Natural Instincts 10/13
Author: kpopforlife
Word Count: 3660
Rating: PG-13 (overall NC-17)
Pairing/Focus: Jongyu
Genre: omega!verse
Warnings: Omega!verse, knotting
Summary: As soon as Jinki stepped off of the elevator he knew something was off. There was a tension, a faint whiff of something different, something foreign that laced the stagnant air with the most delicious aroma he had ever encountered. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but something was amiss. His senses were heightened, body reacting on its own accord, alpha pheromones immediately stirring, but for what he wasn’t quite sure.
lethallycute & MandeeGee betas<3
Prev
It had been 604,800 seconds. 10,080 minutes. 168 hours. Seven days. One full week. One week since he woke up with Jinki on that couch. One week since Taemin had screamed at him. One week since the idea that he might be kind of just a little bit in love with Jinki had been brought to his attention.
But that was crazy.
How could he just fall in love with someone he’d been friends with for years?
That doesn’t happen.
That wasn’t how life worked.
Sure, he had started looking at Jinki different since this whole bonding thing, and yeah, he definitely had some less than pure thoughts now that he knew what Jinki tasted like and all… but that didn’t mean love. That was just… lust? A byproduct of the whole ‘fucking during heat’ idea. Right?
He wanted to convince himself that this confusion about Jinki was just a result of his newfound guilt, but he knew that wasn’t true. These disconcerted feelings had manifested long before that discussion with Jinki. His latent guilt might have been a bit of a catalyst for making them surface, but he couldn’t pretend like they hadn’t existed. No matter how much he wanted to.
He had thought that some time away from the members (away from Jinki if he was being honest) would help him sort through his feelings, but it was getting him nowhere. All he felt was lonely and muddled and… it hurt. He couldn’t quite vocalize what “it” was, all he knew was that it hurt in the most fundamental of ways and he wanted it to stop. A stiff ball of emotions sat in the center of his chest, choking out his breath and making his heartache.
What made it worse was the he was lying to himself; he knew exactly what “it” was. He knew what it was because it was so noticeably absent when he was with Jinki… and now without the elder’s presence it was so obvious. That ball of stress dissipated when Jinki was near, his soft smiles and gentle fingers made Jonghyun’s insides turn to goo. He couldn’t focus on anything besides Jinki when they were together, and now when he was alone... there was a Jinki-sized hole in his heart that wanted to be filled. But was that love?
This was all so frustrating. He had resolved to deal with his emotions like a mature adult and that's what he needed to do. He knew he wasn’t being fair to Jinki right now, but all he wanted to do was hide away in his room until his next heat. At least when he was in heat it was acceptable, expected even, for him to act like this.
Why did things have to get so complicated?
~~
Jinki sighed, not even trying to fake a smile anymore as he checked the clock for the umpteenth time. He was on a schedule so he should be focusing, playing the part of a good little idol with no personal life but… he just couldn’t today. The manager would bitch him out if anyone noticed but he was going to risk it.
His previous chipper mood had been short-lived. They had all been busy lately so it was natural that he wouldn’t be able to spend much time at home but… it was more than that. Jonghyun was avoiding him. He could feel it not only in the tangible air between them, but the walls Jonghyun was constructing around himself.
He supposed he shouldn’t take it personal since Jonghyun appeared to be avoiding everyone. That knowledge didn’t make it sting any less though. They had been doing so much better since Jonghyun’s last heat and now the beta was pulling away again. He should have expected it, but his bond was apparently a never-ending well of hope. He just had to be patient. That was all. Sure, it hurt now but… in a few months Jonghyun would go through his heat again and Jinki would get to feel that connection again. He just needed to wait. He just needed to ignore Minho’s looks of pity and count the days until he could hold his mate again.
He had survived this long, what was a few more months?
~~
Jonghyun’s time of self-induced seclusion came to an end with Kibum finally cornered him in the kitchen, “What’s going on with you?” he demanded, not bothering to beat around the bush.
Jonghyun knew the younger had a schedule soon, but he had that determined look on his face that meant this wasn’t going to be pushed off to a later time. When Kibum made up his mind about something he was a force to be reckoned with.
“Nothing, I’m fine,” Jonghyun replied, but he knew it was fruitless to even try.
“Bullshit.”
“Kibum, I don’t really want to talk about this, okay?” Jonghyun huffed.
“Not okay. You’ve been avoiding all of us and it needs to stop,” Kibum snapped.
“Look I just need to… think,” Jonghyun tried to explain.
“About what? We’ve been friends for a long time, I know you. Just say it so you can stop this.”
“It’s about Jinki,” Jonghyun whispered.
Kibum just looked at him with a blank face, “Shocker.”
“Stop it,” Jonghyun sighed.
“What? You fucked Jinki again, you guys were all buddy, buddy for a hot minute and then... what?” Kibum pressed.
“Then… I realized… Taemin said something and I...” Jonghyun didn’t know how to express his thoughts because he still had no clue how he felt. He felt like he was going around in circles in his own mind.
“What?”
“Do you think I’m in love with Jinki?” Jonghyun finally blurted out, the words tasting foreign on his lips. He had rolled the thought around in his head so many times, but this was the first time he had vocalized his worries.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Kibum hissed.
“Is that a no?” Jonghyun flinched, voice turning meek at Kibum’s tone.
“You’ve been pushing him away for months, making him feel like shit, turning our group upside down and now you think you might be in love with him? What in the actual fuck is wrong with you? If you thought there was a chance you could reciprocate, why didn’t you say that from day one?”
“Because this is a… recent development?” Jonghyun muttered, more of a question than an answer.
“God damn it Jong, I was on your side. I supported you all this time and apparently you were just being a fucking moron,” Kibum hissed, ruffling his hair with tense fingers.
“Hey,” Jonghyun whined, not appreciating the accusing tone. “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up next to your best friend and realize you just fucked up everything. You have no idea how scary that is. So don’t you dare lecture me on my actions and taking some damn time to sort my life out when everything went to shit.”
“What? You think Jinki wouldn’t have given you space if you asked for it? You think he wouldn’t have given you all the time you needed to sort your emotions out? Fuck. I know this whole thing is hyung’s fault and I supported your decision because you had every right to say no, but I thought you fucking meant it! You took a bad situation and made it worse for no reason! If you thought there was a chance between you two you should have said that! If you wanted to be with him why did you squash out any hope he had? Or did you really not think?”
“I don’t know! I just…”
“You just what? Only thought about yourself?”
“I just panicked. In the blink of an eye I lost my best friend; I destroyed him. I threatened our careers, practically split the group, Minho still won’t talk to me! What was I suppose to do? You have no idea what that feels like…” Jonghyun explained, the words burning his throat. He hadn’t done any of this to hurt Jinki. He had been scared and confused. He was still scared and confused.
Kibum sighed, softening, “So now you think you might be in love with him?”
“I… I don’t know."
“Well you are clearly more receptive to the idea of being with him,” Kibum mused.
“I guess… It’s just…”
“What now?”
“It’s just- he’s bonded.”
“Yes, I am aware,” Kibum responded dryly.
“No, you don’t understand. He wants me because his bond says that’s who he wants. It’s not because he wants me. It’s not like he fell in love with me, it’s just a fucked up chemical process in his brain. I don’t want to be in love with someone who only loves me out of obligation to a hormone imbalance,” Jonghyun explained, trying to put his deepest fear into words. To be honest, this was the one thing still holding him back from at least attempting things with Jinki. He knew Jinki would love him unconditionally but… it was like using a love potion or something. It wasn’t genuine. No matter how good the relationship, there would always be that thread of doubt tainting each and every thought.
“Did you ever think to talk to Jinki about it? Did you ever think maybe he could give you some insight on how the whole bonding thing works?” Kibum asked.
“How was I supposed to bring that up?” Jonghyun shot back with an eye roll.
“He’s bonded, not hypnotized you dumbass. He’s still Jinki. He is capable of rational thought. So why did you never ask him? Hmm?”
“I-”
“You’re a fucking coward.”
“Hey!”
“What? It’s true isn’t it? You weren’t sure if you wanted to be with him but you were too scared to find out. You tried to play the middle ground of telling him no but keeping him close at the same time. Maybe you didn’t do it intentionally but that’s still what happened and now we all have to deal with the consequences."
“I… it’s not like that. I wasn’t trying to fuck with him, I didn’t set out to hurt him like that. I was just trying to sort out my thoughts and emotions. Even if he changed overnight, I didn’t. I woke up that next day beside my best friend, not my mate. I still saw him as my hyung, my friend. It was a lot to deal with. I just needed to, to process everything and then I guess I… got used to it. It wasn’t so bad to think about him as more than a friend and… now I’m here.”
“Well what does that mean for you and Jinki then?”
“I guess it means… we have some things to discuss,” Jonghyun muttered.
Kibum’s lips quirked into a gentle smile, “Yeah, you do.”
“You aren’t mad at me are you? I know I’ve been making things difficult lately but…”
“Am I mad? Well yeah. You are kind of the biggest moron alive. You have created so much stress and tension, for everyone, ever since this fiasco happened but… all we can do is move forward, right? At the very least for the sake of the group, because we can't keep going like this. I just want the five of us to find our equilibrium again. Whatever that means now.”
“Thanks,” Jonghyun whispered, pulling Kibum into a hug.
“Yeah, yeah. So… you are going to settle down and be all happily bonded now, huh?” Kibum asked, an obvious attempt to lighten the air between them.
“Yeah... maybe. I guess I’m going to be all domesticated and stuff,” Jonghyun joked with a small laugh.
Kibum chuckled along with him, “Judging by how long those bruises lasted after last time... I don’t really think Jinki is much of the docile, domestic type.”
A blush crept up his neck because it was true. He had been covered in splotches of purple and green long after their time together. “Do you really think he will forgive me?”
“I know he will. Bonded or not, he’s still Jinki. He would give you the moon and stars if he could, and he would have done the same before all this nonsense too. He’s always had a soft spot for you. I think you were the only one who didn’t see it,” Kibum said with a smile.
“Thanks Bummie,” Jonghyun said, taking the younger boy’s hand and giving it a grateful squeeze. Jonghyun took a deep breath, steeling his shoulders and mustering up every ounce of courage he had. He needed to find Jinki.
~~
Jinki had pretty much come to terms with the current situation. They had gotten too cozy and that made Jonghyun uncomfortable. He could understand and respect that. Understanding however didn’t make it easier to handle. For once he was actually glad for the heavy load of schedules. Being the leader meant he held a high level of responsibility within the company and had a lot of behind the scenes work that had to be done. It was burdensome usually but he was grateful for the exhaustion now. If he worked his body to its breaking point he didn’t have time to think about his emotional state.
However, that day he had a rare afternoon free. While it was nice to have a day full of distractions, he couldn’t pretend like he wasn’t excited to spend hours at the dorm with Jonghyun. Even if the beta didn’t want to see him, just being in the same room, breathing in Jonghyun’s heavenly scent… the mere thought made him shudder.
What Jinki hadn’t prepared for was Jonghyun waiting for him. He walked in the door to see the beta pacing back and forth, tugging at his hair in frustration. Jinki froze, eyeing him in confusion and curiosity. Jonghyun spun on his foot, making a path back towards Jinki, his feet rooted to the floor when he noticed the elder’s presence.
“Hyung,” he breathed.
“Umm… hey,” Jinki replied, the air heavy and awkward around them.
“I- umm… you’re home early,” Jonghyun mumbled, digging the toe of his slipper into the fibers of the carpet.
“I guess? Jong are you feeling okay?” Jinki asked. He had become so accustomed to the cold shoulder that he wasn’t quite sure how to respond to Jonghyun’s almost sheepish attitude.
“Hyung, I’ve been thinking…” Jonghyun began before he made a frustrated groan and pulled at his roots once again.
“Jong just calm down. Whatever it is, I’m sure it isn’t such a big deal,” Jinki tried to soothe him. He had no idea what was wrong but he was desperate to fix it. Damn his stupid bond. It was his job, his responsibility as an alpha to take care of his mate. It felt like a knife to the chest to see his beta in any kind of pain. Even just seeing him stressed made Jinki ache.
“But it is!”
“Alright, alright. Let’s just sit, okay?” Jinki murmured.
“Okay. Sitting is good,” Jonghyun nodded, his hands shaky and his teeth were working his bottom lip. Jinki looked at him with concern. He wasn’t used to Jonghyun being so lacking in composure like this. It wasn’t normal. Whatever was bothering him had him really rattled and it was making Jinki nervous. Jinki dumped his bag and jacket on a chair, leading Jonghyun to the sofa.
They sat down, a bit closer that Jinki had recently become accustomed to, but he wasn’t one to complain. He nearly jumped out of his skin when Jonghyun grabbed his hand, interlacing their fingers without a second thought; grip tight as if to ground himself.
“Wha-”
“No. I need to- Let me-” Jonghyun kept stumbling over his words. He looked lost and desperate and Jinki just felt so… conflicted. Being this close, touching, even if innocent… it was nice, perfect. His heart was soaring already… but Jonghyun was upset and that was putting a damper on his mood.
Jinki took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves and will his bond to relax, “Jonghyun, whatever it is; it’s okay.”
“Jinki just- I’m- I’m ready,” Jonghyun finally said, his shoulders sagging in relief as the words slipped off his tongue.
“Ready for what? To start singing again? That’s great! Are you sure you are all better? What did the doctor say? You aren’t setting one foot on that stage unless the doctor says it’s safe,” Jinki babbled, relief easing his tense muscles. This was good news, why was Jonghyun being so serious about it?
“No, hyung. That’s not what I meant,” Jonghyun said, frustration seeping into his tone.
“Then what are we talking about?” Jinki asked.
“I mean- ugh why do you have to make this so difficult?” Jonghyun mumbled, more to himself but Jinki caught it, raising his eyebrow in question. “Fuck it,” the younger boy finally muttered, releasing Jinki’s hand only to grip the older boy’s shirt, pulling him forward and pressing their lips together.
Jinki gasped in shock. It was like he was doused in utter euphoria as his heart leapt in his chest, feeling alive and whole for the first time in ages. He felt like he had just slipped into a warm bath, his body sagging in relief as every bit of stress and pain evaporated. Jonghyun began to pull back but Jinki’s fingers tightened around his arm, keeping them close as he savored the feeling just a bit longer. Jonghyun made no protest, allowing Jinki his moment.
Jinki pulled back just far enough to meet Jonghyun's eyes, his face still frozen with shock. That was the first time they had kissed without Jonghyun being in heat, and that did something, changed something deep inside him.
“Hyung, I’m ready now. I’m ready to try,” Jonghyun said slowly, a gentle smile pulling at the corner of his lips. “I can’t promise to be your mate, I can’t promise I can or will accept the bond but… I’m ready to try. I’m not quite sure what that means but… I’m tired of running away everytime I get close to feeling something for you too.”
“You’re serious? Really? You can’t- You can’t fuck with me right now. You want this? You want to be with me?” Jinki whispered, his eyes watery and his voice shaking with every word. He felt so conflicted, still reeling from the kiss and now Jonghyun’s words, promising him everything he had dreamed of hearing.
“I want this,” Jonghyun replied, certainty evident in his voice.
Jinki felt like he was being flung from one emotional extreme to another. It was too much too fast. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. There were good tears, happiness and relief. But it also felt like his body was purging with bad tears too, the pain, the fear, the silent suffering he had held in for all this time. All these emotions overriding everything else, clogging up his throat and slipping past his tear ducts.
“Hyung! Oh my god why are you crying?”
Jinki just shook his head, unable to speak even if he wanted to. He threw his arms around Jonghyun’s waist, burying his face into the betas stomach and letting himself go, sobbing uncontrollably. It was almost comical, Jonghyun was the member known for his tears, always crying openly in front of their fans while Jinki always tried to remain composed. They were polar opposites, yin and yang. Now, Jinki was the one crying without reservation and Jonghyun the one trying his best to comfort and calm those emotions.
Jonghyun did his best, petting Jinki’s hair soothingly, humming a random tune or an occasional, “it’s okay” in his ear. Jinki didn’t know if it was Jonghyun’s words, the gentleness of his touch, or the overpowering calm of his scent, but whatever it was helped to calm his raging emotions.
“Sorry,” he mumbled when the tears finally slowed, “I don’t know what came over me. Just… shocked I guess.”
“These are good tears, right?” Jonghyun asked, his tone playful as he helped the elder sit up straight, wiping away the fresh tear-tracks from his supple cheeks.
Jinki chuckled, “Of course! I just feel so… light,” he whispered. Jinki looked up at him, his fingers ghosting over Jonghyun’s cheekbones, part of him still scared the slightest action would send the younger running.
Jonghyun pressed closer with a reassuring smile, “Hyung, I’m sorry. I know it’s been hard for you and-”
“Stop,” Jinki said, cutting him off, placing a finger against Jonghyun’s lips to further silence him, “None of that matters now.”
“But it does!” Jonghyun argued.
“You’re here now. That’s all that matters,” Jinki assured him, even after all that time, all that drama… the answer so simple.
“But…”
“Kim Jonghyun, will you go out with me?”
“Wh-”
“Being bonded doesn’t mean we need to skimp out on the whole process. I want you to want this as much as I do. I need you to. So please, go out with me? A real first date. Please?” Jinki asked. He wanted to do this right. Jonghyun promised to try and Jinki planned to do everything he could to make Jonghyun see him in a new light. Jonghyun was giving him a chance and he wasn’t about to take that for granted. Jinki wasn’t exactly experienced in dating or romance but… he would do everything in his power to bring his mate willingly into his arms.
Jonghyun smiled, soft and shy, “Sure, let’s go out on a real first date.”
“Thank you,” Jinki whispered, placing a gentle kiss to Jonghyun’s temple, trying to convey all the love and care he could muster in that one, innocent kiss.
Things were looking up. He could just tell, he could feel it in his bones. Regardless of what happened from here on out, Jonghyun would be there; Jonghyun would never let him sink so low again.
Next
~~
All together now.... YAY!
jongyu is on their way to happy times and kissy faces~
anyways
mi madre is visiting me (she gets in tomorrow~)
so I won't be able to write for the next 2 weeks or so
cuz... priorities
but we've got a few more chapters to go still
loose ends to be tied up
friendships to be mended
sex to be had
ya know... the usual
so see you all with a new chapter soon enough ^^
Word Count: 3660
Rating: PG-13 (overall NC-17)
Pairing/Focus: Jongyu
Genre: omega!verse
Warnings: Omega!verse, knotting
Summary: As soon as Jinki stepped off of the elevator he knew something was off. There was a tension, a faint whiff of something different, something foreign that laced the stagnant air with the most delicious aroma he had ever encountered. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but something was amiss. His senses were heightened, body reacting on its own accord, alpha pheromones immediately stirring, but for what he wasn’t quite sure.
lethallycute & MandeeGee betas<3
Prev
It had been 604,800 seconds. 10,080 minutes. 168 hours. Seven days. One full week. One week since he woke up with Jinki on that couch. One week since Taemin had screamed at him. One week since the idea that he might be kind of just a little bit in love with Jinki had been brought to his attention.
But that was crazy.
How could he just fall in love with someone he’d been friends with for years?
That doesn’t happen.
That wasn’t how life worked.
Sure, he had started looking at Jinki different since this whole bonding thing, and yeah, he definitely had some less than pure thoughts now that he knew what Jinki tasted like and all… but that didn’t mean love. That was just… lust? A byproduct of the whole ‘fucking during heat’ idea. Right?
He wanted to convince himself that this confusion about Jinki was just a result of his newfound guilt, but he knew that wasn’t true. These disconcerted feelings had manifested long before that discussion with Jinki. His latent guilt might have been a bit of a catalyst for making them surface, but he couldn’t pretend like they hadn’t existed. No matter how much he wanted to.
He had thought that some time away from the members (away from Jinki if he was being honest) would help him sort through his feelings, but it was getting him nowhere. All he felt was lonely and muddled and… it hurt. He couldn’t quite vocalize what “it” was, all he knew was that it hurt in the most fundamental of ways and he wanted it to stop. A stiff ball of emotions sat in the center of his chest, choking out his breath and making his heartache.
What made it worse was the he was lying to himself; he knew exactly what “it” was. He knew what it was because it was so noticeably absent when he was with Jinki… and now without the elder’s presence it was so obvious. That ball of stress dissipated when Jinki was near, his soft smiles and gentle fingers made Jonghyun’s insides turn to goo. He couldn’t focus on anything besides Jinki when they were together, and now when he was alone... there was a Jinki-sized hole in his heart that wanted to be filled. But was that love?
This was all so frustrating. He had resolved to deal with his emotions like a mature adult and that's what he needed to do. He knew he wasn’t being fair to Jinki right now, but all he wanted to do was hide away in his room until his next heat. At least when he was in heat it was acceptable, expected even, for him to act like this.
Why did things have to get so complicated?
~~
Jinki sighed, not even trying to fake a smile anymore as he checked the clock for the umpteenth time. He was on a schedule so he should be focusing, playing the part of a good little idol with no personal life but… he just couldn’t today. The manager would bitch him out if anyone noticed but he was going to risk it.
His previous chipper mood had been short-lived. They had all been busy lately so it was natural that he wouldn’t be able to spend much time at home but… it was more than that. Jonghyun was avoiding him. He could feel it not only in the tangible air between them, but the walls Jonghyun was constructing around himself.
He supposed he shouldn’t take it personal since Jonghyun appeared to be avoiding everyone. That knowledge didn’t make it sting any less though. They had been doing so much better since Jonghyun’s last heat and now the beta was pulling away again. He should have expected it, but his bond was apparently a never-ending well of hope. He just had to be patient. That was all. Sure, it hurt now but… in a few months Jonghyun would go through his heat again and Jinki would get to feel that connection again. He just needed to wait. He just needed to ignore Minho’s looks of pity and count the days until he could hold his mate again.
He had survived this long, what was a few more months?
~~
Jonghyun’s time of self-induced seclusion came to an end with Kibum finally cornered him in the kitchen, “What’s going on with you?” he demanded, not bothering to beat around the bush.
Jonghyun knew the younger had a schedule soon, but he had that determined look on his face that meant this wasn’t going to be pushed off to a later time. When Kibum made up his mind about something he was a force to be reckoned with.
“Nothing, I’m fine,” Jonghyun replied, but he knew it was fruitless to even try.
“Bullshit.”
“Kibum, I don’t really want to talk about this, okay?” Jonghyun huffed.
“Not okay. You’ve been avoiding all of us and it needs to stop,” Kibum snapped.
“Look I just need to… think,” Jonghyun tried to explain.
“About what? We’ve been friends for a long time, I know you. Just say it so you can stop this.”
“It’s about Jinki,” Jonghyun whispered.
Kibum just looked at him with a blank face, “Shocker.”
“Stop it,” Jonghyun sighed.
“What? You fucked Jinki again, you guys were all buddy, buddy for a hot minute and then... what?” Kibum pressed.
“Then… I realized… Taemin said something and I...” Jonghyun didn’t know how to express his thoughts because he still had no clue how he felt. He felt like he was going around in circles in his own mind.
“What?”
“Do you think I’m in love with Jinki?” Jonghyun finally blurted out, the words tasting foreign on his lips. He had rolled the thought around in his head so many times, but this was the first time he had vocalized his worries.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Kibum hissed.
“Is that a no?” Jonghyun flinched, voice turning meek at Kibum’s tone.
“You’ve been pushing him away for months, making him feel like shit, turning our group upside down and now you think you might be in love with him? What in the actual fuck is wrong with you? If you thought there was a chance you could reciprocate, why didn’t you say that from day one?”
“Because this is a… recent development?” Jonghyun muttered, more of a question than an answer.
“God damn it Jong, I was on your side. I supported you all this time and apparently you were just being a fucking moron,” Kibum hissed, ruffling his hair with tense fingers.
“Hey,” Jonghyun whined, not appreciating the accusing tone. “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up next to your best friend and realize you just fucked up everything. You have no idea how scary that is. So don’t you dare lecture me on my actions and taking some damn time to sort my life out when everything went to shit.”
“What? You think Jinki wouldn’t have given you space if you asked for it? You think he wouldn’t have given you all the time you needed to sort your emotions out? Fuck. I know this whole thing is hyung’s fault and I supported your decision because you had every right to say no, but I thought you fucking meant it! You took a bad situation and made it worse for no reason! If you thought there was a chance between you two you should have said that! If you wanted to be with him why did you squash out any hope he had? Or did you really not think?”
“I don’t know! I just…”
“You just what? Only thought about yourself?”
“I just panicked. In the blink of an eye I lost my best friend; I destroyed him. I threatened our careers, practically split the group, Minho still won’t talk to me! What was I suppose to do? You have no idea what that feels like…” Jonghyun explained, the words burning his throat. He hadn’t done any of this to hurt Jinki. He had been scared and confused. He was still scared and confused.
Kibum sighed, softening, “So now you think you might be in love with him?”
“I… I don’t know."
“Well you are clearly more receptive to the idea of being with him,” Kibum mused.
“I guess… It’s just…”
“What now?”
“It’s just- he’s bonded.”
“Yes, I am aware,” Kibum responded dryly.
“No, you don’t understand. He wants me because his bond says that’s who he wants. It’s not because he wants me. It’s not like he fell in love with me, it’s just a fucked up chemical process in his brain. I don’t want to be in love with someone who only loves me out of obligation to a hormone imbalance,” Jonghyun explained, trying to put his deepest fear into words. To be honest, this was the one thing still holding him back from at least attempting things with Jinki. He knew Jinki would love him unconditionally but… it was like using a love potion or something. It wasn’t genuine. No matter how good the relationship, there would always be that thread of doubt tainting each and every thought.
“Did you ever think to talk to Jinki about it? Did you ever think maybe he could give you some insight on how the whole bonding thing works?” Kibum asked.
“How was I supposed to bring that up?” Jonghyun shot back with an eye roll.
“He’s bonded, not hypnotized you dumbass. He’s still Jinki. He is capable of rational thought. So why did you never ask him? Hmm?”
“I-”
“You’re a fucking coward.”
“Hey!”
“What? It’s true isn’t it? You weren’t sure if you wanted to be with him but you were too scared to find out. You tried to play the middle ground of telling him no but keeping him close at the same time. Maybe you didn’t do it intentionally but that’s still what happened and now we all have to deal with the consequences."
“I… it’s not like that. I wasn’t trying to fuck with him, I didn’t set out to hurt him like that. I was just trying to sort out my thoughts and emotions. Even if he changed overnight, I didn’t. I woke up that next day beside my best friend, not my mate. I still saw him as my hyung, my friend. It was a lot to deal with. I just needed to, to process everything and then I guess I… got used to it. It wasn’t so bad to think about him as more than a friend and… now I’m here.”
“Well what does that mean for you and Jinki then?”
“I guess it means… we have some things to discuss,” Jonghyun muttered.
Kibum’s lips quirked into a gentle smile, “Yeah, you do.”
“You aren’t mad at me are you? I know I’ve been making things difficult lately but…”
“Am I mad? Well yeah. You are kind of the biggest moron alive. You have created so much stress and tension, for everyone, ever since this fiasco happened but… all we can do is move forward, right? At the very least for the sake of the group, because we can't keep going like this. I just want the five of us to find our equilibrium again. Whatever that means now.”
“Thanks,” Jonghyun whispered, pulling Kibum into a hug.
“Yeah, yeah. So… you are going to settle down and be all happily bonded now, huh?” Kibum asked, an obvious attempt to lighten the air between them.
“Yeah... maybe. I guess I’m going to be all domesticated and stuff,” Jonghyun joked with a small laugh.
Kibum chuckled along with him, “Judging by how long those bruises lasted after last time... I don’t really think Jinki is much of the docile, domestic type.”
A blush crept up his neck because it was true. He had been covered in splotches of purple and green long after their time together. “Do you really think he will forgive me?”
“I know he will. Bonded or not, he’s still Jinki. He would give you the moon and stars if he could, and he would have done the same before all this nonsense too. He’s always had a soft spot for you. I think you were the only one who didn’t see it,” Kibum said with a smile.
“Thanks Bummie,” Jonghyun said, taking the younger boy’s hand and giving it a grateful squeeze. Jonghyun took a deep breath, steeling his shoulders and mustering up every ounce of courage he had. He needed to find Jinki.
~~
Jinki had pretty much come to terms with the current situation. They had gotten too cozy and that made Jonghyun uncomfortable. He could understand and respect that. Understanding however didn’t make it easier to handle. For once he was actually glad for the heavy load of schedules. Being the leader meant he held a high level of responsibility within the company and had a lot of behind the scenes work that had to be done. It was burdensome usually but he was grateful for the exhaustion now. If he worked his body to its breaking point he didn’t have time to think about his emotional state.
However, that day he had a rare afternoon free. While it was nice to have a day full of distractions, he couldn’t pretend like he wasn’t excited to spend hours at the dorm with Jonghyun. Even if the beta didn’t want to see him, just being in the same room, breathing in Jonghyun’s heavenly scent… the mere thought made him shudder.
What Jinki hadn’t prepared for was Jonghyun waiting for him. He walked in the door to see the beta pacing back and forth, tugging at his hair in frustration. Jinki froze, eyeing him in confusion and curiosity. Jonghyun spun on his foot, making a path back towards Jinki, his feet rooted to the floor when he noticed the elder’s presence.
“Hyung,” he breathed.
“Umm… hey,” Jinki replied, the air heavy and awkward around them.
“I- umm… you’re home early,” Jonghyun mumbled, digging the toe of his slipper into the fibers of the carpet.
“I guess? Jong are you feeling okay?” Jinki asked. He had become so accustomed to the cold shoulder that he wasn’t quite sure how to respond to Jonghyun’s almost sheepish attitude.
“Hyung, I’ve been thinking…” Jonghyun began before he made a frustrated groan and pulled at his roots once again.
“Jong just calm down. Whatever it is, I’m sure it isn’t such a big deal,” Jinki tried to soothe him. He had no idea what was wrong but he was desperate to fix it. Damn his stupid bond. It was his job, his responsibility as an alpha to take care of his mate. It felt like a knife to the chest to see his beta in any kind of pain. Even just seeing him stressed made Jinki ache.
“But it is!”
“Alright, alright. Let’s just sit, okay?” Jinki murmured.
“Okay. Sitting is good,” Jonghyun nodded, his hands shaky and his teeth were working his bottom lip. Jinki looked at him with concern. He wasn’t used to Jonghyun being so lacking in composure like this. It wasn’t normal. Whatever was bothering him had him really rattled and it was making Jinki nervous. Jinki dumped his bag and jacket on a chair, leading Jonghyun to the sofa.
They sat down, a bit closer that Jinki had recently become accustomed to, but he wasn’t one to complain. He nearly jumped out of his skin when Jonghyun grabbed his hand, interlacing their fingers without a second thought; grip tight as if to ground himself.
“Wha-”
“No. I need to- Let me-” Jonghyun kept stumbling over his words. He looked lost and desperate and Jinki just felt so… conflicted. Being this close, touching, even if innocent… it was nice, perfect. His heart was soaring already… but Jonghyun was upset and that was putting a damper on his mood.
Jinki took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves and will his bond to relax, “Jonghyun, whatever it is; it’s okay.”
“Jinki just- I’m- I’m ready,” Jonghyun finally said, his shoulders sagging in relief as the words slipped off his tongue.
“Ready for what? To start singing again? That’s great! Are you sure you are all better? What did the doctor say? You aren’t setting one foot on that stage unless the doctor says it’s safe,” Jinki babbled, relief easing his tense muscles. This was good news, why was Jonghyun being so serious about it?
“No, hyung. That’s not what I meant,” Jonghyun said, frustration seeping into his tone.
“Then what are we talking about?” Jinki asked.
“I mean- ugh why do you have to make this so difficult?” Jonghyun mumbled, more to himself but Jinki caught it, raising his eyebrow in question. “Fuck it,” the younger boy finally muttered, releasing Jinki’s hand only to grip the older boy’s shirt, pulling him forward and pressing their lips together.
Jinki gasped in shock. It was like he was doused in utter euphoria as his heart leapt in his chest, feeling alive and whole for the first time in ages. He felt like he had just slipped into a warm bath, his body sagging in relief as every bit of stress and pain evaporated. Jonghyun began to pull back but Jinki’s fingers tightened around his arm, keeping them close as he savored the feeling just a bit longer. Jonghyun made no protest, allowing Jinki his moment.
Jinki pulled back just far enough to meet Jonghyun's eyes, his face still frozen with shock. That was the first time they had kissed without Jonghyun being in heat, and that did something, changed something deep inside him.
“Hyung, I’m ready now. I’m ready to try,” Jonghyun said slowly, a gentle smile pulling at the corner of his lips. “I can’t promise to be your mate, I can’t promise I can or will accept the bond but… I’m ready to try. I’m not quite sure what that means but… I’m tired of running away everytime I get close to feeling something for you too.”
“You’re serious? Really? You can’t- You can’t fuck with me right now. You want this? You want to be with me?” Jinki whispered, his eyes watery and his voice shaking with every word. He felt so conflicted, still reeling from the kiss and now Jonghyun’s words, promising him everything he had dreamed of hearing.
“I want this,” Jonghyun replied, certainty evident in his voice.
Jinki felt like he was being flung from one emotional extreme to another. It was too much too fast. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. There were good tears, happiness and relief. But it also felt like his body was purging with bad tears too, the pain, the fear, the silent suffering he had held in for all this time. All these emotions overriding everything else, clogging up his throat and slipping past his tear ducts.
“Hyung! Oh my god why are you crying?”
Jinki just shook his head, unable to speak even if he wanted to. He threw his arms around Jonghyun’s waist, burying his face into the betas stomach and letting himself go, sobbing uncontrollably. It was almost comical, Jonghyun was the member known for his tears, always crying openly in front of their fans while Jinki always tried to remain composed. They were polar opposites, yin and yang. Now, Jinki was the one crying without reservation and Jonghyun the one trying his best to comfort and calm those emotions.
Jonghyun did his best, petting Jinki’s hair soothingly, humming a random tune or an occasional, “it’s okay” in his ear. Jinki didn’t know if it was Jonghyun’s words, the gentleness of his touch, or the overpowering calm of his scent, but whatever it was helped to calm his raging emotions.
“Sorry,” he mumbled when the tears finally slowed, “I don’t know what came over me. Just… shocked I guess.”
“These are good tears, right?” Jonghyun asked, his tone playful as he helped the elder sit up straight, wiping away the fresh tear-tracks from his supple cheeks.
Jinki chuckled, “Of course! I just feel so… light,” he whispered. Jinki looked up at him, his fingers ghosting over Jonghyun’s cheekbones, part of him still scared the slightest action would send the younger running.
Jonghyun pressed closer with a reassuring smile, “Hyung, I’m sorry. I know it’s been hard for you and-”
“Stop,” Jinki said, cutting him off, placing a finger against Jonghyun’s lips to further silence him, “None of that matters now.”
“But it does!” Jonghyun argued.
“You’re here now. That’s all that matters,” Jinki assured him, even after all that time, all that drama… the answer so simple.
“But…”
“Kim Jonghyun, will you go out with me?”
“Wh-”
“Being bonded doesn’t mean we need to skimp out on the whole process. I want you to want this as much as I do. I need you to. So please, go out with me? A real first date. Please?” Jinki asked. He wanted to do this right. Jonghyun promised to try and Jinki planned to do everything he could to make Jonghyun see him in a new light. Jonghyun was giving him a chance and he wasn’t about to take that for granted. Jinki wasn’t exactly experienced in dating or romance but… he would do everything in his power to bring his mate willingly into his arms.
Jonghyun smiled, soft and shy, “Sure, let’s go out on a real first date.”
“Thank you,” Jinki whispered, placing a gentle kiss to Jonghyun’s temple, trying to convey all the love and care he could muster in that one, innocent kiss.
Things were looking up. He could just tell, he could feel it in his bones. Regardless of what happened from here on out, Jonghyun would be there; Jonghyun would never let him sink so low again.
Next
~~
All together now.... YAY!
jongyu is on their way to happy times and kissy faces~
anyways
mi madre is visiting me (she gets in tomorrow~)
so I won't be able to write for the next 2 weeks or so
cuz... priorities
but we've got a few more chapters to go still
loose ends to be tied up
friendships to be mended
sex to be had
ya know... the usual
so see you all with a new chapter soon enough ^^