cut myself on baby's breath
i guess i'm in a weird mood. i've been up since about 4pm yesterday, eastern time. i hate having to fucking ellaborate on that shit. what fucking time zone i'm in. does it even really matter? time is supposed to be one of those universal constants and i only find it mocking me and my induldgant cancerian procrastinative nature. so what does it take to reporgram your mind anyways? life changing events in the form of dramatic experiences or the mundane ritualistic exchange of enlightenment to the other guy across from you washing his hands the same time you are in the bathroom mirror. ive read a considerable amount and i never feel any smarter, i play guitar in excess and i never feel any better at it. i guess those are all internal observations and only subjective to my own criteria anyhow, so how arbitrary is that question in relation to everything else in my daily existance? essential i suppose. or maybe not, maybe not at all. i walked all around bleecker street trying to find a fucking place that sells cigarettes at 7:30 in the morning and to my dismay only got the unguided tour of crack-house lane and it's residential non-english speaking patrons. its almost bittersweet the way the arabic store owner down the street is willing to order camel light 100's even just for my own personal purchases... but whatever. i've been subjecting myself to the consumption of every drug that slithers by and like a starving crash site survivor have no remorse for the depravity and absurdity of my own judgements. i've had the pleasure of meeting and acquainting myself with some very hip cats that dig the same shit i do around here. some people who are all ready established with their own modes of practice and patterns of thought. its so refreshing to meet people like that, reguardless of what your definition of those things might be to you. i think the emotion and relief is always similar respectively to each person. i still don't have much money yet, but i'll get paid for 3 weeks of hours on the 22nd and that will be nice. i can finally begin to free myself of hidden tangles of financial strain. i never really... bullshit... well... okay, i didn't have a problem getting along with nothing when its all that was abundant and table scraps were sufficient to appease my wandering lustful appetites. but before i had to experience that i was making money and having nothing to show for it except for my guitar. im very thankful for the guitar though. im not sure if i'll lose the desire to be minimalistic or if its even a possibility, but i'm going to have a lot of money again, and after my responsibilities are taken care of, i know i'll feel ever so much better. i can hold my head up despite my happy-go-lucky demeanor masking inner insecurities and inhabitions. plus, i can actually successfully convince myself that cigarettes and substances of illegal nature are okay to consume without the social implication of guilt from a lack of responsibility and the capability to support myself. anyway i know this sounds like a bunch of rambling and it probably is. i don't even know why i really type in this thing anymore, probably only to get it out of my head. maybe i should channel it elsewhere, because no one even reads this fucking thing. all i know, is i have insightfully consoled myself in reguards to a lack of aggressiveness. maybe i make decisions on my appearance to support an image that will detour trouble from my path, but i think i should care less about what people think, more than i do, and say fuck you to everyone who hasn't yet given me the time of day. wow, how long have i been in new york... seems like a lifetime almost. i spent 3 years in kansas city and i never had this kind of attitude, if anything it was the reverse. that's when i gained my perspectives on neutrallity and passive-agressiveness. how can i say what i really feel and what im really thinking if im not forward enough to express it in an artistic but equally hostile manner? is there any other way? would i choose it if i could? im not sure, but as always, i'm going to stick with the path of going with the flow of my own body of water, what shores i may visit are only pit stops until i drown alone and unaccomplished and insignificant. someone asked me the other day if i felt homesick yet. i honestly don't. i didn't really think about it until that question was asked and then i tried to understand why i'm not bothered in the least bit. i think i like being in new places as much as familiar ones, but the truth is that i havn't felt like i had a home since i moved out of my parents house. relationships faultered and gave way to ego and distance... a lack of communication and daily interraction. friends, family...everyone i knew. i am the healer, i'm the soul-mender, the home maker, the love giver, the friend of compassion, interpreter of empathy, follower of instinct and intuition. the lover of emotion and junkie of that adrenneline i get when i do something nice for someone just so they'll appreciate me. i really don't give a fuck about respect anymore. that hinges too much on everyone's own ideas and concerns. i can't concern myself with all of that, it's too strenuous. but appreciation, its easier to get, as long as you know what to give. in return, i feel comfortable, i feel justified and i don't think i have any reasons to owe anyone anything or explain myself to anyone. its been so long since anyone has come to me with serious problems. i used to be so good at handling that, then it got to be an everyday occurance. then it just stopped. i have a more laxed and distant approach. i guess it keeps my mind open and such. whatever. now i'm just typing cuz there is a girl passed out on my sleeping couch and she's snoring almost as loud as her boyfriend on the recliner. is it bad to be like someone you feel deeply connected to? someone you've never even met? never will meet? but someone... that the more you learn about them the more they seem like you are, coincidentally ? and you try to be like them and find out that you're not being yourself, which is who was like them the most in the first place? confused? me too. i'll post some pictures by monday.