The darkenss and light...the sad and sweet of life's routine.
My dear friends...I haven't updated in a while. I haven’t been around as much either. Sometimes life can pull you out of the stream. I guess it’s been my time to watch the traffic of the outside world float on by.
The routine of my life has changed over the past six weeks. Routine is a funny thing.
Niki and I are doing really well. Since she’s been house sitting for a neighbor and taking care of their pets, I’ve been driving up to see her in Tallahassee on the weekends. It's funny, I've always disliked driving but I don't mind it so much now. When I’m driving, I think back to when we were apart and I remember thinking of all the things I should have done or said.
The advantages of being back together is that you get opportunities to right wrongs...if you so choose to do so. When we were first together, I lived in Tallahassee and she was living in Palatka (for school). It was a 4+ hour drive. She tried to come up and visit as much as she could but she had little money so it was mainly up to me to drive up. Untimely, life got pretty hectic and I started working 80 hours a week. I would work 5 double in a row then work a Saturday night shift. Around 1 am Sunday was when I got out. I would then drive to a gas station, fill up my tank and drive to Palatka. The drive was torture. I nearly fell asleep on the road a 1000 times. It was just sure dying last gasp power that got me there alive. When I arrive, she would be sleeping inside by the door waiting for me. We'd kiss and hug for a while, like a solider and his wife would after a war. We'd spend the next 22 hours making love, eating, talking, and holding each other. We slept as little as possible to make the time not go by as fast. You see, I had to be at work Monday morning and because of that, I couldn't even stay for a full day. This was our routine.
I had to make a change. I went to grad school to make a better life for us. Ironically it tore us apart. I had to go to class and study more than I ever had to work. I visited niki less and less. I kept putting off seeing her. She would cry a lot. It hurt not being with her. I saddened me greatly to hear and know she was sad, but I thought there would be plenty of time for us to be together after I got through grad school. I focused too much on the future and neglected the present...I neglected what actually mattered most...her. I should have visited her more.
I'm making up for it now.
As I’ve gotten older, I realize the immeasurable importance of striving to be and becoming a better man.
For the most part, she’s always been good for me. When we were together the first time, she manage to get me to quit 8 years of smoking, make amends with my parents, and go back to school. Now she has me addressing my problem with alcohol. She some how got me to agree to cut out 4 drinking nights out of my week! Moreover, I don't even drink on all the nights I can drink and when I do drink, I drink less than a 1/3 of what I used to. She volunteered to take me to AA meetings as well. The issue of my drinking, even before we got back together, was a large part of the stress she carried day to day. I want to quit drinking on regular basis for us. Alcohol was an emotional paradox to me. I loved & hated it. I felt both joy & pain, which for a while was better than just feeling low all of the time. I need to quit for kung fu as well. It's the only thing really holding me back. I have a test coming up and I need to clean up completely for the next couple months or so. My last test in kung fu was 7+ hrs long and this next one will be even harder.
I'm consciously saving my money now in hopes of buying a house at the end of the year. She plans to move here at the end of the year. I want to get us a place of our own. A place we can make into “home”. We’re both excited. The future seems so golden. I have faith. When we were younger, we loved each other deeply but the future was a dream, held together by “hope”. Now we are older, we came make it happened. We can “will” rather than pray on hope to make the future we want happened. Naturally, I still have some worries. December’s very much a long ways away. There is much that still waits ahead. Life is filled with huddles, complications, and dilemmas as well as joy and beauty. We will most likely have our share of both. We’ll do our best to persevere and stay gold to one another.
k.
The routine of my life has changed over the past six weeks. Routine is a funny thing.
Niki and I are doing really well. Since she’s been house sitting for a neighbor and taking care of their pets, I’ve been driving up to see her in Tallahassee on the weekends. It's funny, I've always disliked driving but I don't mind it so much now. When I’m driving, I think back to when we were apart and I remember thinking of all the things I should have done or said.
The advantages of being back together is that you get opportunities to right wrongs...if you so choose to do so. When we were first together, I lived in Tallahassee and she was living in Palatka (for school). It was a 4+ hour drive. She tried to come up and visit as much as she could but she had little money so it was mainly up to me to drive up. Untimely, life got pretty hectic and I started working 80 hours a week. I would work 5 double in a row then work a Saturday night shift. Around 1 am Sunday was when I got out. I would then drive to a gas station, fill up my tank and drive to Palatka. The drive was torture. I nearly fell asleep on the road a 1000 times. It was just sure dying last gasp power that got me there alive. When I arrive, she would be sleeping inside by the door waiting for me. We'd kiss and hug for a while, like a solider and his wife would after a war. We'd spend the next 22 hours making love, eating, talking, and holding each other. We slept as little as possible to make the time not go by as fast. You see, I had to be at work Monday morning and because of that, I couldn't even stay for a full day. This was our routine.
I had to make a change. I went to grad school to make a better life for us. Ironically it tore us apart. I had to go to class and study more than I ever had to work. I visited niki less and less. I kept putting off seeing her. She would cry a lot. It hurt not being with her. I saddened me greatly to hear and know she was sad, but I thought there would be plenty of time for us to be together after I got through grad school. I focused too much on the future and neglected the present...I neglected what actually mattered most...her. I should have visited her more.
I'm making up for it now.
As I’ve gotten older, I realize the immeasurable importance of striving to be and becoming a better man.
For the most part, she’s always been good for me. When we were together the first time, she manage to get me to quit 8 years of smoking, make amends with my parents, and go back to school. Now she has me addressing my problem with alcohol. She some how got me to agree to cut out 4 drinking nights out of my week! Moreover, I don't even drink on all the nights I can drink and when I do drink, I drink less than a 1/3 of what I used to. She volunteered to take me to AA meetings as well. The issue of my drinking, even before we got back together, was a large part of the stress she carried day to day. I want to quit drinking on regular basis for us. Alcohol was an emotional paradox to me. I loved & hated it. I felt both joy & pain, which for a while was better than just feeling low all of the time. I need to quit for kung fu as well. It's the only thing really holding me back. I have a test coming up and I need to clean up completely for the next couple months or so. My last test in kung fu was 7+ hrs long and this next one will be even harder.
I'm consciously saving my money now in hopes of buying a house at the end of the year. She plans to move here at the end of the year. I want to get us a place of our own. A place we can make into “home”. We’re both excited. The future seems so golden. I have faith. When we were younger, we loved each other deeply but the future was a dream, held together by “hope”. Now we are older, we came make it happened. We can “will” rather than pray on hope to make the future we want happened. Naturally, I still have some worries. December’s very much a long ways away. There is much that still waits ahead. Life is filled with huddles, complications, and dilemmas as well as joy and beauty. We will most likely have our share of both. We’ll do our best to persevere and stay gold to one another.
k.