*sigh*
Title: Lie
Author: me
Rating: pg-13 cuz they have potty mouth's!
Disclaimer: i own nothing. the title and lyrics in the story are "Lie" by David Cook
Author's Notes: so this little...THING started out as what was going to be five different drabbles for for five different words. the first was called LIE but then it spawned into this almost 4500-word ficlet it's kinda angsty and schmoopy and completely....weird? well not weird. but see, "Lie" and this fic go together but at the same time they don't. hopefully ya'll will enjoy it and comment. :)
[Lie]
So lie to me and tell me everything’s gonna be alright
So lie to me and tell me the we’ll make it through the night.
I don’t mind if you wait before you tear me apart,
Look me in the eye and lie, lie, lie-
"Lie" by David Cook
Darkness threatens upon you and for once you’re terrified of being alone. Alone in the dark, alone in the world, alone in this room. The sun’s almost completely below the horizon and you shiver. You’re not okay with this silence that’s enveloped the room since Adam left. Because of your feeble attempt at holding back your anger (or maybe it was just stupidity, you’re not entirely sure yet), Adam left in a raging storm of fury and hurt.
You can’t get the argument out of your head. It’s reeling like a fucking broken record. If you could reach inside and yank it out you would. Then you’d stomp on it until it’s a mass of twisted stuff and completely gone. But you know it wouldn’t work anyway. The argument would still find a way to seep into your mind and plague you once again.
With a groan you flop onto the bed, the darkness masking the room in an eery blanket. You cringe at the thought of Adam not coming back tonight. The busses are supposed to get moving again tomorrow morning. If Adam’s not back in time then you and he both will get in trouble with the managers. But you push that out of your mind. Adam will come back.
He always comes back.
You sigh and bury your face into the nearest pillow. It’s then you realize that you’re on Adam’s bed, with Adam’s pillows, and Adam’s scent all around you. You curse but keep your face smushed into the softness anyway. You want him here with you and if it can’t be physically then you’ll settle for a pillow.
Eyes closed, you start to hum a melody that’s soft and lulls you to sleep every time. Only this time it’s just a simple melody to sing. No going to sleep. Instead, a rush of hazy images and blurred words greet you and you scowl. Why won’t it just go away?
You can see, through the haze, Adam’s face twisted in anger and so un-Adam like that it makes you want to cry. You never meant to say what you said, never meant to hurt him. You love him and you would never intentionally break his heart. But you did, Kris. Adam’s previous words make your head hurt and your heart ache.
The images swirl and combine and eventually become clear as day. You cringe away from them but they stick. Almost like they’ve been stuck with super glue. Reaching through the darkness, you start scrabbling around on the bedside table between the two beds until you find Adam’s iPod. You’re surprised it wasn’t in Adam’s bag, where he usually stores it when not in use, but you’re glad it’s here. You stuff the buds in your ears and power the device on. After a moment of scrolling through numerous albums you find the one you want.
“Lie” by David Cook floods through the earbuds and you sniffle. If you could get Adam to come back right now you’d lie to him and tell him that everything’s alright. You’ll lie to him, saying that he and you will make it through the night. You’ll look him in the eye and lie, lie, lie.
Sleep starts to drag you down and you readily greet it. You’ll take anything other than the images and words spinning through your mind. Eyes closed and breaths evening out, you turn the music down slightly before drifting off.
The room is cold from the air conditioning that’s been on all day. You relish in the way it feels against your overheated skin. The day’s been a grueling one. One filled with a couple of last minute rehearsals and then the show. It’s rounding ten-thirty and you can’t wait to fall into that bed and go to sleep.
Adam comes in behind you, boots hanging out of his bag and his hair a mess of wisps and fly-aways. You throw your bag and guitar on your bed and Adam drops his things by the door. You watch with a frown on your face. He hasn’t been his normal cheerful self today. You noticed it as soon he brushed past you to get to the bathroom this morning. He was silent and you barely got a “Good morning” out of him.
He stayed reserved, quiet, throughout the day. You didn’t like it. And when it came time for your duet with him at the show you were nervous. You were ready to take him by the collar of his rhinestone jacket and shake him until he told you what was wrong with him. He hardly looked at you during the duet or the rest of the show.
So now you corner him in the bathroom where he’s already wiping his make-up off. He looks startled for a second before breaking out into the smile you’ve missed all day. But it seems different. Edgier. The corners are shaking and his blue eyes are wary.
“Adam, what’s up with you? You haven’t been yourself all day,” you ask and Adam visibly flinches. He finishes wiping the make-up off his face before letting the washcloth hit the sink. He leaves it there and walks out of the bathroom into the room. You follow, huffing slightly. “Adam.” You touch his shoulder but he jerks away.
“Sorry,” he mutters as he drops onto the bed wearily. He sighs and rubs a hand over his face. Your frown deepens as you stand over him. The lines in his face are creased and his pretty mouth is curved down. He’s normally so happy and out there that this just makes you feel all wrong inside.
“Adam, talk to me,” you say desperately. Adam leans onto his elbows and cradles his head in his hands. He sighs again, heavier this time. You hesitantly touch his shoulder, another try, and he leans into you instead of flinching away.
“Brad’s being a dick again,” he confesses. You mentally roll your eyes. You’re so tired of hearing about Brad and Drake, Drake and Brad, that you actually wish that Adam would shut up for once. You have Adam to yourself but you know that a piece of him is with Brad and a piece with Drake. He was with Brad for the longest time, Brad being his first love and all. You know he’s Drake’s best friend and that Drake wants more. But you can’t bring yourself to really care.
It makes you feel selfish. You want Adam to be one-hundred percent yours. Yet you know that won’t happen as long as those two are around. You’ve never been one to criticize or to shun others. But the energy that is Brad and the southern charm that is Drake bring those feelings out in you. You can’t help it.
So you ignore the look in Adam’s eyes when you pull away with a barely-audible huff of annoyance. “What?” he asks, turning to you. You shake your head and get up, heading for the bathroom. You could really use a shower.
“Nothing. It’s just…why do you put up that?” You whirl around at the bathroom entrance to face him.
Adam’s jaw drops. “Kris, what’re you talking about?” he splutters. You silently revel in the fact that you’ve found a chink in Adam Lambert’s armor. You’ve found his weak spot.
“I’m just saying, ya know? Why do you put up with Brad’s shit? And then go and put up with Drake’s shit? You’re better than that. You can have better than that,” you say confidently.
But that confidence drains when you see the hurt that flashes through those eyes. They then harden over in anger and something you can’t place. He’s off the bed and storming across the room in a second. “Let me guess. You’re the better one that I can have? I’ve already got you, Kris. So what’s the deal?”
“I told you! Why put up with their shit? It obviously doesn’t suit you. It makes you mad and angry most of the time. Like the other day. You came storming into the bus, didn’t say a word to any of us, then holed yourself up in your bunk until the next rest stop. Found out later it was because Brad was a dick, once again.” You have no idea where all this confidence to say these things is coming from. You just know you don’t like it.
Adam’s eyes darken and his hands clench into fists at his sides. He’s shaking slightly and you think for a second that he’s going to blow up on you. You might deserve it after all things you’ve already said and the things that are boiling under the surface. You’ve wanted to get this off your chest for a while now.
“Drake’s my best friend okay? I ‘put up’ with his ‘shit’ because I’m not losing him. He may want more from me but I’m taken already. And Brad….god, Kris. You should be used to this by now! You know how Brad is but you know he’s a good guy, too. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t ask for your permission to love someone else!” You watch his mouth clamp shut at the words that came out.
You see the anger flash behind your eyes, red hot and unfamiliar. You don’t get this angry over something. Especially not with Adam. Adam’s your confidant, the one you go to when you need to talk or get some kind of release from what you’re feeling. This time, though, you’re not holding it all back.
“I know you still love Brad and I know that you’re not in love with him. But damn, Adam! You take all of his shit in such easy stride that you don’t notice it’s dragging you down. You know you barely looked at me throughout the show tonight? It killed me ‘cause I thought I did something wrong. Then I find out, oh it’s just Brad again.”
“Don’t talk about him like that,” Adam spits out. You’re the one flinching this time. Adam’s fingers are digging into his palms, his face is flushing with anger, and his eyes are considerably darker than they were five minutes ago. “You don’t know him like I do.”
“Yeah? Well good. From what you tell me about him, I’m not so sure if I want to know him,” you fire back.
“Fuck you, Kris Allen.” With that you watch as Adam grabs his boots, shoves his feet into them, then gets up and storms towards the door. You grab his wrist before he can walk completely out of your life for the night.
“So what? You’re not going to stay and just talk to me? You’re gonna go out and find some random guy to fuck?” The moment the words leave your mouth is the moment you realize you could have potentially ruined one of the best things in your life. The words burned like acid and you wish you could take them back.
“Is that really how you feel? You think that every time we have an argument or disagree about something that I go out and fuck random people to get over it? Fine! I’ll go call up Brad. At least that way it won’t be some random hook up!” He jerks his wrist out of your grip and yanks open the door.
“Adam, wait! I didn’t me-“
“Whatever, Kris. Just…leave me alone,” he mutters. He takes one last longing glance at you and you feel horrible. The anger has left his eyes and has been replaced with hurt. You hurt his feelings. You did the unspeakable. You brought the past back. A past that labeled him as a queer, a freak, a weirdo.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you intentionally! You know I would never, Adam!” Adam scoffs and steps into the hallway.
“But you did, Kris.”
The door slams loudly before you can even register that he’s gone.
Your eyes fly open. Nightmare. Only real. Your heart clenches in your chest and you can feel the tears burning at the brim. You force yourself into a sitting position. How could you be so…mean? So heartless? A humorless laugh comes out at the reference.
You glance at the digital clock sitting by the bed. It’s almost four in the morning. Adam’s not back. Uneasiness grips you in its claws and you can’t sit anymore. You yank the earbuds out and gently place the iPod on the mattress. You start to pace, hand running furiously through your disheveled hair. He should be back.
Unless he’s spending the night with someone else. You don’t want to entertain that idea. Adam wouldn’t do that to you. You know he wouldn’t. Just like you told yourself that you would never hurt the one man you love but you did anyway, intentionally or not.
You just want him back.
***
At five a.m. the door to the room opens. You blink rapidly against the light spilling in from the hallway around Adam’s frame. You freeze, afraid of what’s going to happen next. He comes inside and closes the door quietly.
“No need in being quiet,” you mumble, arms crossed like a child’s, and your heart starts to race.
Adam jumps, startled at your quiet comment. You reach over and click on the lamp hanging over the bed. It barely reaches him but you can still the way he looks. His hair is sticking up in odd tufts, despite being a mohawk-inspired hairstyle. His eyes are rimmed with dark circles and what eyeliner didn’t get washed off is smudged in the corners and streaked down one of his cheeks. His clothes are wrinkled and his shoes are off; one of his socks are missing.
“Adam?”
Adam rolls his tired eyes but comes to sit on the bed anyway. He drops his shoes and the missing socks rolls out onto the floor. You ignore it and watch the way he slumps onto his back and lets his legs dangle, toes brushing the carpet. You hesitantly reach out, afraid he’ll attack or worse: leave you again.
“Adam,” you say again and crawl on your knees across the bed. You sprawl out onto your stomach next to him and kick your legs up in the air, ankles crossed. Picking at the comforter, you stay quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry.”
The apology is quiet but it’s still there. It lingers in the air between you and Adam, and Adam takes in a sharp breath. He lets it out slowly, shakily. “I know,” he murmurs. You can barely hear it in the space between.
“Where have you been? I was so worried,” you admit and scoot a little closer. You touch his hair and his eyes flutter. You run your fingers through it and his eyes close all the way. You can faintly feel the product left over from yesterday and almost tell him to go clean up, then you’ll talk.
You don’t.
“I was out. Random hook-up remember?” he retorts. You know he’s just kidding, though. You know he wouldn’t do that and he knows he wouldn’t that. “I went to the park and called Brad.” You tense up and your fingers quit running through his hair. It’s sticking up even more now.
“Oh,” is all you muster as a reply. You want to dislike Brad so much, yet you can’t. Brad’s been a part of Adam’s life, a part that you can’t take away. “Was it a good talk?”
“It was great. We talked about you and me. We talked about me and Drake. We talked about me and him,” Adam rasps out. His eyes pop open and a tear slides down the side of his face.
Upon instinct, you cup that side of his face with a hand and wipe the tear away with your thumb. You did that with Katy all the time. The last time you did it was when she announced three months ago that she wanted a divorce. You had, have, Adam so it really wasn’t too big of a deal for you. You still love her but you’re in love with Adam. So the separation wasn’t that bad. She understands and she still loves you.
“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to say that to you. It just came out. I was so….mad and I don’t even know why,” you admit. Adam sighs heavily and cuts his eyes to you. They’re filled with tears and other emotions that you can’t describe. The most prominent, though, is love.
“I know you’re sorry. But, Kris, Drake and Brad will always be a part of me, a part of my life. You can’t take that away. No matter how much I love you, I’ll always love them, too. Of course, I’m in love with you. Brad was my first and even after what happened between the two of us, I still found time to love him and keep him in my life. What you said…it really hurt me, Kris.” Adam has to stop. He sucks his bottom lip between his teeth, his sure fire way of keeping his emotions at bay.
“I know,” you kiss his cheek where a tear clings to a freckle, “I know.”
He wraps his arms around your shoulders and in a second you’re underneath him. “I don’t want to lose you, Kris.” He kisses you chastely and presses his hips down into yours. “What happened with me and Brad isn’t happening to us.” You gasp as he leaves a trail of little nips across your jaw. He stops at your ear, nibbling on the lobe.
“Adam,” you breathe and run your hands over his shoulders where you cling onto his rumpled t-shirt tightly. He rolls his hips against yours in some desperate attempt to get you to pay attention to him. You’re already paying full attention so you push back. “We have to be up and ready to load the busses at eight. It’s already five-thirty,” you point out.
“Plenty of time,” he mutters against your ear. You shudder in pleasure but you don’t want to rush into something out of guilt or because Adam actually forgave you.
“You’re tired. You need sleep.” You push on his shoulders until he’s spread out on the mattress.
“’m not tired,” he grumbles but you can see his eyes drooping. He curls up, shoving a pillow under his head. You laugh quietly and get up to get the blanket off your bed. You drape it over him and he snuggles into it with a soft sigh.
“I’ll wake you up when it’s time to get ready,” you tell him. He nods his head and his breathing starts to even out gradually.
For now you’ll thank the Lord you didn’t have to lie to his face to be happy. You’ll be happy that he forgave you so easily and that you were so willing to forgive. You start to wonder if maybe your outburst was because you were lying to yourself. You love Adam, but how much of him is really with you? You’ve been lying to yourself. Telling the whispers of doubt in your mind that he’s completely yours, not anybody else’s. You know that’s not the truth. He belongs to you, to Drake, and to Brad.
You’ll treat him well, just like he’ll treat you well. You know you’re in love with him and he’s in love with you. Whenever he’s feeling down because of Brad or Drake you’ll lie to yourself and to him and say you don’t mind. Because Adam belongs to more people than you, whether you like it or not. You’ll always have tinglings of anger whenever Brad pulls his shit again and you’ll always want to strangle Drake whenever he tries to get more of Adam. You know that Adam won’t give him more and he won’t let Brad use him again. He’ll love them unconditionally because they’re a part of him.
You…you will love him all the time for who he is. You won’t question his actions when it comes to other people. You won’t let him down again like you did earlier in the night. You won’t very nearly break his heart or hurt him. You won’t bring back that look in his eyes from earlier; that nearly killed you. You won’t lie to him and you won’t hide your feelings anymore.
Tonight could’ve been the breaking point in your relationship with Adam. He could’ve very nearly walked out of this relationship because of some simple words you said that hurt him more than you care take notice of. It hurt you hurting him. You can’t even think about what it would be like without his friendship, his love, being in your life.
After this hopefully things will be okay.
You look down at him and he’s snoring softly, mouth open and a line of drool making it’s way down the corner of his mouth. Holding back laughter, you smooth back his hair. He mumbles something incoherent and you smile.
***
At seven-thirty you and Adam are lugging bags down to one of the two busses. Adam has barely spoken a word since you woke him up at seven to get ready. You thought that after the early morning apologies and the almost-make-up sex that he would come around. Maybe he’s just avoiding the situation, you think.
Once the bags are on the bus, you follow Adam up the stairs and into the living area where there’s a couch that supports three and an entertainment area set up with movies and video games. He walks past all that, though, and hurries to the bunks. You hesitate to follow but do so anyway.
You stop when you hear him heaving himself to his bunk. You can hear the clicking of cell phone keys and freeze. You don’t want to spy but you can’t help yourself. Maybe it’ll help to quell the fear you have about him still being mad at you.
“Hey.” Adam’s voice is gentle and still thick with sleep. You could listen to him talk like all the time. “Brad, don’t be like this. Please.”
There’s a beat of silence in which you can hear a voice yelling over the phone. It sounds like Brad.
“Brad, I’m sorry okay? You were my first love and you always will be but I fell out of it when Idol happened and then I met Kris. Don’t judge me for that. Don’t call me a hypocrite just because I told you things would never change between us and then I went and fell in love with someone else. Okay?” Another moment of silence, yet you swear your pounding heart can be heard miles away. “Fine. Love you. I’ll talk to you later.”
A sigh and a rustle and you head for the bunk. You push the curtain aside and his eyes go wide before relaxing. “Hey,” you say and cross your arms on his thigh, lay your cheek on your folded hands so you’re still facing him. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” he breathes out. He pulls on your closest wrist and you stretch your arm out towards him. He laces his fingers with yours and starts playing with them, lost in thought. “I’m still mad at you just so you know.”
“I figured. You didn’t talk to me when I got you up. I knew that the talk we had before you conked out wouldn’t be enough,” you sigh. With your free hand you draw patterns on his jean-clad thigh. Muscles jump at the touch and it never fails to blow your mind that you can do that to him.
“I know you’re sorry, Kris. But you really hurt my feelings. In a way it felt like high school all over again. I felt like the kid that always got picked on when I went into the bathroom just seconds after another guy would walk in there. Then you went and accused me of going to fuck my feelings away and it hurt. For a second I actually doubted my faith in you.” He laughs shortly but you don’t see the amusement in the situation.
“Take your time. But just know that I was mad and what I said just slipped out. Normally I would never say something like that, much less think it. I guess it felt a little nice to for once admit to something I’m feeling when it comes to Brad or Drake.” Adam opens his mouth to interuppt you. You pinch his thigh to shut him up. “Adam, I know they’re a part of you. I’m okay with that. I just didn’t understand, I guess. The only person I’ve ever had in my life like that is Katy.”
“It’s okay.” He raises your hand to his mouth and presses a kiss to the knuckle of each finger. It makes your insides feel like goo and your mind a muddled mess. “I’ll get over it. We’ll be okay.”
Your heart swells at the thought. He wants this to work, to be okay. Just like you want to tell yourself that you’ll always be okay with Brad and Drake, but only when Adam’s around. You’ll do this for Adam and Adam only.
“I love you, you know?” Adam whispers, eyes closed and head resting against the bunk wall separating his space from the other.
You smile for real this time. “Yeah, me too.” He squeezes your hand tightly as you draw more random patterns on his thigh.
“We should totally have hot make-up sex before everoyne gets on the busses.”
Eyes wide, you pinch his thigh again. “Adam!”
“What?” He shrugs innocently. “I’m just saying. All arguments have hot make-up sex involved.”
“You’re too much to handle sometimes,” you joke. He grins and before you can really think about he’s double over in the available space of the bunk and kissing you, licking along the seam of your lips to gain entrance.
As his tongue slides into your mouth, drawing a moan from you, you think that maybe everything will be alright.
Author: me
Rating: pg-13 cuz they have potty mouth's!
Disclaimer: i own nothing. the title and lyrics in the story are "Lie" by David Cook
Author's Notes: so this little...THING started out as what was going to be five different drabbles for for five different words. the first was called LIE but then it spawned into this almost 4500-word ficlet it's kinda angsty and schmoopy and completely....weird? well not weird. but see, "Lie" and this fic go together but at the same time they don't. hopefully ya'll will enjoy it and comment. :)
[Lie]
So lie to me and tell me everything’s gonna be alright
So lie to me and tell me the we’ll make it through the night.
I don’t mind if you wait before you tear me apart,
Look me in the eye and lie, lie, lie-
"Lie" by David Cook
Darkness threatens upon you and for once you’re terrified of being alone. Alone in the dark, alone in the world, alone in this room. The sun’s almost completely below the horizon and you shiver. You’re not okay with this silence that’s enveloped the room since Adam left. Because of your feeble attempt at holding back your anger (or maybe it was just stupidity, you’re not entirely sure yet), Adam left in a raging storm of fury and hurt.
You can’t get the argument out of your head. It’s reeling like a fucking broken record. If you could reach inside and yank it out you would. Then you’d stomp on it until it’s a mass of twisted stuff and completely gone. But you know it wouldn’t work anyway. The argument would still find a way to seep into your mind and plague you once again.
With a groan you flop onto the bed, the darkness masking the room in an eery blanket. You cringe at the thought of Adam not coming back tonight. The busses are supposed to get moving again tomorrow morning. If Adam’s not back in time then you and he both will get in trouble with the managers. But you push that out of your mind. Adam will come back.
He always comes back.
You sigh and bury your face into the nearest pillow. It’s then you realize that you’re on Adam’s bed, with Adam’s pillows, and Adam’s scent all around you. You curse but keep your face smushed into the softness anyway. You want him here with you and if it can’t be physically then you’ll settle for a pillow.
Eyes closed, you start to hum a melody that’s soft and lulls you to sleep every time. Only this time it’s just a simple melody to sing. No going to sleep. Instead, a rush of hazy images and blurred words greet you and you scowl. Why won’t it just go away?
You can see, through the haze, Adam’s face twisted in anger and so un-Adam like that it makes you want to cry. You never meant to say what you said, never meant to hurt him. You love him and you would never intentionally break his heart. But you did, Kris. Adam’s previous words make your head hurt and your heart ache.
The images swirl and combine and eventually become clear as day. You cringe away from them but they stick. Almost like they’ve been stuck with super glue. Reaching through the darkness, you start scrabbling around on the bedside table between the two beds until you find Adam’s iPod. You’re surprised it wasn’t in Adam’s bag, where he usually stores it when not in use, but you’re glad it’s here. You stuff the buds in your ears and power the device on. After a moment of scrolling through numerous albums you find the one you want.
“Lie” by David Cook floods through the earbuds and you sniffle. If you could get Adam to come back right now you’d lie to him and tell him that everything’s alright. You’ll lie to him, saying that he and you will make it through the night. You’ll look him in the eye and lie, lie, lie.
Sleep starts to drag you down and you readily greet it. You’ll take anything other than the images and words spinning through your mind. Eyes closed and breaths evening out, you turn the music down slightly before drifting off.
The room is cold from the air conditioning that’s been on all day. You relish in the way it feels against your overheated skin. The day’s been a grueling one. One filled with a couple of last minute rehearsals and then the show. It’s rounding ten-thirty and you can’t wait to fall into that bed and go to sleep.
Adam comes in behind you, boots hanging out of his bag and his hair a mess of wisps and fly-aways. You throw your bag and guitar on your bed and Adam drops his things by the door. You watch with a frown on your face. He hasn’t been his normal cheerful self today. You noticed it as soon he brushed past you to get to the bathroom this morning. He was silent and you barely got a “Good morning” out of him.
He stayed reserved, quiet, throughout the day. You didn’t like it. And when it came time for your duet with him at the show you were nervous. You were ready to take him by the collar of his rhinestone jacket and shake him until he told you what was wrong with him. He hardly looked at you during the duet or the rest of the show.
So now you corner him in the bathroom where he’s already wiping his make-up off. He looks startled for a second before breaking out into the smile you’ve missed all day. But it seems different. Edgier. The corners are shaking and his blue eyes are wary.
“Adam, what’s up with you? You haven’t been yourself all day,” you ask and Adam visibly flinches. He finishes wiping the make-up off his face before letting the washcloth hit the sink. He leaves it there and walks out of the bathroom into the room. You follow, huffing slightly. “Adam.” You touch his shoulder but he jerks away.
“Sorry,” he mutters as he drops onto the bed wearily. He sighs and rubs a hand over his face. Your frown deepens as you stand over him. The lines in his face are creased and his pretty mouth is curved down. He’s normally so happy and out there that this just makes you feel all wrong inside.
“Adam, talk to me,” you say desperately. Adam leans onto his elbows and cradles his head in his hands. He sighs again, heavier this time. You hesitantly touch his shoulder, another try, and he leans into you instead of flinching away.
“Brad’s being a dick again,” he confesses. You mentally roll your eyes. You’re so tired of hearing about Brad and Drake, Drake and Brad, that you actually wish that Adam would shut up for once. You have Adam to yourself but you know that a piece of him is with Brad and a piece with Drake. He was with Brad for the longest time, Brad being his first love and all. You know he’s Drake’s best friend and that Drake wants more. But you can’t bring yourself to really care.
It makes you feel selfish. You want Adam to be one-hundred percent yours. Yet you know that won’t happen as long as those two are around. You’ve never been one to criticize or to shun others. But the energy that is Brad and the southern charm that is Drake bring those feelings out in you. You can’t help it.
So you ignore the look in Adam’s eyes when you pull away with a barely-audible huff of annoyance. “What?” he asks, turning to you. You shake your head and get up, heading for the bathroom. You could really use a shower.
“Nothing. It’s just…why do you put up that?” You whirl around at the bathroom entrance to face him.
Adam’s jaw drops. “Kris, what’re you talking about?” he splutters. You silently revel in the fact that you’ve found a chink in Adam Lambert’s armor. You’ve found his weak spot.
“I’m just saying, ya know? Why do you put up with Brad’s shit? And then go and put up with Drake’s shit? You’re better than that. You can have better than that,” you say confidently.
But that confidence drains when you see the hurt that flashes through those eyes. They then harden over in anger and something you can’t place. He’s off the bed and storming across the room in a second. “Let me guess. You’re the better one that I can have? I’ve already got you, Kris. So what’s the deal?”
“I told you! Why put up with their shit? It obviously doesn’t suit you. It makes you mad and angry most of the time. Like the other day. You came storming into the bus, didn’t say a word to any of us, then holed yourself up in your bunk until the next rest stop. Found out later it was because Brad was a dick, once again.” You have no idea where all this confidence to say these things is coming from. You just know you don’t like it.
Adam’s eyes darken and his hands clench into fists at his sides. He’s shaking slightly and you think for a second that he’s going to blow up on you. You might deserve it after all things you’ve already said and the things that are boiling under the surface. You’ve wanted to get this off your chest for a while now.
“Drake’s my best friend okay? I ‘put up’ with his ‘shit’ because I’m not losing him. He may want more from me but I’m taken already. And Brad….god, Kris. You should be used to this by now! You know how Brad is but you know he’s a good guy, too. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t ask for your permission to love someone else!” You watch his mouth clamp shut at the words that came out.
You see the anger flash behind your eyes, red hot and unfamiliar. You don’t get this angry over something. Especially not with Adam. Adam’s your confidant, the one you go to when you need to talk or get some kind of release from what you’re feeling. This time, though, you’re not holding it all back.
“I know you still love Brad and I know that you’re not in love with him. But damn, Adam! You take all of his shit in such easy stride that you don’t notice it’s dragging you down. You know you barely looked at me throughout the show tonight? It killed me ‘cause I thought I did something wrong. Then I find out, oh it’s just Brad again.”
“Don’t talk about him like that,” Adam spits out. You’re the one flinching this time. Adam’s fingers are digging into his palms, his face is flushing with anger, and his eyes are considerably darker than they were five minutes ago. “You don’t know him like I do.”
“Yeah? Well good. From what you tell me about him, I’m not so sure if I want to know him,” you fire back.
“Fuck you, Kris Allen.” With that you watch as Adam grabs his boots, shoves his feet into them, then gets up and storms towards the door. You grab his wrist before he can walk completely out of your life for the night.
“So what? You’re not going to stay and just talk to me? You’re gonna go out and find some random guy to fuck?” The moment the words leave your mouth is the moment you realize you could have potentially ruined one of the best things in your life. The words burned like acid and you wish you could take them back.
“Is that really how you feel? You think that every time we have an argument or disagree about something that I go out and fuck random people to get over it? Fine! I’ll go call up Brad. At least that way it won’t be some random hook up!” He jerks his wrist out of your grip and yanks open the door.
“Adam, wait! I didn’t me-“
“Whatever, Kris. Just…leave me alone,” he mutters. He takes one last longing glance at you and you feel horrible. The anger has left his eyes and has been replaced with hurt. You hurt his feelings. You did the unspeakable. You brought the past back. A past that labeled him as a queer, a freak, a weirdo.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you intentionally! You know I would never, Adam!” Adam scoffs and steps into the hallway.
“But you did, Kris.”
The door slams loudly before you can even register that he’s gone.
Your eyes fly open. Nightmare. Only real. Your heart clenches in your chest and you can feel the tears burning at the brim. You force yourself into a sitting position. How could you be so…mean? So heartless? A humorless laugh comes out at the reference.
You glance at the digital clock sitting by the bed. It’s almost four in the morning. Adam’s not back. Uneasiness grips you in its claws and you can’t sit anymore. You yank the earbuds out and gently place the iPod on the mattress. You start to pace, hand running furiously through your disheveled hair. He should be back.
Unless he’s spending the night with someone else. You don’t want to entertain that idea. Adam wouldn’t do that to you. You know he wouldn’t. Just like you told yourself that you would never hurt the one man you love but you did anyway, intentionally or not.
You just want him back.
***
At five a.m. the door to the room opens. You blink rapidly against the light spilling in from the hallway around Adam’s frame. You freeze, afraid of what’s going to happen next. He comes inside and closes the door quietly.
“No need in being quiet,” you mumble, arms crossed like a child’s, and your heart starts to race.
Adam jumps, startled at your quiet comment. You reach over and click on the lamp hanging over the bed. It barely reaches him but you can still the way he looks. His hair is sticking up in odd tufts, despite being a mohawk-inspired hairstyle. His eyes are rimmed with dark circles and what eyeliner didn’t get washed off is smudged in the corners and streaked down one of his cheeks. His clothes are wrinkled and his shoes are off; one of his socks are missing.
“Adam?”
Adam rolls his tired eyes but comes to sit on the bed anyway. He drops his shoes and the missing socks rolls out onto the floor. You ignore it and watch the way he slumps onto his back and lets his legs dangle, toes brushing the carpet. You hesitantly reach out, afraid he’ll attack or worse: leave you again.
“Adam,” you say again and crawl on your knees across the bed. You sprawl out onto your stomach next to him and kick your legs up in the air, ankles crossed. Picking at the comforter, you stay quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry.”
The apology is quiet but it’s still there. It lingers in the air between you and Adam, and Adam takes in a sharp breath. He lets it out slowly, shakily. “I know,” he murmurs. You can barely hear it in the space between.
“Where have you been? I was so worried,” you admit and scoot a little closer. You touch his hair and his eyes flutter. You run your fingers through it and his eyes close all the way. You can faintly feel the product left over from yesterday and almost tell him to go clean up, then you’ll talk.
You don’t.
“I was out. Random hook-up remember?” he retorts. You know he’s just kidding, though. You know he wouldn’t do that and he knows he wouldn’t that. “I went to the park and called Brad.” You tense up and your fingers quit running through his hair. It’s sticking up even more now.
“Oh,” is all you muster as a reply. You want to dislike Brad so much, yet you can’t. Brad’s been a part of Adam’s life, a part that you can’t take away. “Was it a good talk?”
“It was great. We talked about you and me. We talked about me and Drake. We talked about me and him,” Adam rasps out. His eyes pop open and a tear slides down the side of his face.
Upon instinct, you cup that side of his face with a hand and wipe the tear away with your thumb. You did that with Katy all the time. The last time you did it was when she announced three months ago that she wanted a divorce. You had, have, Adam so it really wasn’t too big of a deal for you. You still love her but you’re in love with Adam. So the separation wasn’t that bad. She understands and she still loves you.
“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to say that to you. It just came out. I was so….mad and I don’t even know why,” you admit. Adam sighs heavily and cuts his eyes to you. They’re filled with tears and other emotions that you can’t describe. The most prominent, though, is love.
“I know you’re sorry. But, Kris, Drake and Brad will always be a part of me, a part of my life. You can’t take that away. No matter how much I love you, I’ll always love them, too. Of course, I’m in love with you. Brad was my first and even after what happened between the two of us, I still found time to love him and keep him in my life. What you said…it really hurt me, Kris.” Adam has to stop. He sucks his bottom lip between his teeth, his sure fire way of keeping his emotions at bay.
“I know,” you kiss his cheek where a tear clings to a freckle, “I know.”
He wraps his arms around your shoulders and in a second you’re underneath him. “I don’t want to lose you, Kris.” He kisses you chastely and presses his hips down into yours. “What happened with me and Brad isn’t happening to us.” You gasp as he leaves a trail of little nips across your jaw. He stops at your ear, nibbling on the lobe.
“Adam,” you breathe and run your hands over his shoulders where you cling onto his rumpled t-shirt tightly. He rolls his hips against yours in some desperate attempt to get you to pay attention to him. You’re already paying full attention so you push back. “We have to be up and ready to load the busses at eight. It’s already five-thirty,” you point out.
“Plenty of time,” he mutters against your ear. You shudder in pleasure but you don’t want to rush into something out of guilt or because Adam actually forgave you.
“You’re tired. You need sleep.” You push on his shoulders until he’s spread out on the mattress.
“’m not tired,” he grumbles but you can see his eyes drooping. He curls up, shoving a pillow under his head. You laugh quietly and get up to get the blanket off your bed. You drape it over him and he snuggles into it with a soft sigh.
“I’ll wake you up when it’s time to get ready,” you tell him. He nods his head and his breathing starts to even out gradually.
For now you’ll thank the Lord you didn’t have to lie to his face to be happy. You’ll be happy that he forgave you so easily and that you were so willing to forgive. You start to wonder if maybe your outburst was because you were lying to yourself. You love Adam, but how much of him is really with you? You’ve been lying to yourself. Telling the whispers of doubt in your mind that he’s completely yours, not anybody else’s. You know that’s not the truth. He belongs to you, to Drake, and to Brad.
You’ll treat him well, just like he’ll treat you well. You know you’re in love with him and he’s in love with you. Whenever he’s feeling down because of Brad or Drake you’ll lie to yourself and to him and say you don’t mind. Because Adam belongs to more people than you, whether you like it or not. You’ll always have tinglings of anger whenever Brad pulls his shit again and you’ll always want to strangle Drake whenever he tries to get more of Adam. You know that Adam won’t give him more and he won’t let Brad use him again. He’ll love them unconditionally because they’re a part of him.
You…you will love him all the time for who he is. You won’t question his actions when it comes to other people. You won’t let him down again like you did earlier in the night. You won’t very nearly break his heart or hurt him. You won’t bring back that look in his eyes from earlier; that nearly killed you. You won’t lie to him and you won’t hide your feelings anymore.
Tonight could’ve been the breaking point in your relationship with Adam. He could’ve very nearly walked out of this relationship because of some simple words you said that hurt him more than you care take notice of. It hurt you hurting him. You can’t even think about what it would be like without his friendship, his love, being in your life.
After this hopefully things will be okay.
You look down at him and he’s snoring softly, mouth open and a line of drool making it’s way down the corner of his mouth. Holding back laughter, you smooth back his hair. He mumbles something incoherent and you smile.
***
At seven-thirty you and Adam are lugging bags down to one of the two busses. Adam has barely spoken a word since you woke him up at seven to get ready. You thought that after the early morning apologies and the almost-make-up sex that he would come around. Maybe he’s just avoiding the situation, you think.
Once the bags are on the bus, you follow Adam up the stairs and into the living area where there’s a couch that supports three and an entertainment area set up with movies and video games. He walks past all that, though, and hurries to the bunks. You hesitate to follow but do so anyway.
You stop when you hear him heaving himself to his bunk. You can hear the clicking of cell phone keys and freeze. You don’t want to spy but you can’t help yourself. Maybe it’ll help to quell the fear you have about him still being mad at you.
“Hey.” Adam’s voice is gentle and still thick with sleep. You could listen to him talk like all the time. “Brad, don’t be like this. Please.”
There’s a beat of silence in which you can hear a voice yelling over the phone. It sounds like Brad.
“Brad, I’m sorry okay? You were my first love and you always will be but I fell out of it when Idol happened and then I met Kris. Don’t judge me for that. Don’t call me a hypocrite just because I told you things would never change between us and then I went and fell in love with someone else. Okay?” Another moment of silence, yet you swear your pounding heart can be heard miles away. “Fine. Love you. I’ll talk to you later.”
A sigh and a rustle and you head for the bunk. You push the curtain aside and his eyes go wide before relaxing. “Hey,” you say and cross your arms on his thigh, lay your cheek on your folded hands so you’re still facing him. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” he breathes out. He pulls on your closest wrist and you stretch your arm out towards him. He laces his fingers with yours and starts playing with them, lost in thought. “I’m still mad at you just so you know.”
“I figured. You didn’t talk to me when I got you up. I knew that the talk we had before you conked out wouldn’t be enough,” you sigh. With your free hand you draw patterns on his jean-clad thigh. Muscles jump at the touch and it never fails to blow your mind that you can do that to him.
“I know you’re sorry, Kris. But you really hurt my feelings. In a way it felt like high school all over again. I felt like the kid that always got picked on when I went into the bathroom just seconds after another guy would walk in there. Then you went and accused me of going to fuck my feelings away and it hurt. For a second I actually doubted my faith in you.” He laughs shortly but you don’t see the amusement in the situation.
“Take your time. But just know that I was mad and what I said just slipped out. Normally I would never say something like that, much less think it. I guess it felt a little nice to for once admit to something I’m feeling when it comes to Brad or Drake.” Adam opens his mouth to interuppt you. You pinch his thigh to shut him up. “Adam, I know they’re a part of you. I’m okay with that. I just didn’t understand, I guess. The only person I’ve ever had in my life like that is Katy.”
“It’s okay.” He raises your hand to his mouth and presses a kiss to the knuckle of each finger. It makes your insides feel like goo and your mind a muddled mess. “I’ll get over it. We’ll be okay.”
Your heart swells at the thought. He wants this to work, to be okay. Just like you want to tell yourself that you’ll always be okay with Brad and Drake, but only when Adam’s around. You’ll do this for Adam and Adam only.
“I love you, you know?” Adam whispers, eyes closed and head resting against the bunk wall separating his space from the other.
You smile for real this time. “Yeah, me too.” He squeezes your hand tightly as you draw more random patterns on his thigh.
“We should totally have hot make-up sex before everoyne gets on the busses.”
Eyes wide, you pinch his thigh again. “Adam!”
“What?” He shrugs innocently. “I’m just saying. All arguments have hot make-up sex involved.”
“You’re too much to handle sometimes,” you joke. He grins and before you can really think about he’s double over in the available space of the bunk and kissing you, licking along the seam of your lips to gain entrance.
As his tongue slides into your mouth, drawing a moan from you, you think that maybe everything will be alright.