side. "We only collect souls you know, not bodies."

Luke reached out and pushed Crowley down.

Crowley blinked. Then paused. "Er.", he paused again, ".....Why?"

"Tangible soul - probably can be burned," Luke explained sitting back down blithely.

Crowley blinked again. "..........Right. Don't push me again."

Luke blinked. "Oh. Was that demonstration a social miscalculation?"

"It was with me. No pushing beings from the pit of Hell," said Crowley, "It's irriating."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I thought that was something friends do. Clyde and Maria push me about all the time."

"Yes, that's a very strange human ritual, with the pushing," Crowley considered, "No pushing me. I tend to get drunk with my friends."

"Oh. I can't get drunk here," Luke frowned. "I can't even get pleasantly inebriated anymore."

"That's.....okay, that's actually worse than Hell."

"If it weren't for the Kittens, and that Death seems a nice fellow and things... I'd think I was. I can't fix things, or make things, no colour, no inebriation," Luke shrugged. "Maybe I'll get used to it."

"Oh, otherwise it's quite quiet, but at least in Hell they encourage alcoholism," sighed Crowley. "I'm sure you will."

"In the meanwhile, I'll try stealing Binky."

"Ah right, yes, and doing your.....thing." Crowley nodded.

Luke nodded. "That's right. The Thing."