Round 12: All Over Again (Part 1/2)
Title: All Over Again
Team: AU
Rating: R
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Sungmin
Summary: Sungmin has lived many lives, has lived in almost all lifetimes, has been reborn, has died and it’s a never ending cycle the way his life works and he doesn’t know why it occurs or why he even remembers his past lives. But despite all the differences in his life, there is always that one thing constant - Cho Kyuhyun.
Author's Note: I'd just like to thank everyone who bothered to read my fic and my team members who helped me with the beta-ing and gave me beautiful suggestions. Thanks guys! You're the best really :>
Prompt Used: Urban Zakapa - All The Same
Sungmin relishes in the feeling of the cold. He keeps his eyes closed, pressing his forehead against the large window of his condo unit. He opens his eyes slowly, admiring the darkness of Seoul illuminated with the lights of the city. It calms his heart, clears his mind and lightens the burden he’s carrying on his shoulders, if only a little. A tear rolls down his cheek and he hurriedly wipes it away. This is the feeling he hates the most. He hates this feeling, despite how many lives he’s lived, how many times he’s felt this, he can never get used to the ache his heart goes through when he thinks about Kyuhyun.
Sungmin forces himself to sit down on his plush couch, forces his mind to calm down, and forces his heart to be alright. He tells himself that he will be fine. He looks out again at the night view and a tired smile adorns his face, memories are running through his head, some from this lifetime but most from other lifetimes, different periods and eras and he forces his eyes open trying not to blink because the images are vivid and haunting.
The memories are the same but it is at this moment, at this particular point in his life the memories he tries not to remember resurfaces as if to remind him of all the failed attempts at perfection, rubbing it in his face that in all his years, he will never achieve his happy ending, he will never have his perfect story.
Sungmin finally succumbs to the feeling of closing his eyes. A headache is beginning to make itself evident in his mind and closing his eyes makes the throbbing lessen. He sees the images of his memories passing one by one as if in a slideshow and he fights the urge to laugh because it really is mocking him.
Sungmin cries himself to sleep that night, just like how he cries himself to sleep every night it happens in his past lives. He lets himself wonder if Kyuhyun ever feels like this, ever feels this broken, as if he’s beyond repair and not even the love they have for each other can fix him because it was never enough, love had never been enough.
&&
Their story is like a cycle, a never ending circle of infinity. It only has a few steps, a few processes to follow before it goes back to the start. It’s a tiring cycle, it’s a very boring cycle but the steps and processes happen anyway, happens without Sungmin’s permission, taking his happiness with it, slowly, bit by bit.
1. Kyuhyun falls in love with Sungmin. Sungmin falls in love with Kyuhyun.
Japan; 1600s;
The cherry blossom trees are in full bloom, gracing the streets with its beautiful petals. It’s a beautiful scene, Sungmin notes. He takes his arm out opening his palm and tries to catch the falling petals. This is his favorite part of spring. The way the cherry blossoms dance with the wind and play with the people simply takes his breath away, there is nothing more beautiful than this. He tries to capture the scene in his memory, hoping to find the best words to describe the beautiful scene. He thinks this is the perfect moment to fall in love.
“Sungmin-sama, your father is calling for you.” The servant says through the shoji and the smile Sungmin wears disappears from his face. A small sigh escapes his lips as he stands up and slides close the shoji that has a beautiful view of their cherry blossom garden and opens the shoji where the servant is now bowing him in greeting. The servant stands up and leads Sungmin to the room where his father is waiting for him.
The servant announces that Sungmin has arrived and leaves the vicinity as Sungmin opens the door. Sungmin doesn’t have to think too hard to know what his father wants to discuss. It’s the only thing his father ever wants to talk to him about. He bows in greeting at his father as his father motions for him to sit in front of him, Sungmin obeys.
As soon as his father starts speaking, Sungmin starts to turn half of his attention away from the topic. He half hears his father saying, “There is this woman whom I think is a perfect match for you…” and nods in acknowledgment but his attention is already far from the conversation. He’s looking intently at his father, nodding appropriately when needed but he’s describing cherry blossoms and spring in his mind, using adjectives most people wouldn’t even think of using to describe cherry blossoms and spring.
It’s not that Sungmin doesn’t want to get married. He knows as son of a shogun that it’s his duty to marry and present an heir to their clan. It’s his duty to find a suitable wife. But he doesn’t want to marry someone he does not love. He’s a writer at heart and this just makes him susceptible to such thoughts. He’s dreamed of falling in love for as long as he can remember and spring almost always gives him this yearning.
Sungmin resists the urge to sigh because his father is still speaking and discussing about future marriage arrangements, he can’t say anything because he knows it’s futile. He continues to just nod in agreement at everything his father says knowing in his heart he will probably never fall in love. Most sons of shoguns all end up in this situation, being forced to marry and never falling in love with the person that was chosen for them. He desperately clings on to the hope that maybe he is part of the group who actually falls for their fiancée but he knows that’s a far cry from reality. He mentally shakes his head at the thought; he’s been reading too many romance novels. He hopes that whoever this woman was, she was at least tolerable.
His father finally stops talking, satisfied with the decision they’ve made. Sungmin had agreed to meet the woman first before they started talking about engagements and marriages. His father had complied after Sungmin raised the idea that if they did not meet her first and got to know at least a little of her character then she could bring shame to the family. It was the best excuse Sungmin could come up with to avoid his marriage. It always worked. Even though it was embarrassing to be his age and still be unmarried, he would just have to face the consequences.
“Father, would it be alright if I went out for a bit?” Sungmin asks before exiting the room.
His father frowns, “You know it’s dangerous for us to be out at a time like this.”
“I will take some guards with me and I won’t go too far. I just need to clear my mind and holing myself up in my study is suffocating me.” Sungmin explains, trying his best to convince his father even though he knows he’s risking his life in a way. There have been rumors, rumors that may have started out just to scare them but cannot be taken lightly, going around but he wasn’t going to let that stop him from going out and admiring the beauty of spring and letting himself bask in the feeling of spring. Really though, this urge he had to go out was unsettling, he didn’t know where it was coming from or why it was such a strong urge.
His father sighs after thinking about what his son had said. Seeing the look of determination on his son’s features, he really has no choice but to let his son be.
“You may go.”
Sungmin smiles widely and thanks his father with a bow. He steps out of the room and heads for the gates where his guards are waiting for him already. He smiles at them as they proceed to leave the area.
Sungmin doesn’t walk too far from their property, has never had to walk too far because they lived relatively close to a forest filled with cherry blossom trees. He is forever grateful for this. He sends his guards at least 2 meters away so he can feel as though he’s alone in this field decorated with cherry blossom petals.
There is a soft humming in the background and Sungmin thinks it’s his mind that’s conjuring such sounds but he finds the voice soulful and real and closer as he takes unknowing steps towards the melody. In a moment of doubt and realization that he might be delusional he turns to his guards, “Do you hear that?”
“We do, Sungmin-sama. Would you like us to check the surroundings for you?” A guard replies and Sungmin sighs in relief at the thought that he’s not totally losing his mind. He waves his hand to dismiss the offer before taking tentative steps, approaching the beautiful tune. He tries to calm himself down because this could be a bad idea but he has his guards, he reminds himself, and this isn’t like any of those rumors.
A smile is thrown in Sungmin’s direction as a man with dark brown hair looks his way. Sungmin assumes he had just made himself visible to the other which is why the stranger is looking at him. The smile is bright and Sungmin wonders just who smiles at people they have never met. Sungmin notes; however, that the stranger’s smile is even more beautiful than spring or cherry blossoms.
It takes Sungmin a moment to notice that the man is no longer humming. The stranger is still smiling at him sitting on the grass as the cherry blossoms decorate his surroundings. Everything is taking Sungmin’s breath away.
“I’m Kyuhyun.” The man says smiling and Sungmin is shocked because all of a sudden he’s standing in front of Kyuhyun and he doesn’t even remember walking. He stops thinking about it long enough to take Kyuhyun’s offered hand and returns his smile with an awkward one because the situation is still confusing him.
“Sungmin.” Sungmin replies eventually letting his hand leave the warmth of Kyuhyun’s. The cold air that blows on his once warmed hand makes Sungmin shudder and he wonders just how warm Kyuhyun’s hands were.
“It’s nice to meet you.” Kyuhyun says as he motions for Sungmin to take a seat beside him. Sungmin thinks of it as odd but finds himself obliging and he wonders where this comfortable feeling is coming from because this is supposed to be awkward.
“The cherry blossoms are really beautiful this particular spring. It makes me want to write a song.” Kyuhyun chuckles and Sungmin thinks he’s right.
“I can’t write songs.” Sungmin admits as he bites his lips and Kyuhyun chuckles again at his confession.
“I can teach you if you’d like. I think it’s fairly easy.” Kyuhyun smiles down at him and Sungmin can’t help but smile as well, all the feelings of discomfort, awkwardness and confusion gone to be replaced by this sudden ease, then again there was only ease to begin with.
“That would be nice.” Sungmin replies thoughtlessly and as he absorbs his own words, he knows that writing a song would just be perfect for the moment.
“I’m a writer so I think writing songs wouldn’t be as hard as I assume.” Sungmin adds. Kyuhyun looks at him and nods.
“You write for a living?”
“No, not really. Writing is my past time, but I don’t work so I might as well say I’m a writer.” Sungmin shyly admits and it’s not something he’s proud of but he’d rather say he was a writer than a shogun’s son. He didn’t want the possibility of making a good friend disappear just because of social statuses.
Kyuhyun just nods knowingly, “Then I guess we’re the same then. I don’t really do anything and I sing as a pastime.” Sungmin watches Kyuhyun speak and notices this shine in his eyes the slight break in his voice as he speaks and Sungmin wonders if Kyuhyun is alright. Kyuhyun smiles at him again and the glint is gone and it feels as though it was never there.
“Do you sing, Sungmin-san?” Kyuhyun changes the topic and Sungmin wonders if it’s on purpose or Kyuhyun is genuinely curious.
Sungmin nods as he thinks about the question. He’s not a bad singer but he wasn’t all that great either.
“Would you like to sing with me? This is a perfect time to sing and singing with another person at this time of day is one of the best feelings in the world.” There is something in the way Kyuhyun smiles with his teeth showing that Sungmin can’t help but laughingly accept the request.
Kyuhyun teaches him the song, singing it once and then going over the lyrics with Sungmin. It doesn’t take long for Sungmin to be able to sing along with Kyuhyun and Sungmin feels like he’s floating on air. It’s amazing, the song is beautiful, Kyuhyun’s voice is enticing, the spring setting is warm and Sungmin’s companion makes it all worthwhile.
Sungmin laughs as they end the song and Kyuhyun joins in his laughter. He’s never felt like this before and he wonders if Kyuhyun feels the same.
Sungmin’s laughter dies down and so does Kyuhyun’s and they’re both smiling at each other now. “I have to go.”
Sungmin sighs at the statement. He knew this could never last long. He looks at the surroundings and finds his guards watching them and looks at the darkening sky knowing he too has to leave.
“It was nice meeting you, Kyuhyun-san.” Sungmin smiles and Kyuhyun nods, moving forward to leave.
“We should meet again soon.” Kyuhyun says before leaving, turning to look at Sungmin who’s about to stand. Sungmin smiles at Kyuhyun and replies, “Yes, we should.”
The sentence itself is full of promises and requires deciphering but they both know the meaning of the answer. It’s unusual because they had just met and yet it feels like they understand each other so well. Kyuhyun grins at Sungmin one last time, all teeth and innocent like and Sungmin laughs at the image as Kyuhyun turns his back on Sungmin and disappears into the woods. Sungmin smiles as he watches the back disappear from view and he feels the excitement bubble in his stomach as he realizes that tomorrow is another day to see Kyuhyun.
||
A friend is the last thing Sungmin expects to make and yet he seems to have made one out of Kyuhyun.
He's sitting on the grass writing as Kyuhyun approaches. Kyuhyun doesn't greet Sungmin but he knows Sungmin has sensed his presence. Sungmin is thankful for the peace. When Sungmin is finished writing, he smiles in Kyuhyun's direction.
"What were you writing about?" Kyuhyun asks as he sits closer to Sungmin. Sungmin just shakes his head and smiles. He doesn't want to tell Kyuhyun he was writing about them. Kyuhyun doesn't press any further as he laughs at Sungmin's reluctance to tell him. The gesture makes Sungmin wonder if Kyuhyun knows what he was writing about.
"Would it be alright if I considered you to be my friend?" Kyuhyun begins, a bit shyly, after the moment of silence, not looking into Sungmin's eyes. Sungmin chuckles at the way Kyuhyun asks but it doesn't stop him from replying, "Of course!"
And that’s how they happen.
The weeks pass and Sungmin gets to know Kyuhyun better. He takes in the details of Kyuhyun's life, committing the important ones to memory. He realizes there isn't much difference between him and Kyuhyun. They don't work because they're sons of shoguns, their dreams are pointless and yet they continue to dream, and they're both expected to bear their clans an heir. Kyuhyun jokes that his family has given up on him finding a wife. Sungmin senses there is more to this statement than it's made out to be but the idea doesn't stay long in his mind.
"That's impossible! Our families would go searching the ends of the world if they had to." Sungmin jokes and Kyuhyun has the decency to at least half-heartedly laugh and Sungmin frowns at that. He thought it was funny. He frowns even further when Kyuhyun gazes into the distance and he isn't smiling anymore. Sungmin bites his lower lip; it must've been something he said.
"If I offended you, I apologize." Sungmin says sincerely. Kyuhyun shakes his head and smiles solemnly as he continues to train his eyes on the beautiful field.
“Do you think I’ll ever fall in love, Sungmin-san?” Kyuhyun’s tone is making Sungmin worry. Sungmin thinks that Kyuhyun must also think that falling in love with the chosen woman for them is impossible. Sungmin quickly gathers his thoughts to comfort his friend without having to lie to him because Sungmin is a firm believer that one does not just fall in love with their future wives with time.
“Yes, you will. It will take some time but I’m certain that with time, you will fall for your wife.” Sungmin cringes inwardly at the lie. He ran out of options and he hopes Kyuhyun will believe his words. He’s surprised out of his thoughts when Kyuhyun chuckles. Kyuhyun is looking at him with soft kind eyes and it brings a warm feeling to Sungmin.
“Believe me when I say, my family will never find a woman for me.” Kyuhyun says as he looks into Sungmin’s eyes and Sungmin can’t help but choke on air because there is something about the way Kyuhyun is looking at him. Kyuhyun caresses Sungmin’s cheek and Sungmin is too stunned to react. Kyuhyun is smiling at him and the soft brown eyes have a tinge of sadness in them and he realizes what Kyuhyun’s just said.
“What do you mean they’ll never find a woman? My parents managed to find me one, I’m sure you’ll find yours.” Sungmin says and he doesn’t even know why they’re discussing about arranged marriages because it’s not exactly love.
“The women aren’t the problem, I am.” Kyuhyun takes his hand slowly away from Sungmin’s cheek and Sungmin resists the urge to pull the hand back because it felt good to feel on his own skin. Kyuhyun gives him a wry smile and before Sungmin can demand Kyuhyun to explain the situation, Kyuhyun is leaving and bidding him goodbye.
Despite the times they spend together, Sungmin realizes that he is not remotely close to knowing just who Kyuhyun is. He knows Kyuhyun is hiding something from him but he can’t say for sure what it is and it worries him. He would like to believe that he’s the person Kyuhyun can confide in but it seems like he isn’t even in the position to know Kyuhyun’s problems.
Sungmin goes home to thoughts of Kyuhyun and their friendship and just how much Kyuhyun has affected him over their past encounters in the span of only a few weeks. He comes home to news that the family of the woman his father has chosen is finally making their way to visit their household and Sungmin can’t help but want to see Kyuhyun and seek comfort from him. He wonders if it’s alright to seek Kyuhyun’s warmth because he finds the feeling comfortable and he touches the cheek Kyuhyun caressed. It manages to calm his nerves because it’s dawning on him that he can’t escape this marriage anymore.
||
Kyuhyun listens to Sungmin as he pours his fears out to the younger. Sungmin knows Kyuhyun is listening because Kyuhyun nods every once in a while but he does not interrupt Sungmin, not even once. When Sungmin is finished with his tirade, Kyuhyun smiles at him, holds his hand and squeezes it. It’s a light gesture but it calms him down, calms him enough to realize that the world is still beautiful, that even if he gets married, it’s not the end of the world and Sungmin is surprised at how calming Kyuhyun is to him.
“Thank you.” Sungmin says smiling at Kyuhyun now who’s letting his hand go and he feels the urge to hold on but he knows it wouldn’t be appropriate.
“It was my pleasure.”
A comfortable silence lingers between the two of them as if to help Sungmin calm his mind. “When are you meeting her?”
“Tomorrow.”
Sungmin knows that Kyuhyun senses the dreading feeling he emits, Kyuhyun offers him a sympathetic smile. “At least you get the opportunity to fall in love, don’t you think so?”
Sungmin shakes his head, he might as well tell Kyuhyun what he thinks about arranged marriages. “I don’t believe in that. I don’t believe you can just fall in love with the person you’re arranged to be married to. I think you can tolerate them, you can be fond of them but it requires something else to be able to fall in love with them.”
Sungmin wants to say sorry because he mislead Kyuhyun that one time, but before he can even think about saying anything, there is something soft on his lips and he sees Kyuhyun’s face up close and he realizes he’s being kissed. Sungmin has never kissed before and he doesn’t know what to do. He ends up too shocked to move, too stunned at how soft Kyuhyun’s lips are, too surprised at the feeling of the kiss and too astonished at how right this feels.
“I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun whispers into his lips and his breath is warm on Sungmin’s face and Sungmin swears his heart rate is too fast for a normal person. It takes a moment for him to realize that Kyuhyun has just kissed him and has just apologized.
“I shouldn’t have done that.” Kyuhyun continues manoeuvring to walk away. Before he can walk any further, Sungmin has grabbed his wrist in an attempt to make him stay. There is this warmth again Sungmin has been feeling whenever he’s with Kyuhyun, it’s enveloping his entire being and making his heart beat erratically. He can’t think straight and really the only thought in his mind is to kiss Kyuhyun again because the feeling of Kyuhyun’s lips on his was just magical. He let’s all inhibitions go and pulls Kyuhyun to him, capturing Kyuhyun’s lips in an experimental kiss.
Sungmin is kissing Kyuhyun the way he reads people kiss in books. He doesn’t even know if he’s doing it correctly but the way Kyuhyun is holding him and kissing him back with as much fervour keeps him going.
"I love you." Kyuhyun whispers on his lips and Sungmin almost misses it in his dazed state but he hears it and feels it and everything seems to unfold itself to him, clearing the skies and his world around him.
Kyuhyun’s holding him by the waist and as he looks into Kyuhyun's eyes he knows he loves Kyuhyun as well.
"I love you." He whispers back.
London; 1800s;
"Master Vincent, the doctor is here." Sungmin smiles at his butler as he acknowledges his message. The butler leaves to assist the doctor inside.
Sungmin waits for the doctor as he stares out his wide window admiring the dark clouds as they signal that rain would be falling soon. A bitter smile adorns his young face as a memory -or hallucination-crosses his mind. It was of someone playing around in the rain with a man whose pale skin could outmatch the clear white clouds.
Somehow the image makes his heart ache for some reason.
"Vincent, how are you doing today?" The doctor greets him with a kind smile, Sungmin smiles back hoping his smile is a little brighter.
"I guess I'm a little better. My headaches aren't threatening to kill me anymore." He jokes earning a laugh from the doctor who pats his head.
"Ah so young and already so witty." the doctor pulls his stethoscope out and examines Sungmin.
The doctor leaves taking in to consideration Sungmin’s livelier attitude. He advises that Sungmin be allowed to walk outside of their mansion and be allowed to live a little. Sungmin chuckles at his doctor’s remarks. This is why he likes his doctor.
Sungmin’s butler enters his room and helps Sungmin walk out of his bed and walks him towards the vast garden his family owns. “I can take it from here.”
The butler leaves reluctantly but keeps watch of Sungmin from afar.
Sungmin sits down on the bench because he’s tired of standing. He thinks about his life.
He was born with an unknown disease and everyone says he’ll die soon. When he was old enough to think, memories of someone else’s life begin to invade his little mind. It takes him several hours to heal from the migraine the flashbacks have given him.
It’s from that moment on that Sungmin was diagnosed with an unknown disease. Doctor after doctor told him he won’t live long and he should cherish his life.
Even until now, Sungmin isn’t sure if those flashbacks are memories or imaginary thoughts, but he knows deep down they’re memories and he doesn’t understand them, doesn’t understand how he can have memories of a person who looks just like him. The only reason he knows they are his memories is because there was a flashback of him staring into a mirror. The man who looks at the mirror looks the same as him, but he knows there is a difference. From the way the man is dressed to the way the room is decorated. The only similarity is their face. He doesn’t know what it means.
“Sungmin.” The name is foreign on his tongue but it sounds right, sounds perfect. It sounds even better than his real name.
Sungmin shakes his head a little because the more he thinks about this, the more his headaches will attack him.
Another memory flashes in his mind, Sungmin sees paintings, there is that man again who always seems to be by his side, and the man’s name is Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun is talking to him, laughing as they discuss about a particular painting and he actually feels the hand that brushes against his as he -or his past self, he still isn’t sure- looks down to look at their hands that are hitting each other.
Sungmin opens his eyes and he realizes he’s closed them for a while. A headache is forming again and he groans as he touches his head. His butler is by his side in an instant.
Sungmin sleeps to more memories of a man he’s never even met. He wakes up to warm feelings in his chest and for the first time there are no headaches. He smiles and a smiling Kyuhyun flashes in his mind.
Sighing, Sungmin calls for his butler to look for books on past lives. His butler eyes him but obeys the command.
It doesn’t take long for his butler to come back and help him go through the books one by one, not risking Sungmin gaining headaches from reading.
Sungmin is half sure these are memories, he’s even more half sure that they are his memories. He concludes that some of these memories may belong to his past lives. He doesn’t know why he’s remembering them but if remembering them causes him his headaches, then he’d rather the flashbacks stop because it’s pointless to remember things he doesn’t want to know and doesn’t need.
“Master Vincent, would you like to go outside?” His butler distracts him from his thoughts and he knows his butler is trying to get him away from his own headache-inducing thoughts. Sungmin complies as he exits his room.
His butler leaves him voluntarily this time. Sungmin walks around the garden for a while before sitting on the nearby bench not being able to handle the exercise. The wind blows a little and Sungmin hopes it won’t rain for a little while longer because the damp afternoon feels amazing.
There is rustling by the bushes and Sungmin is startled because the wind is no longer blowing. A boy around his age appears in front of him. Sungmin is stunned to silence because he has no idea how the boy got there and the boy looks equally puzzled as he looks into Sungmin’s direction.
They are silent for a while until something in Sungmin’s mind clicks. As if a light bulb had lit itself up, Sungmin realizes something.
“Kyuhyun.” Sungmin whispers and the boy in front of him looks at him with wide-eyes.
“H-how do you know that name?” The boy points an accusing finger at Sungmin. And Sungmin realizes he had uttered Kyuhyun’s name. He covers his mouth but he knows the damage has already been done.
“Are you, could you be, Sungmin?” The boy asks him as he puts his hand down and walks toward Sungmin. Sungmin looks at him as if what he’s saying is absurd but fails because in all honesty, he has accepted the fact that he may very well be this Sungmin.
“I-I think so.” Sungmin whispers and the boy is already in front of him and as Sungmin looks up into the boy’s eyes, something inside him is awakened.
“I guess that makes me Kyuhyun?” The other boy says and Sungmin knows he’s unsure as well. Sungmin can’t help but chuckle at how adorable he is. The boy pouts and it’s such an awkward pout that Sungmin ends up laughing some more.
“I’m Vincent.” Sungmin introduces himself and offers his hand. Kyuhyun takes his hand and replies, “I’m Marcus.”
Kyuhyun turns out to be his butler’s nephew who’s decided to help out in the mansion. Since that day, they never call each other by their real names and opt to use Sungmin and Kyuhyun because it feels right to them.
“How come you’re sick and I’m perfectly fine?” Kyuhyun asks one day as Kyuhyun helps Sungmin walk around the garden. Sungmin shrugs, he’s been thinking about it as well but it hurts to even think about their situation.
“Do you think this is unfair?” Kyuhyun asks unsure as Sungmin’s hold on him tightens. Sungmin takes a deep breath because he wants to say yes but he knows if he says yes then he’ll end up hurting Kyuhyun. It’s comical how the Kyuhyun he knows is still a bit different from the Kyuhyun in his memories. Kyuhyun is offended when he tells him that and retorts with ‘You’re not exactly any different. My memories of you are much better than the actual you.’
Sungmin has known never to take such comments to heart but Kyuhyun still apologizes with all his heart. Sungmin laughs it off but it comforts him.
Sungmin is thankful for Kyuhyun’s presence because Kyuhyun has made it easy for Sungmin to live his life. He’s dying and ever since he was diagnosed with his illness, he’s stopped living and it’s astounding how someone he barely knows and knows all too well at the same time turns his situation around. He’s smiling more nowadays, able to walk further distances, last long outside the humid London air and most of all, he’s living now.
They don’t talk about the impending doom of Sungmin’s death. It doesn’t even come to mind when they’re together. They’re lost in their own world and Sungmin somehow understands a little more why he has to remember Kyuhyun, why he remembers those things and it’s bizarre the things his mind concludes because he knows he’s too young to be thinking of such conclusions but then again maybe he isn’t.
“D-Do you have flashbacks of,” Sungmin starts but he doesn’t know how to go on. Kyuhyun looks at him expectantly. Sungmin closes his eyes, turns his gaze away from Kyuhyun’s anticipating eyes. “Do you ever have flashbacks of us,” he takes a deep breath, “kissing?”
Sungmin hears Kyuhyun gasp, “Do-do you?”
Sungmin tries not to roll his eyes at the question. Kyuhyun sighs.
“Yeah, I have. I have,” Kyuhyun coughs and blushes, “dreams where we’re intimate with each other.” Sungmin knows that it’s not only kissing Kyuhyun refers to and he’s curious just how intimate their past lives were with each other because he has never had any flashbacks other than innocent touches and chaste kisses.
“How intimate? What do we do?” Sungmin finds himself asking out of curiosity.
“I’d rather not tell you.” Kyuhyun buries his head in his hands to somehow hide his embarrassment but Sungmin only laughs and forces Kyuhyun to look at him. Their faces are centimetres apart and Sungmin did not see this coming.
Sungmin closes his eyes because Kyuhyun’s face is so close and if he keeps looking into Kyuhyun’s eyes he’ll forget how to breathe. A warm hand is on his cheek and it feels like that first time Kyuhyun caressed his cheek. There are soft lips on his and Sungmin relishes in the feeling. It’s been so long. He doesn’t know where the thought comes from but before he can even think about it Kyuhyun’s pulling him close and he’s holding on to Kyuhyun’s shirt so tightly.
They pull away and blush as they look away from each other. Kyuhyun’s running away from Sungmin before Sungmin can even look him in the eye. Sungmin sighs, and tries to calm his still beating heart. The feeling of Kyuhyun’s lips on his has never changed. He closes his eyes as other versions of their kisses enter his mind. From chaste innocent pecks to passionate kisses. It takes his breath away and even until now it makes his knees weak and he’s a little dizzy and dazed. He’s thankful he’s already sitting down.
It takes them over a week before they are able to go back to their previous state. Kyuhyun apologizes for kissing him and Sungmin apologizes for kissing back. They end up kissing each other again after failed attempts of fighting the feeling. The second kiss is just as breathtaking as the first, it’s more passionate and it must be their past lives that are controlling them because they’re kissing from experience, an experience they have not had the privilege of actually experiencing.
Sungmin is the first to pull away as Kyuhyun rests his forehead on Sungmin’s. His eyes are still closed and he’s breathing all over Sungmin’s face but he doesn’t mind, not even the least. Sungmin brushes his nose against Kyuhyun’s and closes his eyes. So many things are running through his mind, so many memories are flashing and feelings that were buried within the memories are resurfacing. With Kyuhyun by his side, the flashbacks don’t give him migraines, they only give him warmth.
Kyuhyun thumbs the skin below his eyes and Sungmin is shocked to find himself crying.
“Why are you crying?” Kyuhyun whispers as he holds Sungmin close to him.
“I-I’m not sure.” Sungmin holds on to the hands caressing his face. “I-I think it’s because I’ve been waiting for you.”
Kyuhyun smiles, “Funny, because I’ve been waiting for you as well.”
2. Sungmin holds on but Kyuhyun lets go. Kyuhyun holds on but Sungmin lets go.
Paris; 1700s;
Something soft touches his cheek, touches his forehead, the tip of his nose and his closed eyes. Sungmin guesses they’re someone’s lips and just as he feels the lips nearing his own he mutters, “Kyuhyun.”
“Good morning, Vincent.” Kyuhyun greets as he presses a light kiss on Sungmin’s lips and Sungmin remembers who they are, what they are and where they are.
Sungmin looks into Kyuhyun’s loving eyes as he runs a hand through his lover’s hair and runs it down Kyuhyun’s cheek and neck and his bare chest and stops at his side and Sungmin is satisfied when Kyuhyun closes his eyes as if to bask in the feeling of Sungmin’s hand.
Kyuhyun flips them around so Sungmin’s lying down on top of him and Sungmin smirks as he straddles Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun’s sliding his hands up and down Sungmin’s sides and Sungmin giggles at Kyuhyun’s affectionate gesture.
“You’re so beautiful.” Kyuhyun whispers as he sits up and steals a kiss from Sungmin. Sungmin is surprised at the compliment but accepts it as he kisses Kyuhyun back. His hands find their way through Kyuhyun’s bed hair as he pushes Kyuhyun’s mouth closer to him and Kyuhyun is pulling his body closer. Kyuhyun nibbles on his lower lip for a moment and Sungmin opens his mouth to grant Kyuhyun access. A battle for dominance between their tongues ensues and Sungmin loses but he doesn’t really care as Kyuhyun continues to explore the cavern of his mouth.
They’re panting as they pull away. Kyuhyun’s forehead is resting on Sungmin’s and there’s something in Kyuhyun’s eyes that has Sungmin’s heart beating at such a fast pace. His hands rest on Kyuhyun’s chest drawing mindless patterns on the pale skin. He lets his fingers brush against Kyuhyun’s half hard nipples and Kyuhyun moans. Sungmin smirks at the response as he places tender kisses down Kyuhyun’s neck to his collar bone.
They both moan when Sungmin rubs himself on Kyuhyun and Sungmin is satisfied when Kyuhyun is gasping as he continues the motion. He is disappointed when Kyuhyun stops him from moving but squeals when Kyuhyun flips them again and Kyuhyun is smirking at him as he captures his lips in another heated kiss.
Kyuhyun’s touch is soft and gentle and Sungmin moans as Kyuhyun’s hands explore every inch of his body. He will never get tired of this feeling no matter how many times he experiences this. Kyuhyun’s no longer kissing him but placing open mouthed kisses on his neck and bites at a particular place and Sungmin almost screams Kyuhyun’s name. Kyuhyun chuckles and Sungmin wants to badly hit him but he can’t because Kyuhyun’s on top of him and his hands are working wonders on Sungmin’s body. He moans as Kyuhyun’s hand find its way to his erection.
“Marcus,” Sungmin chokes out. Kyuhyun coos him and whispers something in his ear that he can’t understand because Kyuhyun’s stroking his manhood.
It’s not long before Kyuhyun’s driven him over the edge and he’s so close that he’s gripping Kyuhyun’s arms tightly. Kyuhyun stops just as Sungmin’s sure he’s coming. He shouts at Kyuhyun but his shouts are muffled as Kyuhyun skilfully thrusts his tongue inside his mouth and before he can even kiss back Kyuhyun’s already rubbing himself on Sungmin’s erection and he moans into the kiss.
“Are you still sore?” Kyuhyun asks as he breaks their lip lock and Sungmin wants to say no but he can still feel the ache of his muscles and he knows he probably won’t be able to take anything from Kyuhyun today.
“Yes.” He replies guiltily but Kyuhyun only smiles as he places kisses all over Sungmin’s chest and whispers words that Sungmin can’t understand once more.
“What are you saying?” Sungmin moans out as Kyuhyun’s erection brushes against his.
Kyuhyun’s on top of him and he’s looking at Sungmin with lidded eyes and Kyuhyun nuzzles his nose and whispers, “I love you.”
||
“K-Kyuhyun!”
Sungmin can see Kyuhyun on top of him, can feel him thrusting inside of him and the feeling sends him over the edge and at the same time it feels detached.
“I love you.”
Sungmin hears himself saying after Kyuhyun comes and Kyuhyun embraces him tightly, he can feel the arms wrap around him but it feels as though it’s a distant memory and just as Kyuhyun is about to whisper words of ‘I love yous’ the scene changes.
He’s crying, he can hear himself crying but he doesn’t know why. He looks up from his hands and as he looks up there on a piece of what Sungmin recalls as a futon is a pale-faced Kyuhyun. He moves forward and holds onto the cold hands and Sungmin is shocked by how cold the hand feels and he’s muttering the words ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again and he’s surprised he’s understood what he’s saying because he’s certain it isn’t French.
The scene changes but the images are vague as if it’s a faraway memory that needs to be kept secret or a memory so heartbreaking that it has been hidden. There’s a traditional wedding ceremony and the bride is beautiful and the people around them are joyful and the images are too fast but Sungmin realizes that it’s his wedding and there’s this feeling in the pit of his stomach that says this isn’t just a dream.
He sees Kyuhyun smiling sadly up at him and he opens his eyes.
“Vincent, are you alright?” There is concern written all over Kyuhyun’s eyes and Sungmin wraps his arms around his lover. The images, they were memories and he knows it. As he holds on to Kyuhyun, he can’t help but feel the tears sting his eyes and let them fall. He hasn’t seen anything as painful as this in a while. He doesn’t know what it means.
Kyuhyun gently pats his head and rubs soothing patterns on his back and all Sungmin can do is thank whoever it is out there that this didn’t happen to him. But there’s a nagging feeling inside of him telling him it isn’t far from reality. Because they were born from rich families, families who could still tear them apart even though they’ve eloped, they’ve run away. Sungmin holds Kyuhyun tighter, holds him closer and prays to whoever will listen to not let the past repeat itself.
“P-promise me, Kyuhyun, promise me you’ll never leave me.” Sungmin whispers softly but Kyuhyun hears because Sungmin has his head resting on Kyuhyun’s shoulders. Sungmin can feel Kyuhyun smile as he nods. “I promise.”
Kyuhyun pushes Sungmin slightly as he caresses his face in his hands and admires his beautiful face before kissing him. It’s a simple touch of the lips but it takes both of their breaths away. It’s enough to assure Sungmin that Kyuhyun won’t leave him.
When Sungmin’s calm enough, he turns to face Kyuhyun, “Just how far can you remember?”
When they started remembering things from their past life, Sungmin had always known that Kyuhyun remembered a lot if not most of the things Sungmin didn’t remember. He didn’t know why and he never bothered to find out why. There was always something wonderful about not knowing but as he remembered those things, those moments he can’t help but feel as though there’s someone telling him to prepare for something.
Kyuhyun sighs and adjusts their position so he’s looking into Sungmin’s eyes. “What did you see?”
Sungmin bites his lip and closes his eyes and the images are vivid and complete and he wants to scream because in his memories he’s screaming, he takes a deep breath to calm himself and forces his eyes open, “I think I’ve seen enough.”
Kyuhyun wipes his tears and kisses his forehead. “I’m sorry.” He mutters and he whispers it over and over again and Sungmin doesn’t understand why, can’t grasp the reason why but his heart seems to know exactly why because his heart is hurting.
“Just - Just promise me you won’t leave me, Marcus. I love you so much.” Sungmin says as he envelopes Kyuhyun in his arms once more. Kyuhyun lets out a shaky breath and Sungmin knows he’s trying to stop himself from crying. There is something Kyuhyun isn’t telling him and he knows it’s not a good thing but he can’t ask Kyuhyun because he’s afraid to know what it is.
“I promise. I promise.” Kyuhyun kisses the top of his head. “I love you, too.”
They stay together for as long as they can, for as long as they’re allowed to be with each other. It is only until work has them separating from each other that they finally will themselves off the bed and out into the real world. Sungmin comforts himself with the thought that Kyuhyun can’t leave him, aside from the promise they’ve made, they’ve been together for the longest time, they’ve ran far away from home, they can’t be found and they will not be found.
Every night after that, Sungmin waits for Kyuhyun to come home, prays for Kyuhyun to come home because it is always Kyuhyun who comes home last. Kyuhyun doesn’t notice the desperation in Sungmin, the growing need to have Kyuhyun by his side and Sungmin knows it’s because Kyuhyun is trying his best to avoid the situation, avoid having to face what could be and what will be.
Sungmin is starting to remember. He’s began to remember everything he needs to remember and his heart can’t take it. He doesn’t know why he has to remember. What’s the point, he screams when he wakes up from the memories he’s grown to call nightmares. They started out sweet but now they’re haunting him, haunting his every being, leaving him holding on to Kyuhyun, holding on to the promises. But even the promises are starting to lose their meaning, starting to fade and Sungmin’s grip is loosening.
“Vincent!”
Kyuhyun screams as Sungmin blacks out. Sungmin vaguely hears the voice before he’s brought back into his dream world where the memories will eat him alive.
It’s dark, it’s black and Sungmin doesn’t know why he’s here.
He wakes up next to Kyuhyun who’s close to tears.
Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything as he embraces Sungmin, wraps his arms tight around Sungmin. “Never do that.” He whispers and Sungmin’s crying.
Sungmin’s crying because when he blacked out something happened. Something very important happened and he can’t remember what it is. He can’t remember. So he holds on to Kyuhyun for as long as possible, holds on to this person he loves with all his heart because he knows one day, deep down he knows, that no matter how hard he holds on to him, Kyuhyun will leave him.
||
It’s been more than five years since they’ve been together. They’re celebrating on a random day when there’s a letter delivered to their home. The envelope is formal and they both look at each other because even though they were expecting it, they didn’t see it coming so soon.
It’s addressed to Kyuhyun so Kyuhyun opens the envelope and reads the letter that is from his family.
Kyuhyun smiles sadly at Sungmin and Sungmin knows its time. Kyuhyun kisses Sungmin and whispers ‘I love you’ as he pulls away. Kyuhyun doesn’t tell Sungmin what’s on the letter and Sungmin has to wait until Kyuhyun is sleeping to read the letter.
Sungmin cries himself to sleep that night.
Kyuhyun’s father has died and their family needs Kyuhyun. They’re willing to forgive Kyuhyun and receive him back into the family if he will leave Sungmin behind. The need for Kyuhyun to come back is stressed though.
Sungmin cries because he knows the right thing to do will be to send Kyuhyun back, all on his own, without Sungmin because Kyuhyun’s family needs him. It hurts because their families can never accept the people they love. Sungmin has been disowned and so he won’t have anywhere to go, Kyuhyun is all he has. He cries as more realizations hit and a blurred conversation flashes in his mind and he knows it’s from that time that he passed out.
The memory passes and he still can’t figure out just what it was and so he cries again. He cries until he can no longer breathe, until no more tears spill out and the morning has finally seeped in.
Sungmin smiles and lets Kyuhyun love him all week long. Sungmin pretends it’s not their last moments. They don’t talk about the letter. He doesn’t force Kyuhyun to go but he doesn’t stop him either. Kyuhyun communicates with him through their eyes and emotions. They don’t need words to know that Kyuhyun will say goodbye because they’ve known all along this was to come.
In the end no matter how hard Sungmin prays, the past will repeat itself.
Kyuhyun is gone when Sungmin wakes up. There’s a letter on the dresser and all it says is ‘I will always love you.’
Sungmin cries. He cries until his heart bleeds out all the pain and he can’t feel anything anymore. He closes his eyes and he feels like he’s falling, feels like he’s flying and he sees Kyuhyun’s smile, hears him say ‘I love you’ one last time and everything turns black.
Next
Team: AU
Rating: R
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Sungmin
Summary: Sungmin has lived many lives, has lived in almost all lifetimes, has been reborn, has died and it’s a never ending cycle the way his life works and he doesn’t know why it occurs or why he even remembers his past lives. But despite all the differences in his life, there is always that one thing constant - Cho Kyuhyun.
Author's Note: I'd just like to thank everyone who bothered to read my fic and my team members who helped me with the beta-ing and gave me beautiful suggestions. Thanks guys! You're the best really :>
Prompt Used: Urban Zakapa - All The Same
Sungmin relishes in the feeling of the cold. He keeps his eyes closed, pressing his forehead against the large window of his condo unit. He opens his eyes slowly, admiring the darkness of Seoul illuminated with the lights of the city. It calms his heart, clears his mind and lightens the burden he’s carrying on his shoulders, if only a little. A tear rolls down his cheek and he hurriedly wipes it away. This is the feeling he hates the most. He hates this feeling, despite how many lives he’s lived, how many times he’s felt this, he can never get used to the ache his heart goes through when he thinks about Kyuhyun.
Sungmin forces himself to sit down on his plush couch, forces his mind to calm down, and forces his heart to be alright. He tells himself that he will be fine. He looks out again at the night view and a tired smile adorns his face, memories are running through his head, some from this lifetime but most from other lifetimes, different periods and eras and he forces his eyes open trying not to blink because the images are vivid and haunting.
The memories are the same but it is at this moment, at this particular point in his life the memories he tries not to remember resurfaces as if to remind him of all the failed attempts at perfection, rubbing it in his face that in all his years, he will never achieve his happy ending, he will never have his perfect story.
Sungmin finally succumbs to the feeling of closing his eyes. A headache is beginning to make itself evident in his mind and closing his eyes makes the throbbing lessen. He sees the images of his memories passing one by one as if in a slideshow and he fights the urge to laugh because it really is mocking him.
Sungmin cries himself to sleep that night, just like how he cries himself to sleep every night it happens in his past lives. He lets himself wonder if Kyuhyun ever feels like this, ever feels this broken, as if he’s beyond repair and not even the love they have for each other can fix him because it was never enough, love had never been enough.
&&
Their story is like a cycle, a never ending circle of infinity. It only has a few steps, a few processes to follow before it goes back to the start. It’s a tiring cycle, it’s a very boring cycle but the steps and processes happen anyway, happens without Sungmin’s permission, taking his happiness with it, slowly, bit by bit.
1. Kyuhyun falls in love with Sungmin. Sungmin falls in love with Kyuhyun.
Japan; 1600s;
The cherry blossom trees are in full bloom, gracing the streets with its beautiful petals. It’s a beautiful scene, Sungmin notes. He takes his arm out opening his palm and tries to catch the falling petals. This is his favorite part of spring. The way the cherry blossoms dance with the wind and play with the people simply takes his breath away, there is nothing more beautiful than this. He tries to capture the scene in his memory, hoping to find the best words to describe the beautiful scene. He thinks this is the perfect moment to fall in love.
“Sungmin-sama, your father is calling for you.” The servant says through the shoji and the smile Sungmin wears disappears from his face. A small sigh escapes his lips as he stands up and slides close the shoji that has a beautiful view of their cherry blossom garden and opens the shoji where the servant is now bowing him in greeting. The servant stands up and leads Sungmin to the room where his father is waiting for him.
The servant announces that Sungmin has arrived and leaves the vicinity as Sungmin opens the door. Sungmin doesn’t have to think too hard to know what his father wants to discuss. It’s the only thing his father ever wants to talk to him about. He bows in greeting at his father as his father motions for him to sit in front of him, Sungmin obeys.
As soon as his father starts speaking, Sungmin starts to turn half of his attention away from the topic. He half hears his father saying, “There is this woman whom I think is a perfect match for you…” and nods in acknowledgment but his attention is already far from the conversation. He’s looking intently at his father, nodding appropriately when needed but he’s describing cherry blossoms and spring in his mind, using adjectives most people wouldn’t even think of using to describe cherry blossoms and spring.
It’s not that Sungmin doesn’t want to get married. He knows as son of a shogun that it’s his duty to marry and present an heir to their clan. It’s his duty to find a suitable wife. But he doesn’t want to marry someone he does not love. He’s a writer at heart and this just makes him susceptible to such thoughts. He’s dreamed of falling in love for as long as he can remember and spring almost always gives him this yearning.
Sungmin resists the urge to sigh because his father is still speaking and discussing about future marriage arrangements, he can’t say anything because he knows it’s futile. He continues to just nod in agreement at everything his father says knowing in his heart he will probably never fall in love. Most sons of shoguns all end up in this situation, being forced to marry and never falling in love with the person that was chosen for them. He desperately clings on to the hope that maybe he is part of the group who actually falls for their fiancée but he knows that’s a far cry from reality. He mentally shakes his head at the thought; he’s been reading too many romance novels. He hopes that whoever this woman was, she was at least tolerable.
His father finally stops talking, satisfied with the decision they’ve made. Sungmin had agreed to meet the woman first before they started talking about engagements and marriages. His father had complied after Sungmin raised the idea that if they did not meet her first and got to know at least a little of her character then she could bring shame to the family. It was the best excuse Sungmin could come up with to avoid his marriage. It always worked. Even though it was embarrassing to be his age and still be unmarried, he would just have to face the consequences.
“Father, would it be alright if I went out for a bit?” Sungmin asks before exiting the room.
His father frowns, “You know it’s dangerous for us to be out at a time like this.”
“I will take some guards with me and I won’t go too far. I just need to clear my mind and holing myself up in my study is suffocating me.” Sungmin explains, trying his best to convince his father even though he knows he’s risking his life in a way. There have been rumors, rumors that may have started out just to scare them but cannot be taken lightly, going around but he wasn’t going to let that stop him from going out and admiring the beauty of spring and letting himself bask in the feeling of spring. Really though, this urge he had to go out was unsettling, he didn’t know where it was coming from or why it was such a strong urge.
His father sighs after thinking about what his son had said. Seeing the look of determination on his son’s features, he really has no choice but to let his son be.
“You may go.”
Sungmin smiles widely and thanks his father with a bow. He steps out of the room and heads for the gates where his guards are waiting for him already. He smiles at them as they proceed to leave the area.
Sungmin doesn’t walk too far from their property, has never had to walk too far because they lived relatively close to a forest filled with cherry blossom trees. He is forever grateful for this. He sends his guards at least 2 meters away so he can feel as though he’s alone in this field decorated with cherry blossom petals.
There is a soft humming in the background and Sungmin thinks it’s his mind that’s conjuring such sounds but he finds the voice soulful and real and closer as he takes unknowing steps towards the melody. In a moment of doubt and realization that he might be delusional he turns to his guards, “Do you hear that?”
“We do, Sungmin-sama. Would you like us to check the surroundings for you?” A guard replies and Sungmin sighs in relief at the thought that he’s not totally losing his mind. He waves his hand to dismiss the offer before taking tentative steps, approaching the beautiful tune. He tries to calm himself down because this could be a bad idea but he has his guards, he reminds himself, and this isn’t like any of those rumors.
A smile is thrown in Sungmin’s direction as a man with dark brown hair looks his way. Sungmin assumes he had just made himself visible to the other which is why the stranger is looking at him. The smile is bright and Sungmin wonders just who smiles at people they have never met. Sungmin notes; however, that the stranger’s smile is even more beautiful than spring or cherry blossoms.
It takes Sungmin a moment to notice that the man is no longer humming. The stranger is still smiling at him sitting on the grass as the cherry blossoms decorate his surroundings. Everything is taking Sungmin’s breath away.
“I’m Kyuhyun.” The man says smiling and Sungmin is shocked because all of a sudden he’s standing in front of Kyuhyun and he doesn’t even remember walking. He stops thinking about it long enough to take Kyuhyun’s offered hand and returns his smile with an awkward one because the situation is still confusing him.
“Sungmin.” Sungmin replies eventually letting his hand leave the warmth of Kyuhyun’s. The cold air that blows on his once warmed hand makes Sungmin shudder and he wonders just how warm Kyuhyun’s hands were.
“It’s nice to meet you.” Kyuhyun says as he motions for Sungmin to take a seat beside him. Sungmin thinks of it as odd but finds himself obliging and he wonders where this comfortable feeling is coming from because this is supposed to be awkward.
“The cherry blossoms are really beautiful this particular spring. It makes me want to write a song.” Kyuhyun chuckles and Sungmin thinks he’s right.
“I can’t write songs.” Sungmin admits as he bites his lips and Kyuhyun chuckles again at his confession.
“I can teach you if you’d like. I think it’s fairly easy.” Kyuhyun smiles down at him and Sungmin can’t help but smile as well, all the feelings of discomfort, awkwardness and confusion gone to be replaced by this sudden ease, then again there was only ease to begin with.
“That would be nice.” Sungmin replies thoughtlessly and as he absorbs his own words, he knows that writing a song would just be perfect for the moment.
“I’m a writer so I think writing songs wouldn’t be as hard as I assume.” Sungmin adds. Kyuhyun looks at him and nods.
“You write for a living?”
“No, not really. Writing is my past time, but I don’t work so I might as well say I’m a writer.” Sungmin shyly admits and it’s not something he’s proud of but he’d rather say he was a writer than a shogun’s son. He didn’t want the possibility of making a good friend disappear just because of social statuses.
Kyuhyun just nods knowingly, “Then I guess we’re the same then. I don’t really do anything and I sing as a pastime.” Sungmin watches Kyuhyun speak and notices this shine in his eyes the slight break in his voice as he speaks and Sungmin wonders if Kyuhyun is alright. Kyuhyun smiles at him again and the glint is gone and it feels as though it was never there.
“Do you sing, Sungmin-san?” Kyuhyun changes the topic and Sungmin wonders if it’s on purpose or Kyuhyun is genuinely curious.
Sungmin nods as he thinks about the question. He’s not a bad singer but he wasn’t all that great either.
“Would you like to sing with me? This is a perfect time to sing and singing with another person at this time of day is one of the best feelings in the world.” There is something in the way Kyuhyun smiles with his teeth showing that Sungmin can’t help but laughingly accept the request.
Kyuhyun teaches him the song, singing it once and then going over the lyrics with Sungmin. It doesn’t take long for Sungmin to be able to sing along with Kyuhyun and Sungmin feels like he’s floating on air. It’s amazing, the song is beautiful, Kyuhyun’s voice is enticing, the spring setting is warm and Sungmin’s companion makes it all worthwhile.
Sungmin laughs as they end the song and Kyuhyun joins in his laughter. He’s never felt like this before and he wonders if Kyuhyun feels the same.
Sungmin’s laughter dies down and so does Kyuhyun’s and they’re both smiling at each other now. “I have to go.”
Sungmin sighs at the statement. He knew this could never last long. He looks at the surroundings and finds his guards watching them and looks at the darkening sky knowing he too has to leave.
“It was nice meeting you, Kyuhyun-san.” Sungmin smiles and Kyuhyun nods, moving forward to leave.
“We should meet again soon.” Kyuhyun says before leaving, turning to look at Sungmin who’s about to stand. Sungmin smiles at Kyuhyun and replies, “Yes, we should.”
The sentence itself is full of promises and requires deciphering but they both know the meaning of the answer. It’s unusual because they had just met and yet it feels like they understand each other so well. Kyuhyun grins at Sungmin one last time, all teeth and innocent like and Sungmin laughs at the image as Kyuhyun turns his back on Sungmin and disappears into the woods. Sungmin smiles as he watches the back disappear from view and he feels the excitement bubble in his stomach as he realizes that tomorrow is another day to see Kyuhyun.
||
A friend is the last thing Sungmin expects to make and yet he seems to have made one out of Kyuhyun.
He's sitting on the grass writing as Kyuhyun approaches. Kyuhyun doesn't greet Sungmin but he knows Sungmin has sensed his presence. Sungmin is thankful for the peace. When Sungmin is finished writing, he smiles in Kyuhyun's direction.
"What were you writing about?" Kyuhyun asks as he sits closer to Sungmin. Sungmin just shakes his head and smiles. He doesn't want to tell Kyuhyun he was writing about them. Kyuhyun doesn't press any further as he laughs at Sungmin's reluctance to tell him. The gesture makes Sungmin wonder if Kyuhyun knows what he was writing about.
"Would it be alright if I considered you to be my friend?" Kyuhyun begins, a bit shyly, after the moment of silence, not looking into Sungmin's eyes. Sungmin chuckles at the way Kyuhyun asks but it doesn't stop him from replying, "Of course!"
And that’s how they happen.
The weeks pass and Sungmin gets to know Kyuhyun better. He takes in the details of Kyuhyun's life, committing the important ones to memory. He realizes there isn't much difference between him and Kyuhyun. They don't work because they're sons of shoguns, their dreams are pointless and yet they continue to dream, and they're both expected to bear their clans an heir. Kyuhyun jokes that his family has given up on him finding a wife. Sungmin senses there is more to this statement than it's made out to be but the idea doesn't stay long in his mind.
"That's impossible! Our families would go searching the ends of the world if they had to." Sungmin jokes and Kyuhyun has the decency to at least half-heartedly laugh and Sungmin frowns at that. He thought it was funny. He frowns even further when Kyuhyun gazes into the distance and he isn't smiling anymore. Sungmin bites his lower lip; it must've been something he said.
"If I offended you, I apologize." Sungmin says sincerely. Kyuhyun shakes his head and smiles solemnly as he continues to train his eyes on the beautiful field.
“Do you think I’ll ever fall in love, Sungmin-san?” Kyuhyun’s tone is making Sungmin worry. Sungmin thinks that Kyuhyun must also think that falling in love with the chosen woman for them is impossible. Sungmin quickly gathers his thoughts to comfort his friend without having to lie to him because Sungmin is a firm believer that one does not just fall in love with their future wives with time.
“Yes, you will. It will take some time but I’m certain that with time, you will fall for your wife.” Sungmin cringes inwardly at the lie. He ran out of options and he hopes Kyuhyun will believe his words. He’s surprised out of his thoughts when Kyuhyun chuckles. Kyuhyun is looking at him with soft kind eyes and it brings a warm feeling to Sungmin.
“Believe me when I say, my family will never find a woman for me.” Kyuhyun says as he looks into Sungmin’s eyes and Sungmin can’t help but choke on air because there is something about the way Kyuhyun is looking at him. Kyuhyun caresses Sungmin’s cheek and Sungmin is too stunned to react. Kyuhyun is smiling at him and the soft brown eyes have a tinge of sadness in them and he realizes what Kyuhyun’s just said.
“What do you mean they’ll never find a woman? My parents managed to find me one, I’m sure you’ll find yours.” Sungmin says and he doesn’t even know why they’re discussing about arranged marriages because it’s not exactly love.
“The women aren’t the problem, I am.” Kyuhyun takes his hand slowly away from Sungmin’s cheek and Sungmin resists the urge to pull the hand back because it felt good to feel on his own skin. Kyuhyun gives him a wry smile and before Sungmin can demand Kyuhyun to explain the situation, Kyuhyun is leaving and bidding him goodbye.
Despite the times they spend together, Sungmin realizes that he is not remotely close to knowing just who Kyuhyun is. He knows Kyuhyun is hiding something from him but he can’t say for sure what it is and it worries him. He would like to believe that he’s the person Kyuhyun can confide in but it seems like he isn’t even in the position to know Kyuhyun’s problems.
Sungmin goes home to thoughts of Kyuhyun and their friendship and just how much Kyuhyun has affected him over their past encounters in the span of only a few weeks. He comes home to news that the family of the woman his father has chosen is finally making their way to visit their household and Sungmin can’t help but want to see Kyuhyun and seek comfort from him. He wonders if it’s alright to seek Kyuhyun’s warmth because he finds the feeling comfortable and he touches the cheek Kyuhyun caressed. It manages to calm his nerves because it’s dawning on him that he can’t escape this marriage anymore.
||
Kyuhyun listens to Sungmin as he pours his fears out to the younger. Sungmin knows Kyuhyun is listening because Kyuhyun nods every once in a while but he does not interrupt Sungmin, not even once. When Sungmin is finished with his tirade, Kyuhyun smiles at him, holds his hand and squeezes it. It’s a light gesture but it calms him down, calms him enough to realize that the world is still beautiful, that even if he gets married, it’s not the end of the world and Sungmin is surprised at how calming Kyuhyun is to him.
“Thank you.” Sungmin says smiling at Kyuhyun now who’s letting his hand go and he feels the urge to hold on but he knows it wouldn’t be appropriate.
“It was my pleasure.”
A comfortable silence lingers between the two of them as if to help Sungmin calm his mind. “When are you meeting her?”
“Tomorrow.”
Sungmin knows that Kyuhyun senses the dreading feeling he emits, Kyuhyun offers him a sympathetic smile. “At least you get the opportunity to fall in love, don’t you think so?”
Sungmin shakes his head, he might as well tell Kyuhyun what he thinks about arranged marriages. “I don’t believe in that. I don’t believe you can just fall in love with the person you’re arranged to be married to. I think you can tolerate them, you can be fond of them but it requires something else to be able to fall in love with them.”
Sungmin wants to say sorry because he mislead Kyuhyun that one time, but before he can even think about saying anything, there is something soft on his lips and he sees Kyuhyun’s face up close and he realizes he’s being kissed. Sungmin has never kissed before and he doesn’t know what to do. He ends up too shocked to move, too stunned at how soft Kyuhyun’s lips are, too surprised at the feeling of the kiss and too astonished at how right this feels.
“I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun whispers into his lips and his breath is warm on Sungmin’s face and Sungmin swears his heart rate is too fast for a normal person. It takes a moment for him to realize that Kyuhyun has just kissed him and has just apologized.
“I shouldn’t have done that.” Kyuhyun continues manoeuvring to walk away. Before he can walk any further, Sungmin has grabbed his wrist in an attempt to make him stay. There is this warmth again Sungmin has been feeling whenever he’s with Kyuhyun, it’s enveloping his entire being and making his heart beat erratically. He can’t think straight and really the only thought in his mind is to kiss Kyuhyun again because the feeling of Kyuhyun’s lips on his was just magical. He let’s all inhibitions go and pulls Kyuhyun to him, capturing Kyuhyun’s lips in an experimental kiss.
Sungmin is kissing Kyuhyun the way he reads people kiss in books. He doesn’t even know if he’s doing it correctly but the way Kyuhyun is holding him and kissing him back with as much fervour keeps him going.
"I love you." Kyuhyun whispers on his lips and Sungmin almost misses it in his dazed state but he hears it and feels it and everything seems to unfold itself to him, clearing the skies and his world around him.
Kyuhyun’s holding him by the waist and as he looks into Kyuhyun's eyes he knows he loves Kyuhyun as well.
"I love you." He whispers back.
London; 1800s;
"Master Vincent, the doctor is here." Sungmin smiles at his butler as he acknowledges his message. The butler leaves to assist the doctor inside.
Sungmin waits for the doctor as he stares out his wide window admiring the dark clouds as they signal that rain would be falling soon. A bitter smile adorns his young face as a memory -or hallucination-crosses his mind. It was of someone playing around in the rain with a man whose pale skin could outmatch the clear white clouds.
Somehow the image makes his heart ache for some reason.
"Vincent, how are you doing today?" The doctor greets him with a kind smile, Sungmin smiles back hoping his smile is a little brighter.
"I guess I'm a little better. My headaches aren't threatening to kill me anymore." He jokes earning a laugh from the doctor who pats his head.
"Ah so young and already so witty." the doctor pulls his stethoscope out and examines Sungmin.
The doctor leaves taking in to consideration Sungmin’s livelier attitude. He advises that Sungmin be allowed to walk outside of their mansion and be allowed to live a little. Sungmin chuckles at his doctor’s remarks. This is why he likes his doctor.
Sungmin’s butler enters his room and helps Sungmin walk out of his bed and walks him towards the vast garden his family owns. “I can take it from here.”
The butler leaves reluctantly but keeps watch of Sungmin from afar.
Sungmin sits down on the bench because he’s tired of standing. He thinks about his life.
He was born with an unknown disease and everyone says he’ll die soon. When he was old enough to think, memories of someone else’s life begin to invade his little mind. It takes him several hours to heal from the migraine the flashbacks have given him.
It’s from that moment on that Sungmin was diagnosed with an unknown disease. Doctor after doctor told him he won’t live long and he should cherish his life.
Even until now, Sungmin isn’t sure if those flashbacks are memories or imaginary thoughts, but he knows deep down they’re memories and he doesn’t understand them, doesn’t understand how he can have memories of a person who looks just like him. The only reason he knows they are his memories is because there was a flashback of him staring into a mirror. The man who looks at the mirror looks the same as him, but he knows there is a difference. From the way the man is dressed to the way the room is decorated. The only similarity is their face. He doesn’t know what it means.
“Sungmin.” The name is foreign on his tongue but it sounds right, sounds perfect. It sounds even better than his real name.
Sungmin shakes his head a little because the more he thinks about this, the more his headaches will attack him.
Another memory flashes in his mind, Sungmin sees paintings, there is that man again who always seems to be by his side, and the man’s name is Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun is talking to him, laughing as they discuss about a particular painting and he actually feels the hand that brushes against his as he -or his past self, he still isn’t sure- looks down to look at their hands that are hitting each other.
Sungmin opens his eyes and he realizes he’s closed them for a while. A headache is forming again and he groans as he touches his head. His butler is by his side in an instant.
Sungmin sleeps to more memories of a man he’s never even met. He wakes up to warm feelings in his chest and for the first time there are no headaches. He smiles and a smiling Kyuhyun flashes in his mind.
Sighing, Sungmin calls for his butler to look for books on past lives. His butler eyes him but obeys the command.
It doesn’t take long for his butler to come back and help him go through the books one by one, not risking Sungmin gaining headaches from reading.
Sungmin is half sure these are memories, he’s even more half sure that they are his memories. He concludes that some of these memories may belong to his past lives. He doesn’t know why he’s remembering them but if remembering them causes him his headaches, then he’d rather the flashbacks stop because it’s pointless to remember things he doesn’t want to know and doesn’t need.
“Master Vincent, would you like to go outside?” His butler distracts him from his thoughts and he knows his butler is trying to get him away from his own headache-inducing thoughts. Sungmin complies as he exits his room.
His butler leaves him voluntarily this time. Sungmin walks around the garden for a while before sitting on the nearby bench not being able to handle the exercise. The wind blows a little and Sungmin hopes it won’t rain for a little while longer because the damp afternoon feels amazing.
There is rustling by the bushes and Sungmin is startled because the wind is no longer blowing. A boy around his age appears in front of him. Sungmin is stunned to silence because he has no idea how the boy got there and the boy looks equally puzzled as he looks into Sungmin’s direction.
They are silent for a while until something in Sungmin’s mind clicks. As if a light bulb had lit itself up, Sungmin realizes something.
“Kyuhyun.” Sungmin whispers and the boy in front of him looks at him with wide-eyes.
“H-how do you know that name?” The boy points an accusing finger at Sungmin. And Sungmin realizes he had uttered Kyuhyun’s name. He covers his mouth but he knows the damage has already been done.
“Are you, could you be, Sungmin?” The boy asks him as he puts his hand down and walks toward Sungmin. Sungmin looks at him as if what he’s saying is absurd but fails because in all honesty, he has accepted the fact that he may very well be this Sungmin.
“I-I think so.” Sungmin whispers and the boy is already in front of him and as Sungmin looks up into the boy’s eyes, something inside him is awakened.
“I guess that makes me Kyuhyun?” The other boy says and Sungmin knows he’s unsure as well. Sungmin can’t help but chuckle at how adorable he is. The boy pouts and it’s such an awkward pout that Sungmin ends up laughing some more.
“I’m Vincent.” Sungmin introduces himself and offers his hand. Kyuhyun takes his hand and replies, “I’m Marcus.”
Kyuhyun turns out to be his butler’s nephew who’s decided to help out in the mansion. Since that day, they never call each other by their real names and opt to use Sungmin and Kyuhyun because it feels right to them.
“How come you’re sick and I’m perfectly fine?” Kyuhyun asks one day as Kyuhyun helps Sungmin walk around the garden. Sungmin shrugs, he’s been thinking about it as well but it hurts to even think about their situation.
“Do you think this is unfair?” Kyuhyun asks unsure as Sungmin’s hold on him tightens. Sungmin takes a deep breath because he wants to say yes but he knows if he says yes then he’ll end up hurting Kyuhyun. It’s comical how the Kyuhyun he knows is still a bit different from the Kyuhyun in his memories. Kyuhyun is offended when he tells him that and retorts with ‘You’re not exactly any different. My memories of you are much better than the actual you.’
Sungmin has known never to take such comments to heart but Kyuhyun still apologizes with all his heart. Sungmin laughs it off but it comforts him.
Sungmin is thankful for Kyuhyun’s presence because Kyuhyun has made it easy for Sungmin to live his life. He’s dying and ever since he was diagnosed with his illness, he’s stopped living and it’s astounding how someone he barely knows and knows all too well at the same time turns his situation around. He’s smiling more nowadays, able to walk further distances, last long outside the humid London air and most of all, he’s living now.
They don’t talk about the impending doom of Sungmin’s death. It doesn’t even come to mind when they’re together. They’re lost in their own world and Sungmin somehow understands a little more why he has to remember Kyuhyun, why he remembers those things and it’s bizarre the things his mind concludes because he knows he’s too young to be thinking of such conclusions but then again maybe he isn’t.
“D-Do you have flashbacks of,” Sungmin starts but he doesn’t know how to go on. Kyuhyun looks at him expectantly. Sungmin closes his eyes, turns his gaze away from Kyuhyun’s anticipating eyes. “Do you ever have flashbacks of us,” he takes a deep breath, “kissing?”
Sungmin hears Kyuhyun gasp, “Do-do you?”
Sungmin tries not to roll his eyes at the question. Kyuhyun sighs.
“Yeah, I have. I have,” Kyuhyun coughs and blushes, “dreams where we’re intimate with each other.” Sungmin knows that it’s not only kissing Kyuhyun refers to and he’s curious just how intimate their past lives were with each other because he has never had any flashbacks other than innocent touches and chaste kisses.
“How intimate? What do we do?” Sungmin finds himself asking out of curiosity.
“I’d rather not tell you.” Kyuhyun buries his head in his hands to somehow hide his embarrassment but Sungmin only laughs and forces Kyuhyun to look at him. Their faces are centimetres apart and Sungmin did not see this coming.
Sungmin closes his eyes because Kyuhyun’s face is so close and if he keeps looking into Kyuhyun’s eyes he’ll forget how to breathe. A warm hand is on his cheek and it feels like that first time Kyuhyun caressed his cheek. There are soft lips on his and Sungmin relishes in the feeling. It’s been so long. He doesn’t know where the thought comes from but before he can even think about it Kyuhyun’s pulling him close and he’s holding on to Kyuhyun’s shirt so tightly.
They pull away and blush as they look away from each other. Kyuhyun’s running away from Sungmin before Sungmin can even look him in the eye. Sungmin sighs, and tries to calm his still beating heart. The feeling of Kyuhyun’s lips on his has never changed. He closes his eyes as other versions of their kisses enter his mind. From chaste innocent pecks to passionate kisses. It takes his breath away and even until now it makes his knees weak and he’s a little dizzy and dazed. He’s thankful he’s already sitting down.
It takes them over a week before they are able to go back to their previous state. Kyuhyun apologizes for kissing him and Sungmin apologizes for kissing back. They end up kissing each other again after failed attempts of fighting the feeling. The second kiss is just as breathtaking as the first, it’s more passionate and it must be their past lives that are controlling them because they’re kissing from experience, an experience they have not had the privilege of actually experiencing.
Sungmin is the first to pull away as Kyuhyun rests his forehead on Sungmin’s. His eyes are still closed and he’s breathing all over Sungmin’s face but he doesn’t mind, not even the least. Sungmin brushes his nose against Kyuhyun’s and closes his eyes. So many things are running through his mind, so many memories are flashing and feelings that were buried within the memories are resurfacing. With Kyuhyun by his side, the flashbacks don’t give him migraines, they only give him warmth.
Kyuhyun thumbs the skin below his eyes and Sungmin is shocked to find himself crying.
“Why are you crying?” Kyuhyun whispers as he holds Sungmin close to him.
“I-I’m not sure.” Sungmin holds on to the hands caressing his face. “I-I think it’s because I’ve been waiting for you.”
Kyuhyun smiles, “Funny, because I’ve been waiting for you as well.”
2. Sungmin holds on but Kyuhyun lets go. Kyuhyun holds on but Sungmin lets go.
Paris; 1700s;
Something soft touches his cheek, touches his forehead, the tip of his nose and his closed eyes. Sungmin guesses they’re someone’s lips and just as he feels the lips nearing his own he mutters, “Kyuhyun.”
“Good morning, Vincent.” Kyuhyun greets as he presses a light kiss on Sungmin’s lips and Sungmin remembers who they are, what they are and where they are.
Sungmin looks into Kyuhyun’s loving eyes as he runs a hand through his lover’s hair and runs it down Kyuhyun’s cheek and neck and his bare chest and stops at his side and Sungmin is satisfied when Kyuhyun closes his eyes as if to bask in the feeling of Sungmin’s hand.
Kyuhyun flips them around so Sungmin’s lying down on top of him and Sungmin smirks as he straddles Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun’s sliding his hands up and down Sungmin’s sides and Sungmin giggles at Kyuhyun’s affectionate gesture.
“You’re so beautiful.” Kyuhyun whispers as he sits up and steals a kiss from Sungmin. Sungmin is surprised at the compliment but accepts it as he kisses Kyuhyun back. His hands find their way through Kyuhyun’s bed hair as he pushes Kyuhyun’s mouth closer to him and Kyuhyun is pulling his body closer. Kyuhyun nibbles on his lower lip for a moment and Sungmin opens his mouth to grant Kyuhyun access. A battle for dominance between their tongues ensues and Sungmin loses but he doesn’t really care as Kyuhyun continues to explore the cavern of his mouth.
They’re panting as they pull away. Kyuhyun’s forehead is resting on Sungmin’s and there’s something in Kyuhyun’s eyes that has Sungmin’s heart beating at such a fast pace. His hands rest on Kyuhyun’s chest drawing mindless patterns on the pale skin. He lets his fingers brush against Kyuhyun’s half hard nipples and Kyuhyun moans. Sungmin smirks at the response as he places tender kisses down Kyuhyun’s neck to his collar bone.
They both moan when Sungmin rubs himself on Kyuhyun and Sungmin is satisfied when Kyuhyun is gasping as he continues the motion. He is disappointed when Kyuhyun stops him from moving but squeals when Kyuhyun flips them again and Kyuhyun is smirking at him as he captures his lips in another heated kiss.
Kyuhyun’s touch is soft and gentle and Sungmin moans as Kyuhyun’s hands explore every inch of his body. He will never get tired of this feeling no matter how many times he experiences this. Kyuhyun’s no longer kissing him but placing open mouthed kisses on his neck and bites at a particular place and Sungmin almost screams Kyuhyun’s name. Kyuhyun chuckles and Sungmin wants to badly hit him but he can’t because Kyuhyun’s on top of him and his hands are working wonders on Sungmin’s body. He moans as Kyuhyun’s hand find its way to his erection.
“Marcus,” Sungmin chokes out. Kyuhyun coos him and whispers something in his ear that he can’t understand because Kyuhyun’s stroking his manhood.
It’s not long before Kyuhyun’s driven him over the edge and he’s so close that he’s gripping Kyuhyun’s arms tightly. Kyuhyun stops just as Sungmin’s sure he’s coming. He shouts at Kyuhyun but his shouts are muffled as Kyuhyun skilfully thrusts his tongue inside his mouth and before he can even kiss back Kyuhyun’s already rubbing himself on Sungmin’s erection and he moans into the kiss.
“Are you still sore?” Kyuhyun asks as he breaks their lip lock and Sungmin wants to say no but he can still feel the ache of his muscles and he knows he probably won’t be able to take anything from Kyuhyun today.
“Yes.” He replies guiltily but Kyuhyun only smiles as he places kisses all over Sungmin’s chest and whispers words that Sungmin can’t understand once more.
“What are you saying?” Sungmin moans out as Kyuhyun’s erection brushes against his.
Kyuhyun’s on top of him and he’s looking at Sungmin with lidded eyes and Kyuhyun nuzzles his nose and whispers, “I love you.”
||
“K-Kyuhyun!”
Sungmin can see Kyuhyun on top of him, can feel him thrusting inside of him and the feeling sends him over the edge and at the same time it feels detached.
“I love you.”
Sungmin hears himself saying after Kyuhyun comes and Kyuhyun embraces him tightly, he can feel the arms wrap around him but it feels as though it’s a distant memory and just as Kyuhyun is about to whisper words of ‘I love yous’ the scene changes.
He’s crying, he can hear himself crying but he doesn’t know why. He looks up from his hands and as he looks up there on a piece of what Sungmin recalls as a futon is a pale-faced Kyuhyun. He moves forward and holds onto the cold hands and Sungmin is shocked by how cold the hand feels and he’s muttering the words ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again and he’s surprised he’s understood what he’s saying because he’s certain it isn’t French.
The scene changes but the images are vague as if it’s a faraway memory that needs to be kept secret or a memory so heartbreaking that it has been hidden. There’s a traditional wedding ceremony and the bride is beautiful and the people around them are joyful and the images are too fast but Sungmin realizes that it’s his wedding and there’s this feeling in the pit of his stomach that says this isn’t just a dream.
He sees Kyuhyun smiling sadly up at him and he opens his eyes.
“Vincent, are you alright?” There is concern written all over Kyuhyun’s eyes and Sungmin wraps his arms around his lover. The images, they were memories and he knows it. As he holds on to Kyuhyun, he can’t help but feel the tears sting his eyes and let them fall. He hasn’t seen anything as painful as this in a while. He doesn’t know what it means.
Kyuhyun gently pats his head and rubs soothing patterns on his back and all Sungmin can do is thank whoever it is out there that this didn’t happen to him. But there’s a nagging feeling inside of him telling him it isn’t far from reality. Because they were born from rich families, families who could still tear them apart even though they’ve eloped, they’ve run away. Sungmin holds Kyuhyun tighter, holds him closer and prays to whoever will listen to not let the past repeat itself.
“P-promise me, Kyuhyun, promise me you’ll never leave me.” Sungmin whispers softly but Kyuhyun hears because Sungmin has his head resting on Kyuhyun’s shoulders. Sungmin can feel Kyuhyun smile as he nods. “I promise.”
Kyuhyun pushes Sungmin slightly as he caresses his face in his hands and admires his beautiful face before kissing him. It’s a simple touch of the lips but it takes both of their breaths away. It’s enough to assure Sungmin that Kyuhyun won’t leave him.
When Sungmin’s calm enough, he turns to face Kyuhyun, “Just how far can you remember?”
When they started remembering things from their past life, Sungmin had always known that Kyuhyun remembered a lot if not most of the things Sungmin didn’t remember. He didn’t know why and he never bothered to find out why. There was always something wonderful about not knowing but as he remembered those things, those moments he can’t help but feel as though there’s someone telling him to prepare for something.
Kyuhyun sighs and adjusts their position so he’s looking into Sungmin’s eyes. “What did you see?”
Sungmin bites his lip and closes his eyes and the images are vivid and complete and he wants to scream because in his memories he’s screaming, he takes a deep breath to calm himself and forces his eyes open, “I think I’ve seen enough.”
Kyuhyun wipes his tears and kisses his forehead. “I’m sorry.” He mutters and he whispers it over and over again and Sungmin doesn’t understand why, can’t grasp the reason why but his heart seems to know exactly why because his heart is hurting.
“Just - Just promise me you won’t leave me, Marcus. I love you so much.” Sungmin says as he envelopes Kyuhyun in his arms once more. Kyuhyun lets out a shaky breath and Sungmin knows he’s trying to stop himself from crying. There is something Kyuhyun isn’t telling him and he knows it’s not a good thing but he can’t ask Kyuhyun because he’s afraid to know what it is.
“I promise. I promise.” Kyuhyun kisses the top of his head. “I love you, too.”
They stay together for as long as they can, for as long as they’re allowed to be with each other. It is only until work has them separating from each other that they finally will themselves off the bed and out into the real world. Sungmin comforts himself with the thought that Kyuhyun can’t leave him, aside from the promise they’ve made, they’ve been together for the longest time, they’ve ran far away from home, they can’t be found and they will not be found.
Every night after that, Sungmin waits for Kyuhyun to come home, prays for Kyuhyun to come home because it is always Kyuhyun who comes home last. Kyuhyun doesn’t notice the desperation in Sungmin, the growing need to have Kyuhyun by his side and Sungmin knows it’s because Kyuhyun is trying his best to avoid the situation, avoid having to face what could be and what will be.
Sungmin is starting to remember. He’s began to remember everything he needs to remember and his heart can’t take it. He doesn’t know why he has to remember. What’s the point, he screams when he wakes up from the memories he’s grown to call nightmares. They started out sweet but now they’re haunting him, haunting his every being, leaving him holding on to Kyuhyun, holding on to the promises. But even the promises are starting to lose their meaning, starting to fade and Sungmin’s grip is loosening.
“Vincent!”
Kyuhyun screams as Sungmin blacks out. Sungmin vaguely hears the voice before he’s brought back into his dream world where the memories will eat him alive.
It’s dark, it’s black and Sungmin doesn’t know why he’s here.
He wakes up next to Kyuhyun who’s close to tears.
Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything as he embraces Sungmin, wraps his arms tight around Sungmin. “Never do that.” He whispers and Sungmin’s crying.
Sungmin’s crying because when he blacked out something happened. Something very important happened and he can’t remember what it is. He can’t remember. So he holds on to Kyuhyun for as long as possible, holds on to this person he loves with all his heart because he knows one day, deep down he knows, that no matter how hard he holds on to him, Kyuhyun will leave him.
||
It’s been more than five years since they’ve been together. They’re celebrating on a random day when there’s a letter delivered to their home. The envelope is formal and they both look at each other because even though they were expecting it, they didn’t see it coming so soon.
It’s addressed to Kyuhyun so Kyuhyun opens the envelope and reads the letter that is from his family.
Kyuhyun smiles sadly at Sungmin and Sungmin knows its time. Kyuhyun kisses Sungmin and whispers ‘I love you’ as he pulls away. Kyuhyun doesn’t tell Sungmin what’s on the letter and Sungmin has to wait until Kyuhyun is sleeping to read the letter.
Sungmin cries himself to sleep that night.
Kyuhyun’s father has died and their family needs Kyuhyun. They’re willing to forgive Kyuhyun and receive him back into the family if he will leave Sungmin behind. The need for Kyuhyun to come back is stressed though.
Sungmin cries because he knows the right thing to do will be to send Kyuhyun back, all on his own, without Sungmin because Kyuhyun’s family needs him. It hurts because their families can never accept the people they love. Sungmin has been disowned and so he won’t have anywhere to go, Kyuhyun is all he has. He cries as more realizations hit and a blurred conversation flashes in his mind and he knows it’s from that time that he passed out.
The memory passes and he still can’t figure out just what it was and so he cries again. He cries until he can no longer breathe, until no more tears spill out and the morning has finally seeped in.
Sungmin smiles and lets Kyuhyun love him all week long. Sungmin pretends it’s not their last moments. They don’t talk about the letter. He doesn’t force Kyuhyun to go but he doesn’t stop him either. Kyuhyun communicates with him through their eyes and emotions. They don’t need words to know that Kyuhyun will say goodbye because they’ve known all along this was to come.
In the end no matter how hard Sungmin prays, the past will repeat itself.
Kyuhyun is gone when Sungmin wakes up. There’s a letter on the dresser and all it says is ‘I will always love you.’
Sungmin cries. He cries until his heart bleeds out all the pain and he can’t feel anything anymore. He closes his eyes and he feels like he’s falling, feels like he’s flying and he sees Kyuhyun’s smile, hears him say ‘I love you’ one last time and everything turns black.
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