Round 12: All Over Again (Part 2/2)
China; 1900s;
Sungmin wakes up to the sound of rustling bed sheets. He slowly opens his eyes and is blinded by the sunlight his window showers him with. He gets up and he feels the sheets fall off of his skin. He runs a hand through his hair as memories dance around his mind.
A fond smile paints itself on his lips as vivid images of yesterday night's escapade appear. A warmth that he's always felt envelopes him and threatens to swallow him whole but he doesn't mind because the feeling gives him bliss. He turns to face the empty space beside him, slides his hands through cold, crumpled sheets and buries himself in it. He inhales anything and everything he can and it feels like he never left. It feels like Kyuhyun is still lying down beside him, enveloping him in his warm embrace.
A knock on the door breaks him free from his thoughts and he quickly shuffles around his room to pick up his night garment. It takes a while for him to let the servant in and he panics for a moment as he waits who the intruder might be.
"Good morning, Your Highness" Kyuhyun greets him with a warm smile and a low bow and Sungmin grins and stops himself from throwing himself at the arms of his lover.
"Good morning, Kui Xian." He simply replies and for a moment they just stare into each other’s eyes because they don't need words, they just need each other.
Sungmin stands up and takes small steps forward and Kyuhyun does the same. It's almost as if they've thought this whole thing out, who knows, maybe they did in some other lifetime.
Kyuhyun tucks a lock of Sungmin's hair behind his ear and caresses his cheek. Sungmin presses the hand closer to him and kisses the inside of Kyuhyun's palm. Kyuhyun is only centimeters away from him now. If Sungmin were to go on the tip of his toes, he'd be able to feel Kyuhyun's lips on his. So he does. And the feeling is, as always, magical.
||
"Sheng Min," Kyuhyun whispers to call Sungmin's attention. Sungmin opens his eyes sleepily. He's drawing lazy patterns on Kyuhyun's bare chest and kisses it occasionally. He smiles up at Kyuhyun but doesn't stop his ministrations.
Kyuhyun puts a hand on his fingers and plants a kiss on the tip of his fingers. He whispers, “Stop that, it’s very distracting.”
Sungmin giggles and nuzzles Kyuhyun’s nose.
“Is that all you wanted to say?”
Kyuhyun shakes his head and looks into Sungmin’s eyes and Sungmin can see the seriousness in them. It almost scares him to look into Kyuhyun’s eyes. He doesn’t turn away though. He looks on and on and slowly drowns himself in those pools of brown.
“Do you ever wonder what it will be like?” Kyuhyun asks as he wraps an arm around Sungmin’s waist. Sungmin knows there’s more to the question, that this isn’t Kyuhyun’s question but an introduction. Sungmin sighs as he inches towards Kyuhyun’s warmth.
“Yes, you know I have. You know I always do.” Sungmin replies and there’s a desperate tone in his voice.
Kyuhyun envelopes him in his arms as if to apologize and Sungmin knows he’s guilty for asking but that won’t stop him from asking the real questions.
“How long do you think we have before we -“
Kyuhyun doesn’t get to finish his question because Sungmin is kissing him hard and urgent. Kyuhyun pushes Sungmin away because it’s not right.
“Sheng Min.” Kyuhyun lightly reprimands but his gaze softens when he sees that Sungmin’s eyes are glazed with unshed tears.
“Please, Kui Xian. I just regained all of my memories. I - I don’t want to think about the past. I want to think about this, us, now, the present.” Sungmin fights.
Kyuhyun apologizes with a soft sigh and brings Sungmin close to his chest kissing the top of his head.
“I know this is hard for you since you always have to remember things at a time and by the time you remember everything, you start to lose me or vice versa. I’m sorry.”
Sungmin shakes his head as he lets the tears fall on Kyuhyun’s bare chest. It’s unfair how knowledgeable Kyuhyun is with their situation because he remembers everything the moment he can think straight. It’s unfair because by the time Sungmin’s pieced the mystery in his heart, it’s when everything starts to go wrong.
“I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun whispers.
||
Sungmin wonders when their time will come and who will die this time. He wonders how they’ll be separated. He sighs as he waits on the days and years. He looks up at the beautiful blue sky and wishes for the nth time for things to be different.
There is the gut wrenching feeling inside of him that tells him just how things will end. It’s a fear he’s had since he could remember who Kyuhyun was in his life. Because Sungmin is the son of the emperor and Kyuhyun is his manservant. He wonders if in his next lifetime he will think of this as a cliché love story. Because his love story with Kyuhyun is so predictable. Their destinies are literally mapped out for them, written in stone, to repeat for the rest of the years of the world.
“Sheng Min,” Kyuhyun whispers and Sungmin looks at him with soft eyes. It’s been a while since they last saw each other because Sungmin has been busy attending to his princely duties. A warm smile welcomes Sungmin and he moves as if to embrace Kyuhyun but stops himself in time because they’re out in the open, in the castles. People might see.
“Welcome home.” Kyuhyun bows and Sungmin nods in return. He walks away back to his room and knows Kyuhyun is following him.
They are just about to enter and Sungmin’s just about to wrap his arms around Kyuhyun when Kyuhyun shakes his head and gives him a solemn smile.
“Your father has requested your presence.” He softly tells Sungmin and Sungmin feels his heart plummets to the floor.
There are warning bells in his mind, as if telling him that the time has come. He gasps in surprise and tries to calm himself and he looks into Kyuhyun’s solemn but encouraging eyes and he knows Kyuhyun knows the time has come.
Sungmin tries not to cry as he heads to his father’s chambers. He braces himself for whatever news his father has for him. His father eyes him, scrutinizing him as he enters and Sungmin knows whatever the conversation is, it’s not good.
“Sit.” His father commands and Sungmin obeys.
Their conversation is short, but stern; threatening and yet expected. Sungmin tries to breathe as he exits the room. He tries not to crumble until he’s reached his room and finds that he can’t.
His father has threatened Kyuhyun. His father has known, has always known. Sungmin crawls on the floor to try to get to his room. If he doesn’t marry, his father will have Kyuhyun killed.
He faints.
When Sungmin opens his eyes, he finds Kyuhyun smiling up at him, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, it isn’t as bright as they used to be and it’s breaking his heart.
“Did - did father talk to you?” Kyuhyun only nods in response and Sungmin feels like someone has stepped on his heart.
“Kui Xian, what are we going to do?” Sungmin pleads and Kyuhyun shakes his head as Sungmin holds on to his arm.
“You will marry her, Sheng Min.” Kyuhyun tries to stop his voice from breaking. “You will forget about me. This is how it’s meant to be.”
“What do you mean forget? We both know that’s not true! Kui Xian! We don’t forget, we don’t move on! We die with the pain and regret!” Sungmin screams as flashbacks of the past race around his head. The times when Kyuhyun had to die, when it was Kyuhyun who got killed or killed himself, the memories of all those past Sungmins who had tried to live on normally but always found himself dying slowly and painfully with guilt.
The ones left behind don’t die as easily as they would like, that’s how things have always been for them.
“Kui Xian please, I - I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again.” Sungmin pleads but they both know it’s pointless because this was set in stone, that their destinies flaw is what the world thrives on.
Kyuhyun embraces Sungmin as tightly as possible. “Alright.”
They know it’s a promise. They also know it’s a lie. Because no matter how far they run, their fate will always catch up to them.
||
They have no idea how long they’ve been running, how far they’ve managed to go just to escape the future that is to come.
Sungmin is jolted awake at the sound of his father entering his room and he’s being pulled out of his chambers and the grip of his father is tight around his arm and he tries to pry it away but his father has always been strong.
“Sheng Min! You are testing my patience! I have no other choice but to do this!” His father screams as he throws a dishevelled Sungmin forward on the ground. In front of him is Kyuhyun tied and kneeling on the floor and behind him is their executioner with his sword in his hand.
Sungmin turns to his father with tears in his eyes, “Father! Please! Please! Don’t kill him! I’ll marry her! I’ll marry her! Father!”
“No! He has to die so you can stop disgracing our family name. I want you to watch as your lover dies. The next time you step out of line, it won’t just be your lover, it will be you.” His father forces his head to face Kyuhyun who’s crying and smiling as he looks into Sungmin’s eyes.
Kyuhyun mouths the words ‘I love you’ in Japanese, English, French, and just about any language they’ve learned so that his father can’t understand and Sungmin responds with so much strength but he can’t save Kyuhyun with ‘I love you’s .
The sword swings and Sungmin closes his eyes.
3. Sungmin stays in love with Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun stays in love with Sungmin.
Korea; Present day;
It is inescapable.
The voice is familiar yet distant.
You will never have your happy ending.
It’s deep and loud and it makes Sungmin tremble. He tries to open his eyes but finds that he doesn’t even know if they’re open or closed because all he can see is darkness. Endless blackness.
The world thrives on your never-ending story.
Sungmin snaps his eyes open, he’s panting and sweating and he runs a hand through his hair. He tries to calm down his heartbeat. He takes deep breaths and exhales loudly and wipes the sweat on his forehead with his arm.
He’s been hearing the voice a lot more recently. Maybe it’s because his memories are complete, he doesn’t know for sure. He lies back down and closes his eyes because it’s too early for him to be awake. He tries to go back to sleep but the idea of hearing the voice again scares him. The voice is no dream, it’s not a memory either. It’s a warning.
He opens his eyes, staring up at his ceiling but not really seeing his ceiling. It was the dream that he had once, the one he couldn’t remember that lifetime but now it haunts him life after life, haunts him when all his memories are complete and he can’t shake it away, can’t escape it. It's always warning him. He doesn’t understand why. It’s not like he doesn’t know what’s to come.
The door opens softly and he’s mildly surprised to see Kyuhyun entering his bedroom. Kyuhyun gives him a sort of tired smile as he approaches Sungmin’s bed. Sungmin closes his eyes because all of a sudden he can feel the strain of crying himself to sleep. A dip in his bed tells him Kyuhyun is sitting beside him and the warmth his lover emanates helps him calm down from the fear of what is to come.
Kyuhyun tangles his fingers with his wet tresses. Kyuhyun places a soft kiss on his forehead, “I’m sorry.” He whispers, his lips centimeters away from his and then he kisses him softly. Sungmin doesn’t open his eyes, won’t open them because he might cry at the sight of his lover. He can tell from the moment Kyuhyun walked in that he’s been feeling the same as Sungmin. Afraid. Hopeless. Desperate.
“It’s ok.” Sungmin whispers even though they both know they don’t need words for confirmation. Sungmin opens his eyes and he feels the puffiness in them for the first time. He looks at Kyuhyun and tries to smile and Kyuhyun tries to smile as well. They must seem really pathetic right now. At that thought, a laugh escapes his lips. It’s a real enough laugh and it catches Kyuhyun off guard.
“Why are you laughing?” He asks Sungmin and Sungmin has to calm down before he can answer.
“Because look at us, we’re so pathetic.” His voice barely manages from breaking at the last part. He sighs and there are no more traces of laughter around him, it was almost as if it wasn’t happiness but the reality of the situation that made him laugh, the insanity of it all.
“Why don’t we go out today? We both have no work, what do you say?” Kyuhyun offers and Sungmin doesn’t have to see Kyuhyun to know he’s smiling. He mulls over Kyuhyun’s words and thinks that his
boyfriend has a point.
“Okay,” he replies softly and then proceeds to get ready.
It doesn’t take long for Sungmin to get ready. He checks himself out in the mirror and notes that his eyes are still swollen. Kyuhyun tells him he looks breathtaking and that puts a small smile on his lips. Kyuhyun slips his fingers in between Sungmin’s and they walk out of the depressing place that is Sungmin’s apartment.
Sungmin doesn’t know where Kyuhyun is taking him and he doesn’t ask. During the ride they sing that Japanese song their past life once wrote. It’s a happy song about cherry blossoms, spring and love and it doesn’t match the air around them. It’s winter and there are no cherry blossoms. Still it makes Sungmin feel a little light.
They stop at a cliff on the outskirts of Seoul and the sky is so blue despite it being winter. Sungmin is fascinated by the sight. He has never been to this part of the city. He exits the car as quickly as possible and stands a little on the edge of the cliff. The idea of falling off the cliff hits him when he realizes there will be no one stopping him from falling. Kyuhyun appears by his side and holds his hand as if to stop him from jumping. He smiles brightly at Kyuhyun and envelops him in his arms.
The cold winter air bites their skin but they don’t notice because their warmth is enough to heat them up. The layers of clothing they had on did nothing to stop spreading the warmth.
“I found this last night.” Kyuhyun whispers as he slowly lets Sungmin go. Sungmin doesn’t have to guess to know that Kyuhyun meant that he found this last night by driving without a direction in mind. Sungmin just smiles at Kyuhyun to tell him it’s ok because Kyuhyun is still ok.
“It’s beautiful.” Sungmin whispers as their foreheads touch.
“You should see the sunset here. It will take your breath away.” Kyuhyun replies as he holds Sungmin in his arms.
“I love you.” Sungmin says and Kyuhyun kisses him and it’s all it takes for Sungmin to know that Kyuhyun loves him as well.
They don’t need words; they’ve long since stopped needing words.
||
They’re eating lunch at the nearest diner and are quite happy it’s a bit deserted because they’re making fools of themselves by playing with their food.
“Kyuhyun stop it!” Sungmin half-whispers half-shouts. Kyuhyun just smirks at Sungmin as he begins to paint Sungmin’s cheeks with his whipped cream stained finger.
The waitress laughs and Sungmin feels like burying himself right then and there.
Once Sungmin’s face is painted with a heart whipped cream, Kyuhyun proceeds to lick it and it takes all of Sungmin’s strength to push Kyuhyun away because public displays of affection was never really his thing but in the end Kyuhyun succeeds and Sungmin can feel the eyes of the staff of the diner on them. He really hates Kyuhyun today.
They exit the diner with an amusing look from the waitress and Sungmin has the decency to be embarrassed but Kyuhyun just smiles smugly.
They plan on spending the rest of the day by the cliff and just taking a breather from life. They ordered takeouts to last them for the next few hours before they decide to go back home and face reality. Kyuhyun seems to have planned everything out because the next thing Sungmin knows is they’re wrapped comfortably in a blanket, the warmth of Kyuhyun warming his body and the blanket on the ground soft enough to actually make sleeping possible.
“What do you dream about recently, Min?” Kyuhyun asks but he’s staring far into the distance where the horizon is. Sungmin looks at the faraway look in his lover’s eyes and knows that Kyuhyun is asking not because he wants to know but because he wants to confirm something.
“I dream about -“ Sungmin takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and feels Kyuhyun’s arm tighten his hold on his waist, “There is a man who tells me the reason for our existence. He tells me that the reason why this happens to us is because there isn’t enough imperfection in the world to balance perfection and that’s where we come in.”
Sungmin sighs and opens his eyes because when he closes his eyes he can see the man who looks at him a little sadly as if it’s his fault Sungmin and Kyuhyun are like this. Sungmin thinks that it isn’t impossible.
“Does he tell you that the imperfections of our relationship are what make the world balanced?” Kyuhyun asks and Sungmin nods.
Kyuhyun sighs.
“When did you first know?” Kyuhyun asks.
“That time in Paris, when I blacked out but I couldn’t remember, that’s what I saw. And now, I dream about it every time when my memories are complete.” Sungmin replies and he doesn’t look Kyuhyun in the eye. “What about you?”
“On the day that I met you in the cherry blossom forest.”
Sungmin is shocked to find out that Kyuhyun has always known.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“It doesn’t make a difference if you think about it. Sooner or later, one of us will die and whoever gets left behind is left to fend for himself and try to live and fail. It won’t change and it will never change.”
“What if,” Kyuhyun begins and he turns Sungmin’s head to face his, “What if he appears in our dreams for a reason? What if he’s warning us because he wants us to do something with what we’ve got?” Kyuhyun tells him and Sungmin can see the hope in his eyes and this is the first time he’s seen Kyuhyun look as though he’s been hoping, wishing for things to change in all their lifetimes together.
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say, Kyuhyun.” Sungmin pointedly tells him.
“Sungmin, what if we can still have our happy ending?” At this Sungmin’s attention is fully on Kyuhyun’s.
“What do you mean, Kyuhyun?”
“Don’t you get it, Sungmin? We’re being warned because whoever is warning us wants us to be happy! We don’t need to wallow in depression even though we know at any given time one of us will disappear because in the next lifetime we will still be together!”
“Our story has the perfect ending. I know you don’t believe in happy endings anymore but we can still have happy endings, we can have millions of them because our story is never ending, and we can have a million happy memories that will outlast the sad ones. We shouldn’t linger on the pain that comes with our fate because in the end, we will always find our way back to each other in the next lifetime.”
Sungmin thinks about what Kyuhyun’s said, digests the words and tries to understand. It makes sense and at the same time it doesn’t. He wants to cry because at one point, Kyuhyun is right. Why does he focus on the negative thing that’s to come when he knows that the next time he opens his eyes, he will be able to spend another lifetime with Kyuhyun, it doesn’t matter how short the moments are, because it is with Kyuhyun, it will always be with Kyuhyun.
“A happy ending for a story that never ends.” Sungmin whispers. Sungmin feels tears prick his eyes at the realization. He has been living life after life not seeing the brighter side of it. He embraces Kyuhyun tightly and lets the tears fall.
“I love you, Sungmin.”
“I love you, Kyuhyun.”
The sun is just about to set when they pull apart. The orange hues mixing with the blues takes Sungmin’s breath away.
“It’s beautiful.” Sungmin says as he and Kyuhyun both stand at the edge of the cliff staring at the sky. He looks at Kyuhyun and finds that Kyuhyun is looking at him with loving eyes and a small smile.
Kyuhyun pretends to hold a camera and pretends to click as if to capture Sungmin looking at him like that.
“What are you doing?” Sungmin asks as he holds Kyuhyun’s hand in his.
“I’m taking a mental picture, because the sunset’s glow on you is beautiful.” Kyuhyun leans down and whispers, “You’re beautiful.”
Sungmin looks at Kyuhyun and takes a mental picture of his own. He’ll never forget this face, this face that screams of a million happy endings and a million happy memories.
Kyuhyun holds Sungmin in his arms.
“Do you trust me?” Kyuhyun gazes at Sungmin and Sungmin can see all the love Kyuhyun has for him and he smiles at Kyuhyun.
“Yes.”
“Do you believe in happy endings?”
“Yes.” Sungmin smiles widely and wraps his arms tighter around Kyuhyun.
Sungmin feels the wind as they fall, sees Kyuhyun’s face as he closes his eyes.
Memories of all their lives flash before his eyes and he realizes how everything is the same. It’s all the same: how they have to fall in love, break apart and start all over again all those lifetimes. But it’s ok because when they open their eyes, they’ll be able to live another lifetime with each other and maybe this time, and the lifetimes to come, they’ll die in each other’s arms as well.
Poll Round 12: All Over Again