Round 06: Grace (Part 1/2)
Title: Grace
Team: AU
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: SHINee
Pairing: Onew/Key, Onew/Luna
Summary: Jinki had been the one who gave Kibum a second shot at life, and in turn, Kibum wanted more than anything to present him with something he wanted the most in life, a family.
Prompt Used: Ailee - I will show you / supplementary prompt ("That's the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good, fucking life." - Chuck Palahniuk)
The cold, chilly wind of October welcomed Kibum as he walked out of his office, relieved that the day's hours was over. As he drove along the streets of Seoul, he began to notice just how the colors of the season had begun to set into town. Earth was blanketed in splatters of red and gold over greens, nature's grace against the incoming harsh winter's cold.
A sudden melancholy hit the man, as he stopped on the red light, and realized how his life had been taking a turn into a good direction in a mere few years. Less than a decade before, Kibum reminisced, he wouldn't have bothered to enjoy the beauty of nature. He wouldn't have thought that he could live the life he was living; he was too absorbed in all negativities, trying to drown himself in intoxication and parties. That was, until Jinki literally walked into his life; an angel with white robe who had saved him from death.
Kibum had been a student then, misguided one with all the wrong connection, and Jinki was in his last year of residency. They had met during an eventful night when Kibum was dragged into the ER, sweating cold and unconscious, and Jinki could tell right away that he was going through alcohol poisoning. Jinki was the one who performed stomach pump on him; the one who stayed on his bedside all night to check on his stats, and was the first person Kibum saw when he woke up the next morning. Jinki was asleep then, his mouth slacked wide and the thick-rimmed glass hung dangerously on his nose. He looked like any other nerd Kibum had known, messy hair, dirty robe and pimples. But in Kibum’s eyes, Jinki was the handsomest person.
They talked everyday during Kibum’s stay. He listened to Kibum’s ramble about the lack of purpose in his life, and shyly provided his insight. Jinki was the one who helped Kibum to explain to his parents about why their son had needed a rehab, and saved him from being taken back to his hometown.
"I don't know why you treat me so kindly, but thank you. God know that if i come home with my parents now, i will never escape their perdicament. I will never get the chance to absolve myself." Kibum had thanked him right after they bid farewell to Kibum's parents who were returning back to their hometown.
“It’s for my personal interest, really...” Jinki replied, his face was blushingly red. “It will be hard for me to ask you out for coffee if you were in Daegu.”
Kibum had said ‘yes’ right away, not bothered to wait until Jinki officially asked him, and they were inseparable ever since. Together they had built their life; Kibum straightened up, Jinki finished his residency and became a pediatrician, they moved in together on the day Kibum officially became a public prosecutor.
It had been more than five years since the night at the ER, and life for the two of them had never gone awry. Kibum smiled upon the thought. Jinki was his turning point, his gravity. His gentleness and sincerity had provided Kibum with more reason to live, to fight. Jinki was his happiness. And Kibum thought it was his turn to give a reason for Jinki to be happy.
Kibum handed his car key to the valet parking guy, smiling thankfully as he slipped some bills into the guy's hand. The maître d’ took him to a table at the center of the restaurant, where Jinki had seated together with a girl, both who couldn't help to hide their awkwardness.
"I'm sorry I'm late," Kibum said as he settled on his chair and leaned to kiss his partner. "Have you guys ordered?"
"Umm...not yet. We were-" He glanced uneasily to the girl besides him, "we were waiting for you."
Kibum noticed the uneasy tone in Jinki's statement and glanced at his two guests. "I'm sorry, it must have been awkward for you. Luna, meet my partner Jinki. He's a doctor at Seoul University Hospital." Kibum smiled at the girl, who in response to Kibum's introduction, smiled and offered her hand.
"I met Luna in a case; she's one of the key witnesses. She works with the Victim Protection Department."
Jinki nodded upon the explanation. During the next few minutes, the table fell into another silence in which Kibum tried to engage his guests into a conversation. Although it seemed tricky at first, with Jinki and Luna being strangers, it seemed that things had ruled to favor him that night. The icy and foreign atmosphere around the table slowly dissolved by the time their order came, and they were busy praising their food. Jinki and Luna were talking about vegetables and nutrition; Luna told them that she came from a family of farmers, spending her childhood chasing chickens and picking ripe tomatoes from their tree. In return, Jinki shared the story of the brief time he got to spend in a farm, during when his parents were too busy to saving their business and that he had to stay with his relatives.
Kibum silently sipped on his wine and stared at the two people who were deep in discussion about the changes in agricultural technology, enjoying how the ease slowly calmed his anxiety. He was happy that somehow they had found a common ground to talk on, and feeling optimistic that things could improve still.
It was a good start, Kibum thought. it could have been worse, but it wasn’t.
“So...what was it all about?” Jinki said, as they settled in bed that night.
Kibum didn’t reply right away, choosing to settle comfortably first-nestled by Jinki’s side, draping his arm over the older man’s chest. “Hmm? What makes you think I have something in mind?”
“I don’t know...” Jinki played with his hair. “Your evident smile when Luna and I began to talk, maybe? Or perhaps the fact that I know you too well?”
Kibum smiled against his lover’s chest, tightening his embrace. “Hyung, you know I love you, right?”
“Of course. You never allow me to forget for even a second.” Jinki yelped when Kibum hit him, “Alright, what is it?”
Kibum paused for a second then whispered. “I want a baby.”
“A baby? I thought you didn’t want to adopt?”
“I don’t.” Kibum shifted to stare at his partner’s face, recognizing the questions in his eyes. “Jinki, I want your baby.”
Jinki yawned as he donned his robe and got ready for his rounds; he was unable to sleep well the night before. The pile of charts on his desk were left untouched; he was late to arrive at the hospital this morning, and he had spent what time left before his shift began to grab some food. As he munched on his vending machine sandwich (nothing close to those Kibum usually made him), he recalled Kibum’s dejected look when he refused the breakfast his partner had prepared. However, as guilty as he was, he still couldn’t handle to seat on the same table, and stare at Kibum’s face. Not after what Kibum had asked the night before.
Jinki closed his eyes as his head began to ache.
Kibum’s request was something he couldn’t have anticipated. It was so sudden, like a thunderstorm on the clear blue sky. God, Jinki was so mad, when he found out that the dinner was something Kibum had carefully planned to introduce him to Luna, the woman Kibum had hoped to be the surrogate to carry his child. Jinki had refused to listen to any of Kibum’s explanation the night before and turned his back, wishing for sleep that wouldn't come.
That time, his pager suddenly beeped. Jinki glanced at the device and sighed. His round had started.
The fragrant smell of homemade cooking welcomed him home, and his stomach growled. He found his partner in the kitchen, donning his turqoise apron and cooked while whistling the tune from the Broadway version of Rock of Age musical-his favorite. Jinki couldn’t help but marveled at how beautiful the man was, how happy Jinki had been since they got together.
Then, the thought of Kibum’s request returned.
Jinki couldn’t shake it off, no matter what. He couldn’t help but think how ridiculous the request was, how Kibum could even come up with the idea of him having a child with someone else. He began to wonder if it was simply a charade Kibum had put on to test his loyalty. However, Jinki knew the younger man too well, and such insecurity toward their relationship was nowhere in Kibum’s dictionary. Kibum’s faith in Jinki was more than he could ever trust himself. It was the foundation of the relationship-the very thing that made them stayed strong together for years.
“Hyung,”
Jinki looked up and saw that Kibum had noticed his arrival; the younger man stood tentatively by the dinner table, with a look that was of anxiety.
“Hey,” Jinki forced a smile. “Can I skip the shower and have dinner now? I’m really hungry.”
Kibum nodded, pulling the chair for Jinki. They ate their dinner in silence; conversing mainly about the account of what happened during the day. Kibum didn’t bring out the baby subject, and Jinki felt thankful. When they finished their meal, Jinki offered to wash the dishes, but Kibum refused. He told Jinki to take a shower instead, joking on how he couldn’t stand the older man’s hospital-like smell.
When Jinki finished showering, Kibum had changed into sweatpants and t-shirt. His face was bare, and under the minimum light, Jinki couldn’t help but noticing just how frail he looked actually. Kibum walked toward him, his arms extended, and Jinki found himself surrendering. He took Kibum into his arms, closing his eyes and allowing the younger man’s scent-of fabric softener and sunshine, the scent of home-penetrated into his sense.
“I just want you to be happy, hyung.” Kibum whispered. He adamantly tightened his embrace when he felt Jinki’s body tensed.
“I don’t want to rob you off anything you could have had. I still can’t forgive myself for the fact that your parents had severed their ties when you decided to stay with me. And I can’t bear the thought that you will never have a child of your own, just because you’re trying to protect my feeling. I don’t want to be the reason why you can’t be happier...”
The end of Kibum statement came out almost inaudible as the younger man began to cry. A feeling of helplessness washed over Jinki when slowly, he felt his partner’s body shuddered inside his embrace.
Jinki wished he could tell Kibum that everything was going to be fine. Such a statement, however, simply wouldn’t materialize, because Jinki knew that it would be a lie. Because in all honesty, never before had he felt so lost.
After that night, they had let the matter freeze. Kibum returned to his usual happy self, and Jinki felt that his partner had somehow gotten over with the idea. However, he couldn’t help but recognizing the longing in Kibum’s eyes whenever he saw a young family with children whenever they went out together. He couldn’t dismiss the thought that maybe, instead of only having the sole reason to make him happy, Kibum had really wanted a child-his child-in their life.
Jinki couldn’t help but beginning to imagine how wonderful it would be to have their house filled with the sound of a baby’s cry, the joy they could have together in witnessing the important moments in the child’s life. Jinki couldn’t stop thinking what a wonderful parent Kibum would be-with his endless love, his affectionate nature, and his discipline. But most of all, Jinki couldn’t shake away the thought that having a child on his own was indeed something he had wanted the most in life.
It was one afternoon in late autumn, as they strolled along the Han River Park, when Kibum stopped to watch a toddler on his tricycle, trying to chase after her father. Kibum had unconsciously tightened his grip on Jinki’s fingers, and his eyes sparkled as he breathlessly muttered encouragement toward the child.
Jinki stared at him, and saw the overflowing love and longing in Kibum’s eyes. That time, he knew he could no longer deny Kibum from his happiness. Their happiness.
“Kibum-ah...” He called.
“Hmm...” Kibum slowly turned to face him. “Yes, hyung?”
“You know...I think we will make great parents.”
Jinki witnessed Kibum’s eyes widened in disbelief. He squeezes Kibum’s fingers in his grasp, and with such assurance, Kibum’s eyes became glassy with tears. It didn’t take long until the younger man squealed in happiness and rushed into his embrace.
Convincing Jinki was one thing, but explaining their intention to Luna was an entirely different matter. While Jinki was his partner-the man he loved, someone Kibum would trust his life with, Luna was basically a stranger.
Kibum had met her during one of the case of Domestic Violence. Luna who worked as a volunteer at the Victim Protection Center had been his liaison; she helped him to communicate with his client, a young woman who had been badly abused by her husband to the point that she gave a stillbirth. Kibum had admired her; Luna was almost five years younger than him, a young woman of 24, and yet she had shown dedication and sincerity in her work.
“I was one of them.” Luna had answered when Kibum asked her why she was so devoted to her volunteer job, even if it hadn’t paid her much. ”I got trapped in an abusive relationship as soon as I moved to Seoul. I know how they feel-it wasn’t all about the beating, but the emotional torture it inflicts. While you can see the superficial wounds, what happens inside the victims of DV runs even deeper.”
In between the hours Kibum spent to counsel his client, he managed to become friends with Luna, and learned so much about her. Before the tragedy, she was a student with bright future in performing art, and also the pride of her family. Even though in the end she escaped the horrible relationship, she had lost it all. And while she managed to cope with the post-traumatic stress, volunteering is the only thing that salvaged her soul.
”I wish I can go to school again...” Kibum had once heard Luna said. “I want to study law or medic, so that I can help them more.”
Through the years Kibum got to know her, apart from the strength that she demonstrated, Luna had been exceptionally kind and compassionate. Kibum couldn’t expect a more perfect candidate for the surrogacy. He imagined how the baby would be so fortunate to be born from Jinki and Luna, and how proud he would be to raise it, love it as his own. At the same time, he was thinking of a way to help Luna achieving her dream.
“Let me get this straight...” Luna said. Confusion was what she felt when Kibum’s invitation for lunch turned out to be something entirely different than the innocent get-together she had expected. “You’re asking me to-have a baby with Jinki-ssi. However, once the baby is born, I’m supposed to waive my right as its legal guardian in exchange of some material compensation?”
“That’s surrogacy in a nutshell, yeah.”
Kibum bit his lips. The way Luna summarized his explanation made the process sounded heartless. However, there was no mistake in her interpretation-nothing that required him to correct. Trying to explain it otherwise than the way Luna had phrased would simply be sugarcoating, and Kibum had wanted to be honest from the start.
Luna seemed concerned. “I know you guys are good people. I like you-as friends, as human being. Your devotion toward each other is something I rarely see, even in straight, married couples. I’m sure you will make wonderful parents. But why surrogacy?”
“Because I want the baby to be Jinki’s.”
“But...don’t you-feel jealous at all, Kibum-ssi? I mean...your partner-and a woman together..."
Kibum smiled. “Let me tell you something about my partner. He’s the type of man who puts family as the center of his universe. And yet, it has been years since the last time he spoke to his parents. The reason of such situation is none other than me. I know Jinki never blamed me; it was his decision, after all. But I couldn’t help but wanting to be able to do something that will make him happy-happier. So no, jealousy is nothing I account for.”
Luna detected no hesitation in his voice and all the argument of refusal she had prepared crumbled before her eyes. And yet, what Kibum asked from her was something big. Luna realized that the consequence of agreeing is her having a permanent relation with both Kibum and Jinki. It wasn’t something she had expected.
“First of all, I want to know...” Luna asked, her voice faint. “If I were to agree, what will I get out of it? I mean...this might come across as me being greedy, but what will this arrangement benefit me?”
Kibum did not reply right away. He took out an A4 sized manila envelope from his bag and placed it on the table. The smile on his face somehow provided Luna with reassurance.
“We would never think of you in such light, Luna. I’m glad that you shared your worries, and it will be better if in the future-should the surrogacy happens-you are willing to open up to us about your need and want.” Kibum sipped his coffee before continuing, “Regarding your concern, Jinki and I had come up with a sort of draft for contractual arrangement. It’s just a rough idea of what we’re willing to commit ourselves to, as well as what we’re ready to provide you.”
Luna took the manila envelope and curiously took out what was inside. Kibum chuckled upon her action.
“Feel free to add your own clauses, and ask for inputs from your counselor. I think you know one or two people who are willing to help you. You also might want to ask around about Jinki and I-you know, finding out if we have skeletons in our closet. I assure there is none-we're good people and honest taxpayer, but you better make yourself sure.”
Luna nodded absentmindedly, unresponsive toward Kibum's attempt to joke. Her eyes scanned carefully over the paper. Kibum watched how her expression changed from time to time, and he felt the anxiety was overbearing.
“Listen,” Kibum took her hand, seemingly to understand her perplexedness. “I’m not asking you to decide right away. Think about it carefully, because it might be the decision that changes your life.”
Luna sighed heavily, “I will...”
Kibum and Jinki spent more than a month waiting for Luna’s answer, fidgeting and anxious whenever their phones rang. Kibum was tempted to give Luna a call-had tried to key Luna’s number for few times-but Jinki always stopped him, saying that they should not hurry and cloud her judgment. Despite his anxiety, Kibum agreed that calling her might not be the best decision after all.
It was the end of November when they finally heard back from Luna. She finally called and asked to meet them both. Kibum asked if she wanted to have dinner at their house, if she might wanted to know them better, and Luna agreed. She came in a cab, looking equally nervous as them. Her steps as she walked through the threshold of Kibum's and Jinki's house were hesitant, as if the act of entering the house itself might imply to some sort of consequence she had to suffer. Kibum helped her brushed some snow off her coat, and hung it neatly. Jinki accompanied her for small talk over coffee, until Kibum announced that the dinner was ready.
Luna marveled at how delicious Kibum’s cooking was. Jinki chimed in, telling her that he used to be stick thin before Kibum's food helped him to add some mass on just the right places. She watched in a mix of envy and admiration, at how Kibum blushed over Jinki’s encore of praises.
One thing that Luna couldn’t help but noticing was how the couple seemed to gravitate around each other; the lingering touch, the leaning close toward each other when they talked, the way their reflection lived in each other’s eyes. Staring at them from across the small dinner table, Luna became pensive. Her smile faltered, and small creases appeared on her face as she frowned.
Kibum had provided her enough time to think, and she had been thinking. She was surprised upon reading the brief Kibum had prepared. It listed down generous offers; apart from the basic things such as living arrangement and settlement money, it also included things that were Luna’s concerns. She was offered insurance, as well as a college fund should she decide to go back to school. Kibum and Jinki also provided her with a choice to completely waive her right over the baby, or, if she preferred, a joint custody.
Luna had done enough research herself to be able to tell that the offer was more generous than most surrogacy cases. Kibum wasn’t lying when he said that he and Jinki had prepared to take care of her well-being. Going back to school had always been her dream, something she wanted more than everything else. Taking the offer would probably the only chance she could ever get in achieving it. However, Luna had also read enough surrogacy experience articles to understand the psychological risk of the process.
Luna was hurt once in her life, a result of the bad choice she made. She definitely wasn’t going to commit herself to a second mistake.
I wonder if my answer will change their life... She thought. I just hope i'm not making the wrong decision.
"What's on your mind, Luna?"
She looked up from her dessert plate and found that both Kibum and Jinki were staring at her; their look was of concern.
Luna shook her head. "Nothing, I just-" A moment later, she felt her breath hitched. “Can I ask something? Of all people, why me? You could have taken any willing woman. Why me, though?”
Kibum raised his eyebrows in confusion, before the realization dawned on him a second later. “Is it about the surrogacy?” He asked softly.
Luna nodded. “I’m just-I’m sorry...this last month has been very confusing.”
Kibum and jinki exchanged glances from across the table. Their faces grew more nervous as Luna’s face got darkened, and in the end-with Jinki’s approval, Kibum moved to the chair next to Luna. He placed his hand over the woman’s and gave it a light squeeze, and in the midst of her anxiety, Luna felt the warmth from the slight contact spread into her, and the loneliness she had felt ever since the couple had presented her with the outrageous proposal suddenly disappeared.
“I won’t be alone in this, will I?” Luna asked, “Both of you will stay by my side through all the process, won’t you?”
Kibum raised his eyebrows, surprised by the question. “Luna, we wouldn’t even dream to leave you all alone! But-” he paused, suddenly felt too scared to ask. “-does it mean that you are agreed to be our surrogate?”
Kibum held his breath, his heart thumped strongly, and it felt like he had waited forever until Luna quietly nodded. He automatically pulled Luna into a hug-he held her tight and had not let go until Luna held her back-before he turned to Jinki, his partner, who had stood up and waited for him with a bright smile on his handsome face. Kibum rushed into his side, couldn’t care less about the fact that he knocked the chair back, and surrendered into Jinki’s embraced. It was when Kibum cried; his tears were of happiness and absolution, for he had absolved his sin of robbing Jinki away from the dream of having a family.
“You and I, and our baby-we’re going to be the greatest family.”
The three of them signed the legal agreement papers exactly on Jinki's birthday. The couple had left their lawyer as well as Luna baffled over a display of affection, in which Jinki had swooped Kibum into his arms and kissed him full on his mouth, while saying that the younger man had made him the happiest person alive. The three of them took a trip to countryside afterward, and had an early dinner in a quiet but nice restaurant. They popped a champagne bottle, toasted on their health and happiness, and the baby that was going to come into their life. Luna got drunk pretty quickly; she reasoned that it was probably going to be the last chance she had to properly enjoy alcoholic drink, and deliberately drank the alcohol Kibum had generously poured into her flute.
On the insemination day, they drove together to the hospital inside the snow. The ride was quiet and tense; everyone was too nervous to actually start a conversation or even to turn on the radio. Jinki and Kibum waited in the diagnose room of their chosen gynecologist-they held hands despite their sweaty palms-while Luna was undergoing the procedure. She looked pale when the couple came to her after the doctor informed that the procedure was done, and the three of them nervously laughed when Luna cracked a joke about her being too afraid to move for the fear of ruining the process. Kibum and Jinki drove Luna home, each gave Luna a kiss on the forehead before they left, and spent the next week in another agonizing episode of waiting.
The text arrived during dawn, along with an incessant buzz of the phone against the hardwood surface of Kibum's nightstand. He woke up groggily, blindly reached out for both the device and his glasses, inwardly praying that the news that came was nothing bad of sort. It was Luna. She had typed nothing more than two simple words, which-together with the attached picture of a dozen of tiny white sticks with (+) sign-managed to turn Kibum's world upside down.
'I'm pregnant!'
Kibum couldn’t exactly recall when things began to change. One day, he felt like the happiest man on earth, but on one morning he woke up and noticing that things were not exactly the same as it used to be. There was a lingering sadness that clouded his days; the creeping apprehension that grew stronger whenever he stole a glance at Jinki, whenever their skin touched in the darkness of the night.
Kibum tried to shake his feelings away. He tried to drown himself inside the pile of work on his desk, as well as the thought of being able to cradle Jinki's baby in his arms within less than five months. He began to decorate the spare room in his house with pastel-colored wallpaper, filled it with white-painted furniture and stuffed animals, and smiled at how the room turned into a beautiful nursery each day. However, no amount of work or positive thought, or hours he spent decoration could ever dismiss the uneasiness he experienced. Whenever he thought that the feeling was finally gone, or when he felt like he could feel at ease, his anxiousness reappeared. It manifested itself whenever he saw Jinki and Luna together, the two of them in the same picture.
He had tried to convince himself that it was just his insecurity; a lingering sadness over the fact that he was not the one who could give Jinki the baby they wanted. He had been telling himself that Jinki's attention toward Luna was out of kindness and gratitude, nothing more but concern over his unborn baby that grew inside Luna's body. And yet, there were signs-evidence he had conceived with his own eyes and gathered in his mind during the span of several months. He could not disregard how Jinki's touches began to linger, how his smile grew wider, how his face brightened whenever Kibum mentioned that he wanted to come over to Luna's place to check on her. In the corner of his mind, Kibum began to construct the possibility that Jinki's heart had been divided, that it was no longer dedicated to him only.
And still, despite everything he had felt, Kibum believed that Jinki would never do anything to hurt him. They had been through too many things together for Jinki to abandon him; good things, bad happenings, all of which had helped them both to build their relationship with something more than love. Kibum chose to believe that no matter what happened, beyond love, they still have respect, trust, and commitment.
Or perhaps, he simply felt like heneeded to believe.
It was one night during the first week of Luna's last trimester when Kibum had so many things to prepare for his upcoming trial, and failed to meet Jinki after work for their routine visit to Luna's place. She had called them the day before, told them that they might be interested in seeing the baby's last 3D USG picture (it was a boy, she had told them, and Kibum ended up crying in happiness inside Jinki's embrace). Kibum had actually prepared to leave the office earlier, but an important call came through and ruined his plan. He must have sounded very desperate when he talked with Jinki on the phone, because his partner ended up spending more than ten minutes convincing him that he was not a bad parent material simply because such trivial matter.
He arrived home late that night, somewhere past ten, and expected Jinki to have eaten dinner and was waiting for him to go to bed. To his surprise however, the house was still dark, and his car was the only one parked on the driveway. Kibum quickly dialed Jinki's number, not only once but several times, only to reach the older man's mailbox. Kibum found himself pacing around in the darkness of their living room, hating himself for every negative thought that appeared in his mind. And when he finally heard the mechanical hum of Jinki's SUV somewhere around midnight, he couldn't stop himself from running outside and rushed to Jinki's side.
"What happened?" Jinki asked in surprise. "I expect you've gone to bed without me. I thought you're having a hearing trial tomorrow."
"I couldn't sleep." Kibum murmured into Jinki's ear. “You weren't home when I arrived, and I couldn't reach you phone."
"I'm sorry, my phone died a couple hours ago." Jinki said, gently pried himself away from Kibum's arms to take his bag and dirty hospital coat. "I had to stay longer at Luna's. She has been experiencing some discomfort and I wanted to make sure that she's okay."
Kibum's heart sank upon hearing the statement. He knew he was being stupid for taking such things into account, but he couldn't help the nasty dread that emerged at the pit of his stomach. He didn't know how or why, but suddenly he found himself reaching out and caught the back of Jinki's jacket.
"Hyung-" he breathed out.
Jinki turned around, and their eyes met. The older man was smiling at him. "Yeah?"
"Should I-feel worried?"
For a second Jinki's smile fell and he stared at Kibum perplexedly. And then it returned, the smile that Kibum loved so dearly, together with affectionate stroke on Kibum's hair.
"You're being silly..."
Kibum knew he was, needless for Jinki to say. And yet, the fact that Jinki did not need to ask him how such question could come up had been enough an answer for Kibum that he indeed had all the necessary reason to worry.
"No, it's alright, I understand. Kibum-ssi has been so busy lately, no wonder he's feeling unwell. You should take care of him for the time being. I will see you both next week."
Luna sighed heavily as soon as she ended the call. It was Jinki who contacted her, informing that he wouldn't be visiting her for the day because Kibum had fallen sick. She glanced at the dining table, where she had prepared a sumptuous meal for three consisted of dishes she had learned to be Jinki's favorite. Now that Jinki wouldn't come, the meal would be too much for her to finish by herself.
Abandoning her phone on the coffee table, Luna made an effort to sit down on the armchair and raised his swollen legs up on the ottoman. She sighed as soon as she felt the comfort of the pillow that supported his back, her eyes stared outside the window-far toward the other side of the town where she knew Jinki and Kibum lived-and felt the stinging sensation of tears that threatened to fall.
All of a sudden, she felt utterly vulnerable and weak; she hated how the fact of not having Jinki coming could make her so disappointed, hated how her effort ended up wasted. But most of all, Luna hated how she had expected Jinki's visit more than she should.
Through the months she had spent around Kibum and Jinki, watching closely how they interacted and lived together, Luna couldn't help but feeling envious for what they-Kibum, to be exact-had. For Luna, whose experience in relationship practically limited to the one where he suffered an abusive treatment from a cruel partner, Jinki was basically the epitome of the man she had always wanted to be with.
Unlike the man she used to call her boyfriend, Jinki was kind and compassionate; he was nurturing and protective, and at the same time liberating and not at all restrictive. Luna had heard the story of Kibum's past-how he admitted himself that he was so close to the state of being ruined-and how Jinki walked into his life and made everything right. She couldn't help but wondered-if she had met a man like Jinki in her life- would she ever need to principally rent her body to be able to achieve something she had dreamed?
There were moments, as they spent some times together, when Luna found herself burned with jealousy over witnessing the subtle but obvious display of affection between the couple. During those moments, Luna found herself wishing that it was her who was in Kibum's position, touching the older man, and saw her reflection inside Jinki's eyes. Instead, she was always the one who sat alone at the opposite end of the table, submitting herself to the fact that she was, indeed, a passerby in their life.
Most of the times, Luna managed to shake away the feeling; with the guilt that weighed on her chest, she told herself that Kibum himself was a wonderful man, and that he deserved every bits of happiness he was holding in his hand. And yet there were certain episodes, when she noticed that Kibum seemed to prioritize his work over Jinki, in which she thought that she would have done better-more than Kibum would.
Luna was deeply, and irrevocably in love with Jinki.
When Jinki came on an evening, he noticed that Luna was slightly paler than usual. He asked about her condition out of concern and knowledge that the woman had not felt well recently, but Luna just smiled and looked away, changing the topic of their conversation.
“Have you had dinner?” She asked.
“No, I haven’t.” Jinki shook his head. "I was planning to have dinner with Kibum on our way here earlier, but he had called and said that he couldn't make it-something caught him back at work."
"Should I prepare something for you, then?" Luna offered.
Jinki smiled over the token of kindness and nodded, "If it doesn't bother you, yes please. I'm quite hungry at the moment."
The dinner consisted of a simple set of meal; nothing that Jinki never tasted, nothing he particularly liked. However, after weeks of takeaway and pre-cooked meal he had to eat since Kibum was occupied with work, it felt really nice to finally eat something that tasted like home. Jinki was glad to have Luna sat with him on the dining table, watching how her smile grew wider when Jinki ate the food she prepared. Compared to the loneliness he experienced when coming home to an empty residence, Luna's companion was like a haven.
The immediate feeling of guilt arisen as soon as such thought appeared in his mind. The flashbulb memory of Kibum materialized, and he felt awful because that moment, he wished that he could just forget. He recalled Kibum's question, and although that night in front of the younger man he could pretend that he did not understand what the question was about, in all honesty, Jinki knew all to well. Because he had been asking himself the same question for a while.
Jinki stared at the woman who sat in front of her, and wondered how simple things would be if it had been Luna instead of Kibum from the start. He stared at the young woman in front of him; her face bare and beautiful, a pair of eyes that stared at him with gentleness. Recently, more often than not, Jinki began to experience a certain churn in his stomach whenever his stare met those eyes.
It had not been the first he thought that the entire happening was sort of unfair toward her. Jinki often pondered about how Luna would be once the baby was born; would she ever get to meet them again, at least in a personal scene? Would she be involved in their life, as the baby's mother, instead of a mere stranger? How would she lead her life, would she ever get lonely?
Jinki was aware that he was treading on the dangerous line. He knew that such wild thought would result to something that might hurt Kibum and Luna both. And yet, he couldn't stop himself-not when Luna was ever so willingly welcomed him, with a soothing kindness that expelled his fatigue. Especially, not with the fact that it was his son Luna was carrying.
Jinki wondered, if he was the one who had given Kibum the reason to be worried at all.
"Oppa,"
Jinki looked up, and his eyes found Luna's concerned stare. "Yeah?"
"Is there something that bothers you?"
Jinki raised his eyebrows. "Where does that come from?"
"You look absentminded, spacing out. Like your thought was somewhere else."
"I'm fine. A little bit tired, but that's all."
"Are you sure?" Luna moved from her seat to the one next to Jinki, her hand rested on Jinki's shoulder-innocently so- "I might be able to help if you tell me-"
-But then she pulled away, as soon as she felt Jinki's muscles tensed under her touch.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"No it's okay," Jinki caught her hand, and stopped her from moving away. "Please, stay..."
I must have lost my mind... Jinki thought, but he did not attempt to stop whatever was coming.
The next second, he found himself raising his hand to stroke the length of Luna's hair. It felt so soft, satisfyingly long, and when Jinki took a handful of her reddish brown locks into his hand and breathed into it, he discovered how soothing her scent of crushed berries was.
The next thing Jinki registered was how Luna closed her eyes as slowly her lips met his in a light, tentative kiss; sweet, magical, dangerous, through which Jinki understand as much that he should have known better, that he was trading his soul for something uncertain, forbidden. Jinki was aware of the risk, the knowledge he chose to ignore. Luna's lips were soft, welcoming, the delicate stroke of her tongue engulfed his senses and robbed him off of his conscience.
The kiss ended when both of them heard the disruptive vibration of Jinki's phone on the coffee table. Jinki quickly pulled away, his face was red and ashamed, and quickly rejected the call.
"I'm sorry," he apologized, "I must have been carried away-"
"No, don't!" Luna stole the phone from his hand and shook her head. "Don't say you're sorry. Don't make it sound like it was a mistake."
"But it is-"
"Then make this one mistake, Oppa, please." Luna clutched on Jinki's shirt, tugging on the fabric as insistent as her plea. "I know I'm being shameful for saying this, but I have thought of it for a while. Our relationship-the surrogacy, my pregnancy-I know it's temporary. I know one day I will wake up to the reality that once again I'm a stranger in your eyes. There is nothing I can do to change the fact. However, I want to salvage this baby. This...life that grows inside of me, I want it to be born out of an act of love instead of fabrication. Therefore, even though we get the order wrong, please...let tonight be just of you and me. Forget anything else. Forget Kibum..."
At that point Luna began to cry. Jinki felt her clutch on his clothes was getting weak as she finally let go of her hands. He swallowed, his mind couldn't process the entire happening for the scene before him was too heartbreaking.
...And what could a man do when he was confronted with tears? Jinki found himself surrendering.
Jinki closed his eyes, trying to shut away his conscience-or at least anything that might rouse it. The skin that he kissed smelled of berries instead of the ever so familiar leather and wildflower, the soft breast underneath his palm, and the swelling on the belly, all told him that it wasn't Kibum he was touching. But Jinki did not care. For once he chose not to care because it was Luna, the woman who carried his child.
And then there was the warmth; soft, tight and enveloping his being as Luna slowly descended on him. Jinki allowed a guttural moan escaped, and he shut his eyes even tighter.
"Oppa, please..." He heard Luna whispered. "...Open your eyes and look at me."
Upon the tear-laced plea, Jinki could not help but obey. He opened his eyes to the view of her straddling his hips. She had let her hair down; the long, tawny tresses draped over her shoulder and fell upon his breast like a silk curtain, swayed lightly along with her careful movement. She stared at him expectantly, anxiously, as if she was still afraid that Jinki might change his mind and abandoned her in the middle of everything. Her hands reached out, tentatively, fingertips swept over Jinki's chest. She closed his eyes; round, tragic tears fell upon his stomach.
Jinki was aware of the fact that Luna was crying. He however, was too deeply engulfed in the sweet warmth of Luna's body, too lost in the ocean of sense, among the feeling of being with a woman. Luna was unlike Kibum, delicate and frail, like she might break under his touch. Luna's scent was feminine and sweet; her body soft and welcoming, and growing inside her was Jinki's child, his flesh and blood. And when Jinki came, hot and hard inside Luna's body, he experience a moment where his entire being was washed in an ocean of white; he forgot all thought about Kibum-their commitment, his mind went blank of all rationality, for all he know that he was home. Right inside Luna's body was where he belong
"Are you okay?" Jinki asked a while later. “Did I hurt you?”
Luna was lying down by his side, her back facing him. Jinki could see how her shoulder quivered, and wondered if she still cried. Jinki’s hand rested on Luna’s shoulder, but she shook it away.
“Don’t” she said. “Don’t treat me so kindly, oppa. I don’t deserve this.”
Jinki watched Luna’s tiny shoulder shook in her silent cry, and felt the weight of conscience sank into his chest.
“I wish...” Jinki’s voice was caught in his throat. “I wish we had met under different circumstances. I wish I-had met you first.”
Jinki arrived at the house later that night, somewhere around the midnight. He deliberately spent some time inside his car, trying to collect himself, and prayed in the name of all Deities that Kibum had already fallen asleep. But of course, Kibum was still awake. As usual, whenever Jinki came home late unnoticed, Kibum was waiting for him. That night, Jinki found him in their room, sitting on the rocking chair Kibum had impulsively bought with the thought of their baby in his mind. And the knowledge crushed Jinki more, because earlier he had abandoned his partner's call.
By the time Kibum’s eyes met Jinki’s, he could already tell that there was something different with the older man. The aura around him was laden with a heavy feeling; something Kibum had never encountered before during the years they had been living together, not even during Jinki’s hardest days, when he sank into depression as he failed to save a patient’s life. Jinki’s stare on him was also fleeting, a momentary gaze, which sowed the seed of uneasiness in Kibum’s stomach.
His suspicion was somewhat confirmed, as he helped Jinki took off his clothes for the bath Kibum had drawn for him, as soon as he caught a whiff of a foreign scent on Jinki’s body-a faint, almost untraceable scent that Kibum wouldn't have caught if he hadn't been so familiar with his partner's scent. A scent that did not belong, a scent that shouldn't be there, because it was not Jinki's usual woody fragrance mixed with the hospital’s disinfectant, but the scent of a woman.
It was Luna’s fragrance; the violet and berries-infused spray Kibum recalled to be worn by her every day.
Kibum suddenly experienced numbness on his fingers, dreadful chill that spread along his spine. His eyes felt hot as the slowly boiling anger materialized at the pit of his stomach. He squeezed his eyes close to prevent his tears from falling, and with a cracked voice he muttered.
“Do you mind eating alone, hyung? I’m really tired, I think I will skip dinner and go to bed instead.”
Jinki nodded soundlessly-too caught up in the storm that was raging inside his own mind to recognize the alerts that Kibum had been sending-and stepped out of his trousers. The younger man picked the discarded fabric from the floor, and watched as his partner’s naked back disappeared behind the closed bathroom door.
Next
Team: AU
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: SHINee
Pairing: Onew/Key, Onew/Luna
Summary: Jinki had been the one who gave Kibum a second shot at life, and in turn, Kibum wanted more than anything to present him with something he wanted the most in life, a family.
Prompt Used: Ailee - I will show you / supplementary prompt ("That's the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good, fucking life." - Chuck Palahniuk)
The cold, chilly wind of October welcomed Kibum as he walked out of his office, relieved that the day's hours was over. As he drove along the streets of Seoul, he began to notice just how the colors of the season had begun to set into town. Earth was blanketed in splatters of red and gold over greens, nature's grace against the incoming harsh winter's cold.
A sudden melancholy hit the man, as he stopped on the red light, and realized how his life had been taking a turn into a good direction in a mere few years. Less than a decade before, Kibum reminisced, he wouldn't have bothered to enjoy the beauty of nature. He wouldn't have thought that he could live the life he was living; he was too absorbed in all negativities, trying to drown himself in intoxication and parties. That was, until Jinki literally walked into his life; an angel with white robe who had saved him from death.
Kibum had been a student then, misguided one with all the wrong connection, and Jinki was in his last year of residency. They had met during an eventful night when Kibum was dragged into the ER, sweating cold and unconscious, and Jinki could tell right away that he was going through alcohol poisoning. Jinki was the one who performed stomach pump on him; the one who stayed on his bedside all night to check on his stats, and was the first person Kibum saw when he woke up the next morning. Jinki was asleep then, his mouth slacked wide and the thick-rimmed glass hung dangerously on his nose. He looked like any other nerd Kibum had known, messy hair, dirty robe and pimples. But in Kibum’s eyes, Jinki was the handsomest person.
They talked everyday during Kibum’s stay. He listened to Kibum’s ramble about the lack of purpose in his life, and shyly provided his insight. Jinki was the one who helped Kibum to explain to his parents about why their son had needed a rehab, and saved him from being taken back to his hometown.
"I don't know why you treat me so kindly, but thank you. God know that if i come home with my parents now, i will never escape their perdicament. I will never get the chance to absolve myself." Kibum had thanked him right after they bid farewell to Kibum's parents who were returning back to their hometown.
“It’s for my personal interest, really...” Jinki replied, his face was blushingly red. “It will be hard for me to ask you out for coffee if you were in Daegu.”
Kibum had said ‘yes’ right away, not bothered to wait until Jinki officially asked him, and they were inseparable ever since. Together they had built their life; Kibum straightened up, Jinki finished his residency and became a pediatrician, they moved in together on the day Kibum officially became a public prosecutor.
It had been more than five years since the night at the ER, and life for the two of them had never gone awry. Kibum smiled upon the thought. Jinki was his turning point, his gravity. His gentleness and sincerity had provided Kibum with more reason to live, to fight. Jinki was his happiness. And Kibum thought it was his turn to give a reason for Jinki to be happy.
Kibum handed his car key to the valet parking guy, smiling thankfully as he slipped some bills into the guy's hand. The maître d’ took him to a table at the center of the restaurant, where Jinki had seated together with a girl, both who couldn't help to hide their awkwardness.
"I'm sorry I'm late," Kibum said as he settled on his chair and leaned to kiss his partner. "Have you guys ordered?"
"Umm...not yet. We were-" He glanced uneasily to the girl besides him, "we were waiting for you."
Kibum noticed the uneasy tone in Jinki's statement and glanced at his two guests. "I'm sorry, it must have been awkward for you. Luna, meet my partner Jinki. He's a doctor at Seoul University Hospital." Kibum smiled at the girl, who in response to Kibum's introduction, smiled and offered her hand.
"I met Luna in a case; she's one of the key witnesses. She works with the Victim Protection Department."
Jinki nodded upon the explanation. During the next few minutes, the table fell into another silence in which Kibum tried to engage his guests into a conversation. Although it seemed tricky at first, with Jinki and Luna being strangers, it seemed that things had ruled to favor him that night. The icy and foreign atmosphere around the table slowly dissolved by the time their order came, and they were busy praising their food. Jinki and Luna were talking about vegetables and nutrition; Luna told them that she came from a family of farmers, spending her childhood chasing chickens and picking ripe tomatoes from their tree. In return, Jinki shared the story of the brief time he got to spend in a farm, during when his parents were too busy to saving their business and that he had to stay with his relatives.
Kibum silently sipped on his wine and stared at the two people who were deep in discussion about the changes in agricultural technology, enjoying how the ease slowly calmed his anxiety. He was happy that somehow they had found a common ground to talk on, and feeling optimistic that things could improve still.
It was a good start, Kibum thought. it could have been worse, but it wasn’t.
“So...what was it all about?” Jinki said, as they settled in bed that night.
Kibum didn’t reply right away, choosing to settle comfortably first-nestled by Jinki’s side, draping his arm over the older man’s chest. “Hmm? What makes you think I have something in mind?”
“I don’t know...” Jinki played with his hair. “Your evident smile when Luna and I began to talk, maybe? Or perhaps the fact that I know you too well?”
Kibum smiled against his lover’s chest, tightening his embrace. “Hyung, you know I love you, right?”
“Of course. You never allow me to forget for even a second.” Jinki yelped when Kibum hit him, “Alright, what is it?”
Kibum paused for a second then whispered. “I want a baby.”
“A baby? I thought you didn’t want to adopt?”
“I don’t.” Kibum shifted to stare at his partner’s face, recognizing the questions in his eyes. “Jinki, I want your baby.”
Jinki yawned as he donned his robe and got ready for his rounds; he was unable to sleep well the night before. The pile of charts on his desk were left untouched; he was late to arrive at the hospital this morning, and he had spent what time left before his shift began to grab some food. As he munched on his vending machine sandwich (nothing close to those Kibum usually made him), he recalled Kibum’s dejected look when he refused the breakfast his partner had prepared. However, as guilty as he was, he still couldn’t handle to seat on the same table, and stare at Kibum’s face. Not after what Kibum had asked the night before.
Jinki closed his eyes as his head began to ache.
Kibum’s request was something he couldn’t have anticipated. It was so sudden, like a thunderstorm on the clear blue sky. God, Jinki was so mad, when he found out that the dinner was something Kibum had carefully planned to introduce him to Luna, the woman Kibum had hoped to be the surrogate to carry his child. Jinki had refused to listen to any of Kibum’s explanation the night before and turned his back, wishing for sleep that wouldn't come.
That time, his pager suddenly beeped. Jinki glanced at the device and sighed. His round had started.
The fragrant smell of homemade cooking welcomed him home, and his stomach growled. He found his partner in the kitchen, donning his turqoise apron and cooked while whistling the tune from the Broadway version of Rock of Age musical-his favorite. Jinki couldn’t help but marveled at how beautiful the man was, how happy Jinki had been since they got together.
Then, the thought of Kibum’s request returned.
Jinki couldn’t shake it off, no matter what. He couldn’t help but think how ridiculous the request was, how Kibum could even come up with the idea of him having a child with someone else. He began to wonder if it was simply a charade Kibum had put on to test his loyalty. However, Jinki knew the younger man too well, and such insecurity toward their relationship was nowhere in Kibum’s dictionary. Kibum’s faith in Jinki was more than he could ever trust himself. It was the foundation of the relationship-the very thing that made them stayed strong together for years.
“Hyung,”
Jinki looked up and saw that Kibum had noticed his arrival; the younger man stood tentatively by the dinner table, with a look that was of anxiety.
“Hey,” Jinki forced a smile. “Can I skip the shower and have dinner now? I’m really hungry.”
Kibum nodded, pulling the chair for Jinki. They ate their dinner in silence; conversing mainly about the account of what happened during the day. Kibum didn’t bring out the baby subject, and Jinki felt thankful. When they finished their meal, Jinki offered to wash the dishes, but Kibum refused. He told Jinki to take a shower instead, joking on how he couldn’t stand the older man’s hospital-like smell.
When Jinki finished showering, Kibum had changed into sweatpants and t-shirt. His face was bare, and under the minimum light, Jinki couldn’t help but noticing just how frail he looked actually. Kibum walked toward him, his arms extended, and Jinki found himself surrendering. He took Kibum into his arms, closing his eyes and allowing the younger man’s scent-of fabric softener and sunshine, the scent of home-penetrated into his sense.
“I just want you to be happy, hyung.” Kibum whispered. He adamantly tightened his embrace when he felt Jinki’s body tensed.
“I don’t want to rob you off anything you could have had. I still can’t forgive myself for the fact that your parents had severed their ties when you decided to stay with me. And I can’t bear the thought that you will never have a child of your own, just because you’re trying to protect my feeling. I don’t want to be the reason why you can’t be happier...”
The end of Kibum statement came out almost inaudible as the younger man began to cry. A feeling of helplessness washed over Jinki when slowly, he felt his partner’s body shuddered inside his embrace.
Jinki wished he could tell Kibum that everything was going to be fine. Such a statement, however, simply wouldn’t materialize, because Jinki knew that it would be a lie. Because in all honesty, never before had he felt so lost.
After that night, they had let the matter freeze. Kibum returned to his usual happy self, and Jinki felt that his partner had somehow gotten over with the idea. However, he couldn’t help but recognizing the longing in Kibum’s eyes whenever he saw a young family with children whenever they went out together. He couldn’t dismiss the thought that maybe, instead of only having the sole reason to make him happy, Kibum had really wanted a child-his child-in their life.
Jinki couldn’t help but beginning to imagine how wonderful it would be to have their house filled with the sound of a baby’s cry, the joy they could have together in witnessing the important moments in the child’s life. Jinki couldn’t stop thinking what a wonderful parent Kibum would be-with his endless love, his affectionate nature, and his discipline. But most of all, Jinki couldn’t shake away the thought that having a child on his own was indeed something he had wanted the most in life.
It was one afternoon in late autumn, as they strolled along the Han River Park, when Kibum stopped to watch a toddler on his tricycle, trying to chase after her father. Kibum had unconsciously tightened his grip on Jinki’s fingers, and his eyes sparkled as he breathlessly muttered encouragement toward the child.
Jinki stared at him, and saw the overflowing love and longing in Kibum’s eyes. That time, he knew he could no longer deny Kibum from his happiness. Their happiness.
“Kibum-ah...” He called.
“Hmm...” Kibum slowly turned to face him. “Yes, hyung?”
“You know...I think we will make great parents.”
Jinki witnessed Kibum’s eyes widened in disbelief. He squeezes Kibum’s fingers in his grasp, and with such assurance, Kibum’s eyes became glassy with tears. It didn’t take long until the younger man squealed in happiness and rushed into his embrace.
Convincing Jinki was one thing, but explaining their intention to Luna was an entirely different matter. While Jinki was his partner-the man he loved, someone Kibum would trust his life with, Luna was basically a stranger.
Kibum had met her during one of the case of Domestic Violence. Luna who worked as a volunteer at the Victim Protection Center had been his liaison; she helped him to communicate with his client, a young woman who had been badly abused by her husband to the point that she gave a stillbirth. Kibum had admired her; Luna was almost five years younger than him, a young woman of 24, and yet she had shown dedication and sincerity in her work.
“I was one of them.” Luna had answered when Kibum asked her why she was so devoted to her volunteer job, even if it hadn’t paid her much. ”I got trapped in an abusive relationship as soon as I moved to Seoul. I know how they feel-it wasn’t all about the beating, but the emotional torture it inflicts. While you can see the superficial wounds, what happens inside the victims of DV runs even deeper.”
In between the hours Kibum spent to counsel his client, he managed to become friends with Luna, and learned so much about her. Before the tragedy, she was a student with bright future in performing art, and also the pride of her family. Even though in the end she escaped the horrible relationship, she had lost it all. And while she managed to cope with the post-traumatic stress, volunteering is the only thing that salvaged her soul.
”I wish I can go to school again...” Kibum had once heard Luna said. “I want to study law or medic, so that I can help them more.”
Through the years Kibum got to know her, apart from the strength that she demonstrated, Luna had been exceptionally kind and compassionate. Kibum couldn’t expect a more perfect candidate for the surrogacy. He imagined how the baby would be so fortunate to be born from Jinki and Luna, and how proud he would be to raise it, love it as his own. At the same time, he was thinking of a way to help Luna achieving her dream.
“Let me get this straight...” Luna said. Confusion was what she felt when Kibum’s invitation for lunch turned out to be something entirely different than the innocent get-together she had expected. “You’re asking me to-have a baby with Jinki-ssi. However, once the baby is born, I’m supposed to waive my right as its legal guardian in exchange of some material compensation?”
“That’s surrogacy in a nutshell, yeah.”
Kibum bit his lips. The way Luna summarized his explanation made the process sounded heartless. However, there was no mistake in her interpretation-nothing that required him to correct. Trying to explain it otherwise than the way Luna had phrased would simply be sugarcoating, and Kibum had wanted to be honest from the start.
Luna seemed concerned. “I know you guys are good people. I like you-as friends, as human being. Your devotion toward each other is something I rarely see, even in straight, married couples. I’m sure you will make wonderful parents. But why surrogacy?”
“Because I want the baby to be Jinki’s.”
“But...don’t you-feel jealous at all, Kibum-ssi? I mean...your partner-and a woman together..."
Kibum smiled. “Let me tell you something about my partner. He’s the type of man who puts family as the center of his universe. And yet, it has been years since the last time he spoke to his parents. The reason of such situation is none other than me. I know Jinki never blamed me; it was his decision, after all. But I couldn’t help but wanting to be able to do something that will make him happy-happier. So no, jealousy is nothing I account for.”
Luna detected no hesitation in his voice and all the argument of refusal she had prepared crumbled before her eyes. And yet, what Kibum asked from her was something big. Luna realized that the consequence of agreeing is her having a permanent relation with both Kibum and Jinki. It wasn’t something she had expected.
“First of all, I want to know...” Luna asked, her voice faint. “If I were to agree, what will I get out of it? I mean...this might come across as me being greedy, but what will this arrangement benefit me?”
Kibum did not reply right away. He took out an A4 sized manila envelope from his bag and placed it on the table. The smile on his face somehow provided Luna with reassurance.
“We would never think of you in such light, Luna. I’m glad that you shared your worries, and it will be better if in the future-should the surrogacy happens-you are willing to open up to us about your need and want.” Kibum sipped his coffee before continuing, “Regarding your concern, Jinki and I had come up with a sort of draft for contractual arrangement. It’s just a rough idea of what we’re willing to commit ourselves to, as well as what we’re ready to provide you.”
Luna took the manila envelope and curiously took out what was inside. Kibum chuckled upon her action.
“Feel free to add your own clauses, and ask for inputs from your counselor. I think you know one or two people who are willing to help you. You also might want to ask around about Jinki and I-you know, finding out if we have skeletons in our closet. I assure there is none-we're good people and honest taxpayer, but you better make yourself sure.”
Luna nodded absentmindedly, unresponsive toward Kibum's attempt to joke. Her eyes scanned carefully over the paper. Kibum watched how her expression changed from time to time, and he felt the anxiety was overbearing.
“Listen,” Kibum took her hand, seemingly to understand her perplexedness. “I’m not asking you to decide right away. Think about it carefully, because it might be the decision that changes your life.”
Luna sighed heavily, “I will...”
Kibum and Jinki spent more than a month waiting for Luna’s answer, fidgeting and anxious whenever their phones rang. Kibum was tempted to give Luna a call-had tried to key Luna’s number for few times-but Jinki always stopped him, saying that they should not hurry and cloud her judgment. Despite his anxiety, Kibum agreed that calling her might not be the best decision after all.
It was the end of November when they finally heard back from Luna. She finally called and asked to meet them both. Kibum asked if she wanted to have dinner at their house, if she might wanted to know them better, and Luna agreed. She came in a cab, looking equally nervous as them. Her steps as she walked through the threshold of Kibum's and Jinki's house were hesitant, as if the act of entering the house itself might imply to some sort of consequence she had to suffer. Kibum helped her brushed some snow off her coat, and hung it neatly. Jinki accompanied her for small talk over coffee, until Kibum announced that the dinner was ready.
Luna marveled at how delicious Kibum’s cooking was. Jinki chimed in, telling her that he used to be stick thin before Kibum's food helped him to add some mass on just the right places. She watched in a mix of envy and admiration, at how Kibum blushed over Jinki’s encore of praises.
One thing that Luna couldn’t help but noticing was how the couple seemed to gravitate around each other; the lingering touch, the leaning close toward each other when they talked, the way their reflection lived in each other’s eyes. Staring at them from across the small dinner table, Luna became pensive. Her smile faltered, and small creases appeared on her face as she frowned.
Kibum had provided her enough time to think, and she had been thinking. She was surprised upon reading the brief Kibum had prepared. It listed down generous offers; apart from the basic things such as living arrangement and settlement money, it also included things that were Luna’s concerns. She was offered insurance, as well as a college fund should she decide to go back to school. Kibum and Jinki also provided her with a choice to completely waive her right over the baby, or, if she preferred, a joint custody.
Luna had done enough research herself to be able to tell that the offer was more generous than most surrogacy cases. Kibum wasn’t lying when he said that he and Jinki had prepared to take care of her well-being. Going back to school had always been her dream, something she wanted more than everything else. Taking the offer would probably the only chance she could ever get in achieving it. However, Luna had also read enough surrogacy experience articles to understand the psychological risk of the process.
Luna was hurt once in her life, a result of the bad choice she made. She definitely wasn’t going to commit herself to a second mistake.
I wonder if my answer will change their life... She thought. I just hope i'm not making the wrong decision.
"What's on your mind, Luna?"
She looked up from her dessert plate and found that both Kibum and Jinki were staring at her; their look was of concern.
Luna shook her head. "Nothing, I just-" A moment later, she felt her breath hitched. “Can I ask something? Of all people, why me? You could have taken any willing woman. Why me, though?”
Kibum raised his eyebrows in confusion, before the realization dawned on him a second later. “Is it about the surrogacy?” He asked softly.
Luna nodded. “I’m just-I’m sorry...this last month has been very confusing.”
Kibum and jinki exchanged glances from across the table. Their faces grew more nervous as Luna’s face got darkened, and in the end-with Jinki’s approval, Kibum moved to the chair next to Luna. He placed his hand over the woman’s and gave it a light squeeze, and in the midst of her anxiety, Luna felt the warmth from the slight contact spread into her, and the loneliness she had felt ever since the couple had presented her with the outrageous proposal suddenly disappeared.
“I won’t be alone in this, will I?” Luna asked, “Both of you will stay by my side through all the process, won’t you?”
Kibum raised his eyebrows, surprised by the question. “Luna, we wouldn’t even dream to leave you all alone! But-” he paused, suddenly felt too scared to ask. “-does it mean that you are agreed to be our surrogate?”
Kibum held his breath, his heart thumped strongly, and it felt like he had waited forever until Luna quietly nodded. He automatically pulled Luna into a hug-he held her tight and had not let go until Luna held her back-before he turned to Jinki, his partner, who had stood up and waited for him with a bright smile on his handsome face. Kibum rushed into his side, couldn’t care less about the fact that he knocked the chair back, and surrendered into Jinki’s embraced. It was when Kibum cried; his tears were of happiness and absolution, for he had absolved his sin of robbing Jinki away from the dream of having a family.
“You and I, and our baby-we’re going to be the greatest family.”
The three of them signed the legal agreement papers exactly on Jinki's birthday. The couple had left their lawyer as well as Luna baffled over a display of affection, in which Jinki had swooped Kibum into his arms and kissed him full on his mouth, while saying that the younger man had made him the happiest person alive. The three of them took a trip to countryside afterward, and had an early dinner in a quiet but nice restaurant. They popped a champagne bottle, toasted on their health and happiness, and the baby that was going to come into their life. Luna got drunk pretty quickly; she reasoned that it was probably going to be the last chance she had to properly enjoy alcoholic drink, and deliberately drank the alcohol Kibum had generously poured into her flute.
On the insemination day, they drove together to the hospital inside the snow. The ride was quiet and tense; everyone was too nervous to actually start a conversation or even to turn on the radio. Jinki and Kibum waited in the diagnose room of their chosen gynecologist-they held hands despite their sweaty palms-while Luna was undergoing the procedure. She looked pale when the couple came to her after the doctor informed that the procedure was done, and the three of them nervously laughed when Luna cracked a joke about her being too afraid to move for the fear of ruining the process. Kibum and Jinki drove Luna home, each gave Luna a kiss on the forehead before they left, and spent the next week in another agonizing episode of waiting.
The text arrived during dawn, along with an incessant buzz of the phone against the hardwood surface of Kibum's nightstand. He woke up groggily, blindly reached out for both the device and his glasses, inwardly praying that the news that came was nothing bad of sort. It was Luna. She had typed nothing more than two simple words, which-together with the attached picture of a dozen of tiny white sticks with (+) sign-managed to turn Kibum's world upside down.
'I'm pregnant!'
Kibum couldn’t exactly recall when things began to change. One day, he felt like the happiest man on earth, but on one morning he woke up and noticing that things were not exactly the same as it used to be. There was a lingering sadness that clouded his days; the creeping apprehension that grew stronger whenever he stole a glance at Jinki, whenever their skin touched in the darkness of the night.
Kibum tried to shake his feelings away. He tried to drown himself inside the pile of work on his desk, as well as the thought of being able to cradle Jinki's baby in his arms within less than five months. He began to decorate the spare room in his house with pastel-colored wallpaper, filled it with white-painted furniture and stuffed animals, and smiled at how the room turned into a beautiful nursery each day. However, no amount of work or positive thought, or hours he spent decoration could ever dismiss the uneasiness he experienced. Whenever he thought that the feeling was finally gone, or when he felt like he could feel at ease, his anxiousness reappeared. It manifested itself whenever he saw Jinki and Luna together, the two of them in the same picture.
He had tried to convince himself that it was just his insecurity; a lingering sadness over the fact that he was not the one who could give Jinki the baby they wanted. He had been telling himself that Jinki's attention toward Luna was out of kindness and gratitude, nothing more but concern over his unborn baby that grew inside Luna's body. And yet, there were signs-evidence he had conceived with his own eyes and gathered in his mind during the span of several months. He could not disregard how Jinki's touches began to linger, how his smile grew wider, how his face brightened whenever Kibum mentioned that he wanted to come over to Luna's place to check on her. In the corner of his mind, Kibum began to construct the possibility that Jinki's heart had been divided, that it was no longer dedicated to him only.
And still, despite everything he had felt, Kibum believed that Jinki would never do anything to hurt him. They had been through too many things together for Jinki to abandon him; good things, bad happenings, all of which had helped them both to build their relationship with something more than love. Kibum chose to believe that no matter what happened, beyond love, they still have respect, trust, and commitment.
Or perhaps, he simply felt like heneeded to believe.
It was one night during the first week of Luna's last trimester when Kibum had so many things to prepare for his upcoming trial, and failed to meet Jinki after work for their routine visit to Luna's place. She had called them the day before, told them that they might be interested in seeing the baby's last 3D USG picture (it was a boy, she had told them, and Kibum ended up crying in happiness inside Jinki's embrace). Kibum had actually prepared to leave the office earlier, but an important call came through and ruined his plan. He must have sounded very desperate when he talked with Jinki on the phone, because his partner ended up spending more than ten minutes convincing him that he was not a bad parent material simply because such trivial matter.
He arrived home late that night, somewhere past ten, and expected Jinki to have eaten dinner and was waiting for him to go to bed. To his surprise however, the house was still dark, and his car was the only one parked on the driveway. Kibum quickly dialed Jinki's number, not only once but several times, only to reach the older man's mailbox. Kibum found himself pacing around in the darkness of their living room, hating himself for every negative thought that appeared in his mind. And when he finally heard the mechanical hum of Jinki's SUV somewhere around midnight, he couldn't stop himself from running outside and rushed to Jinki's side.
"What happened?" Jinki asked in surprise. "I expect you've gone to bed without me. I thought you're having a hearing trial tomorrow."
"I couldn't sleep." Kibum murmured into Jinki's ear. “You weren't home when I arrived, and I couldn't reach you phone."
"I'm sorry, my phone died a couple hours ago." Jinki said, gently pried himself away from Kibum's arms to take his bag and dirty hospital coat. "I had to stay longer at Luna's. She has been experiencing some discomfort and I wanted to make sure that she's okay."
Kibum's heart sank upon hearing the statement. He knew he was being stupid for taking such things into account, but he couldn't help the nasty dread that emerged at the pit of his stomach. He didn't know how or why, but suddenly he found himself reaching out and caught the back of Jinki's jacket.
"Hyung-" he breathed out.
Jinki turned around, and their eyes met. The older man was smiling at him. "Yeah?"
"Should I-feel worried?"
For a second Jinki's smile fell and he stared at Kibum perplexedly. And then it returned, the smile that Kibum loved so dearly, together with affectionate stroke on Kibum's hair.
"You're being silly..."
Kibum knew he was, needless for Jinki to say. And yet, the fact that Jinki did not need to ask him how such question could come up had been enough an answer for Kibum that he indeed had all the necessary reason to worry.
"No, it's alright, I understand. Kibum-ssi has been so busy lately, no wonder he's feeling unwell. You should take care of him for the time being. I will see you both next week."
Luna sighed heavily as soon as she ended the call. It was Jinki who contacted her, informing that he wouldn't be visiting her for the day because Kibum had fallen sick. She glanced at the dining table, where she had prepared a sumptuous meal for three consisted of dishes she had learned to be Jinki's favorite. Now that Jinki wouldn't come, the meal would be too much for her to finish by herself.
Abandoning her phone on the coffee table, Luna made an effort to sit down on the armchair and raised his swollen legs up on the ottoman. She sighed as soon as she felt the comfort of the pillow that supported his back, her eyes stared outside the window-far toward the other side of the town where she knew Jinki and Kibum lived-and felt the stinging sensation of tears that threatened to fall.
All of a sudden, she felt utterly vulnerable and weak; she hated how the fact of not having Jinki coming could make her so disappointed, hated how her effort ended up wasted. But most of all, Luna hated how she had expected Jinki's visit more than she should.
Through the months she had spent around Kibum and Jinki, watching closely how they interacted and lived together, Luna couldn't help but feeling envious for what they-Kibum, to be exact-had. For Luna, whose experience in relationship practically limited to the one where he suffered an abusive treatment from a cruel partner, Jinki was basically the epitome of the man she had always wanted to be with.
Unlike the man she used to call her boyfriend, Jinki was kind and compassionate; he was nurturing and protective, and at the same time liberating and not at all restrictive. Luna had heard the story of Kibum's past-how he admitted himself that he was so close to the state of being ruined-and how Jinki walked into his life and made everything right. She couldn't help but wondered-if she had met a man like Jinki in her life- would she ever need to principally rent her body to be able to achieve something she had dreamed?
There were moments, as they spent some times together, when Luna found herself burned with jealousy over witnessing the subtle but obvious display of affection between the couple. During those moments, Luna found herself wishing that it was her who was in Kibum's position, touching the older man, and saw her reflection inside Jinki's eyes. Instead, she was always the one who sat alone at the opposite end of the table, submitting herself to the fact that she was, indeed, a passerby in their life.
Most of the times, Luna managed to shake away the feeling; with the guilt that weighed on her chest, she told herself that Kibum himself was a wonderful man, and that he deserved every bits of happiness he was holding in his hand. And yet there were certain episodes, when she noticed that Kibum seemed to prioritize his work over Jinki, in which she thought that she would have done better-more than Kibum would.
Luna was deeply, and irrevocably in love with Jinki.
When Jinki came on an evening, he noticed that Luna was slightly paler than usual. He asked about her condition out of concern and knowledge that the woman had not felt well recently, but Luna just smiled and looked away, changing the topic of their conversation.
“Have you had dinner?” She asked.
“No, I haven’t.” Jinki shook his head. "I was planning to have dinner with Kibum on our way here earlier, but he had called and said that he couldn't make it-something caught him back at work."
"Should I prepare something for you, then?" Luna offered.
Jinki smiled over the token of kindness and nodded, "If it doesn't bother you, yes please. I'm quite hungry at the moment."
The dinner consisted of a simple set of meal; nothing that Jinki never tasted, nothing he particularly liked. However, after weeks of takeaway and pre-cooked meal he had to eat since Kibum was occupied with work, it felt really nice to finally eat something that tasted like home. Jinki was glad to have Luna sat with him on the dining table, watching how her smile grew wider when Jinki ate the food she prepared. Compared to the loneliness he experienced when coming home to an empty residence, Luna's companion was like a haven.
The immediate feeling of guilt arisen as soon as such thought appeared in his mind. The flashbulb memory of Kibum materialized, and he felt awful because that moment, he wished that he could just forget. He recalled Kibum's question, and although that night in front of the younger man he could pretend that he did not understand what the question was about, in all honesty, Jinki knew all to well. Because he had been asking himself the same question for a while.
Jinki stared at the woman who sat in front of her, and wondered how simple things would be if it had been Luna instead of Kibum from the start. He stared at the young woman in front of him; her face bare and beautiful, a pair of eyes that stared at him with gentleness. Recently, more often than not, Jinki began to experience a certain churn in his stomach whenever his stare met those eyes.
It had not been the first he thought that the entire happening was sort of unfair toward her. Jinki often pondered about how Luna would be once the baby was born; would she ever get to meet them again, at least in a personal scene? Would she be involved in their life, as the baby's mother, instead of a mere stranger? How would she lead her life, would she ever get lonely?
Jinki was aware that he was treading on the dangerous line. He knew that such wild thought would result to something that might hurt Kibum and Luna both. And yet, he couldn't stop himself-not when Luna was ever so willingly welcomed him, with a soothing kindness that expelled his fatigue. Especially, not with the fact that it was his son Luna was carrying.
Jinki wondered, if he was the one who had given Kibum the reason to be worried at all.
"Oppa,"
Jinki looked up, and his eyes found Luna's concerned stare. "Yeah?"
"Is there something that bothers you?"
Jinki raised his eyebrows. "Where does that come from?"
"You look absentminded, spacing out. Like your thought was somewhere else."
"I'm fine. A little bit tired, but that's all."
"Are you sure?" Luna moved from her seat to the one next to Jinki, her hand rested on Jinki's shoulder-innocently so- "I might be able to help if you tell me-"
-But then she pulled away, as soon as she felt Jinki's muscles tensed under her touch.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"No it's okay," Jinki caught her hand, and stopped her from moving away. "Please, stay..."
I must have lost my mind... Jinki thought, but he did not attempt to stop whatever was coming.
The next second, he found himself raising his hand to stroke the length of Luna's hair. It felt so soft, satisfyingly long, and when Jinki took a handful of her reddish brown locks into his hand and breathed into it, he discovered how soothing her scent of crushed berries was.
The next thing Jinki registered was how Luna closed her eyes as slowly her lips met his in a light, tentative kiss; sweet, magical, dangerous, through which Jinki understand as much that he should have known better, that he was trading his soul for something uncertain, forbidden. Jinki was aware of the risk, the knowledge he chose to ignore. Luna's lips were soft, welcoming, the delicate stroke of her tongue engulfed his senses and robbed him off of his conscience.
The kiss ended when both of them heard the disruptive vibration of Jinki's phone on the coffee table. Jinki quickly pulled away, his face was red and ashamed, and quickly rejected the call.
"I'm sorry," he apologized, "I must have been carried away-"
"No, don't!" Luna stole the phone from his hand and shook her head. "Don't say you're sorry. Don't make it sound like it was a mistake."
"But it is-"
"Then make this one mistake, Oppa, please." Luna clutched on Jinki's shirt, tugging on the fabric as insistent as her plea. "I know I'm being shameful for saying this, but I have thought of it for a while. Our relationship-the surrogacy, my pregnancy-I know it's temporary. I know one day I will wake up to the reality that once again I'm a stranger in your eyes. There is nothing I can do to change the fact. However, I want to salvage this baby. This...life that grows inside of me, I want it to be born out of an act of love instead of fabrication. Therefore, even though we get the order wrong, please...let tonight be just of you and me. Forget anything else. Forget Kibum..."
At that point Luna began to cry. Jinki felt her clutch on his clothes was getting weak as she finally let go of her hands. He swallowed, his mind couldn't process the entire happening for the scene before him was too heartbreaking.
...And what could a man do when he was confronted with tears? Jinki found himself surrendering.
Jinki closed his eyes, trying to shut away his conscience-or at least anything that might rouse it. The skin that he kissed smelled of berries instead of the ever so familiar leather and wildflower, the soft breast underneath his palm, and the swelling on the belly, all told him that it wasn't Kibum he was touching. But Jinki did not care. For once he chose not to care because it was Luna, the woman who carried his child.
And then there was the warmth; soft, tight and enveloping his being as Luna slowly descended on him. Jinki allowed a guttural moan escaped, and he shut his eyes even tighter.
"Oppa, please..." He heard Luna whispered. "...Open your eyes and look at me."
Upon the tear-laced plea, Jinki could not help but obey. He opened his eyes to the view of her straddling his hips. She had let her hair down; the long, tawny tresses draped over her shoulder and fell upon his breast like a silk curtain, swayed lightly along with her careful movement. She stared at him expectantly, anxiously, as if she was still afraid that Jinki might change his mind and abandoned her in the middle of everything. Her hands reached out, tentatively, fingertips swept over Jinki's chest. She closed his eyes; round, tragic tears fell upon his stomach.
Jinki was aware of the fact that Luna was crying. He however, was too deeply engulfed in the sweet warmth of Luna's body, too lost in the ocean of sense, among the feeling of being with a woman. Luna was unlike Kibum, delicate and frail, like she might break under his touch. Luna's scent was feminine and sweet; her body soft and welcoming, and growing inside her was Jinki's child, his flesh and blood. And when Jinki came, hot and hard inside Luna's body, he experience a moment where his entire being was washed in an ocean of white; he forgot all thought about Kibum-their commitment, his mind went blank of all rationality, for all he know that he was home. Right inside Luna's body was where he belong
"Are you okay?" Jinki asked a while later. “Did I hurt you?”
Luna was lying down by his side, her back facing him. Jinki could see how her shoulder quivered, and wondered if she still cried. Jinki’s hand rested on Luna’s shoulder, but she shook it away.
“Don’t” she said. “Don’t treat me so kindly, oppa. I don’t deserve this.”
Jinki watched Luna’s tiny shoulder shook in her silent cry, and felt the weight of conscience sank into his chest.
“I wish...” Jinki’s voice was caught in his throat. “I wish we had met under different circumstances. I wish I-had met you first.”
Jinki arrived at the house later that night, somewhere around the midnight. He deliberately spent some time inside his car, trying to collect himself, and prayed in the name of all Deities that Kibum had already fallen asleep. But of course, Kibum was still awake. As usual, whenever Jinki came home late unnoticed, Kibum was waiting for him. That night, Jinki found him in their room, sitting on the rocking chair Kibum had impulsively bought with the thought of their baby in his mind. And the knowledge crushed Jinki more, because earlier he had abandoned his partner's call.
By the time Kibum’s eyes met Jinki’s, he could already tell that there was something different with the older man. The aura around him was laden with a heavy feeling; something Kibum had never encountered before during the years they had been living together, not even during Jinki’s hardest days, when he sank into depression as he failed to save a patient’s life. Jinki’s stare on him was also fleeting, a momentary gaze, which sowed the seed of uneasiness in Kibum’s stomach.
His suspicion was somewhat confirmed, as he helped Jinki took off his clothes for the bath Kibum had drawn for him, as soon as he caught a whiff of a foreign scent on Jinki’s body-a faint, almost untraceable scent that Kibum wouldn't have caught if he hadn't been so familiar with his partner's scent. A scent that did not belong, a scent that shouldn't be there, because it was not Jinki's usual woody fragrance mixed with the hospital’s disinfectant, but the scent of a woman.
It was Luna’s fragrance; the violet and berries-infused spray Kibum recalled to be worn by her every day.
Kibum suddenly experienced numbness on his fingers, dreadful chill that spread along his spine. His eyes felt hot as the slowly boiling anger materialized at the pit of his stomach. He squeezed his eyes close to prevent his tears from falling, and with a cracked voice he muttered.
“Do you mind eating alone, hyung? I’m really tired, I think I will skip dinner and go to bed instead.”
Jinki nodded soundlessly-too caught up in the storm that was raging inside his own mind to recognize the alerts that Kibum had been sending-and stepped out of his trousers. The younger man picked the discarded fabric from the floor, and watched as his partner’s naked back disappeared behind the closed bathroom door.
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