#33 [2PM, Nichkhun/Wooyoung] Pt2

[kpop_ficmix_mod]

[Previous]

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Wooyoung is watching The Walking Dead with some mild curiosity when he hears the door being unlocked from the outside, hushed voices, and then Taecyeon and Junsu enter the dormitory, one distressed as the other barely keeps his eyes open. Wooyoung doesn’t ask why they’re here; maybe he lost track of time and they’re all late for rehearsal? Do they even have to practice today though? He hasn’t slept all night except for some quick, unsatisfying shuteye after which he would jerk awake and scare Jeonggam. The cat was not supposed to stay with them anymore, but Chansung brought it back after Christmas and the distraction has been well-received. Now, however, Jeonggam is ignored by Junsu, who throws himself on the sofa, head on one of Wooyoung’s thighs, and by Taecyeon, who's never really liked cats despite drawing them all the time.

“Are you the only one up?” Taecyeon asks as he takes a scarf off and hangs it over an orange windbreaker by the door.

Wooyoung shrugs. “What time is it?”

Junsu smiles up at him as if Wooyoung’s just made a joke, which is not the case. “It’s early,” he says instead, and tugs at Wooyoung’s hand to make him touch his hair. The other complies absentmindedly; his eyes are inconspicuously trained on Taecyeon. He wants to ask what's wrong, but his hyung goes to Chansung’s room and Jeonggam follows. Junsu doesn’t look like he knows anything so Wooyoung's attention is drawn to the TV again as a short-haired woman bashes a man's head in and a blonde is crying over what seems to be her daughter-turned-to-a-zombie.

Junsu has dozed off by the time Junho appears, eyes virtually shut as he drags his feet to the living room and tumbles on top of the cushions and pillows in front of the sofa. He mumbles something that resembles “whyyyitsnotevenfiveyetwhyyy.” Wooyoung doesn’t bother answering. Junsu turns on the sofa just to kick his butt and Junho yelps, tries to slap his foot, but doesn’t move from his spot.

“Go prepare your hyung some breakfast!”

Wooyoung arches an eyebrow at Junsu’s use of hyung in singular form, but his attention is drawn to Junho again, whose muffled reply this time sounds like “Itswoosturntodoeeet.”

Wooyoung pushes at his butt with one foot. “Then, get this offending hump out of the way,” and even though his voice is flat, there’s the hint of a smile there. It vanishes when Junho throws pillows at them and succeeds at hitting Wooyoung’s face on the third try. Things have been slightly better between them. Junho hasn't broached the subject again and he seems to have accepted Wooyoung's silence for now, which makes the latter feel relaxed enough to lower the walls and be playful too. He flings the pillows back at Junho and is satisfied by hitting his butt once more.

Junsu’s laughing silently and Wooyoung pushes his face away rudely as he gets up and basically walks over Junho’s back on the way to the kitchen. Junho tries to make him fall, but he’s too lazy now to actually turn face-up and grab his leg or anything so Wooyoung escapes easily.

He’s been staring at the contents in the cupboard for a long time when Taecyeon enters the kitchen, followed by Chansung, who nods at him before grabbing a bunch of bananas and sitting at the table.

Taecyeon doesn’t sit down, though. He stands next to him, hand on his chin, greasy eyebrows teasing at him. “Watcha cooking for breakfast, Woodong?”

He realizes right then that he’s missed Taecyeon’s sense of humor even though it annoys him sometimes, and that its return is as suspicious as the agitation he’s obviously trying to conceal. “Whatever’s left of your brains once Toshio strikes in.” His sarcasm seems to relieve the other, and Wooyoung side-eyes him. “What’s eating you?”

“Zombies, apparently.”

“Toshio is a ghost.”

“He’s your alter-ego. I say it’s a zombie.”

He might be just playing around with the fact that Wooyoung hasn't been sleeping much lately, add that to the show he's been watching, and Taecyeon's scored. Still, Wooyoung turns to look at him, really look at him, and Taecyeon holds his gaze. It’s for what feels like only half a second and Wooyoung might regret the surge of hope that makes his heart beat as if it’s alive again, but he can't repress the reaction as good as he can hide it.

“Hyung,” he says, and of course, Taecyeon catches on at how he says that, voice so low it’s barely audible. Wooyoung knows he has to ask. “Where is he?”

Taecyeon doesn’t answer, unless his calling someone on the phone has something to do with it. Wooyoung feels sick with anticipation, but he just stares as Taecyeon waits for somebody to answer the call. He notices Chansung has made Junsu and Junho come join them and maybe it’s the fact that they’re all close to Taecyeon, not much room left, which makes Wooyoung feel dizzy, but Junsu is behind him, hands on his shoulders, so if he falls, it won’t be such a big problem, right?

“Hey, guys,” Jaebum’s voice comes through the speakerphone and Wooyoung feels like he’s just been harshly woken up from a dream. But Chansung greets their pink grandpa excitedly and Junsu follows with crazy gangsta small talk that Junho tries to imitate, and Taecyeon greets him in a way that confirms this is not a simple confab.

Wooyoung feels sick again.

“Hey,” Jaebum says once more. “Is everybody there? Wooyoungie?”

“…hi,” he manages, and Junsu’s hands squeeze at his shoulders. Wooyoung doesn’t want to be comforted; he wants to know what the hell this is all about.

“You guys still looking for some Buck? Cause I’ve got one here.”

Silence.

Chansung laughs; Wooyoung bets it’s more out of hysteria than anything else. Junsu’s fingers are digging painfully into his flesh now, but Wooyoung doesn’t mind it as long as it keeps him-there. Junho’s smile breaks into a nervous unsure grin and Taecyeon just looks at them as if waiting for something, half unsure himself.

“I was expecting a better reaction,” Jaebum says. Wooyoung appreciates the light tone in his voice even if it’s annoying, too. “If you guys feel like talking to him, I can call back later-”

So he's not joking? He's not joking.

“For god’s sake, put him on the line!” says Junsu.

“Don’t you dare hang up now!” says Junho, almost at the same time.

“Nichkhun hyung?” says Chansung, a disbelieving yet hopeful grin playing at his lips.

Wooyoung waits.

“Hey,” comes a voice that is not Jaebum’s from the other side, a voice he can’t attach to the one he’s longed to hear because it’s not real, it’s not.

“Hey! You hear him, guys? ‘Hey,’ he says! Where are you? You okay? What the hell has been going on? Why didn’t you answer any of your hyung’s calls? Why did you leave?”

Taecyeon snorts at Junsu’s reaction, Junho nods, Wooyoung agrees silently, and Chansung shakes his head. “Junsu-"

“He needs to prepare a better comeback speech if he thinks we’ll forgive him!”

“Hyung!”

Wooyoung can hear laughter from the other end of the line and it makes his stomach churn as much as his lips almost turn up against his will. This sounds wrong, it's all wrong, why are they so enthusiastic, where are the tears and the resentment, why does he still feel so guilty and lost and unsure of what to do or say? Jaebum says something about Junsu being crazy that makes said daegu grandpa almost punch Wooyoung by accident in his triggered excitement as he throws his fist up.

“What are you guys up to, anyway?”

“You’re coming back, right, Khunnie?”

“How come Taec knows about things first and we get the heart attack instead?”

“I’m getting you back for this, Jay!”

“Khun-ah, you’re too quiet.”

“He must be dead scared of what’s to come once we get our hands on him.”

It goes on and on, but Wooyoung remains silent throughout the exchange, even as Nichkhun starts answering some of the questions and they chat so normally he feels like screaming at them all. He can feel all the stress and exhaustion pressing down on him so that all he wants is to lie still in his bed and not move or say anything for days. He also wants to be able to teleport or Apparate in Seattle-assuming that’s where they are-, and credits that to Junho’s constant blabbering about Harry Potter. He doubts he’d get any sleep even though his eyes are begging him to. And that's only because he’s afraid to wake up to a reality in which this crazy call is not happening, because his wanting to go to Seattle is just an effect of how much he still yearns to see Nichkhun and do good and bad things to him.

Wooyoung goes to sit at the table and doesn’t pay attention to whoever’s just called his name as his hands cover his face. He’s been waiting so long to hear Nichkhun's voice again, wondering how he’s been, wishing he would just come back or at least get in touch, just-anything except this lack of news and contact. Wooyoung reckons he’s overwhelmed by what may be relief and happiness, anger and doubt mixed with not knowing what it means that Nichkhun is actually talking to them right now. He doesn’t know why or how the company seems to have changed mind about him being part of the group-do they think their involvement is over? Do they plan at kicking Wooyoung out once Nichkhun is under their grip again?

“Wooyoung-goon,” Chansung sits by his side, and at that moment Wooyoung hates how nice he is because it means not leaving the others alone when they’re emotionally shaken. All Wooyoung needs right now is some space and something that might make up for the time he’s wasted worrying about Nichkhun.

“I want to talk to him in private,” he says instead, because his mouth is suddenly quicker than the thoughts still taking shape on his mind. “I mean-”

But Chansung nods with understanding that shouldn’t be held by him, and then he’s getting up and talking to Taecyeon. Wooyoung doesn’t try to stop the other, because if he turns back now, he doubts he’ll have the courage to tell Nichkhun what needs to be said.

He rubs at his eyes and swears it's just weariness itching at them.

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Wooyoung closes the door of his room and takes a deep breath. He didn’t hear the conversation, but somehow Chansung convinced Taecyeon of offering a Skype call to Nichkhun so that the two of them could talk. The fact that Taecyeon didn’t ask why he should be the one to see Nichkhun’s face first and in private seems a little off to Wooyoung, who wonders how much the others actually know or suspect, how much he’s actually demonstrated by being so quiet during these last few months, especially now.

He can’t bring himself to care so much about that, though. It would worry him before, when he and Nichkhun had all those secret encounters and whispered words and meaningful touches, but those should be left in the past if Nichkhun was returning. At the same time it shouldn’t though because Wooyoung didn’t believe the others would accept just half an explanation for his "disappearance". The two of them will have to come out and be honest with the members, even if it’s kind of late for that-Wooyoung understands that the price to pay for having Nichkhun at his side again is not having him because the company wouldn’t put up with them being together. He doesn’t know if Nichkhun realizes that, but this is something else they will have to talk about once he’s here.

Wooyoung hasn’t told him how he feels. Nichkhun hasn’t, either, except for that letter, that damn letter he doesn’t need to read again because the words are already engraved in his mind. I fell in love with you. It was the first rule I broke. I don’t even think you feel the same way. But I love you and it will never change.

Wooyoung swallows. He wants to tell Nichkhun that he’s not alone in this, that he’s a fool for ever thinking otherwise, but what good will that bring? Nichkhun was right in stating they couldn’t do this anymore. They can’t. The unfairness tightens around Wooyoung’s throat, but he fights the feeling until he believes it’s under control.

He turns the laptop on and logs in on Skype. There’s already a call waiting for him to answer and Wooyoung hesitates for only a second before accepting it.

Nichkhun’s face appears on screen. He looks as apprehensive as Wooyoung feels about talking to him. He smiles a little though and Wooyoung can’t deny the contentment he sees in those big eyes of his. His own face must look terrible from all the lack of sleep and the fact that he’s hungry and not exactly in a good mood despite the alleviation that comes with knowing Nichkhun is okay-and seeing him. He doesn’t look much better than Wooyoung in fact but he’s in one piece and appears to have eaten and rested well recently.

“How long have you been at Jaebum hyung’s house?” Wooyoung asks, because they’ve been looking stupidly at each other for too long and it’s making him even more uncomfortable.

“I arrived this morning. He didn’t know I was coming.”

Wooyoung shakes his head almost imperceptibly. “You’re an idiot.”

Instead of asking why, trying to deny it or even getting abashed, Nichkhun smiles, as if Wooyoung’s just said something else. This time, he shakes his head pointedly. No romantic feeling. No commitments. No getting attached to each other. No falling in love with each other.

Wooyoung breathes in, breathes out. We’d promised that we would stop. “First of all, no matter what I say, I want you to say again that you’re coming back. You are coming back, aren’t you?”

Nichkhun looks nonplussed at his business-like tone, his expressionless face, and Wooyoung thinks, Good. He takes some time to answer, probably having to change whatever apologizing speech he had prepared, and Wooyoung stares at him until Nichkhun shifts on his seat, clearly unsure of what to say. “I’m sorry.”

Wooyoung doesn’t answer. That’s not what he wants to hear, although he does appreciate the feeling-because it’s honest. He can clearly see it in Nichkhun’s eyes, in the way he searches for words that he doesn’t have, words that won’t fix anything, words that Wooyoung would have accepted a long time ago, but now he can’t do that anymore. He just can’t.

“I’ll come back. It’s not just a promise, Wooyoung, it’s a fact. I want to come back. And I’m so relieved that you guys-Wooyoungie?”

He’s stood up and gotten away from the computer so Nichkhun won’t be able to see him. Fingertips pressed at his closed eyelids, he takes one deep breath after another, swallows, and swallows again. He blinks all the conflicting feelings away before coming back to sit in front of Nichkhun again, who doesn’t comment on the redness Wooyoung supposes to have remained at the corner of his eyes.

“You’re coming back.” He says it out loud, more as a reality check than a way to restart the conversation. Nichkhun nods anyway and there’s the hint of a smile on his face, so Wooyoung can’t help smiling back at him for a second. It’s worth seeing Nichkhun’s lips finally curving up, but Wooyoung swallows yet again, the easy part now gone. “You might be coming back for yourself, you might be coming back for all of us, but listen.” He lets the words sink from his side of the screen to the other side, and when Nichkhun looks worried enough to say something, Wooyoung shakes his head. “No matter what I say,” he repeats, You’re coming back. “You’re not coming back to me.” Another pause, though Wooyoung knows he should say more because Nichkhun looks shocked and hurt, unwilling to simply resign himself to what he’s hearing. Wooyoung didn’t get much of that last time, he didn’t get any of that after Nichkhun got away, so it should be fair. It’s not, it makes his insides burn, and he doesn’t really want to say any of this, but he has to. “You’re not coming back to me.”

The hope fades from Nichkhun’s eyes; Wooyoung’s incisiveness has cut at him, but it hurts both of them. “Wooyoung-”

“No.”

He shuts the screen down before Nichkhun can try something else, before his resolution shatters. The laptop could have broken by the unintentional force of his fist, but it’s Wooyoung who breaks instead.

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There’s a knock he doesn’t bother answering, but he’s not surprised when a crack on the door lets Chansung’s voice come through. “Young hyung,” he attempts, soft and devoid of cheerfulness for once and Wooyoung feels bad-no, worse-because deep down he knows Nichkhun is not the only one to be blamed for all this mess.

“Old maknae,” he throws back, the ongoing joke a sign for the other to come in. Wooyoung is still sitting in front of the computer. He has no idea how much time has passed, but he appreciates the fact that the others left him alone long enough for him to calm down and accept their presence again.

Chansung sits on his bed and looks at him. Then, he shakes his head as if things were not right-ha, ha-and Wooyoung watches as he stands up again, gets a chair to sit next to him and touches his shoulder tentatively. It takes a moment but Wooyoung leans in slightly, enough so that Chansung will pull him into a loose embrace, one that includes a constant touch to Wooyoung’s upper arm and the much welcomed absence of words.

Chansung was the one to hand him the article about Nichkhun’s rushed departure from Korea. That alone shouldn’t mean much, but the guilt on his face was visible whenever Wooyoung let his own walls down, which wasn’t often, no matter how much he wished he could have retained his seemingly nonchalant stance. Chansung was the one to recognize the shirt that Nichkhun was wearing on the pictures, Chansung was the one to hide the letter before the others could see it, and he never said a thing about its contents. He didn’t have to because his silent understanding spoke volumes already. He’s had a hard time with Junho because of that-how come the most sensitive among them wasn’t crying his eyes out? How come the youngest one could act so cool, so collected, so calm when things were falling apart all around him?-but Junho has gone back to pestering Chansung about other things until they could find comfort in each other again. As for him, Wooyoung didn’t know at first if Chansung was clinging to hope or trying his best to offer him some kind of comfort as well, but he never asked. Their mutual lack of pressure was one of the few solaces Wooyoung ever found.

A stomach rumbles and another answers making Chansung laugh in that careless way which makes Wooyoung feel something close to gladness. His dongsaeng deserves the soothing belief that they will get through this and things will get better now that Nichkhun has finally got in touch with them.

"Let's have some breakfast, hyung," says Chansung, pulling him along as he stands up. Wooyoung lets him, even though the sleepiness seems ready to catch up with him now. Finally.

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It’s decided that Nichkhun will come back to Seoul with Jay, who already had a flight scheduled for the next day. Fortunately, they got a seat for Nichkhun, too, who now keeps his friends updated as to where he is-still at Jay’s house, now at the airport, about to get on the place so I’ll call you back later. The flight from Seattle to Seoul takes sixteen hours, but he’s so anxious he can barely sleep. He tries to find some distraction by talking to Jay-when he’s awake-, watching scenes from random movies on which he can’t concentrate for too long, listening to music… but it’s all to no avail. Whenever he closes his eyes, it’s Wooyoung’s anguished face he sees, and it’s the flat rejection that echoes through him.

He’s still agitated even after they land in Seoul so Jay starts hitting him with the side of his lower arm, either to cheer him up or scold him. Coming from Jay, it could be both. Nichkhun doesn’t try to avoid it or counterattack; he doesn’t want to call any extra attention as they hail a taxi from the airport to the dormitory. Jay seems to be looking forward to their meeting the others in the kind of morbid curiosity Wooyoung would sometimes display, and the thought makes Nichkhun smile fondly as much as it unnerves him. He has been trying to grasp the meaning behind the other’s attitute-but Wooyoung has always been hard to decipher. If getting to know him made it more complicated, being away from him didn’t give Nichkhun the advantage of being an outsider. He needs to talk to him face-to-face, to say out loud what he’s only written on paper, to find out if Wooyoung has ever felt the same-because that might be the reason. Maybe he was right and Wooyoung didn’t reciprocate his feelings, and knowing how Nichkhun felt has made him want to back away. He’s not sure of that though and the doubt is consuming.

“Your Majesty?”

Nichkhun doesn’t complain about the joke and smiles instead. They’ve just arrived in front of the building and Jay’s holding the door open for him in a mocking bow. He says something about having checked the surroundings for any paparazzi or suspicious looking passersby, but they still hurry from the moment they leave the cab with their luggage and enter the building. Nichkhun’s barely aware of the next steps as he shoulders his traveling bag, huge compared to the one on Jay’s shoulders, and they pass through the main entrance. He still has the keys, which he took along when he fled. The other members of 2PM know that he’s arriving today; they just don’t know that he’s here already.

After they get in, the elevator goes up too fast and yet never seems to arrive. Jay’s singing under his breath, a tune that Nichkhun recognizes because he watched the other practicing while at his house, but he can’t recall the song title. The elevator stops, the door slides open, Jay’s basically shoving him ahead and then they’re at 2PM’s door, automatic motions guiding Nichkhun as he unlocks it-but he doesn’t get to push it open, for it’s pulled back at the same time and he almost falls face down on the floor. He might have, if it weren’t for the bear-like hug Chansung’s greeting him with. Nichkhun’s half suffocating and half trying to break the other’s bones just as much.

“Oh crap,” comes Jay’s voice. “Spare me of that, okay, Chansungie?”

The maknae laughs through a near-sob and clings to Nichkhun a while longer, his eyes are starting to water as he makes for Jay’s arm to try and pull him into the hug, but Jay steps back and chuckles.

“They’re here!!!” comes Junho’s voice before Chansung’s pushed aside so that he can mock-punch Nichkhun in the chest. As Jay laughs, Chansung manages to get him in a weak headlock. Junho does the same to Nichkhun as he threatens to strangle the Thai if he ever thinks of scaring them this way again.

Nichkhun doesn’t have time to reply as Junsu comes to hug him, too, and the so-called Junbros act as silly as they’ll dare before Taecyeon jumps over them and the scene they’re making is ridiculous, but-

Nichkhun is amazed and grateful that they’re choosing happiness over anything else to welcome him with. He knows they’ll have to talk and that will not be like this, but at the moment-

“Where’s Wooyoung?” he asks, because he’s been waiting for him to come through that door, yet there’s no sign of him.

“He kind of-passed out a few hours ago,” Junho says, earning him a shove on the arm from Chansung.

“He was exhausted,” Chansung explains. His eyes seem to be reassuring him of something, but Nichkhun can’t pinpoint what it is, not with all of them watching and then Taecyeon talking as well.

“He hasn’t been sleeping much these days, but he finally turned into the Sleeping Beauty after you called.”

Jay scoffs. “You guys are so dramatic.”

“Jaebum hyung!” Junho calls, as if he’s just seen him there, and tries to grip at him, but Jay dodges him, too-and is surprised by Taecyeon, who holds him by the shoulders.

“Hey there, little man,” he says in English, at which Jay rolls his eyes, but doesn’t try to escape for once.

“Call me that again and you won’t be able to walk for weeks,” he replies in Korean, at which the others laugh. Taecyeon pulls him closer for a moment before settling on just one arm around Jay’s shoulders.

“Woodong will be happy to see you,” Junsu says to their hyung, after sharing a fist bump with him.

“So he’s the only one?”

Junho and Junsu both reply at the same time, while Taecyeon shakes his head and smiles. Nichkhun watches them all, still unsure of what to do or say next, but Chansung puts a hand on his arm and motions for them to come in-they’re making too much noise.

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Wooyoung still looks for him.

He runs, thick walls of weed, leaves, twisted branches growing higher and narrower as he reaches what he hopes to be the exit.

There’s a young Thai with impossibly bushy eyebrows, his small, worried face lightening up into an easy smile when he sees someone approaching. Wooyoung hears words that he doesn’t understand, words that go from strange to familiar, from a constant refuge to a simple slip, and then they’re replaced by words that they both know. They may speak the same language, but they’re still far from understanding each other-

He’s thrown back to the start and rolls onto his back, groaning. As his half-lidded eyes turn to the sky, all he can see is pitch darkness, except for one or two stars here and there-the other would have known their names, taken Wooyoung’s hand into his without a second thought and pointed at them as he spoke, unaware or unfazed by their growing proximity. Alone in the dark that seems to be infinite, those stars also seem so small, shining so little, they might as well not be there.

Wooyoung floats. He hears the sound of water all around him, what was supposed to be grass is now wood, there’s a thick rope digging at his back and he feels dizzy. There’s the distant cawing of what he supposes to be a seagull, but then someone kicks him lightly, foot digging at his left side, and the bird is forgotten. Wooyoung looks up to see him again, hair cut so short his face looks even smaller, but he’s still younger than he ought to be. He’s talking in English, so the only thing Wooyoung understands is that he has to get up again and again and again and again.

Once he gets up, though, he’s stepping on grass so green his eyes almost hurt; there are leaves everywhere again, but he’s out, in the open, trees as sparse as the benches and lamplights, which are turned off as the sun does its work. He turns around slowly, reluctant yet curious, but sure enough; his eyes fall over a familiar figure a few meters away from him. The hair is dyed a metallic blonde that looks as artificial as the wink once it’s given all the time, but it’s good because Wooyoung might have believed that they’re actually in Paris and Nichkhun is trying to get a good shot of some kids playing hide-and-seek among the trees.

He takes a step ahead, but then he falls.

Wooyoung jerks awake. He kicks the covers off and goes to the bathroom to wash his face, in a hurry to get rid of the dream and the fog due to his oversleeping. He would usually lazy around in bed-if there was time for that-and take a longer time to be completely conscious, but his heart races whenever he wakes up from such dreams. He’s had them before, and they’re part of the reason he hasn’t been able to sleep properly-and denied himself the need to. As he washes up, he still feels as tired as if he didn’t sleep at all, but he knows that’s just his body punishing him for not resting enough and then trying to get back to normal at once, when that hardly works.

He hears excited voices coming through the door, and tries to keep steady by holding the sink. There’s only one thing that could make the others sound that happy. Despite all the wait for that, he’s not prepared to face it now that time has come.

Nichkhun called two days ago. He and Jaebum were supposed to leave Seattle the morning after that-late last night in Korea. His room was not dark anymore when he woke up. There were strong rays of sunlight filtering through the curtains, which means-

He steps out of the bathroom and is first spotted by Jaebum, who comes to him immediately.

“Mandu cheeks!” he pats Wooyoung in the back as he pulls him into one of his supposed-to-be-manly-but-kind-of-awkward hugs and the other chuckles, happy to see him but nervous at the other presence he’s detected in the living room. Nichkhun’s eyes are on him as well, and when Wooyoung looks back at Jaebum, he freezes at the look he’s giving them both. “I know,” Jaebum whispers, reading him easily. He taps him in the arm a few times and then smiles fleetingly before putting his hands in his pockets.

Wooyoung doesn’t know how to deal with that. “Jaebum hyung…”

“I was told you’d be happy to see me, but maybe I expected too much?” Despite saying that, Jaebum is still smiling, even more as Wooyoung’s mouth opens and closes like a fish. Then he shakes his head, dismissing the whole thing. “You two should talk before Nichkhun gets to tell the others anything,” Jaebum says, his voice low. “I can distract them so they won’t complain or try to eavesdrop.”

Wooyoung has no response to that either. Jaebum sounds too calm and devoid of nasty questions for someone who knows about Nichkhun and him. Except… “I’m not sure you won’t try to hear anything.”

Jaebum laughs, but then he gets serious really quickly again. “I wouldn’t risk getting scarred for life by you two.”

Wooyoung wants to deny they’d do anything like that, but he just shakes his head and lets the other’s sense of humor rub off on him as he smiles a little. “Thanks, hyung.”

Jaebum shrugs it off with a smile of his own before turning to look at Nichkhun, at whom he makes a face or sibilates whatever that has the Thai stopping his conversation with the others. Nichkhun looks at Wooyoung again, his big eyes questioning him, full of expectation, and Wooyoung nods before his trepidation grows. He goes back to his room and waits, fingers tensing around the handle. After Nichkhun enters, turning around to face him, Wooyoung closes the door, torn between jumping at the other and standing by his words. You’re not coming back to me.

Nichkhun doesn’t seem to be in a dilemma though because he comes to hug him from behind, burying his face in Wooyoung’s neck as his fingers dig into Wooyoung’s flesh, who tries hard not to respond the easy, tempting way to the warmth, the familiarity, and the unsaid yet still broken promises.

Wooyoung wants to tell Nichkhun to back away, to give him some space so he’ll be able to think clearly, but his stiffness seems to speak for itself. Nichkhun doesn’t move back, but his grip looses.

They stay like that: one unwilling to let go, the other unwilling to give in. When the silence thickens so much that even Nichkhun’s swallowed tears are audible, Wooyoung turns around to hug him back. He believes to owe this moment to himself: he needs to feel Nichkhun in his arms and be in Nichkhun’s arms too. They haven’t had anything like this, not with Wooyoung knowing the real meaning behind Nichkhun’s every touch, not with him aware of the way his own body reacts-not just the sexual way, but the longing, the yearning, the rightfulness. It’s like finding himself at home after wandering aimlessly in a stormy sea. Wooyoung reckons it must be similar to how Nichkhun feels right now.

“I should tie you to the bed and never let you go again,” he tries to joke, but it’s the wrong words and the wrong moment and his voice breaks. Nichkhun could apologize a thousand times and it wouldn’t be enough. He holds it back and Wooyoung is grateful for that. “You should have talked to me. We could have worked this out.”

Nichkhun’s arms tighten around him once more before he takes a step back, though Wooyoung can see this is not what he would really like to do. “They saw us, Wooyoung. They might have regretted reacting badly back then, but it was clear that they wouldn’t allow us to be together.”

“We were not together.” Nichkhun looks hurt again, but Wooyoung shakes his head at him. “See how easy it is to deny it? You could have denied it. You could have said it was a one-time thing. That we were just fooling around. That we were stupid-for a moment-and we wouldn’t ever dare put 2PM at risk like that. Anything!” Wooyoung doesn’t need to hear Nichkhun telling him it was not that simple; what he needs is to let this all out. “You didn’t have the right to leave like that! You may have doubted how I felt about you, but you were my friend, my band mate, I trusted you and you should have trusted me! I don’t understand how you could think that running away like that would help anything… Do you have any idea what it was like for us? No, wait, you do, because you’ve been through hell with us before, but at least no one refused to talk back then!”

“Wooyoung-”

He flinches away from Nichkhun’s touch and sits on the bed, eyes closed as he tries to calm down. He was not shouting, but he got pretty close to that. He doesn’t want the others to get worried, or worse, try to intervene.

“I thought I was sparing you.” Nichkhun’s voice is soft. He comes to sit on the bed as well, though there is a lot of space between them, enough so that he won’t be able to touch Wooyoung unless the latter moves closer. “They told me one of us would have to quit and I thought it would be better if we didn’t keep in touch, at least in the beginning. I know it was stupid, Wooyoung, I probably realized that too late, I hurt you all when I thought I was just-I was afraid they wouldn’t believe it if I didn’t go away. What if they shunned you because we were still talking? What if just being like this, in the same room, roused suspicions?”

“What if,” Wooyoung echoes, shaking his head again. “I’m sick of wondering about that.” He can feel Nichkhun’s eyes on him, trying to make him stare back, but Wooyoung doesn’t want to yield because once he does it to one thing, the others will be sure to break his resolve as well.

“When you say I’m not coming back to you,” Nichkhun sounds so reluctant, Wooyoung almost has to turn his head to hear him better. Almost. “Do you mean…We broke all rules, Wooyoung, are you imposing a new one? We’re not…You read my letter, right?”

“Of course I read it. I had no other way of knowing what happened, because you didn’t-”

“No, Woodongie, that’s not what I’m talking about. You know that’s not it.”

“If you’re not saying it, why should I? It’s your own words. And I don’t even know if they’re true anymore.”

Nichkhun touches the space between them and Wooyoung’s eyes follow his fingers, aware that this is Nichkhun saying he actually wants to touch Wooyoung, to come closer, but he won’t, even if this is awkward and they are wasting the chance to-fall in disgrace, says Wooyoung’s conscience, disregarding the way his heart aches. “I said we had to stop. I said we couldn’t do this anymore, but I wish I hadn’t, because I took the decision from your hands again, and it was not what I wanted-I didn’t want to stop. I don’t want to. I see what you’re doing, Wooyoung, but I think you’re making the same mistake I did, don’t you see? There’s no way to protect us, there’s no easy way out.” His eyes keep searching for Wooyoung’s, and this time he looks back, because the urgency in Nichkhun’s voice demands him to. “I love you. When I decided to come back, it was for you, too. I could accept you turning me away again and again if it made you happy, if it was what you really wanted. But now that I’ve seen you-I don’t believe that.”

Wooyoung is overwhelmed. He needs-he wants to tell Nichkhun how he feels even though he knows this would make it more difficult for them to keep apart, but how is he supposed to hold back when Nichkhun just confessed to him, when he heard it in his voice, when he would be the one to cause the pain in those big striking eyes if he forced himself to lie? He knows reasoning will not work here. Although Nichkhun is usually the most sensible one out of the two of them, he won’t accept Wooyoung’s arguments once he knows that his feelings are not unrequited.

“We can-we should talk about this later, Nichkhun. There will be time for that, but we need to decide what we’re gonna tell the others.”

“There’ll be time for that, too.”

“Nichkhun…”

“Please, Wooyoung.”

He shakes his head. “I can’t-I can’t answer you right now.”

“That means you don’t really want to end this, either.”

Wooyoung wants to scream at him for being so-sly, but he remains quiet, still engulfed by Nichkhun’s words, by his presence, by his bright eyes. He’s here. He came back. 2PM is going to be okay, we’re going to be okay, no matter what. You’re an idiot, but I love you. When his eyes bore into Nichkhun’s again, he almost says that last line out loud. What escapes him is a heavy sigh instead. “I need some time. You’ve just come back, I… I still need to make sure I’m not dreaming.”

Nichkhun fights to conceal a grin, but his expressive features give it away. “You’ll be angry if I say I can help you wake up, right?”

“Shut up.” As Nichkhun obeys, Wooyoung tries to think of what to do next. He can hear laughter coming from the other side of the door again and he feels pressured. “The others will wonder about what’s taking us so long.”

“They don’t sound too worried at the moment.”

“Unless it’s us they’re laughing at.”

Nichkhun frowns slightly. “Do you think they know?”

“I don’t think so-I mean… if the company found out, it’s possible at least one of our closest friends would notice something, right?”

“But they never said anything-not seriously, anyway.”

"I'm just... anxious, I guess."

Nichkhun nods.

"Khunnie..." He takes a deep breath. "Can we talk to them? I won't be able to think about us until we talk to them."

"Shouldn't it be the opposite?"

Wooyoung is too tired to respond to that with a cutting remark, which is what Nichkhun deserves. "Where did your sympathy go?" he asks instead, more frustrated than angry.

"I understand how you feel, Wooyoungie--no, really, I do, don't look at me like that. I'm nervous about telling them too. But telling them means--what are we gonna tell them? How? I don't know how to explain what we--what we had, what we still have... Because we still have something, right?"

Wooyoung covers his face, hoping the ache behind his eyes is just that--a headache. "I don't know."

Nichkhun is silent, maybe because he expects Wooyoung to elaborate on that, but when the latter keeps quiet, he speaks again, his tone subdued. “I want to tell them why I left. Even if I didn't, they'll certainly ask... They deserve to know. But, I can't tell them everything if I can't talk about us."

"I'm not saying you shouldn't talk about it. Still, we don't have to label it, we don't have to go into so many details… Imagine their faces if they heard--okay, I don't want to picture that, but listen--Jaebum knows, right? I assume you told him? So how did you do it?"

Nichkhun pauses, apparently surprised at Wooyoung’s approach to Jay knowing about them. Wooyoung might attribute his own lack of distress to the fact that Jaebum seemed to be okay with it. “He didn’t really get it at first…” Nichkhun smiles as if apologizing for the taunt, even though Jaebum is not there to hear it. “I just-Little by little, I guess. But, I had to be kind of-direct for him to realize I was serious.”

Wooyoung’s eyebrows rise slightly at that, but he doesn’t ask, certain that he won’t like the answer. “How do you think the others will react?”

“You’re afraid of that, too, right?” Wooyoung hears the empathy in his voice and sees the worry in his features. It helps him keep calm then because this is how Nichkhun would usually look at him when they talked about other issues. Nichkhun reaches at the space between them again, palm up, and waits. Wooyoung doesn’t let himself think too much about it, but lets his own hand meet the other’s instead. His fingers slide over Nichkhun’s, who clasps them gently, giving him a faint smile. “I don’t know. I was surprised by Jay’s reaction, but in a good way. And I think…Wooyoung, they were so happy to see me. I could have screwed up really bad, but you guys still wanted me back and I think-it doesn’t matter. I mean, they might not like it, they might get angry that we didn’t tell them before, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be against us.”

Wooyoung nods almost imperceptibly. He looks at their joined hands, then back at Nichkhun. “I’m happy you’re here, too.” Nichkhun opens his mouth to voice questions Wooyoung can predict too well, so the latter just looks at him in another attempt to make him be patient. “Don’t ask for too much now. But… believe it when I say I missed you. I still do and I’m so relieved you’re here…” Wooyoung squeezes his hand, and Nichkhun squeezes back. “Later, okay?”

Nichkhun’s nod is unenthusiastic, but Wooyoung appreciates it anyway.

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