#35 [2PM, Wooyoung] Pt 1
Fandom: 2PM
Title: Délivre-Moi (set me free)
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s)/Focus: Wooyoung-centric
Length: 12,095 words
Summary: The water’s never deep enough to drown and set Wooyoung free.
Warnings: hinted suicidal thoughts, slight hints of depression
Notes: for biases! ♥ I… hope it’s not too disappointing.
Remixee author: biases
Title of work you remixed: Protège-Moi
Link to work you remixed: http://voyeurs.livejournal.com/6401.html
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
When Junho said Wooyoung can tell him anything, Wooyoung had believed him. Even though he hesitated at first, Wooyoung had braved himself and opened up because he had believed that Junho would understand and accept whatever may come, that even though Junho doesn’t feel the same, everything would still be the same.
That somehow, everything would be okay again.
But Junho, he- he ran away.
Wooyoung’s feet feel rooted on the ground he’s standing on, unable to move them no matter how hard he tries to. So he stays there unmoving, watching as Junho staggers farther and farther away from him, getting so out of reach with every passing second.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
There wasn’t any assurance from Junho’s side- not even a simple encouragement to put a little peace to Wooyoung’s mind. Junho’s reaction was truly unexpected, the look on Junho’s face burned into his mind and will probably leave a permanent scar there.
Was that shock? Fear? Disgust?
Initially, maybe it had been shock before the fear seeped in and everything dissolved into disgust once it had fully sunk in Junho’s head. Wooyoung’s insides twist, all of the foods he’s taken in for that day threatening to move up and escape from his body. The sands prickle against his feet- little reminders that he’s here, still here and that everything is really happening.
What should he do now? Run after Junho and apologize? Tell Junho he was just kidding? Explain what just happened to the other members and ask them to talk to Junho for him? But what if they all turned and ran away too? Can he take that again?
Lights of colors burst in the air, painting and giving life to the dark, dull sky. Wooyoung hears quiet laughter from afar and when his gaze falls down on the group of people who had lighted up the fireworks, he’s finally aware that he’s here for Nichkhun’s and Suchin’s wedding. No, Wooyoung shakes his head. This was supposed to be a happy day. He was supposed to be in there celebrating with all the other members and guests, having the time of his life after such a long, long time because right after this all ends, he has to be back in Korea- back to his base in Yeosu where he has to put his uniform on again and be a responsible citizen to complete his duty for his beloved country. This was someone else’s good and memorable day- he’s not supposed to be selfish and ruin it with his current situation.
They should have stayed inside. It’s too late to realize this now.
As he moves his gaze and stares at the little red splotches splattered on the white, white sand, the sirens went off somewhere from a distance.
Not only did it wake Wooyoung from his thoughts, it’s served as a switch to complete the circuit of reaction in him as well. Just like the waves crashing against the shores, Wooyoung feels the panic, worry and fear surging over him all at once. His knees buckled from the overwhelming feels, falling on the ground on all fours.
This isn’t the first time Wooyoung’s experiencing disappointment and heartbreak. There were times in his life when he had to go through difficult periods before; ending up a relationship that he had put a lot of commitments and efforts in, flopping his third solo album, and even saying last goodbye to a dear friend whom he lost to cancer after years and years of battling with the fatal illness. Even so, he’s always managed to get back on his feet, managed to gather back the little pieces of his broken heart and glue them back together. But this- this time, it feels different and Wooyoung can’t understand why. It’s like his chest’s been cut open, his heart taken out and set on fire to burn to ashes until it’s hard to see for any sign of its existence anymore. How is he supposed to make it beat again, to continue living after this?
He doesn’t know, never knew it was possible to experience a pain this huge.
+
Everything that’s happened on the night of September 6th keeps on spinning around his head and Wooyoung only wishes he knew the switch to turn it all off forever. Even after getting back to his harsh training, nothing can distract and stop his mind from going back to that night and Wooyoung has to suffer seeing the same scenes replaying over and over again.
It all comes back to him in grainy images with static noises buzzing in his ears, the images of the beach, wine glasses and of Junho running towards the sea flickering one by one, followed by the look on Junho’s face playing vividly in his mind, laughter and voices drowned by the sound of the waves crashing and then Junho’s shouting. Shouting.
No.
No.
No.
You can’t do this to me!
Wooyoung wakes up feeling very much nauseated, cold sweat formed on his forehead trickling the side of his face and palms shaky as he holds on the hem of his blanket tightly. Wooyoung’s not sure how many sleep he’s lost but he does know he’s been getting a lot of this dream since that day it all happened.
Wooyoung pulls the blanket closer to himself and turns on his side. Taking a deep breath in, he tries to calm himself down and waits patiently for his stomach to settle down and wash the sickness away. It’s still dark and everyone’s still asleep and even though Wooyoung’s tired and he knows he should be getting some more rest, he’s not sure he wants to, afraid that the nightmare might come back to haunt him again. He emptily blinks his eyes instead, and then his gaze automatically trails up to that obvious empty spot on one of the bunk beds across of his, right to the roof above it.
Wooyoung didn’t know it was possible to feel so much worse than he already is. Since that day they found Minseo trying to hang himself, the said guy had been dismissed from duty for three weeks. But then he never came back again. From what Wooyoung heard, Minseo’s been transferred to a different base far, far away from Yeosu, but apparently closer to his hometown where his family could visit and check on him easily. Wooyoung never really got the chance to apologize for all the hurtful things he’s said to Minseo, and that makes him feel like shit, like he’s the worst person that has ever existed in the history of humankind. Wooyoung often wonders though, if the shitty, sickening feeling he felt when Junho turned and ran away from him could be compared to how Minseo felt when Wooyoung sort of rejected him and laughed at his face. If it could, then funny how karma works. Hit it in the face and it’ll come back right up at yours.
It’s always bone-chilling when the thought crosses his mind- the thought of how Minseo almost took his own life and especially knowing he was the reason behind it all. If Minseo had killed himself, Wooyoung honestly wouldn’t know how to live with himself for the rest of his life anymore. He’s just glad that someone had found and stopped Minseo before he could even try, or else Wooyoung would forever be living in his guilt and regrets.
Weekend is slowly approaching and Wooyoung welcomes it silently, watching as the time goes by. The lights are turned on a few hours later, loud piercing whistle echoing soon after as their daily wake-up call. Wooyoung’s the first to get up again today, immediately changing into his white shirt and black sweatpants and getting himself ready for their early morning run. He allows his tired mind to shut down a little, even if it’s just for a couple of hours, and focuses on their morning routine instead.
After another long, tiring day full of training, the night finally approaches. The soldiers are usually given off some free time during weekend’s nights. While some prefer to catch on their sleep or gather around to watch dramas together, there are also the rest of them who use these free times to catch up on updates on their family members and friends via public phones or internet. Wooyoung is definitely one of these people.
Every week, Wooyoung spends a full two hours reading and writing mails to his family and close friends. Since that day he got back from Thailand though, Wooyoung’s only sent one confirmation mail to each of his other 2PM’s members saying he was back at his base safe and sound, and after that he never really touched his inbox again. This night would be the first since the last time he checked his mails.
Wooyoung’s not sure why he’s nervous, but the fear is really there. It takes him a while to gather himself before he finally types in his username and password, and then he waits for few minutes before finally clicking the sign in button. His eyes quickly scan the names of the senders of the mails resting in his inbox, and feels his heart drops down to the pit of his stomach when he doesn’t see that one name he had been looking forward to talk to the most. Wooyoung finally understands why- or rather what he was scared of earlier on. This is exactly it; disappointment.
Wooyoung exhales deeply but decides to push the thought aside for a little while. He takes his time to open the mails and replies as much as he can. Wooyoung particularly smiles at his sister’s email saying how much they missed him and that she’s finally due for her third child in another three weeks time. Wooyoung tells her he misses them too and that he’s looking forward to meet the new addition to their family soon.
Next, Wooyoung opens the new mails from his other fellow members. They all wrote back to him, no matter how short or random the contents are. Unsurprisingly, Nichkhun’s email is always the longest one of them all, considering he has time to spare unbound by strict rules and duties, and he has the privilege to spend as much time as he wants to to write updates on his life for his 2PM brothers.
When Wooyoung met Nichkhun again on that day they arrived in Phuket, he had joked about wanting a niece or nephew from the newlyweds as soon as he can. There was a tint of blush formed on Nichkhun’s cheeks but his smile was calm and proud when he said that the baby would be greeting their 2PM uncles probably a few months after they finished their service. Wooyoung was slightly surprised to hear that from Nichkhun, but he was genuinely happy for his brother as well and so he congratulated Nichkhun right then too.
Even so, Nichkhun still wrote about Suchin’s pregnancy in his email this time around. Apparently, she’s already three and a half month pregnant with a healthy baby. We’re currently thinking of a suitable name for the baby, the mail says. If it’s a girl, do you think I should name her Tiffany? ㅋㅋㅋ Wooyoung lets out a loud snort at Nichkhun‘s dry joke, gaining himself a few curious (and annoyed) glances from the people near him. Back then, Nichkhun’s relationship with Tiffany was like an open secret in the entertainment industry. At one point, Wooyoung believed it had also reached the fans even though they never really prodded Nichkhun about it. After years and years of repeated on and off relationship though, Nichkhun and Tiffany finally called it quits. Call him mean, cruel or any other unpleasant stuff, but Wooyoung’s actually glad that they did and that Nichkhun had the chance to meet Suchin and marry her, because Wooyoung honestly thinks Nichkhun is a lot more happier and livelier when he’s with Suchin than he ever was with Tiffany.
Yes, so she will hate you that you named her after your ex and then she will run to me and I shall raise her as my own daughter ^0^ Wooyoung replies jokingly, adding Khun, congratulations. You and Suchin will make such good parents for your children and actually means what he said this time. I am so proud of and happy for you.
He reads and replies to all the other mails as well. Even though sometimes it takes a lot of time for them all to reply back, they always try to keep in touch with each other whenever they can. He hovers the cursor over his sent items and double-clicks it, scrolling down to see whether it was him who hadn’t replied to Junho’s mail. Wooyoung sighs heavily when he finds out he wasn’t wrong, that he had sent something to Junho and Junho was the one who did not write back to him. After that night, Wooyoung knows things might be a little awkward and strange for him and Junho right now, but he didn’t expect Junho to avoid him this much up to the point of ignoring Wooyoung and stopped talking to him completely. Wooyoung feels disappointed and hurt, but most of all sad at the feeling of as if he’s just lost an important person in his life- a best friend, a brother and maybe something more than that. But he doesn’t want to give up just yet, so he writes Junho another mail.
Junho-ya…How are you?
I’m sorry…Talk to me…
I miss you.
After staring at the screen for a whole, good ten minutes, Wooyoung backspaced the last sentence and finally presses the send button. He hopes Junho will reply to him this time because they have a lot, lot, lot of talking to do.
+
Three weeks later, Wooyoung still hasn’t got any replies from Junho. That’s when Wooyoung starts losing pieces of his mind and sanity little by little everyday.
His nightmares are getting frequent and intense, and as if the Gods are enjoying this game of torturing him, for some unclear reasons, their morning wake-up call has been replaced by a loud siren instead of the usual whistle. That’s the worst part of this all, because on some unlucky days, the siren triggers the overwhelming surge of emotions from that night of September 6th. It’s far from pleasant, having to relive it all over again and Wooyoung often wakes up suffocating, drenched in his sweat and feeling so hopeless that he keeps losing Junho over and over again without given any chance to try to explain and change anything.
Wooyoung can’t even ignore all the “Are you okay? What happened to you and Junho?” questions included in every email from the rest of his brothers anymore, because he knows he’s not okay and he can’t even lie to himself anymore.
He’s not suicidal, no, Wooyoung doesn’t think he is. It’s just when Wooyoung has his hands pressed on the fabric of his sheets, when his fingertips run across the smooth material, he wonders how it feels like to wrap them all up around his neck. Will it be able to take the pain away and make it all stop for good?
Wooyoung thinks of Minseo, and then Junho’s shouting at him.
You can’t do this to me!
Wooyoung throws the sheets away and runs to the toilet, vomiting everything he ate for dinner earlier on.
No, I’m not okay.
+
It’s bright and sunny on the day Wooyoung is discharged. There’s a group of his fans welcoming Wooyoung back into society as a different man- one that’s fulfilled his duty and shown his loyalty and patriotism to their county- happy tears, proud smiles and genuine it’s been hard on you. Good job! waiting for him everywhere. Even though it’s not something uncommon to have a large group of people waiting and rooting for him like this, it’s still a bit awkward to face them after a very long while and Wooyoung is almost at loss of how to handle this situation. Wooyoung gives a smile back in return, making a small speech of thanking them and accepting all their warm wishes and gifts, still very much touched and loved and appreciated seeing the new and especially the familiar faces that have always been there with him since the beginning.
“We’ve grown old together very well,” Wooyoung says to them, and indeed his Pretty Princesses(or Sexy Ladies- a name that’s stuck to his fans since his solo debut days) have nothing back to offer but a solid proof to his statement seeing how they’ve calmly smiled and agreed to his words instead of bursting into a fit of squealing and screaming just like they would ten to eleven years ago. “See, I don’t even have to shush you guys anymore. Everyone used to be so loud back then,” he jokes. He is met with hearty laughter from them all, little teasing here and there and even clicks of their very high-tech cameras. They used to bring around bulky DSLRs and expensive lenses with them just to catch a few glimpse of decent photos of him, but now everything is compact and handy with a lot advanced features that Wooyoung doesn’t even want to get into yet. Wooyoung kindly poses for them and takes photos with them, and just as he started to warm up to their presence, unfortunately he has to leave then because he has a family waiting for him back at home.
“Everyone, see you again soon,” he says, complete with the wave of his hands. Wooyoung walks to a place much more quieter than the previous one where he sees his father and brother-in-law waiting for him with a rented van. A grin makes its way to his face, a sudden burst of warmth and relief flooding his heart being able to meet his family again. His father immediately pulls Wooyoung into a hug as soon as he settled down his duffel bag and the box full of gifts, no words exchanged between them verbally but rather through body languages. Just like Wooyoung himself, his father was never good at expressing his feelings properly but just by his actions, Wooyoung knows his father is glad that he’s returning for good and the pats on his back tells Wooyoung that his father is proud of him.
“Welcome back.” It was Joonwon, his brother-in-law, who greeted him. Wooyoung looks up at him and offers a smile as a thank you. Wooyoung’s father finally lets go of him, realizing they have to hurry back to the airport to catch their flight back to Busan. Wooyoung opens the door to the backseat, the sight before his eyes only further making him feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. He hops in carefully, shutting the door close trying to make as little sound as possible. Even so, the child sleeping on 2/3 of the seat stirs awake, sitting up and yawning with half-lidded eyes. When he sees Wooyoung though, his eyes quickly widened in recognition.
“Samchon!” he cheers, jumping onto Wooyoung and Wooyoung quickly embraces the small body in his arms.
“Hey buddy,” Wooyoung greets, pressing a kiss on the top of his nephew’s head. “You’re here to welcome me back too?”
“Ne samchon!” he replies with enthusiasm and excitedly adds “Samchon, Woojun has a little sister now!”
“Oh, really? What’s her name??” Wooyoung asks. Of course he knows his own niece’s name but decides to humor his little nephew. Wooyoung had missed his talkative Woojun. Being so close to Woojun like this again, hearing his voice and seeing the bright, innocent spark in his eyes makes Wooyoung feel calm. If he had to endure hell on his last few months of being a soldier, now he slowly feels the boulders on his shoulders slowly being lifted up. Wooyoung feels the pain and misery being replaced with warmth, feeling comforted and belonged with the presence of his family members and just by being with them, Wooyoung knows he’s not alone- never alone. It’s true that Wooyoung is disappointed in Junho, but also mostly in himself for not being able to handle and settle his problem properly even after months have passed- but right now, he’s just glad he didn’t disappoint his family. He feels stupid and ashamed that he even had the thoughts of hurting himself before.
“Samchon, Minji’s feet are so small! Her fingers are so tiny!” Woojun’s voice brings Wooyoung back from his thoughts.
“Really?” Wooyoung fakes a surprised gasp. “Even tinier than yours and Woobin’s?”
“Woojun is not tiny anymore, you know?” Woojun pouts in disapproval. “Everyone is just too big! But Woojun is still bigger than Woobin and Minji,” he says proudly. “Samchon, you’re too big. Minji might get scared of you so don’t come near her, okay?” Woojun wraps his arms around Wooyoung’s neck and leans his head down. “Woojun will play with you.”
Wooyoung only chuckles at his adorable nephew. He’s not sure if Woojun’s being overprotective of his little sister or if he just wants Wooyoung to himself. Either way, it was still so cute of him. Woojun was only three and a half years old when Wooyoung had to enlist but he has the most memories of Wooyoung so he is easily the most attached to his uncle out of the three of them siblings.
Woojun turns quiet again and slowly drifts off to sleep as Wooyoung lightly pats his hand on his nephew’s back. The rest of the journey was a blur of scenery and a crowd of unknown faces. Before Wooyoung knows it, he’s already back at his house in Busan where he is welcomed warmly by his mother, his sister and the rest of her kids. They proceed to pay a respect to the deceased grandparents, praying for their wellbeing at the other side and asking for blessings before they carry on with the rest of their activities for the day. The family of eight have a merry meal together, light chattering and laughter filling the air and Wooyoung suddenly realizes how much he had missed this, of how glad he is to be here again with his family. He hadn’t feel this happy for a long while and he allows himself to bask in that happiness as much as he possibly can.
The phone call comes right after dinner while Wooyoung’s in the middle of playing with his nephews and niece.
“It’s for you,” Joonwon says, passing the phone to Wooyoung and taking Minji into his arms in return. Seeing how Wooyoung’s hands are free from holding anything or anyone, Woobin quickly pounces onto him the same time Woojun jumps on Wooyoung’s back and just like that he’s sandwiched in between his little nephews.
“Got you, samchon!” Woojun says.
“Got chu, shamchon!” Woobin imitates his older brother.
“I surrender,” Wooyoung easily gives in and that effectively stops Woobin from latching onto his front, plopping down on Wooyoung’s folded legs and having a sudden interest on the cartoon playing on the television. The cartoon has Woojun’s attention too but he still has his arms around Wooyoung’s neck from behind. Wooyoung presses the phone onto his ear and says, “Hello?”
“Hello!” Woojun imitates Wooyoung this time, his giggles in the air and Wooyoung’s lips immediately curl into a smile.
“Hello?” Wooyoung says again.
“Hello, samchon,” Taecyeon’s voice greets him on the other end, mirth accompanying his tone.
“You…!” Wooyoung’s word trails off into a chuckle. “To what do I owe this pleasure of getting a call from Ok Taecyeon as soon as he’s released from service?”
“I know you missed me,” Taecyeon casually steers out of topic. “That’s why I’m meeting you in 5!”
“No, you’re not.” Woobin runs to his mother, whining and asking for milk. Woojun takes this opportunity to take Woobin’s place. Wooyoung clips the phone in between his shoulder and ear and playfully tickles Woojun by his sides.
“No, samchon!” Woojun laughs and squirms, trying to run away. Taecyeon’s voice was barely just a noise in the receiver.
“Samchon, are you listening?” Taecyeon calls for him again in a singsong voice. Now that’s Wooyoung finally paying attention, he can hear muffled laughter at the background, along with Taec’s “Shh!”
“Who’s there with you?” Wooyoung asks. By now, Woojun’s successfully escaped from him and he’s left sitting on his own on the floor.
“Chansung,” Taecyeon says, not bothered with hiding and keeping it a surprise from Wooyoung. “Let’s go out and party tonight!”
“No,” Wooyoung replies heartlessly without consideration. “Don’t you have family to go back to?” He stretches his arms and yawns. “Besides, I’m tired.”
“Don’t be a spoilsport! Being old is not your role. It’s Minjun’s.”
“Yah!” a voice shouts after Taecyeon and Wooyoung widens his eyes in recognition.
“Minjun is there with you guys?” Wooyoung is not sure how is that even possible. Even if Minjun was given permission to go out, he was supposed to spend time with his family instead of out and about with Taecyeon and Chansung like this.
“We invited JunBros,” Taecyeon says distractedly. Wooyoung’s eyes widen again but this time in surprise at the information he’d just heard from Taecyeon. Does this mean Junho is with them too? “We’re already outside.” At this, Wooyoung quickly gets up from his seat without thinking twice and rushes to the main door. “If you don’t come out, we’ll make a ruckus until you-”
As soon as the door flies open, four pairs of eyes quickly turn to him. It’s not like Wooyoung knows what to do or say to Junho if he had met him right then, but he thought meeting the younger one once again would at least help to ease the worries and untangle the knots in his messy mind a little. But no, unfortunately, when Wooyoung briefly scans the faces, he isn’t met with the one he wanted to see the most.
Nichkhun chokes on his drink as a belated reaction, with Chansung patting his hand on Nichkhun’s back as a gesture meant to help but only violent cough comes out of Nichkhun’s mouth.
“Me being here was supposed to be a surprise!” Nichkhun wails, eyes teary from all the coughing. “I even thought of a good place to hide.” Chansung coos, his pats turning into rubs against Nichkhun’s back. At the same time, Taecyeon blinks his eyes and hangs up on the call, saying “Well, that was fast and easy.”
Wooyoung shakes his head to drop the thoughts off his mind, feeling someone bumping and latching himself on his right leg. He looks down to see Woobin drinking his milk from the bottle as he looks at the four guys with eyes full of interest and curiosity. Seeing Woobin, Nichkhun wipes his palm on his teary eyes and sits down on his heels.
“Hello little buddy! What’s your name?” Nichkhun coos, a huge grin plastered on his face as he gently pulls Woobin away from behind Wooyoung’s leg. Chansung and Minjun join Nichkhun sitting down on their heels to greet Woobin.
“You had a child right before you enlisted and you never told us about him?” Taecyeon mocks a hurtful expression.
“Very funny, Taec,” Wooyoung rolls his eyes but feels glad at the same time that Taecyeon’s distracting him from his initial thoughts of Junho, of why he’s not here and where is he then? Wooyoung lets the disappointment, curiosity and worry to dissipate into thin air. Throughout his remaining days in the army, Wooyoung’s spent so much time wondering and worrying over Junho- getting exhausted, sick and anxious over something that had already happened and he no longer has control over. He should have gotten tired of it right now, should have started taking steps to let go and move on. Indeed, he is tired. Wooyoung just can’t find a way to stop or forget. How is he supposed to move on without tackling the problem in hand first? There’s just so much questions and doubts and Wooyoung wants at least half of them answered or eased first. Wooyoung wants- needs to talk to Junho so they can fix whatever’s been broken and patch up the holes in their relationship so they can be the old them, back to the days before September 6th happened.
“Let’s go out,” Taecyeon drapes an arm over Wooyoung’s shoulders. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” he gives a meaningful grin at Wooyoung. Wooyoung eyes Taecyeon suspiciously, swatting the arm away from his shoulders but doesn’t try to decline this time. Wooyoung puts the phone back to its place, grabs his jacket and hat, and informs his mother that he’ll be out for a while. Wooyoung leaves together with the rest of his friends.
It isn’t one of the freezing nights yet in December, but it’s still cold- enough to make Wooyoung’s teeth chatter together. Rubbing his hands together and shoving them down his pockets doesn’t help much, and even though the rest of them has made a point of keeping themselves warm with the beers they bought, Wooyoung refused to indulge himself in any alcoholic beverages- not tonight, not ever again.
The ‘party’ Taecyeon spoke of earlier on the phone isn’t really a party. It’s more like a get together- a reunion Taecyeon and Chansung had planned couple of weeks before they were released from service that day, personally calling everyone (except Wooyoung) to let them know about it.
“You should have told me earlier,” Wooyoung picks on it again. He doesn’t get why he’s the only one that didn’t get informed about the so-called party. Apparently, according to them, it‘s because he‘d be in Busan anyway and they didn’t see any problem of telling Wooyoung about it on that day itself.
“And if it makes things any better, Minjun didn’t know Nichkhun was coming either,” Chansung tells him. “He wanted to surprise you guys.”
“I did,” Nichkhun admits. He chugs on his beer and lets out a sigh of contentment. “Ah, I’ve missed this.”
Chansung raises his bottle and clinks it against Nichkhun’s. “Me too.”
“But I could have thought and picked a better place for us all,” Wooyoung adds in, easily dismissing Nichkhun and Chansung, cursing lightly in a hushed voice as the chilly breeze blew and hit his face again. It’s stupid to have a meet up on one of the street stalls by the beach in the middle of winter, but for some reason Wooyoung was lazy to argue and he couldn’t possibly win against four other guys anyway.
“Hey, this isn’t that bad of a place to have a party,” Taecyeon defends himself. It was his idea to go here in the first place. “’Sides, I thought you liked beaches.”
“Aww, how sweet. You remember,” Wooyoung compliments sarcastically, an insincere smile on his face. Taecyeon snorts and the rest of them chuckle, enjoying their drinks and light snacks on that cold night. Wooyoung shivers again.
“Aish, seriously.” Minjun’s complaint halts them all momentarily, eyeing him with curious eyes as the eldest unzips his jacket and fans his flushed face with his hand. When compared to Nichkhun and Chansung, Minjun’s not that good with his drinks either and maybe it’s because of the fact that he hasn’t touched alcohols in a while that he’s easily tipsy like this after just a few bottles of soju. “Why is it so warm in here?” The movement of his hand becomes faster before he finally gives up and takes his winter jacket off completely. “And why do we have to do this now? Should have waited until March at least when I’m officially off service.”
Taecyeon gives a toothy grin. “Sorry, bro. Can’t afford to wait that long. We’d probably be busy by then.”
“We’d make time for it. If we had waited until March, it would have been all the six of us instead of five like this,” Minjun makes his point. “Junho would come along for sure. There‘s no reason for him not to.”
At the mention of Junho’s name, Wooyoung feels his world stills. The knot tightens in his stomach up, up, up to his throat so even though Wooyoung wants to say something to break the sudden silence, he can’t. Wooyoung tilts his head up to meet his gaze with the others’, their eyes both curious and worried at the same time. Even the originally oblivious Minjun grasped at what his words have caused when silence enveloped their table, and his gaze is the most worried (yet calculating) amongst them all.
Nobody says anything for a very long time. It’s not completely silent considering that little chattering from other customers around them can still be heard, but Wooyoung hates it all the same. He hates the stares thrown at him, hates the suspicions and expectations that come along with it, hates that even though he picked a seat that’s facing away from the beach, he’s suddenly very well aware of the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and the images slowly form themselves in his mind.
Wooyoung loved beaches, having born and raised in the city they’re currently at. After that night in Phuket though, Wooyoung’s slowly grown to dislike it. At the beach by the side of the hotel in Phuket is where it all happened and even though they’re at a different country, different city and different beach, it doesn’t stop Wooyoung from remembering that night at all.
The silence’s too loud now. In his mind, Wooyoung can almost see Junho running towards the sea with his arms wide open and feet padding against the white sands. Wooyoung remembers how his heart fluttered at the warm ring of Junho’s laughter, remembers how blinding Junho’s smile was. Wooyoung also remembers how quickly they were replaced by Junho’s silence and terrified face.
No, Junho had said to him. The bright red substance from Junho’s palm dripped and splotched on the white sands. Junho’s You can’t do this to me! echoes after the image of him running away from Wooyoung.
Wooyoung crumples the plastic cup in his hand, effectively shutting down all the images- memories from playing in his head. “Where is he?” Wooyoung finally asks. He’s not looking at any of them anymore but he can feel them exchanging glances with each other.
“I invited him,” Chansung starts. “But he said he couldn’t make it.”
“Why?” Wooyoung demands quietly.
“I…talked to him,” Nichkhun chimes in and Wooyoung’s eyes quickly flick at the older guy. “He’s out, but he has to go back home for his sister’s birthday,” he explains.
Wooyoung presses his lips into a thin line. “Are you sure that’s what he said?”
“Yeah,” Nichkhun affirms. Wooyoung catches the look on Taecyeon’s eyes and there’s something in them that said otherwise. Wooyoung casts his gaze back down on the table.
“Oh,” Wooyoung manages to say. Oh. Wooyoung knows they’re all close with each other and even with their family members as well, but it’s possible that not everyone remembers all of their birthdays. But Wooyoung remembers very clearly Junho and his family had celebrated his sister’s birthday way back in March because Junho had emailed to him some photos from the dinner party before. Now he’s not sure who’s lying- Junho or Nichkhun?- but it still stings all the same. Nichkhun is probably clueless of it and naively believed Junho, but it’s also possible that he knew and is covering up for him. It all points back to the same conclusion though; it’s not that Junho couldn’t join them, he did not want to, and that hurts Wooyoung beyond words can explain. Is it because of him that Junho refused to come and join them here? Did Junho plan not to talk or see Wooyoung ever again? Is he that scared of Wooyoung? Angry, maybe? Disgusted?
Wooyoung expected more from Junho. But then again, it’s been a hell lot confusing feelings for Wooyoung himself. Wooyoung’s been through a lot of mental stress ever since that night, and even though he’s hurt and sad over what had happened, even though he’s disappointed in Junho, he keeps telling himself there’s a reason why Junho is like this- that maybe he needs more time. Wooyoung convinces himself to give Junho a chance to explain himself- and maybe in return, Junho will give Wooyoung that chance to explain his own side of the story as well. But now, it seems like all of that has come to a waste.
Maybe all along, Junho didn’t even need that chance because it should be obvious that from the moment Junho stepped and ran away from Wooyoung, he does not want anything to do with Wooyoung anymore. There’s nothing to explain.
Wooyoung feels abandoned and betrayed. It hurts so bad realizing that there’s probably no way they can fix this anymore. This is probably it, the end of another chapter filled with so much unanswered questions, so much sadness, disappointment and hurt. It’s not something Wooyoung would have wanted to end something with, but it’s not like he has other choices to settle this with another way when the other party is not willing to cooperate well to come down with a good solution for the both of them.
“Are you okay?” someone asks. The suspicions still linger in the air around them but Wooyoung’s grateful that at least they’re not prodding themselves too much into this matter (yet), because they all know they’re grown enough to handle their own problems. The edge of Wooyoung’s lip twitches up into a small smirk before a scoff escapes from his mouth.
“I have no choice but to be okay,” Wooyoung mutters, downing the rest of his drink straight from the bottle. If he‘s not, Wooyoung thinks he might lose himself completely.
[Next]
Title: Délivre-Moi (set me free)
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s)/Focus: Wooyoung-centric
Length: 12,095 words
Summary: The water’s never deep enough to drown and set Wooyoung free.
Warnings: hinted suicidal thoughts, slight hints of depression
Notes: for biases! ♥ I… hope it’s not too disappointing.
Remixee author: biases
Title of work you remixed: Protège-Moi
Link to work you remixed: http://voyeurs.livejournal.com/6401.html
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
When Junho said Wooyoung can tell him anything, Wooyoung had believed him. Even though he hesitated at first, Wooyoung had braved himself and opened up because he had believed that Junho would understand and accept whatever may come, that even though Junho doesn’t feel the same, everything would still be the same.
That somehow, everything would be okay again.
But Junho, he- he ran away.
Wooyoung’s feet feel rooted on the ground he’s standing on, unable to move them no matter how hard he tries to. So he stays there unmoving, watching as Junho staggers farther and farther away from him, getting so out of reach with every passing second.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
There wasn’t any assurance from Junho’s side- not even a simple encouragement to put a little peace to Wooyoung’s mind. Junho’s reaction was truly unexpected, the look on Junho’s face burned into his mind and will probably leave a permanent scar there.
Was that shock? Fear? Disgust?
Initially, maybe it had been shock before the fear seeped in and everything dissolved into disgust once it had fully sunk in Junho’s head. Wooyoung’s insides twist, all of the foods he’s taken in for that day threatening to move up and escape from his body. The sands prickle against his feet- little reminders that he’s here, still here and that everything is really happening.
What should he do now? Run after Junho and apologize? Tell Junho he was just kidding? Explain what just happened to the other members and ask them to talk to Junho for him? But what if they all turned and ran away too? Can he take that again?
Lights of colors burst in the air, painting and giving life to the dark, dull sky. Wooyoung hears quiet laughter from afar and when his gaze falls down on the group of people who had lighted up the fireworks, he’s finally aware that he’s here for Nichkhun’s and Suchin’s wedding. No, Wooyoung shakes his head. This was supposed to be a happy day. He was supposed to be in there celebrating with all the other members and guests, having the time of his life after such a long, long time because right after this all ends, he has to be back in Korea- back to his base in Yeosu where he has to put his uniform on again and be a responsible citizen to complete his duty for his beloved country. This was someone else’s good and memorable day- he’s not supposed to be selfish and ruin it with his current situation.
They should have stayed inside. It’s too late to realize this now.
As he moves his gaze and stares at the little red splotches splattered on the white, white sand, the sirens went off somewhere from a distance.
Not only did it wake Wooyoung from his thoughts, it’s served as a switch to complete the circuit of reaction in him as well. Just like the waves crashing against the shores, Wooyoung feels the panic, worry and fear surging over him all at once. His knees buckled from the overwhelming feels, falling on the ground on all fours.
This isn’t the first time Wooyoung’s experiencing disappointment and heartbreak. There were times in his life when he had to go through difficult periods before; ending up a relationship that he had put a lot of commitments and efforts in, flopping his third solo album, and even saying last goodbye to a dear friend whom he lost to cancer after years and years of battling with the fatal illness. Even so, he’s always managed to get back on his feet, managed to gather back the little pieces of his broken heart and glue them back together. But this- this time, it feels different and Wooyoung can’t understand why. It’s like his chest’s been cut open, his heart taken out and set on fire to burn to ashes until it’s hard to see for any sign of its existence anymore. How is he supposed to make it beat again, to continue living after this?
He doesn’t know, never knew it was possible to experience a pain this huge.
+
Everything that’s happened on the night of September 6th keeps on spinning around his head and Wooyoung only wishes he knew the switch to turn it all off forever. Even after getting back to his harsh training, nothing can distract and stop his mind from going back to that night and Wooyoung has to suffer seeing the same scenes replaying over and over again.
It all comes back to him in grainy images with static noises buzzing in his ears, the images of the beach, wine glasses and of Junho running towards the sea flickering one by one, followed by the look on Junho’s face playing vividly in his mind, laughter and voices drowned by the sound of the waves crashing and then Junho’s shouting. Shouting.
No.
No.
No.
You can’t do this to me!
Wooyoung wakes up feeling very much nauseated, cold sweat formed on his forehead trickling the side of his face and palms shaky as he holds on the hem of his blanket tightly. Wooyoung’s not sure how many sleep he’s lost but he does know he’s been getting a lot of this dream since that day it all happened.
Wooyoung pulls the blanket closer to himself and turns on his side. Taking a deep breath in, he tries to calm himself down and waits patiently for his stomach to settle down and wash the sickness away. It’s still dark and everyone’s still asleep and even though Wooyoung’s tired and he knows he should be getting some more rest, he’s not sure he wants to, afraid that the nightmare might come back to haunt him again. He emptily blinks his eyes instead, and then his gaze automatically trails up to that obvious empty spot on one of the bunk beds across of his, right to the roof above it.
Wooyoung didn’t know it was possible to feel so much worse than he already is. Since that day they found Minseo trying to hang himself, the said guy had been dismissed from duty for three weeks. But then he never came back again. From what Wooyoung heard, Minseo’s been transferred to a different base far, far away from Yeosu, but apparently closer to his hometown where his family could visit and check on him easily. Wooyoung never really got the chance to apologize for all the hurtful things he’s said to Minseo, and that makes him feel like shit, like he’s the worst person that has ever existed in the history of humankind. Wooyoung often wonders though, if the shitty, sickening feeling he felt when Junho turned and ran away from him could be compared to how Minseo felt when Wooyoung sort of rejected him and laughed at his face. If it could, then funny how karma works. Hit it in the face and it’ll come back right up at yours.
It’s always bone-chilling when the thought crosses his mind- the thought of how Minseo almost took his own life and especially knowing he was the reason behind it all. If Minseo had killed himself, Wooyoung honestly wouldn’t know how to live with himself for the rest of his life anymore. He’s just glad that someone had found and stopped Minseo before he could even try, or else Wooyoung would forever be living in his guilt and regrets.
Weekend is slowly approaching and Wooyoung welcomes it silently, watching as the time goes by. The lights are turned on a few hours later, loud piercing whistle echoing soon after as their daily wake-up call. Wooyoung’s the first to get up again today, immediately changing into his white shirt and black sweatpants and getting himself ready for their early morning run. He allows his tired mind to shut down a little, even if it’s just for a couple of hours, and focuses on their morning routine instead.
After another long, tiring day full of training, the night finally approaches. The soldiers are usually given off some free time during weekend’s nights. While some prefer to catch on their sleep or gather around to watch dramas together, there are also the rest of them who use these free times to catch up on updates on their family members and friends via public phones or internet. Wooyoung is definitely one of these people.
Every week, Wooyoung spends a full two hours reading and writing mails to his family and close friends. Since that day he got back from Thailand though, Wooyoung’s only sent one confirmation mail to each of his other 2PM’s members saying he was back at his base safe and sound, and after that he never really touched his inbox again. This night would be the first since the last time he checked his mails.
Wooyoung’s not sure why he’s nervous, but the fear is really there. It takes him a while to gather himself before he finally types in his username and password, and then he waits for few minutes before finally clicking the sign in button. His eyes quickly scan the names of the senders of the mails resting in his inbox, and feels his heart drops down to the pit of his stomach when he doesn’t see that one name he had been looking forward to talk to the most. Wooyoung finally understands why- or rather what he was scared of earlier on. This is exactly it; disappointment.
Wooyoung exhales deeply but decides to push the thought aside for a little while. He takes his time to open the mails and replies as much as he can. Wooyoung particularly smiles at his sister’s email saying how much they missed him and that she’s finally due for her third child in another three weeks time. Wooyoung tells her he misses them too and that he’s looking forward to meet the new addition to their family soon.
Next, Wooyoung opens the new mails from his other fellow members. They all wrote back to him, no matter how short or random the contents are. Unsurprisingly, Nichkhun’s email is always the longest one of them all, considering he has time to spare unbound by strict rules and duties, and he has the privilege to spend as much time as he wants to to write updates on his life for his 2PM brothers.
When Wooyoung met Nichkhun again on that day they arrived in Phuket, he had joked about wanting a niece or nephew from the newlyweds as soon as he can. There was a tint of blush formed on Nichkhun’s cheeks but his smile was calm and proud when he said that the baby would be greeting their 2PM uncles probably a few months after they finished their service. Wooyoung was slightly surprised to hear that from Nichkhun, but he was genuinely happy for his brother as well and so he congratulated Nichkhun right then too.
Even so, Nichkhun still wrote about Suchin’s pregnancy in his email this time around. Apparently, she’s already three and a half month pregnant with a healthy baby. We’re currently thinking of a suitable name for the baby, the mail says. If it’s a girl, do you think I should name her Tiffany? ㅋㅋㅋ Wooyoung lets out a loud snort at Nichkhun‘s dry joke, gaining himself a few curious (and annoyed) glances from the people near him. Back then, Nichkhun’s relationship with Tiffany was like an open secret in the entertainment industry. At one point, Wooyoung believed it had also reached the fans even though they never really prodded Nichkhun about it. After years and years of repeated on and off relationship though, Nichkhun and Tiffany finally called it quits. Call him mean, cruel or any other unpleasant stuff, but Wooyoung’s actually glad that they did and that Nichkhun had the chance to meet Suchin and marry her, because Wooyoung honestly thinks Nichkhun is a lot more happier and livelier when he’s with Suchin than he ever was with Tiffany.
Yes, so she will hate you that you named her after your ex and then she will run to me and I shall raise her as my own daughter ^0^ Wooyoung replies jokingly, adding Khun, congratulations. You and Suchin will make such good parents for your children and actually means what he said this time. I am so proud of and happy for you.
He reads and replies to all the other mails as well. Even though sometimes it takes a lot of time for them all to reply back, they always try to keep in touch with each other whenever they can. He hovers the cursor over his sent items and double-clicks it, scrolling down to see whether it was him who hadn’t replied to Junho’s mail. Wooyoung sighs heavily when he finds out he wasn’t wrong, that he had sent something to Junho and Junho was the one who did not write back to him. After that night, Wooyoung knows things might be a little awkward and strange for him and Junho right now, but he didn’t expect Junho to avoid him this much up to the point of ignoring Wooyoung and stopped talking to him completely. Wooyoung feels disappointed and hurt, but most of all sad at the feeling of as if he’s just lost an important person in his life- a best friend, a brother and maybe something more than that. But he doesn’t want to give up just yet, so he writes Junho another mail.
Junho-ya…How are you?
I’m sorry…Talk to me…
I miss you.
After staring at the screen for a whole, good ten minutes, Wooyoung backspaced the last sentence and finally presses the send button. He hopes Junho will reply to him this time because they have a lot, lot, lot of talking to do.
+
Three weeks later, Wooyoung still hasn’t got any replies from Junho. That’s when Wooyoung starts losing pieces of his mind and sanity little by little everyday.
His nightmares are getting frequent and intense, and as if the Gods are enjoying this game of torturing him, for some unclear reasons, their morning wake-up call has been replaced by a loud siren instead of the usual whistle. That’s the worst part of this all, because on some unlucky days, the siren triggers the overwhelming surge of emotions from that night of September 6th. It’s far from pleasant, having to relive it all over again and Wooyoung often wakes up suffocating, drenched in his sweat and feeling so hopeless that he keeps losing Junho over and over again without given any chance to try to explain and change anything.
Wooyoung can’t even ignore all the “Are you okay? What happened to you and Junho?” questions included in every email from the rest of his brothers anymore, because he knows he’s not okay and he can’t even lie to himself anymore.
He’s not suicidal, no, Wooyoung doesn’t think he is. It’s just when Wooyoung has his hands pressed on the fabric of his sheets, when his fingertips run across the smooth material, he wonders how it feels like to wrap them all up around his neck. Will it be able to take the pain away and make it all stop for good?
Wooyoung thinks of Minseo, and then Junho’s shouting at him.
You can’t do this to me!
Wooyoung throws the sheets away and runs to the toilet, vomiting everything he ate for dinner earlier on.
No, I’m not okay.
+
It’s bright and sunny on the day Wooyoung is discharged. There’s a group of his fans welcoming Wooyoung back into society as a different man- one that’s fulfilled his duty and shown his loyalty and patriotism to their county- happy tears, proud smiles and genuine it’s been hard on you. Good job! waiting for him everywhere. Even though it’s not something uncommon to have a large group of people waiting and rooting for him like this, it’s still a bit awkward to face them after a very long while and Wooyoung is almost at loss of how to handle this situation. Wooyoung gives a smile back in return, making a small speech of thanking them and accepting all their warm wishes and gifts, still very much touched and loved and appreciated seeing the new and especially the familiar faces that have always been there with him since the beginning.
“We’ve grown old together very well,” Wooyoung says to them, and indeed his Pretty Princesses(or Sexy Ladies- a name that’s stuck to his fans since his solo debut days) have nothing back to offer but a solid proof to his statement seeing how they’ve calmly smiled and agreed to his words instead of bursting into a fit of squealing and screaming just like they would ten to eleven years ago. “See, I don’t even have to shush you guys anymore. Everyone used to be so loud back then,” he jokes. He is met with hearty laughter from them all, little teasing here and there and even clicks of their very high-tech cameras. They used to bring around bulky DSLRs and expensive lenses with them just to catch a few glimpse of decent photos of him, but now everything is compact and handy with a lot advanced features that Wooyoung doesn’t even want to get into yet. Wooyoung kindly poses for them and takes photos with them, and just as he started to warm up to their presence, unfortunately he has to leave then because he has a family waiting for him back at home.
“Everyone, see you again soon,” he says, complete with the wave of his hands. Wooyoung walks to a place much more quieter than the previous one where he sees his father and brother-in-law waiting for him with a rented van. A grin makes its way to his face, a sudden burst of warmth and relief flooding his heart being able to meet his family again. His father immediately pulls Wooyoung into a hug as soon as he settled down his duffel bag and the box full of gifts, no words exchanged between them verbally but rather through body languages. Just like Wooyoung himself, his father was never good at expressing his feelings properly but just by his actions, Wooyoung knows his father is glad that he’s returning for good and the pats on his back tells Wooyoung that his father is proud of him.
“Welcome back.” It was Joonwon, his brother-in-law, who greeted him. Wooyoung looks up at him and offers a smile as a thank you. Wooyoung’s father finally lets go of him, realizing they have to hurry back to the airport to catch their flight back to Busan. Wooyoung opens the door to the backseat, the sight before his eyes only further making him feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. He hops in carefully, shutting the door close trying to make as little sound as possible. Even so, the child sleeping on 2/3 of the seat stirs awake, sitting up and yawning with half-lidded eyes. When he sees Wooyoung though, his eyes quickly widened in recognition.
“Samchon!” he cheers, jumping onto Wooyoung and Wooyoung quickly embraces the small body in his arms.
“Hey buddy,” Wooyoung greets, pressing a kiss on the top of his nephew’s head. “You’re here to welcome me back too?”
“Ne samchon!” he replies with enthusiasm and excitedly adds “Samchon, Woojun has a little sister now!”
“Oh, really? What’s her name??” Wooyoung asks. Of course he knows his own niece’s name but decides to humor his little nephew. Wooyoung had missed his talkative Woojun. Being so close to Woojun like this again, hearing his voice and seeing the bright, innocent spark in his eyes makes Wooyoung feel calm. If he had to endure hell on his last few months of being a soldier, now he slowly feels the boulders on his shoulders slowly being lifted up. Wooyoung feels the pain and misery being replaced with warmth, feeling comforted and belonged with the presence of his family members and just by being with them, Wooyoung knows he’s not alone- never alone. It’s true that Wooyoung is disappointed in Junho, but also mostly in himself for not being able to handle and settle his problem properly even after months have passed- but right now, he’s just glad he didn’t disappoint his family. He feels stupid and ashamed that he even had the thoughts of hurting himself before.
“Samchon, Minji’s feet are so small! Her fingers are so tiny!” Woojun’s voice brings Wooyoung back from his thoughts.
“Really?” Wooyoung fakes a surprised gasp. “Even tinier than yours and Woobin’s?”
“Woojun is not tiny anymore, you know?” Woojun pouts in disapproval. “Everyone is just too big! But Woojun is still bigger than Woobin and Minji,” he says proudly. “Samchon, you’re too big. Minji might get scared of you so don’t come near her, okay?” Woojun wraps his arms around Wooyoung’s neck and leans his head down. “Woojun will play with you.”
Wooyoung only chuckles at his adorable nephew. He’s not sure if Woojun’s being overprotective of his little sister or if he just wants Wooyoung to himself. Either way, it was still so cute of him. Woojun was only three and a half years old when Wooyoung had to enlist but he has the most memories of Wooyoung so he is easily the most attached to his uncle out of the three of them siblings.
Woojun turns quiet again and slowly drifts off to sleep as Wooyoung lightly pats his hand on his nephew’s back. The rest of the journey was a blur of scenery and a crowd of unknown faces. Before Wooyoung knows it, he’s already back at his house in Busan where he is welcomed warmly by his mother, his sister and the rest of her kids. They proceed to pay a respect to the deceased grandparents, praying for their wellbeing at the other side and asking for blessings before they carry on with the rest of their activities for the day. The family of eight have a merry meal together, light chattering and laughter filling the air and Wooyoung suddenly realizes how much he had missed this, of how glad he is to be here again with his family. He hadn’t feel this happy for a long while and he allows himself to bask in that happiness as much as he possibly can.
The phone call comes right after dinner while Wooyoung’s in the middle of playing with his nephews and niece.
“It’s for you,” Joonwon says, passing the phone to Wooyoung and taking Minji into his arms in return. Seeing how Wooyoung’s hands are free from holding anything or anyone, Woobin quickly pounces onto him the same time Woojun jumps on Wooyoung’s back and just like that he’s sandwiched in between his little nephews.
“Got you, samchon!” Woojun says.
“Got chu, shamchon!” Woobin imitates his older brother.
“I surrender,” Wooyoung easily gives in and that effectively stops Woobin from latching onto his front, plopping down on Wooyoung’s folded legs and having a sudden interest on the cartoon playing on the television. The cartoon has Woojun’s attention too but he still has his arms around Wooyoung’s neck from behind. Wooyoung presses the phone onto his ear and says, “Hello?”
“Hello!” Woojun imitates Wooyoung this time, his giggles in the air and Wooyoung’s lips immediately curl into a smile.
“Hello?” Wooyoung says again.
“Hello, samchon,” Taecyeon’s voice greets him on the other end, mirth accompanying his tone.
“You…!” Wooyoung’s word trails off into a chuckle. “To what do I owe this pleasure of getting a call from Ok Taecyeon as soon as he’s released from service?”
“I know you missed me,” Taecyeon casually steers out of topic. “That’s why I’m meeting you in 5!”
“No, you’re not.” Woobin runs to his mother, whining and asking for milk. Woojun takes this opportunity to take Woobin’s place. Wooyoung clips the phone in between his shoulder and ear and playfully tickles Woojun by his sides.
“No, samchon!” Woojun laughs and squirms, trying to run away. Taecyeon’s voice was barely just a noise in the receiver.
“Samchon, are you listening?” Taecyeon calls for him again in a singsong voice. Now that’s Wooyoung finally paying attention, he can hear muffled laughter at the background, along with Taec’s “Shh!”
“Who’s there with you?” Wooyoung asks. By now, Woojun’s successfully escaped from him and he’s left sitting on his own on the floor.
“Chansung,” Taecyeon says, not bothered with hiding and keeping it a surprise from Wooyoung. “Let’s go out and party tonight!”
“No,” Wooyoung replies heartlessly without consideration. “Don’t you have family to go back to?” He stretches his arms and yawns. “Besides, I’m tired.”
“Don’t be a spoilsport! Being old is not your role. It’s Minjun’s.”
“Yah!” a voice shouts after Taecyeon and Wooyoung widens his eyes in recognition.
“Minjun is there with you guys?” Wooyoung is not sure how is that even possible. Even if Minjun was given permission to go out, he was supposed to spend time with his family instead of out and about with Taecyeon and Chansung like this.
“We invited JunBros,” Taecyeon says distractedly. Wooyoung’s eyes widen again but this time in surprise at the information he’d just heard from Taecyeon. Does this mean Junho is with them too? “We’re already outside.” At this, Wooyoung quickly gets up from his seat without thinking twice and rushes to the main door. “If you don’t come out, we’ll make a ruckus until you-”
As soon as the door flies open, four pairs of eyes quickly turn to him. It’s not like Wooyoung knows what to do or say to Junho if he had met him right then, but he thought meeting the younger one once again would at least help to ease the worries and untangle the knots in his messy mind a little. But no, unfortunately, when Wooyoung briefly scans the faces, he isn’t met with the one he wanted to see the most.
Nichkhun chokes on his drink as a belated reaction, with Chansung patting his hand on Nichkhun’s back as a gesture meant to help but only violent cough comes out of Nichkhun’s mouth.
“Me being here was supposed to be a surprise!” Nichkhun wails, eyes teary from all the coughing. “I even thought of a good place to hide.” Chansung coos, his pats turning into rubs against Nichkhun’s back. At the same time, Taecyeon blinks his eyes and hangs up on the call, saying “Well, that was fast and easy.”
Wooyoung shakes his head to drop the thoughts off his mind, feeling someone bumping and latching himself on his right leg. He looks down to see Woobin drinking his milk from the bottle as he looks at the four guys with eyes full of interest and curiosity. Seeing Woobin, Nichkhun wipes his palm on his teary eyes and sits down on his heels.
“Hello little buddy! What’s your name?” Nichkhun coos, a huge grin plastered on his face as he gently pulls Woobin away from behind Wooyoung’s leg. Chansung and Minjun join Nichkhun sitting down on their heels to greet Woobin.
“You had a child right before you enlisted and you never told us about him?” Taecyeon mocks a hurtful expression.
“Very funny, Taec,” Wooyoung rolls his eyes but feels glad at the same time that Taecyeon’s distracting him from his initial thoughts of Junho, of why he’s not here and where is he then? Wooyoung lets the disappointment, curiosity and worry to dissipate into thin air. Throughout his remaining days in the army, Wooyoung’s spent so much time wondering and worrying over Junho- getting exhausted, sick and anxious over something that had already happened and he no longer has control over. He should have gotten tired of it right now, should have started taking steps to let go and move on. Indeed, he is tired. Wooyoung just can’t find a way to stop or forget. How is he supposed to move on without tackling the problem in hand first? There’s just so much questions and doubts and Wooyoung wants at least half of them answered or eased first. Wooyoung wants- needs to talk to Junho so they can fix whatever’s been broken and patch up the holes in their relationship so they can be the old them, back to the days before September 6th happened.
“Let’s go out,” Taecyeon drapes an arm over Wooyoung’s shoulders. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” he gives a meaningful grin at Wooyoung. Wooyoung eyes Taecyeon suspiciously, swatting the arm away from his shoulders but doesn’t try to decline this time. Wooyoung puts the phone back to its place, grabs his jacket and hat, and informs his mother that he’ll be out for a while. Wooyoung leaves together with the rest of his friends.
It isn’t one of the freezing nights yet in December, but it’s still cold- enough to make Wooyoung’s teeth chatter together. Rubbing his hands together and shoving them down his pockets doesn’t help much, and even though the rest of them has made a point of keeping themselves warm with the beers they bought, Wooyoung refused to indulge himself in any alcoholic beverages- not tonight, not ever again.
The ‘party’ Taecyeon spoke of earlier on the phone isn’t really a party. It’s more like a get together- a reunion Taecyeon and Chansung had planned couple of weeks before they were released from service that day, personally calling everyone (except Wooyoung) to let them know about it.
“You should have told me earlier,” Wooyoung picks on it again. He doesn’t get why he’s the only one that didn’t get informed about the so-called party. Apparently, according to them, it‘s because he‘d be in Busan anyway and they didn’t see any problem of telling Wooyoung about it on that day itself.
“And if it makes things any better, Minjun didn’t know Nichkhun was coming either,” Chansung tells him. “He wanted to surprise you guys.”
“I did,” Nichkhun admits. He chugs on his beer and lets out a sigh of contentment. “Ah, I’ve missed this.”
Chansung raises his bottle and clinks it against Nichkhun’s. “Me too.”
“But I could have thought and picked a better place for us all,” Wooyoung adds in, easily dismissing Nichkhun and Chansung, cursing lightly in a hushed voice as the chilly breeze blew and hit his face again. It’s stupid to have a meet up on one of the street stalls by the beach in the middle of winter, but for some reason Wooyoung was lazy to argue and he couldn’t possibly win against four other guys anyway.
“Hey, this isn’t that bad of a place to have a party,” Taecyeon defends himself. It was his idea to go here in the first place. “’Sides, I thought you liked beaches.”
“Aww, how sweet. You remember,” Wooyoung compliments sarcastically, an insincere smile on his face. Taecyeon snorts and the rest of them chuckle, enjoying their drinks and light snacks on that cold night. Wooyoung shivers again.
“Aish, seriously.” Minjun’s complaint halts them all momentarily, eyeing him with curious eyes as the eldest unzips his jacket and fans his flushed face with his hand. When compared to Nichkhun and Chansung, Minjun’s not that good with his drinks either and maybe it’s because of the fact that he hasn’t touched alcohols in a while that he’s easily tipsy like this after just a few bottles of soju. “Why is it so warm in here?” The movement of his hand becomes faster before he finally gives up and takes his winter jacket off completely. “And why do we have to do this now? Should have waited until March at least when I’m officially off service.”
Taecyeon gives a toothy grin. “Sorry, bro. Can’t afford to wait that long. We’d probably be busy by then.”
“We’d make time for it. If we had waited until March, it would have been all the six of us instead of five like this,” Minjun makes his point. “Junho would come along for sure. There‘s no reason for him not to.”
At the mention of Junho’s name, Wooyoung feels his world stills. The knot tightens in his stomach up, up, up to his throat so even though Wooyoung wants to say something to break the sudden silence, he can’t. Wooyoung tilts his head up to meet his gaze with the others’, their eyes both curious and worried at the same time. Even the originally oblivious Minjun grasped at what his words have caused when silence enveloped their table, and his gaze is the most worried (yet calculating) amongst them all.
Nobody says anything for a very long time. It’s not completely silent considering that little chattering from other customers around them can still be heard, but Wooyoung hates it all the same. He hates the stares thrown at him, hates the suspicions and expectations that come along with it, hates that even though he picked a seat that’s facing away from the beach, he’s suddenly very well aware of the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and the images slowly form themselves in his mind.
Wooyoung loved beaches, having born and raised in the city they’re currently at. After that night in Phuket though, Wooyoung’s slowly grown to dislike it. At the beach by the side of the hotel in Phuket is where it all happened and even though they’re at a different country, different city and different beach, it doesn’t stop Wooyoung from remembering that night at all.
The silence’s too loud now. In his mind, Wooyoung can almost see Junho running towards the sea with his arms wide open and feet padding against the white sands. Wooyoung remembers how his heart fluttered at the warm ring of Junho’s laughter, remembers how blinding Junho’s smile was. Wooyoung also remembers how quickly they were replaced by Junho’s silence and terrified face.
No, Junho had said to him. The bright red substance from Junho’s palm dripped and splotched on the white sands. Junho’s You can’t do this to me! echoes after the image of him running away from Wooyoung.
Wooyoung crumples the plastic cup in his hand, effectively shutting down all the images- memories from playing in his head. “Where is he?” Wooyoung finally asks. He’s not looking at any of them anymore but he can feel them exchanging glances with each other.
“I invited him,” Chansung starts. “But he said he couldn’t make it.”
“Why?” Wooyoung demands quietly.
“I…talked to him,” Nichkhun chimes in and Wooyoung’s eyes quickly flick at the older guy. “He’s out, but he has to go back home for his sister’s birthday,” he explains.
Wooyoung presses his lips into a thin line. “Are you sure that’s what he said?”
“Yeah,” Nichkhun affirms. Wooyoung catches the look on Taecyeon’s eyes and there’s something in them that said otherwise. Wooyoung casts his gaze back down on the table.
“Oh,” Wooyoung manages to say. Oh. Wooyoung knows they’re all close with each other and even with their family members as well, but it’s possible that not everyone remembers all of their birthdays. But Wooyoung remembers very clearly Junho and his family had celebrated his sister’s birthday way back in March because Junho had emailed to him some photos from the dinner party before. Now he’s not sure who’s lying- Junho or Nichkhun?- but it still stings all the same. Nichkhun is probably clueless of it and naively believed Junho, but it’s also possible that he knew and is covering up for him. It all points back to the same conclusion though; it’s not that Junho couldn’t join them, he did not want to, and that hurts Wooyoung beyond words can explain. Is it because of him that Junho refused to come and join them here? Did Junho plan not to talk or see Wooyoung ever again? Is he that scared of Wooyoung? Angry, maybe? Disgusted?
Wooyoung expected more from Junho. But then again, it’s been a hell lot confusing feelings for Wooyoung himself. Wooyoung’s been through a lot of mental stress ever since that night, and even though he’s hurt and sad over what had happened, even though he’s disappointed in Junho, he keeps telling himself there’s a reason why Junho is like this- that maybe he needs more time. Wooyoung convinces himself to give Junho a chance to explain himself- and maybe in return, Junho will give Wooyoung that chance to explain his own side of the story as well. But now, it seems like all of that has come to a waste.
Maybe all along, Junho didn’t even need that chance because it should be obvious that from the moment Junho stepped and ran away from Wooyoung, he does not want anything to do with Wooyoung anymore. There’s nothing to explain.
Wooyoung feels abandoned and betrayed. It hurts so bad realizing that there’s probably no way they can fix this anymore. This is probably it, the end of another chapter filled with so much unanswered questions, so much sadness, disappointment and hurt. It’s not something Wooyoung would have wanted to end something with, but it’s not like he has other choices to settle this with another way when the other party is not willing to cooperate well to come down with a good solution for the both of them.
“Are you okay?” someone asks. The suspicions still linger in the air around them but Wooyoung’s grateful that at least they’re not prodding themselves too much into this matter (yet), because they all know they’re grown enough to handle their own problems. The edge of Wooyoung’s lip twitches up into a small smirk before a scoff escapes from his mouth.
“I have no choice but to be okay,” Wooyoung mutters, downing the rest of his drink straight from the bottle. If he‘s not, Wooyoung thinks he might lose himself completely.
[Next]