happiness is uncharted
happiness is uncharted
2406 w, pg-13 (luna-centric, luna/minho, luna/onew, krystal/minho)
after she tries to jump, no one really knows if they're happy.
the story only i didn't know
the first time it happens, she finds her eyes flutter open to a boy with black hair.
black, almost like ash, and his eyes are almost as black too, but something in them seem to shimmer with the faintest tint of concern. luna thinks she can hear him say something, she thinks she sees his mouth move to form words, and she thinks he's kind of beautiful, and maybe that she knows him - but her eyelids are a bit too heavy, so they close before she can register any faint idea of his existence.
that night she dreams about windmills, and how they have no real purpose.
kind of like me.
yes, kind of like her.
because she doesn't know a lot about them, and they don't know a lot about her, but she knows they move because they have to, and that they don't have a choice.
kind of like me.
yes, very much so like her.
when her eyes open the next morning, when they can actually stay open, she sees soojung, who is now actually krystal, and she smiles.
her hair is black too, not like ash, but more like a raven, and she's beautiful and all be it a little jaded, so they both cry for a few minutes before one of them can actually speak.
"minho was the one that found you,"
they're both under the blanket, foreheads pressed together, noses touching, and the pillow is stained with tears. "we were all really scared sunyoung," krystal whispers, burying her face into the fabric.
i was so scared.
and luna remembers that soojung is never really scared, and that she's not sunyoung anymore, because luna is the one that's hurting.
"i'm just tired," luna whispers, her own face seeming to fit perfectly into krystal's shoulder. they fall asleep like that for sometime, because they feel safer when they're together, and sulli and victoria just prepare some food for the two to wake up to.
"are you feeling better?"
he brushes luna's hair out of her eyes, and he makes her look at him. she feels something inside of her smolder, just a little, and then a strong arm wraps itself around her neck, firmly but gently, and luna can see that onew still hasn't moved from his place in front of her.
"minho, get off," luna forces a laugh that hurts her, her lungs, her ribcage, and onew scolds him because he knows that she's fragile and kind of literally broken, but no cast was needed.
"you fell hard," minho tells her while onew remains quiet. she sits in between the two of them, her small figure sinking into their large frames.
the three of them hug, and one of them is crying, but luna's eyes feel dry as tears trickle down the side of her neck.
what were you trying to do?
i was trying to jump.
why?
because i'm not happy.
no one asks her, because luna knows that they all know as well. but for some reason, she feels vaguely hurt, vaguely sorrowful. she feels something, but maybe it isn't sorrow, but it's vague, and deep, and all too cutting - so she cries too.
"can we run away? please?"
luna has resulted into pleading, and krystal has resulted into ignoring her.
"sunyoung, you jumped. you jumped from a staircase -"
"how do you know i didn't just trip? i just tripped!"
it's funny how neither of them say anything after that, but krystal's fingers just tangle themselves with luna's, and neither of them cry because they're too tired. krystal just walks with luna through the halls, and she can feel people's stares burn themselves through the delicate flesh of her skin.
i don't want to go.
they'll help you get better.
luna hears the door behind her click, and krystal isn't with her anymore. it's only the doctor, her, and the speckled ceiling. she takes a seat on a gray chair, because the room is quite gray to her, and she can't distinguish the good from the bad, black from white, but the doctor is smiling, so she naturally smiles back.
it wasn't a suicide attempt, i swear.
then what was it?
an accident.
your friends .. they say you've been acting strange.
i haven't.
sunyoung .. why did you jump?
....
sunyoung.
i can hear you doctor, i just, don't know how to answer that.
"we'll always be here for you, okay?"
minho and onew's hearts come in a pair, both laced and tied with a red ribbon around her pinky. luna nods. she's holding hands with both of them, fingers tangled, not set, and she hears someone whisper i love you sunyoung.
her eyes are set on minho, the beautiful boy with doe eyes, but his lips aren't moving. luna bites down on her quivering lip and she feels someone's hand squeeze hers a little tighter. it isn't from the side she's looking at, and she closes her eyes and pretends like she didn't hear him, because she shouldn't have, because she doesn't love him back.
"i love you both."
minho just chuckles and onew sighs. luna's heart merely beats against her tingled flesh, and after awhile, her ribcage starts hurting again.
onew hands her pink balloons. there are four of them, and they dance around with the wind. luna smiles, a bright smile, and he smiles back because, "i haven't seen you smile like that in awhile."
she says nothing in response, so he shares his scarf with her. their arms are touching, and they're both holding two balloons at this point. "why did you get these for me?" luna asks.
onew simply shrugs in reply and he lets go of his balloons.
luna's fingers simply grip around hers tighter.
i bought them so you could be happier.
balloons make people happy?
no, but to know someone was thinking about you.
and are you that someone lee jinki?
i always am.
"you need to go to the doctor!"
"they can't help me because i'm already fine!"
"no, you're not fine!"
"they can't help me krystal!"
"but i can't help you either!"
krystal is shaking and luna thinks she sees a glimpse of soojung. luna just nods her head, letting her know that's not true, that it was never true, because krystal knows she's lied to herself too many times about sunyoung in the first place. (luna is fine, this industry isn't getting to her), so she screams a little more. luna thinks the girl might damage her voice, her very pretty voice, and she watches as krystal spurts out reasons on why she needs to get better.
"i can't - what if you jump again?"
luna just takes a step forward and presses the palm of her hand against krystal's lips. neither of them move for what seems like an eternity after that, but they just look at each other.
luna's never noticed how krystal's eyes are a deep brown. krystal tries not to notice how much pain she sees flicker across luna's eyes with every passing second. the younger girl grabs her wrist, and tries to remove her hand from her mouth. her fingers are bony and her skin is cold, but she manages to do it.
before krystal manages to utter a word, she finds luna crying again. it's a deep silence in between the two before the blonde musters up the courage to speak.
"just don't say anything .. i think the silence helps."
they both sit down on the floor. krystal has her head down, and because they're like that for awhile, luna familiarizes herself with the roots of krystal's hair.
after she accidentally catches a glimpse of minho and krystal kissing, she goes into a quiet phase again. krystal recognizes this phase, so ultimately, she becomes scared. she tries to talk to luna about it, but she just replies with, "i want to talk to minho."
so, here he is, staring across the wooden table and into luna's eyes like nothing is wrong. she can feel his leg shaking under the table out of anxiety as her fingers tap some out of beat tune against the surface. she's pretty incoherent and her mind is quite disjointed, so it starts like this,
"i thought you said you liked older women."
"i do."
"i saw you kissing krystal yesterday."
he blinks some and the ground stops shaking, but he doesn't look ashamed. luna isn't really sure what he looks like, or what she wanted him to look like anyways, but by the blush creeping upon his cheeks, she figures he's embarrassed.
"oh."
"i thought you said you liked older women."
"i do."
"then what about krystal? don't lead her on minho."
"i'm not."
"i thought you said you liked -"
"i don't like her. i love her."
it's only after that conversation that luna realizes that sunyoung loves minho, and that sunyoung is the same person as luna - because that's her. they share the same heart and therefore the same pain, so her knees are hugged up to her chest later that night in the dorm. she keeps her eyes glued on the television, trying to let it absorb her mind, but then victoria lets onew in and he's sitting next to her on the couch too.
"are you okay?"
instead of responding, she only turns the volume up on the television a little louder.
even though onew is kind of whispering, she can still hear him above the buzz of laughter and scattered colors. "minho told me .. about today. he doesn't really understand, but i think i do," onew looks at her, but she isn't really paying attention. when he's sure that victoria's back inside her room he stands up and walks in front of the television, turns it off, and then sits cross legged facing her.
he offers a sad smile that she doesn't return, but he can only see her eyes above her knees anyways.
"you love him, don't you?"
luna just turns the television back on.
when krystal is informed of all the mishaps, she feels bad.
"luna," she crawls into the older girl's bed, shaking her small body with force. luna's awake, krystal knows it too, but she wants to make some form of eye contact. when they do, krystal kind of wishes they didn't, but she keeps their gazes attached anyways, "i had no idea, i'm sorry." she sincerely means it, luna can tell too, but she still can't bring herself to respond.
this isn't your fault, you know? maybe if i wasn't so sad all the time ..
"i'll stop seeing him if you want me too," her sharp voice cuts clear through her thoughts, and luna immediately shakes her head in a no.
"he looks happy with you," luna whispers under her breath. he looks happy with krystal, happier than he would ever be with her, so she only sulks for a few more seconds before she smiles and decides that it's okay. that she'll be okay. she just opens her arms to krystal who eagerly finds herself in the older girl's embrace.
"for the record," krystal whispers, "onew loves you."
luna flinches, wondering if this is krystal's attempt at consoling her, or maybe it's just pity, or maybe it's both, and luna's being bitter about it.
"i know."
and she thinks about it for the rest of the night. luna wants to love him back, but she can't, and she comes to the conclusion she didn't really love minho either, that maybe she didn't love anyone. so when she has that revelation, she comes to realize that she couldn't love anyone, because she didn't really know how to love herself first.
luna works on that for the next week or so.
"you smile a lot more now," onew is the first one to tell her.
krystal is the second. minho is the third.
she loses count of the rest.
"krystal, wake up."
the raven haired girl utters a groan before rolling over and onto her side, narrowing her eyes, trying to perceive luna's figure in the dark. "what?" her voice is scratchy and inaudible. luna just drags her out of bed, "we're going on a field trip."
she finds herself in a car about twenty minutes later, her head against minho's chest, onew at the driver's seat, and luna right next to him.
her eyes close and when they're open again, they're by some beach in seoul.
krystal stumbles out of the car, held close to minho's side, and she hides her smile seeing luna and onew's fingers laced.
"what are we doing here?"
krystal asks before luna takes her hand too. "what do you see over there, on that little island?" she responds with a question, and onew replies, "windmills."
there's this light, cheery laugh, that electrifies all three of them when it escapes from luna's mouth. "exactly."
they throw off their shoes and walk hand in hand along the beach, the sun barely rising against the horizon. luna likes it, they way time seems to freeze in the sky, how stars are still scattered and clear, but fading with the orange that spills over the whole atmosphere. she wiggles her toes a little deeper into the sand, and then she starts running.
her fingers slip out of krystal's, who just laughs, but her and onew run near to the edge of the cold water.
they both pant, out of breath with tired smiles, but they're sincere smiles.
"so, what was this thing about windmills?"
luna shrugs, "they're not like me."
onew doesn't understand, so he doesn't pretend like he doesn't, "well .. of course they're not like you."
"not anymore." luna grips a little tighter onto his hand, their palms sweating and sticking to each other, and luna kind of thinks it's a sign that maybe they're supposed to be that close.
"jump with me."
luna looks at onew who gazes down at the water which doesn't seem all too dangerous. so, he nods, and picks her up before running knee deep into the ocean and diving under with her safely in his arms.
( the second time she jumps, she opens her eyes a few seconds later to underwater smiles and laughs.
onew simply takes her hand again even beneath the waves, and luna thinks she remembers what it's like to love someone again, that maybe this is her happiness. )
-
a/n: i don't even know where the windmill thing came from (maybe from here. maybe), and that this whole thing is incoherent, and spontaneous, and i just really love minho/krystal & onew/luna, but whatever. i wasn't really happy with the ending, but oh well, maybe i'll revise it later.
2406 w, pg-13 (luna-centric, luna/minho, luna/onew, krystal/minho)
after she tries to jump, no one really knows if they're happy.
the story only i didn't know
the first time it happens, she finds her eyes flutter open to a boy with black hair.
black, almost like ash, and his eyes are almost as black too, but something in them seem to shimmer with the faintest tint of concern. luna thinks she can hear him say something, she thinks she sees his mouth move to form words, and she thinks he's kind of beautiful, and maybe that she knows him - but her eyelids are a bit too heavy, so they close before she can register any faint idea of his existence.
that night she dreams about windmills, and how they have no real purpose.
kind of like me.
yes, kind of like her.
because she doesn't know a lot about them, and they don't know a lot about her, but she knows they move because they have to, and that they don't have a choice.
kind of like me.
yes, very much so like her.
when her eyes open the next morning, when they can actually stay open, she sees soojung, who is now actually krystal, and she smiles.
her hair is black too, not like ash, but more like a raven, and she's beautiful and all be it a little jaded, so they both cry for a few minutes before one of them can actually speak.
"minho was the one that found you,"
they're both under the blanket, foreheads pressed together, noses touching, and the pillow is stained with tears. "we were all really scared sunyoung," krystal whispers, burying her face into the fabric.
i was so scared.
and luna remembers that soojung is never really scared, and that she's not sunyoung anymore, because luna is the one that's hurting.
"i'm just tired," luna whispers, her own face seeming to fit perfectly into krystal's shoulder. they fall asleep like that for sometime, because they feel safer when they're together, and sulli and victoria just prepare some food for the two to wake up to.
"are you feeling better?"
he brushes luna's hair out of her eyes, and he makes her look at him. she feels something inside of her smolder, just a little, and then a strong arm wraps itself around her neck, firmly but gently, and luna can see that onew still hasn't moved from his place in front of her.
"minho, get off," luna forces a laugh that hurts her, her lungs, her ribcage, and onew scolds him because he knows that she's fragile and kind of literally broken, but no cast was needed.
"you fell hard," minho tells her while onew remains quiet. she sits in between the two of them, her small figure sinking into their large frames.
the three of them hug, and one of them is crying, but luna's eyes feel dry as tears trickle down the side of her neck.
what were you trying to do?
i was trying to jump.
why?
because i'm not happy.
no one asks her, because luna knows that they all know as well. but for some reason, she feels vaguely hurt, vaguely sorrowful. she feels something, but maybe it isn't sorrow, but it's vague, and deep, and all too cutting - so she cries too.
"can we run away? please?"
luna has resulted into pleading, and krystal has resulted into ignoring her.
"sunyoung, you jumped. you jumped from a staircase -"
"how do you know i didn't just trip? i just tripped!"
it's funny how neither of them say anything after that, but krystal's fingers just tangle themselves with luna's, and neither of them cry because they're too tired. krystal just walks with luna through the halls, and she can feel people's stares burn themselves through the delicate flesh of her skin.
i don't want to go.
they'll help you get better.
luna hears the door behind her click, and krystal isn't with her anymore. it's only the doctor, her, and the speckled ceiling. she takes a seat on a gray chair, because the room is quite gray to her, and she can't distinguish the good from the bad, black from white, but the doctor is smiling, so she naturally smiles back.
it wasn't a suicide attempt, i swear.
then what was it?
an accident.
your friends .. they say you've been acting strange.
i haven't.
sunyoung .. why did you jump?
....
sunyoung.
i can hear you doctor, i just, don't know how to answer that.
"we'll always be here for you, okay?"
minho and onew's hearts come in a pair, both laced and tied with a red ribbon around her pinky. luna nods. she's holding hands with both of them, fingers tangled, not set, and she hears someone whisper i love you sunyoung.
her eyes are set on minho, the beautiful boy with doe eyes, but his lips aren't moving. luna bites down on her quivering lip and she feels someone's hand squeeze hers a little tighter. it isn't from the side she's looking at, and she closes her eyes and pretends like she didn't hear him, because she shouldn't have, because she doesn't love him back.
"i love you both."
minho just chuckles and onew sighs. luna's heart merely beats against her tingled flesh, and after awhile, her ribcage starts hurting again.
onew hands her pink balloons. there are four of them, and they dance around with the wind. luna smiles, a bright smile, and he smiles back because, "i haven't seen you smile like that in awhile."
she says nothing in response, so he shares his scarf with her. their arms are touching, and they're both holding two balloons at this point. "why did you get these for me?" luna asks.
onew simply shrugs in reply and he lets go of his balloons.
luna's fingers simply grip around hers tighter.
i bought them so you could be happier.
balloons make people happy?
no, but to know someone was thinking about you.
and are you that someone lee jinki?
i always am.
"you need to go to the doctor!"
"they can't help me because i'm already fine!"
"no, you're not fine!"
"they can't help me krystal!"
"but i can't help you either!"
krystal is shaking and luna thinks she sees a glimpse of soojung. luna just nods her head, letting her know that's not true, that it was never true, because krystal knows she's lied to herself too many times about sunyoung in the first place. (luna is fine, this industry isn't getting to her), so she screams a little more. luna thinks the girl might damage her voice, her very pretty voice, and she watches as krystal spurts out reasons on why she needs to get better.
"i can't - what if you jump again?"
luna just takes a step forward and presses the palm of her hand against krystal's lips. neither of them move for what seems like an eternity after that, but they just look at each other.
luna's never noticed how krystal's eyes are a deep brown. krystal tries not to notice how much pain she sees flicker across luna's eyes with every passing second. the younger girl grabs her wrist, and tries to remove her hand from her mouth. her fingers are bony and her skin is cold, but she manages to do it.
before krystal manages to utter a word, she finds luna crying again. it's a deep silence in between the two before the blonde musters up the courage to speak.
"just don't say anything .. i think the silence helps."
they both sit down on the floor. krystal has her head down, and because they're like that for awhile, luna familiarizes herself with the roots of krystal's hair.
after she accidentally catches a glimpse of minho and krystal kissing, she goes into a quiet phase again. krystal recognizes this phase, so ultimately, she becomes scared. she tries to talk to luna about it, but she just replies with, "i want to talk to minho."
so, here he is, staring across the wooden table and into luna's eyes like nothing is wrong. she can feel his leg shaking under the table out of anxiety as her fingers tap some out of beat tune against the surface. she's pretty incoherent and her mind is quite disjointed, so it starts like this,
"i thought you said you liked older women."
"i do."
"i saw you kissing krystal yesterday."
he blinks some and the ground stops shaking, but he doesn't look ashamed. luna isn't really sure what he looks like, or what she wanted him to look like anyways, but by the blush creeping upon his cheeks, she figures he's embarrassed.
"oh."
"i thought you said you liked older women."
"i do."
"then what about krystal? don't lead her on minho."
"i'm not."
"i thought you said you liked -"
"i don't like her. i love her."
it's only after that conversation that luna realizes that sunyoung loves minho, and that sunyoung is the same person as luna - because that's her. they share the same heart and therefore the same pain, so her knees are hugged up to her chest later that night in the dorm. she keeps her eyes glued on the television, trying to let it absorb her mind, but then victoria lets onew in and he's sitting next to her on the couch too.
"are you okay?"
instead of responding, she only turns the volume up on the television a little louder.
even though onew is kind of whispering, she can still hear him above the buzz of laughter and scattered colors. "minho told me .. about today. he doesn't really understand, but i think i do," onew looks at her, but she isn't really paying attention. when he's sure that victoria's back inside her room he stands up and walks in front of the television, turns it off, and then sits cross legged facing her.
he offers a sad smile that she doesn't return, but he can only see her eyes above her knees anyways.
"you love him, don't you?"
luna just turns the television back on.
when krystal is informed of all the mishaps, she feels bad.
"luna," she crawls into the older girl's bed, shaking her small body with force. luna's awake, krystal knows it too, but she wants to make some form of eye contact. when they do, krystal kind of wishes they didn't, but she keeps their gazes attached anyways, "i had no idea, i'm sorry." she sincerely means it, luna can tell too, but she still can't bring herself to respond.
this isn't your fault, you know? maybe if i wasn't so sad all the time ..
"i'll stop seeing him if you want me too," her sharp voice cuts clear through her thoughts, and luna immediately shakes her head in a no.
"he looks happy with you," luna whispers under her breath. he looks happy with krystal, happier than he would ever be with her, so she only sulks for a few more seconds before she smiles and decides that it's okay. that she'll be okay. she just opens her arms to krystal who eagerly finds herself in the older girl's embrace.
"for the record," krystal whispers, "onew loves you."
luna flinches, wondering if this is krystal's attempt at consoling her, or maybe it's just pity, or maybe it's both, and luna's being bitter about it.
"i know."
and she thinks about it for the rest of the night. luna wants to love him back, but she can't, and she comes to the conclusion she didn't really love minho either, that maybe she didn't love anyone. so when she has that revelation, she comes to realize that she couldn't love anyone, because she didn't really know how to love herself first.
luna works on that for the next week or so.
"you smile a lot more now," onew is the first one to tell her.
krystal is the second. minho is the third.
she loses count of the rest.
"krystal, wake up."
the raven haired girl utters a groan before rolling over and onto her side, narrowing her eyes, trying to perceive luna's figure in the dark. "what?" her voice is scratchy and inaudible. luna just drags her out of bed, "we're going on a field trip."
she finds herself in a car about twenty minutes later, her head against minho's chest, onew at the driver's seat, and luna right next to him.
her eyes close and when they're open again, they're by some beach in seoul.
krystal stumbles out of the car, held close to minho's side, and she hides her smile seeing luna and onew's fingers laced.
"what are we doing here?"
krystal asks before luna takes her hand too. "what do you see over there, on that little island?" she responds with a question, and onew replies, "windmills."
there's this light, cheery laugh, that electrifies all three of them when it escapes from luna's mouth. "exactly."
they throw off their shoes and walk hand in hand along the beach, the sun barely rising against the horizon. luna likes it, they way time seems to freeze in the sky, how stars are still scattered and clear, but fading with the orange that spills over the whole atmosphere. she wiggles her toes a little deeper into the sand, and then she starts running.
her fingers slip out of krystal's, who just laughs, but her and onew run near to the edge of the cold water.
they both pant, out of breath with tired smiles, but they're sincere smiles.
"so, what was this thing about windmills?"
luna shrugs, "they're not like me."
onew doesn't understand, so he doesn't pretend like he doesn't, "well .. of course they're not like you."
"not anymore." luna grips a little tighter onto his hand, their palms sweating and sticking to each other, and luna kind of thinks it's a sign that maybe they're supposed to be that close.
"jump with me."
luna looks at onew who gazes down at the water which doesn't seem all too dangerous. so, he nods, and picks her up before running knee deep into the ocean and diving under with her safely in his arms.
( the second time she jumps, she opens her eyes a few seconds later to underwater smiles and laughs.
onew simply takes her hand again even beneath the waves, and luna thinks she remembers what it's like to love someone again, that maybe this is her happiness. )
-
a/n: i don't even know where the windmill thing came from (maybe from here. maybe), and that this whole thing is incoherent, and spontaneous, and i just really love minho/krystal & onew/luna, but whatever. i wasn't really happy with the ending, but oh well, maybe i'll revise it later.