(no subject)
sometimes, not always
jooyeon/g.o
there are days when they miss each other, really miss each other, and there are days when they just forget. some days are better than others, but most of them fall in between these blurred lines that none of them really understand. some nights are filled with tears and heavy breathing, fingers grasping at the phone and dialing - only to get an answering machine. call again, ring once, ring twice, and finally someone answers and voices crack in efforts to make someone (something) whole. other nights pass by with laughs and gaining a new number from someone else, someone who doesn't have a face burnt into the back of their minds, someone who they won't go back to a third, fourth - hell, not even a second time.
but things like that don't last, they never do. love isn't supposed to be fleeting.
"i don't know if i can do this," jooyeon says slowly. she doesn't want to lose him, even if she already has.
it's tiring to love someone if you don't love them all the time (because sometimes you forget how.)
he buries his face into his hands, deeper and deeper until he feels like he's completely hidden. jooyeon can still see the cracks in between g.o - byunghee's fingers, but he isn't really there. they aren't really there. they don't want to end it, but -
"i don't know what we have anymore." i don't think we have anything anymore.
byunghee wants to tell her not to give up on him, not to give up on them, but he doesn't.
"i don't either," is what he settles on.
"i will still love you no matter what," her hand reaches out and tries to grab his, but he moves his away just in time.
then why can't you still love me now?
hold on 'til i come back
seohyun/yonghwa
someone, a few months back, had asked her if she still kept in contact with yonghwa. she said no, but at the time it hadn't bothered her. months later, for no reason, without any warning, an abrupt knot forms in her stomach, and seohyun, joohyun, is only left breathless for reasons unexplained.
memories like that can creep up on a person, settle themselves in such a way that the nostalgia seeps in deeply afterwards. it's a circle, a painful one, but the feelings make their rounds and seohyun has always been able to shake them off after an hour or two, but the pit in her stomach lasts for days (the ache in her heart resides for weeks.) and then she just does it, she calls and gets no answer and she finally feels something close to okay, even if she hasn't gotten anywhere. what she doesn't expect (what she isn't sure she wanted), was for him to call back. and they're sitting across from each other at some hole in the wall cafe, smiling through the dim lights and musty air.
"i'm glad you called me," he says first, his voice inviting and raw and almost unfamiliar. but it brings back this tingling feeling that she faintly remembers but has come to forget, and she says nothing of it.
"i'm glad i called you too," she's honest and different, he notices. she's unafraid and carries a whole new set of burdens, one much heavier that he can see her frail shoulders be dragged down, but her smile is brighter than ever. he wonders if she's happy, happier without him (if he ever had her in the first place), but says nothing of the sort either. it's hard to be friends with someone you were forced to marry, someone you unexpectedly felt something - anything for, and then you blink and it's gone.
maybe they wanted a second chance at this, she thinks. maybe they could have one.
"did you miss me?" he tries to joke lightly, but he can't.
"i did," she says after some thought, finally. the quiver in her chest brings about a split-second pain, and then it passes again.
but i don't know if i do anymore.
picture me without you
sunny/sungmin/jonghyun
"i kind of just want someone who will be there for me," sunny says out of frustration, her fingers pressing numbingly against her temples. she could have whatever she wanted, maybe whoever she wanted, but not him - never him. and it's not his fault, maybe not even hers, but her bones feel heavier and as the days pass her blood feels like nothing except for slush sliding around her veins. sungmin can only really listen, unknowning of the angry beat he taps with his chopsticks against the table, or how he secrelty boils on the inside but falters underneath the impression of them being just friends. brother and sister, almost.
sungmin is not jonghyun, and sungmin doesn't get sunny, nor is he able to even have her. he flinches and shifts uncomfortably, feeling the eyes of SM burn into the back of his neck and he understands why (even if really doesn't want to.)
"after awhile," she mumbles, taking the seat down next to him, "the fame, these things, they start to become pointless." because they do without having a clear image of their future. sometimes she tries to put the pieces together in her head, what she will be like ten, twenty years from now, "and sungmin, you'll be there, even if he won't be." but that picture isn't enough for her (even though he wishes it was.)
"sometimes, i might as well be dead," is her final conclusion, dramatic and overdrawn, but bitterly true.
and he slowly nods his head and closes his eyes, "trust me," he whispers, "i know the feeling." all too well.
you didn't have to cut me off
jessica/donghae
after awhile she becomes tired of crying her eyes out that she doesn't cry at all, but that is when the pain only gets worse. she tries to pull together fragments of words and pronounce syllables until she's saying nothing but is yearning for someone to understand. donghae, i'm tired. donghae, i love you. donghae, i'm tired of loving you - but i'm really not. she has a heart and he has a piece of it, but it's the collateral damage that is starting to show its affects. there are emotional bruises and the occasional scar, but she has to remember that, "it's only a flesh wound because once all of this is over, once you live in a life of .. well, normality, you'll still have him, even if there's no one else." and she doesn't remember who said it but it was easy for them to say when they're not the ones who are being speculated, hated, -
"why are you hiding?" krystal is the one who asks. she's straightforward, almost annoyed at her sister's hiding.
"because you're here," is jessica's default response. they're allowed to be mean to each other and all at the same time just be there for each other, because sometimes no one else is.
"what happened this time?" she sits on the corner of her sister's bed and waits. krystal doesn't feel invited, she doesn't feel welcomed, but she's comfortable and patient and wants to understand (because they all do, they always do, even if no one wants to acknowledge it.)
"i don't know. i just don't think i make him happy."
"is that what we live for then? to make our boy friends happy?"
no.
then what?
and jessica exhales, because hell, she doesn't know anymore.