Where to begin?
I had told myself that I wouldn't do anymore LiveJournal bitch sessions, but I'm feeling just a little bit overwhelmed.
I'm on a family trip to Germany, it's Me, Norma, and the kids and it's super awkward because Norma and I separated on December 1st. Our separation has really surprised a lot of people because we get along so well. But, we have been having problems for years. About 5 years ago the person that I considered my best friend just sort of shut me out, got more withdrawn and things got strange. I didn't understand it, just thought it was where we were with the kids, but it didn't get better. Two years ago we really started working on things, marriage counseling - the whole works. But, things just never got back to normal we both wanted to stay married, but she never really treated me the way she used to and I couldn't get over that. So we decided to separate.
Since we had the plane tickets and we wanted to show the kids that we could still be friends we decided to still go on this family trip. Things are going fine on the trip, it's just really strange. Being in places that we were together before when things were better between us, and realizing that this is the last time we will be here as a family is hard. On some level it aggravates me because I think it is easier for her, she has had much longer to prepare herself for the separation(during the time when I thought that things were just in a strange phase and she knew it was more than that) and because I think she is much better at keeping her emotions in check.
The last time I came to Germany( 5 months ago ) was to see my Oma, she was in hospice dying. While I was here my Grandfather died in the US. Two days after I got back to the US my Oma died. Last night I get a call from my sister in the US. My Grandma was found dead in her garage. Apparently she had injuries to her head, and the police don't know yet if it was caused by a fall or something else. She went out to a holiday party and left her car there, someone gave her a lift home, but no one knows who. The police are treating it as a crime scene until they can be sure there was no foul play involved. I really hope it was just an accident. But it's hard to believe that five months ago I had four grandparents, now I have one and I really worry about him. I just picked him up from the hospital on Friday. He is 86 and has just had stomach surgery and when we leave for the US he will be here alone. He is a stubborn independent old guy who won't ask anyone for help, but I know he is lonely and needs help with things. But, there is nothing I can do about that other than just come to visit as often as I can.
The worst part about all of this is that I find myself making worse and worse decisions the older I get. You would think that along with the life experience would come the wisdom to not make such bad decisions. But, I seem to keep making selfish decisions that end up hurting people, people that I really respect and care about. It's almost as if when things started going poorly for me personally it left a wake of destruction everywhere that I went. I've never thought of myself as selfish, but lately I have been a complete shit and not really thought about how my actions effect other people.
It really is time for that Dissociative Fugue that I was fantasizing about a few months ago, but the thing is when you have kids you just can't let yourself go there.
Until recently I've felt pretty lucky in life, things always seemed to come easily to me. I've had good luck with work, family, friends - I guess 2007 has just been the year where I had to take my turn with some of life's challenges. I failed at some succeeded at others. To quote a friend "karma's a bitch".
All I can do is look forward to 2008 and hope that I manage things a little better.
I'm on a family trip to Germany, it's Me, Norma, and the kids and it's super awkward because Norma and I separated on December 1st. Our separation has really surprised a lot of people because we get along so well. But, we have been having problems for years. About 5 years ago the person that I considered my best friend just sort of shut me out, got more withdrawn and things got strange. I didn't understand it, just thought it was where we were with the kids, but it didn't get better. Two years ago we really started working on things, marriage counseling - the whole works. But, things just never got back to normal we both wanted to stay married, but she never really treated me the way she used to and I couldn't get over that. So we decided to separate.
Since we had the plane tickets and we wanted to show the kids that we could still be friends we decided to still go on this family trip. Things are going fine on the trip, it's just really strange. Being in places that we were together before when things were better between us, and realizing that this is the last time we will be here as a family is hard. On some level it aggravates me because I think it is easier for her, she has had much longer to prepare herself for the separation(during the time when I thought that things were just in a strange phase and she knew it was more than that) and because I think she is much better at keeping her emotions in check.
The last time I came to Germany( 5 months ago ) was to see my Oma, she was in hospice dying. While I was here my Grandfather died in the US. Two days after I got back to the US my Oma died. Last night I get a call from my sister in the US. My Grandma was found dead in her garage. Apparently she had injuries to her head, and the police don't know yet if it was caused by a fall or something else. She went out to a holiday party and left her car there, someone gave her a lift home, but no one knows who. The police are treating it as a crime scene until they can be sure there was no foul play involved. I really hope it was just an accident. But it's hard to believe that five months ago I had four grandparents, now I have one and I really worry about him. I just picked him up from the hospital on Friday. He is 86 and has just had stomach surgery and when we leave for the US he will be here alone. He is a stubborn independent old guy who won't ask anyone for help, but I know he is lonely and needs help with things. But, there is nothing I can do about that other than just come to visit as often as I can.
The worst part about all of this is that I find myself making worse and worse decisions the older I get. You would think that along with the life experience would come the wisdom to not make such bad decisions. But, I seem to keep making selfish decisions that end up hurting people, people that I really respect and care about. It's almost as if when things started going poorly for me personally it left a wake of destruction everywhere that I went. I've never thought of myself as selfish, but lately I have been a complete shit and not really thought about how my actions effect other people.
It really is time for that Dissociative Fugue that I was fantasizing about a few months ago, but the thing is when you have kids you just can't let yourself go there.
Until recently I've felt pretty lucky in life, things always seemed to come easily to me. I've had good luck with work, family, friends - I guess 2007 has just been the year where I had to take my turn with some of life's challenges. I failed at some succeeded at others. To quote a friend "karma's a bitch".
All I can do is look forward to 2008 and hope that I manage things a little better.