time, ticking on me
time, ticking on me [2/3]
4671 w, pg-13 (jessica-centric, jessica/donghae)
highschool!au it's about the people you meet along the way.
a/n: i know. it's been over a month, but i'm finally happy with it.
part one.
Andrew Largeman: This hurts so much.
Sam: I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's sorta all we have.
-
Her sneakers squeak against the waxed floor, something that Jessica immediately takes note of. Decorative lights hang loosely from the ceiling, floating mere inches above the blond roots of her hair. It's endearing almost, the way he shuffles nervously. She can make out his knuckles though his hands are deeply buried into his jean pockets and he sighs. "So, a cute place for a first date, right?" He looks at her with eyes shaped like crescent moons. Jessica feels something inside of her flutter - but it's immediately suppressed. Her arms drop and hang loosely from her sides, a bit more comfortable than her previous position with them folded over her torso. Krystal said that seventy percent of conversations can be shown through body language. Or maybe it was seven percent - she forgets.
"It is."
She smiles to herself discreetly with the way he looks at her after that. Less nervous and not so heavy, the graveness seeping in the atmosphere didn't belong there in the first place. She wonders if he plans on holding her hand after this, or maybe - "Seat for two?"
Jessica's eyes flicker over with an arched brow. There's a boy in front of them that looks around Donghae's age, a gummy smile that reeks of charisma. She takes a moment to decide if she likes that about him or not, but that doesn't prevent her from seeing the stranger nudge Donghae. Maybe it's a guy thing: guys just randomly nudge other guys. She doesn't bother to sink behind Donghae underneath this male's observant gaze, but it's almost like he has too much of a purpose to be staring at her life that.
He cracks first.
"Donghae, she's really pretty, you've done well my son," The male inhales deeply before placing a hand on his shoulder. Jessica can see the way his fingers dig into the leather jacket. She frowns, "You know each other?" It's almost an insult with the underlying tone of: you hang out with that? But nothing comes across when a smile smears across his countenance.
"If I said no, I'd be lying,"
"And even though Donghae is a liar - he would never lie about his best friend. I'm Eunhyuk," He shoves his hand toward Jessica.
She contemplates on shaking it, and ultimately - she doesn't.
When they're in the kitchen, Eunhyuk grimaces.
"I don't think she likes me."
Donghae shrugs, "Don't worry about it. She didn't shake my hand when we first met either."
"So, you take me on our date to a restaurant that your best friend's dad owns." It's not a question and Donghae can tell, but somehow he can also tell it isn't an insult. He figures if she were to insult him, she'd do it much more blatantly anyways. He doesn't feel any need to respond as he sinks into the cushioned chair. Jessica's hand rest on the table, nails cut short and clean with hair loosely waved over her shoulders. He doesn't know how much effort she took in getting ready, but she doesn't plan on telling him. And Krystal will never meet him, so she'll never get the chance to embarrass her anyways.
"Eunhyuk is a good guy, we grew up together. He has my back," Donghae explains. She can sense the sincerity in his voice, as if it were a stage whisper. Jessica doesn't doubt it, but she doesn't think she ever did. Donghae almost seemed sensitive in her eyes. Something about that was charming.
"So, are you going to order me food?" Jessica challenges.
"Well sure, if you like dumplings and dduboki."
She blinks some before responding, "I love both of those things." Donghae assumes one way to her heart is food. He assumed correctly.
"Why do you look at me like I'm a stranger sometimes?" Donghae asks with a light laugh. There's more meaning behind it then he lets on, and Jessica knows it too. She looks at him with a tilt of her head, wanting to feign as if she didn't know what he was talking about. But she does, and Jessica was never one for lying anyways. "Well, I met you on bus. Three times. The other time I met you, you were punched in the face by the supermarket I conveniently shop at - which, by the way, I think was a whole plan for you to try and impress me. Although, you didn't. So, we've met four times."
He scoffs, looking away for a moment, "Maybe four times too many."
"Maybe four times is not enough to consider this a date."
"Then what do you want to call it?"
"... A meeting in which we get to know each other."
"But I know you."
"Do you?"
He sighs, "Alright, let's start over again."
She laughs at his exasperation, "Hello stranger, I'm Jessica."
"Hi Jessica, I'm the love of your life," Donghae keeps a straight face, and so does Jessica when she punches him in the shoulder.
"Jerk face."
"What!? Oh, God forbid I try and be romantic."
"Yes, let him forbid it - besides, I've always been more for horror anyways."
"What are you? Alright, let's try that again. Hi Jessica, I'm here to stalk you."
"Now, that wasn't so hard, is it?"
There's something about past relationships, and how Donghae has never dated anyone seriously, and Jessica isn't serious, and they laugh, and smile - and things go well. But for Jessica, it's like she's staring at their date, like she wasn't really there. Ot was too happy and too much - and not real enough for her. She makes a mental note that he's no prince charming - no, not with the way he shoves the whole dumpling in his mouth. But maybe, she's never really wanted that anyways. But maybe - she doesn't really know what she wants in the first place.
"So, how do you know English so well?"
"I'm from America," Jessica mumbles unceremoniously, eyes shifting to the table.
"That's really cool! So now, you live here in Korea I'm guessing?"
"No, I'm just going to school here."
She knows the next question, and she wonders what he expects the answer to be. Jessica sees his lips moving, but for a moment, she can't hear anything. It's like reality it setting itself back into place, and she's back in her own body instead of just staring. She feels the same now, happiness fleeting through the spaces in between her fingers. She realizes he's spoken and she realizes she hasn't heard the question - but there's something in the silence that lends her the answer.
"I'm leaving in a month."
"...Oh."
And she eats the last rice cake after that.
When she gets home, Krystal is sitting on the bed. She's perched forward with her usual blank expression, but it's expecting nonetheless. Jessica can feel her calves become heavier when thoughts rush into her head like some hurricane. She wonders how she'll answer the questions, and she also wonders when was the last time Krystal had waited for her to get home. There's something that stings for a moment, the way the door closes behind her and she doesn't hear any noise. Jessica feels like she's never noticed how Krystal's eyes are deep and alive, while hers always look deep and just empty. Jessica can feel the same numbing notion settle in somewhere and maybe it's not her heart,or her soul, or her liver, or stomach, or any organ or part of her - but it's hidden and there and Jessica wonders how long she'll have to play hide and seek with it before she finds it, but she's a little kid out of breath and ready to give up.
"How was the date?" Krystal sounds tired. Jessica looks over to the clock on the wall, green letters indicating that it is eleven thirty two.
"I'm leaving in a month," Is all Jessica says, dropping her bag off to the side of the room.
She wonders how she forgot, or if she forgot, or if it was ever really there to begin with. That dull ache slowly creeping along brittle bones - her bones, nevertheless, and Jessica feels herself sinking. Sinking, not drowning, but treading water which isn't quite enough to keep her head above the blue. So she closes her eyes and lets the blue slush through her brain, an empty feeling. Like the blood pumping in her veins, it becomes a water slide. It all goes downward, and Jessica can see Mickey Mouse and Tacos and her home and her parents and not Korea and not herself - because leaving this place met leaving this life. Right when it started to get good too. She can hear Krystal's distinct steps, a cultivation of betrayal with each heel toe movement forward. This is where Krystal betrays the relationship they've built: when she lies down next to Jessica on her bed.
Jessica wonders how the raven haired girl can fit but Krystal tells her it's because she was so tiny. She being her - she being Jessica. "It's not like you love him," Krystal reminds Jessica underneath closed lids. Krystal can still feel Jessica's heart breaking, but she isn't sure of what. "It was a first date, one date, and you're not falling in love."
"I know. I'm not Krystal," Jessica hears herself say with more anger than she intended. She's not falling in love, she's not falling at all.
"Falling is too passive for me, people don't just fall in love. People don't just let it happen."
"So what are you going to do?"
Jessica sighs, "I don't know."
There's a string of silence curling around their toes, Jessica's arm draped clumsily along her own torso. Even though they lie in the same bed, Jessica has never felt farther away from her sister. Their bodies don't touch and it's only the new sense of warmth that reminds Jessica that Krystal's still there - that she exists, even when she doesn't.
"If you stop now, if you hurt now - it won't hurt later."
"I'm not in love."
"But it's the closest thing you'll ever have to it, and now you have to lose it."
Taeyeon snaps her fingers in front of Jessica's face, drawing her attention back to the milk skinned girl. Her lips draw into a thin pressed line, eyes smoldering into the other's. "Yes?" Jessica's forced smile is wry after that, brows furrowing unevenly. This doesn't get much of a response from Taeyeon, not with the way she merely leans back in her chair.
"Nothing. You were just staring into space, like you were possessed or something. Even though you were here, you weren't. But it was kind of like .. you were there."
"Taeyeon, that doesn't even remotely make sense."
"But it does! Next time I'll take a picture of you and you can see how you look. It's pretty though, like a doll."
"Dolls don't have souls."
Taeyeon scoffs, "What the hell does that have to do with anything?"
Jessica actually doesn't know, so they both laugh. Taeyeon just shrugs her shoulders into her bag, the last bell ringing with salvation. Everyone around scurries out of their seats and Jessica rises slowly. Her fingers pull down at her skirt while Taeyeon shuffles to her feet. "Do you need a ride home?" She asks. Jessica shakes her head in a no before patting the girl's shoulder.
"No, I need to take the bus today," Jessica explains while she clumsily slides books into her bag.
"For that guy, right?"
"Yes, that guy."
Jessica slides into the seat next to him without a sound. He gives no response, not with the way his eyes are heavily lidded. She leans back into the fainted blue fabric of the seat, invisible hands placing themselves over her semi aching heart. She reminds herself that she ate a big lunch, and the dull ache in her chest is just the after effect. She reminds herself that he's still a stranger and not someone she loves, because that's the only thing she's sure of. Everything else was unknown and without an answer. That's how life seemed to work, she had a lot of questions to answers - a futile and frustrating path. He snores.
"So, you're going to miss me," Jessica declares to a sleeping Donghae with a nod of her head.
"You're going to miss the pretty girl you met on the bus and went on a date and got you punched in the face because you've never met anyone like her, and it's just going to happen," She continues. Her eyes don't flick over to him, but she can hear him smile and laugh.
"I think you're right," Is all Donghae says before looking over at her.
"So, a month, huh?"
Jessica nods numbly. Unceremoniously, he curtains his arm over her shoulders in a feigned stretch, offering a cheesy smile afterwards.
"Well, then I guess you should make it worth your while."
Jessica punches him in the shoulder, causing him to retract his arm.
"I guess so."
Krystal makes a note that Jessica looks happier. It's weird, how happy she becomes within two weeks. She counts all the smiles and laughs that try to fill in for three years of silence, but it always seems to fall short. Jessica comes home at hours with these stories that she can't quite understand, words running miles and miles that she can't catch up too. Something about a boy named Eunhyuk, and go cart racing, and ice cream, and Krystal knows that Jessica didn't listen to her two weeks ago. She can almost hear Jessica's heart through every syllable, and she isn't sure what kind of sound it is but it's more than beating.
"As long as you're happy," Krystal hears herself say. The words fall from her lips much too quickly for her to actually catch them. By then, Jessica is already staring at her.
Jessica tucks strands of her newly brunette hair back behind her ear, shifting her weight from one foot to another. Krystal looks at Jessica pointedly, her lips drawing into a thin, smug line. Her eyes are careless with their snarky glares, but her words are just straightforward and unbelievably sharp, "Jessica, stop it. You know you're happy, we all know you are. Even auntie and uncle are starting to notice the outrageous smile plastered on your face. They think it's weird. I think it's weird."
"Well, it's nice to know that you disapprove of my happiness, Soojung."
"Well, it's nice to know that I never made you happy. Not like this guy could, apparently," Krystal replies numbly.
Jessica stares harder, waiting for either of them to disintegrate. Neither of them do though and Jessica tries to shed some apathy. Unusually, she's hurt. Feelings are hurt, pride is hurt, and it's just a matter of which the two belong too.
"You do make me happy, loser," Is all Jessica decides to say.
Krystal just looks back down at the magazine in her hands, flipping to another page. Vintage dresses have always been distracting. More interesting.
"Yeah, I know," Krystal lies.
Sinking, maybe. That's the feeling she feels. Donghae is busy tracing musical notes on her palm or something, something that inflicts sorts of sparks in her stomach. Her eyes are closed and they continue to lie there on the ground. She's high up there in that world, spinning in her thoughts that unusually involve him. He stops tracing her palm.
"Am I that much of a boring boy friend that you fall asleep?" Donghae exclaims with a slight frown.
Jessica opens on eye, "What did you say?"
"Am I boring?"
"Extremely. But what did you say, word for word. Verbatim."
Donghae takes a minute, looking off at the rest of the park surrounding them. He sits cross legged before a smirk pulls on his lips. "Right, I said boy friend. Is that weird?" Donghae asks, partially serious and the other part slightly worried. Yet, it is all covered with the facade of a joking smile.Jessica opens both of her eyes, furiously blinking away denial. Maybe she'd just accept these feelings, just once, and it wouldn't hurt her so much to do so. That's all she asked for. She took another moment to gaze at the sky, as if the higher power up there would answer her prayers. Seemingly, they do.
"It's not weird, but I haven't heard it before." When she left America, she was too young for a boy friend. When she came here, she didn't want one. Chronological order interfered with any notion of relationships. She interfered with any hopes of them, too. And sure, along the ways she had strung some guys along, but mostly because of the way she looked. Never just because of well .. her.
"I don't know what it is," Jessica insists around a yawn, letting him take the stage. She can almost feel Donghae smiling down at her, a smile she had become familiar too. It had burnt itself into the back of her brain anyways, ashes collected and put aside for safe keeping. Endearing, charming, and not really what she wanted, but it would have to do.
"I don't know either, but you want to know what I do know? I know that I like you, Jessica. And I'm hoping that's enough."
"It's enough for me."
It had to be enough because that was all he had to offer. Sinking too deep, knee deep, and he can feel his feet becoming weary. He's been counting down the days, unknown to her, and so has she. It's like they keep a calendar together; red marks only represent how much more it will cut anyways. But, they still keep going.
When she sees him at the super market, Jessica tries to stifle down a laugh.
Eunhyuk looks taller, happier, or maybe she doesn't really remember him from the dim lighting two weeks ago. Shamelessly, his pick up lines are dropped like bombs on poor Taeyeon's head. What makes it even worse is that she's laughing at them too. Jessica rolls her eyes and turns back to her choices of canned soup, dropping chicken noodle and tomato into the basket. Krystal had a cold and she figured she might as well do her a favor. Eunhyuk places his arm in front of Jessica's face. She looks over with a mere frown, completely deadpan and unamused with his upbeat straining of words and gummy smiles. Obviously, Taeyeon thinks it is cute.
"So, you taking care of Donghae?" Eunhyuk asks with arched brows before wiggling them.
She heaves inwardly before walking down the aisle. "No," Jessica replies calmly. She goes back into a content state after a moment. He probably feeds off her annoyance.
"Well, the guy really likes you. He hasn't liked anyone since his last girl friend," Eunhyuk throws the fact out carelessly. Jessica, surprisingly, is unfazed.
"If you're trying to make me jealous Eunhyuk, it isn't working."
She thinks she heard Eunhyuk curse faintly under his breath, drawing a small smile on her lips. He then beams lightly, "Well, I got you to smile. I'm guessing you don't hate me as much now?"
"I don't hate you."
"Yeah, okay, whatever you say," Eunhyuk mocks before winking at Taeyeon and turning the other way. "Stop by the restaurant sometime Taeyeon, you can bring Jessica with you if you want."
After he leaves, Jessica makes sure to get the notion out of Taeyeon's head. Immediately.
"You need to stop," Krystal barks with authority; authority that doesn't belong to her. Jessica remembers the tone starkly, a tone only used with children, parent figures. It was something that Jessica didn't own. She wonders how she remembers a tone like that, the syllables and rhythm and beat of it all. The room after that statement is barren, something is burnt and sparking. Tempers, maybe, or a bomb ready to explode. Ticking, time - Jessica loses track of it. She turns to face her. Krystal seems distinctly grown up from the last time she remembers, and it occurs to her that it has only been a week. That maybe, Jessica was just becoming younger. More naive. More innocent. Jessica folds her arms over her torso, protecting the heart pounding against the sharp edges of her ribcage.
"Krystal, what is the problem? You've been all confrontational all week," Her voice is raw and crisp with flushed out anxiety.
"You need to stop and start packing, Jessica. You are leaving in a week, has that occurred to you yet? I tried waving a warning flag in your face a month ago, I really did. You're too deep now, so, save yourself." Is all Krystal says.
( It's all she knows how to say; rather that than I'll miss you. The latter will hurt too much anyways. )
"Do I get to kiss you before you leave?" Donghae whispers.
Seven days, if that many, and something about it seems too unreal. Ethereal with her ephemeral presence. He reaches out to touch her when he's watching from outside, but it doesn't happen in their existence. She seems sad, like before, and it makes him sad too. Jessica has these transitions between reality and fantasy, and she comes to the realization that Donghae is real. Too real, so, this will have collateral damage that will leave bruises and cuts. They won't heal, Jessica knows that. But it isn't like she loves him.
"No," Jessica offers a small, sad smile. They both laugh, mostly pitiful, and he grabs her hand. All he sees are brittle bones in her, bare and exposed. She wishes she had more flesh to protect her heart, but that never seemed to be in the plan for her. Her fingers curl somberly around his. Their hands don't fit together. Hers is too small and his is too big, like maybe he's cradling their knuckles, and if he squeezed too hard she would break. If she squeezed too hard, he would deteriorate. Jessica can hear the pounding vibrations of his headache through the tiles of their roof.
( "This is my room," Jessica had said nonchalantly.
"Was your room."
"Still is, for now."
Donghae sighed, "Well, yeah, that is a good point."
Jessica unlatches the window, "But this is the roof. I think it'll be nicer to just lie out there." )
"Don't be sad though Jessica. If you come back, I'll still be here."
"I know that, but I'm not coming back."
"Then you should just not leave."
"But I've always wanted to leave. I've always wanted to go home."
"Seoul never became your home?"
"No, not really."
Donghae can only afford to heave a small sigh out of frustration. It's a moment of weakness, Jessica notes. The tears that threaten to invade her dry eyes also put her on edge, but he squeezes her hand tighter to remind her that she's alive. That he won't let her fall - at least, not off this roof. Falling in love was completely different though.
"It would be a lie to say that I would get over you."
"Don't get over me, just remember me," Her words are muffled. Maybe words were just accessories, and Donghae knew it too in that moment.
When she finally feels the world slipping and her heart breaking, weight pressing down and air being taken away - she doesn't cry. Neither does he, because crying could only express a fragment of how bad it must have felt.
"We'll be looking at the same stars, even when you're in America," And they sleep outside on the roof that night.
Krystal looks a lot like Jessica, except more mature. Wiser almost. He scratches the back of his neck and ignores her look of dismay and the pile of boxes that Krystal has conveniently brought in. Duct tape hangs loosely from around her skinny white wrist, almost as skinny as Jessica's, but Krystal looks much more .. alive. Jessica doesn't bother introducing them two to each other, the effort seemed futile. Wasted. Donghae assumes they weren't on good terms at the moment. His inquiry, seemingly, is correct when Krystal groans, "Jessica, I'm not going to help you."
"Why do you seem so excited to see me leave?" Jessica snarks before Krystal takes her leave.
Donghae throws a glance over his shoulder, "She doesn't seem too excited. At all."
"She's been hassling me all week," She defends.
He only shakes his head, "If anything, I think scared is written all over her face."
"Just say it Krystal," Jessica sits down next to her on the roof that night. She tucks her knees underneath her chin, almost able to eat them. From peripheral vision, she can see Krystal chipping away at the old, peeling paint on the tiles. She closes her eyes and waits for the affirmation of her inquiries, wondering if this will sting more than she imagines. It does.
"Can't you just stay?" Krystal asks with a tremble in her vocal range. Jessica doesn't miss it, she doesn't think she ever could. Tremors like that were rare in someone like Krystal. They were unknown and too out of place, so Jessica holds on to it.
"Krystal, you know I can't."
"But Jessica, I know that you want too. Things were getting better - things are getting better. You are getting better."
That night, they cry. Jessica leans to hold Krystal until she's holding herself. It's less painful that way.
Six boxes and a suitcase.
That's all it takes to pack up her life.
"What now?" Is his first question when she steps onto the bus that day. It's a 4:15 bus that she takes everyday for school, and she has one more time until the weekend comes and graduation and she's gone. As if she were never there, leaving imprints on flesh and breaking people's hearts. Only her own though, only ever her own, and she wish that would be enough. If it would just end there.
"We were .. we are on the beginning of something big, you know? And now, you have to leave."
"We have really bad timing," Jessica has her feet propped up against the seat in front of her. Her chin rests in between her knees.
She closes her eyes, clenching her fists.
"You know, I kind of hate you. I hate you for sitting here, I hate you for .. being a pillow. For getting punched in the face - "
"For making you like me, yeah, save me the melodramatic," Donghae looks at her. She can see a prickling kind of pain forming in his eyes.
"Then I kind hate you too for that reason, Jessica."
She nods her head and closes her eyes, wondering what now. Jessica feels herself ticking away, fading away, and she realizes she isn't allowed to stay. ( "You are getting better," would never be enough of a reason. )
"Don't cry," Donghae's breathing hitches and heavies. She leans on him with heavy eyes and a tired laugh. Donghae feels like he can hear her heart breaking through her limited pulses.
"I'm still not allowed to kiss you, right?"
"Right. If you do, it'll probably hurt too much."
Everything will hurt too much. It hurts to leave your heart in a place where it doesn't belong, and to send it to a place where it will only get rejected. It hurts to feel yourself fall apart and have the sharp edges scratch sensitive skin. Lungs that collapse inwards, thoughts that are meek and suddenly coming out. A dark, deep blue that Jessica is familiar too is slowly coming back. Sad, sadder, and it isn't enough for her and too much for someone to save her now.
What they are is different from what they could be ; she wonders if they actually exist.
"It'll hurt more if I don't," Even if their hands don't seem to fit together, their lips do.
-
part three soon.
4671 w, pg-13 (jessica-centric, jessica/donghae)
highschool!au it's about the people you meet along the way.
a/n: i know. it's been over a month, but i'm finally happy with it.
part one.
Andrew Largeman: This hurts so much.
Sam: I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's sorta all we have.
-
Her sneakers squeak against the waxed floor, something that Jessica immediately takes note of. Decorative lights hang loosely from the ceiling, floating mere inches above the blond roots of her hair. It's endearing almost, the way he shuffles nervously. She can make out his knuckles though his hands are deeply buried into his jean pockets and he sighs. "So, a cute place for a first date, right?" He looks at her with eyes shaped like crescent moons. Jessica feels something inside of her flutter - but it's immediately suppressed. Her arms drop and hang loosely from her sides, a bit more comfortable than her previous position with them folded over her torso. Krystal said that seventy percent of conversations can be shown through body language. Or maybe it was seven percent - she forgets.
"It is."
She smiles to herself discreetly with the way he looks at her after that. Less nervous and not so heavy, the graveness seeping in the atmosphere didn't belong there in the first place. She wonders if he plans on holding her hand after this, or maybe - "Seat for two?"
Jessica's eyes flicker over with an arched brow. There's a boy in front of them that looks around Donghae's age, a gummy smile that reeks of charisma. She takes a moment to decide if she likes that about him or not, but that doesn't prevent her from seeing the stranger nudge Donghae. Maybe it's a guy thing: guys just randomly nudge other guys. She doesn't bother to sink behind Donghae underneath this male's observant gaze, but it's almost like he has too much of a purpose to be staring at her life that.
He cracks first.
"Donghae, she's really pretty, you've done well my son," The male inhales deeply before placing a hand on his shoulder. Jessica can see the way his fingers dig into the leather jacket. She frowns, "You know each other?" It's almost an insult with the underlying tone of: you hang out with that? But nothing comes across when a smile smears across his countenance.
"If I said no, I'd be lying,"
"And even though Donghae is a liar - he would never lie about his best friend. I'm Eunhyuk," He shoves his hand toward Jessica.
She contemplates on shaking it, and ultimately - she doesn't.
When they're in the kitchen, Eunhyuk grimaces.
"I don't think she likes me."
Donghae shrugs, "Don't worry about it. She didn't shake my hand when we first met either."
"So, you take me on our date to a restaurant that your best friend's dad owns." It's not a question and Donghae can tell, but somehow he can also tell it isn't an insult. He figures if she were to insult him, she'd do it much more blatantly anyways. He doesn't feel any need to respond as he sinks into the cushioned chair. Jessica's hand rest on the table, nails cut short and clean with hair loosely waved over her shoulders. He doesn't know how much effort she took in getting ready, but she doesn't plan on telling him. And Krystal will never meet him, so she'll never get the chance to embarrass her anyways.
"Eunhyuk is a good guy, we grew up together. He has my back," Donghae explains. She can sense the sincerity in his voice, as if it were a stage whisper. Jessica doesn't doubt it, but she doesn't think she ever did. Donghae almost seemed sensitive in her eyes. Something about that was charming.
"So, are you going to order me food?" Jessica challenges.
"Well sure, if you like dumplings and dduboki."
She blinks some before responding, "I love both of those things." Donghae assumes one way to her heart is food. He assumed correctly.
"Why do you look at me like I'm a stranger sometimes?" Donghae asks with a light laugh. There's more meaning behind it then he lets on, and Jessica knows it too. She looks at him with a tilt of her head, wanting to feign as if she didn't know what he was talking about. But she does, and Jessica was never one for lying anyways. "Well, I met you on bus. Three times. The other time I met you, you were punched in the face by the supermarket I conveniently shop at - which, by the way, I think was a whole plan for you to try and impress me. Although, you didn't. So, we've met four times."
He scoffs, looking away for a moment, "Maybe four times too many."
"Maybe four times is not enough to consider this a date."
"Then what do you want to call it?"
"... A meeting in which we get to know each other."
"But I know you."
"Do you?"
He sighs, "Alright, let's start over again."
She laughs at his exasperation, "Hello stranger, I'm Jessica."
"Hi Jessica, I'm the love of your life," Donghae keeps a straight face, and so does Jessica when she punches him in the shoulder.
"Jerk face."
"What!? Oh, God forbid I try and be romantic."
"Yes, let him forbid it - besides, I've always been more for horror anyways."
"What are you? Alright, let's try that again. Hi Jessica, I'm here to stalk you."
"Now, that wasn't so hard, is it?"
There's something about past relationships, and how Donghae has never dated anyone seriously, and Jessica isn't serious, and they laugh, and smile - and things go well. But for Jessica, it's like she's staring at their date, like she wasn't really there. Ot was too happy and too much - and not real enough for her. She makes a mental note that he's no prince charming - no, not with the way he shoves the whole dumpling in his mouth. But maybe, she's never really wanted that anyways. But maybe - she doesn't really know what she wants in the first place.
"So, how do you know English so well?"
"I'm from America," Jessica mumbles unceremoniously, eyes shifting to the table.
"That's really cool! So now, you live here in Korea I'm guessing?"
"No, I'm just going to school here."
She knows the next question, and she wonders what he expects the answer to be. Jessica sees his lips moving, but for a moment, she can't hear anything. It's like reality it setting itself back into place, and she's back in her own body instead of just staring. She feels the same now, happiness fleeting through the spaces in between her fingers. She realizes he's spoken and she realizes she hasn't heard the question - but there's something in the silence that lends her the answer.
"I'm leaving in a month."
"...Oh."
And she eats the last rice cake after that.
When she gets home, Krystal is sitting on the bed. She's perched forward with her usual blank expression, but it's expecting nonetheless. Jessica can feel her calves become heavier when thoughts rush into her head like some hurricane. She wonders how she'll answer the questions, and she also wonders when was the last time Krystal had waited for her to get home. There's something that stings for a moment, the way the door closes behind her and she doesn't hear any noise. Jessica feels like she's never noticed how Krystal's eyes are deep and alive, while hers always look deep and just empty. Jessica can feel the same numbing notion settle in somewhere and maybe it's not her heart,or her soul, or her liver, or stomach, or any organ or part of her - but it's hidden and there and Jessica wonders how long she'll have to play hide and seek with it before she finds it, but she's a little kid out of breath and ready to give up.
"How was the date?" Krystal sounds tired. Jessica looks over to the clock on the wall, green letters indicating that it is eleven thirty two.
"I'm leaving in a month," Is all Jessica says, dropping her bag off to the side of the room.
She wonders how she forgot, or if she forgot, or if it was ever really there to begin with. That dull ache slowly creeping along brittle bones - her bones, nevertheless, and Jessica feels herself sinking. Sinking, not drowning, but treading water which isn't quite enough to keep her head above the blue. So she closes her eyes and lets the blue slush through her brain, an empty feeling. Like the blood pumping in her veins, it becomes a water slide. It all goes downward, and Jessica can see Mickey Mouse and Tacos and her home and her parents and not Korea and not herself - because leaving this place met leaving this life. Right when it started to get good too. She can hear Krystal's distinct steps, a cultivation of betrayal with each heel toe movement forward. This is where Krystal betrays the relationship they've built: when she lies down next to Jessica on her bed.
Jessica wonders how the raven haired girl can fit but Krystal tells her it's because she was so tiny. She being her - she being Jessica. "It's not like you love him," Krystal reminds Jessica underneath closed lids. Krystal can still feel Jessica's heart breaking, but she isn't sure of what. "It was a first date, one date, and you're not falling in love."
"I know. I'm not Krystal," Jessica hears herself say with more anger than she intended. She's not falling in love, she's not falling at all.
"Falling is too passive for me, people don't just fall in love. People don't just let it happen."
"So what are you going to do?"
Jessica sighs, "I don't know."
There's a string of silence curling around their toes, Jessica's arm draped clumsily along her own torso. Even though they lie in the same bed, Jessica has never felt farther away from her sister. Their bodies don't touch and it's only the new sense of warmth that reminds Jessica that Krystal's still there - that she exists, even when she doesn't.
"If you stop now, if you hurt now - it won't hurt later."
"I'm not in love."
"But it's the closest thing you'll ever have to it, and now you have to lose it."
Taeyeon snaps her fingers in front of Jessica's face, drawing her attention back to the milk skinned girl. Her lips draw into a thin pressed line, eyes smoldering into the other's. "Yes?" Jessica's forced smile is wry after that, brows furrowing unevenly. This doesn't get much of a response from Taeyeon, not with the way she merely leans back in her chair.
"Nothing. You were just staring into space, like you were possessed or something. Even though you were here, you weren't. But it was kind of like .. you were there."
"Taeyeon, that doesn't even remotely make sense."
"But it does! Next time I'll take a picture of you and you can see how you look. It's pretty though, like a doll."
"Dolls don't have souls."
Taeyeon scoffs, "What the hell does that have to do with anything?"
Jessica actually doesn't know, so they both laugh. Taeyeon just shrugs her shoulders into her bag, the last bell ringing with salvation. Everyone around scurries out of their seats and Jessica rises slowly. Her fingers pull down at her skirt while Taeyeon shuffles to her feet. "Do you need a ride home?" She asks. Jessica shakes her head in a no before patting the girl's shoulder.
"No, I need to take the bus today," Jessica explains while she clumsily slides books into her bag.
"For that guy, right?"
"Yes, that guy."
Jessica slides into the seat next to him without a sound. He gives no response, not with the way his eyes are heavily lidded. She leans back into the fainted blue fabric of the seat, invisible hands placing themselves over her semi aching heart. She reminds herself that she ate a big lunch, and the dull ache in her chest is just the after effect. She reminds herself that he's still a stranger and not someone she loves, because that's the only thing she's sure of. Everything else was unknown and without an answer. That's how life seemed to work, she had a lot of questions to answers - a futile and frustrating path. He snores.
"So, you're going to miss me," Jessica declares to a sleeping Donghae with a nod of her head.
"You're going to miss the pretty girl you met on the bus and went on a date and got you punched in the face because you've never met anyone like her, and it's just going to happen," She continues. Her eyes don't flick over to him, but she can hear him smile and laugh.
"I think you're right," Is all Donghae says before looking over at her.
"So, a month, huh?"
Jessica nods numbly. Unceremoniously, he curtains his arm over her shoulders in a feigned stretch, offering a cheesy smile afterwards.
"Well, then I guess you should make it worth your while."
Jessica punches him in the shoulder, causing him to retract his arm.
"I guess so."
Krystal makes a note that Jessica looks happier. It's weird, how happy she becomes within two weeks. She counts all the smiles and laughs that try to fill in for three years of silence, but it always seems to fall short. Jessica comes home at hours with these stories that she can't quite understand, words running miles and miles that she can't catch up too. Something about a boy named Eunhyuk, and go cart racing, and ice cream, and Krystal knows that Jessica didn't listen to her two weeks ago. She can almost hear Jessica's heart through every syllable, and she isn't sure what kind of sound it is but it's more than beating.
"As long as you're happy," Krystal hears herself say. The words fall from her lips much too quickly for her to actually catch them. By then, Jessica is already staring at her.
Jessica tucks strands of her newly brunette hair back behind her ear, shifting her weight from one foot to another. Krystal looks at Jessica pointedly, her lips drawing into a thin, smug line. Her eyes are careless with their snarky glares, but her words are just straightforward and unbelievably sharp, "Jessica, stop it. You know you're happy, we all know you are. Even auntie and uncle are starting to notice the outrageous smile plastered on your face. They think it's weird. I think it's weird."
"Well, it's nice to know that you disapprove of my happiness, Soojung."
"Well, it's nice to know that I never made you happy. Not like this guy could, apparently," Krystal replies numbly.
Jessica stares harder, waiting for either of them to disintegrate. Neither of them do though and Jessica tries to shed some apathy. Unusually, she's hurt. Feelings are hurt, pride is hurt, and it's just a matter of which the two belong too.
"You do make me happy, loser," Is all Jessica decides to say.
Krystal just looks back down at the magazine in her hands, flipping to another page. Vintage dresses have always been distracting. More interesting.
"Yeah, I know," Krystal lies.
Sinking, maybe. That's the feeling she feels. Donghae is busy tracing musical notes on her palm or something, something that inflicts sorts of sparks in her stomach. Her eyes are closed and they continue to lie there on the ground. She's high up there in that world, spinning in her thoughts that unusually involve him. He stops tracing her palm.
"Am I that much of a boring boy friend that you fall asleep?" Donghae exclaims with a slight frown.
Jessica opens on eye, "What did you say?"
"Am I boring?"
"Extremely. But what did you say, word for word. Verbatim."
Donghae takes a minute, looking off at the rest of the park surrounding them. He sits cross legged before a smirk pulls on his lips. "Right, I said boy friend. Is that weird?" Donghae asks, partially serious and the other part slightly worried. Yet, it is all covered with the facade of a joking smile.Jessica opens both of her eyes, furiously blinking away denial. Maybe she'd just accept these feelings, just once, and it wouldn't hurt her so much to do so. That's all she asked for. She took another moment to gaze at the sky, as if the higher power up there would answer her prayers. Seemingly, they do.
"It's not weird, but I haven't heard it before." When she left America, she was too young for a boy friend. When she came here, she didn't want one. Chronological order interfered with any notion of relationships. She interfered with any hopes of them, too. And sure, along the ways she had strung some guys along, but mostly because of the way she looked. Never just because of well .. her.
"I don't know what it is," Jessica insists around a yawn, letting him take the stage. She can almost feel Donghae smiling down at her, a smile she had become familiar too. It had burnt itself into the back of her brain anyways, ashes collected and put aside for safe keeping. Endearing, charming, and not really what she wanted, but it would have to do.
"I don't know either, but you want to know what I do know? I know that I like you, Jessica. And I'm hoping that's enough."
"It's enough for me."
It had to be enough because that was all he had to offer. Sinking too deep, knee deep, and he can feel his feet becoming weary. He's been counting down the days, unknown to her, and so has she. It's like they keep a calendar together; red marks only represent how much more it will cut anyways. But, they still keep going.
When she sees him at the super market, Jessica tries to stifle down a laugh.
Eunhyuk looks taller, happier, or maybe she doesn't really remember him from the dim lighting two weeks ago. Shamelessly, his pick up lines are dropped like bombs on poor Taeyeon's head. What makes it even worse is that she's laughing at them too. Jessica rolls her eyes and turns back to her choices of canned soup, dropping chicken noodle and tomato into the basket. Krystal had a cold and she figured she might as well do her a favor. Eunhyuk places his arm in front of Jessica's face. She looks over with a mere frown, completely deadpan and unamused with his upbeat straining of words and gummy smiles. Obviously, Taeyeon thinks it is cute.
"So, you taking care of Donghae?" Eunhyuk asks with arched brows before wiggling them.
She heaves inwardly before walking down the aisle. "No," Jessica replies calmly. She goes back into a content state after a moment. He probably feeds off her annoyance.
"Well, the guy really likes you. He hasn't liked anyone since his last girl friend," Eunhyuk throws the fact out carelessly. Jessica, surprisingly, is unfazed.
"If you're trying to make me jealous Eunhyuk, it isn't working."
She thinks she heard Eunhyuk curse faintly under his breath, drawing a small smile on her lips. He then beams lightly, "Well, I got you to smile. I'm guessing you don't hate me as much now?"
"I don't hate you."
"Yeah, okay, whatever you say," Eunhyuk mocks before winking at Taeyeon and turning the other way. "Stop by the restaurant sometime Taeyeon, you can bring Jessica with you if you want."
After he leaves, Jessica makes sure to get the notion out of Taeyeon's head. Immediately.
"You need to stop," Krystal barks with authority; authority that doesn't belong to her. Jessica remembers the tone starkly, a tone only used with children, parent figures. It was something that Jessica didn't own. She wonders how she remembers a tone like that, the syllables and rhythm and beat of it all. The room after that statement is barren, something is burnt and sparking. Tempers, maybe, or a bomb ready to explode. Ticking, time - Jessica loses track of it. She turns to face her. Krystal seems distinctly grown up from the last time she remembers, and it occurs to her that it has only been a week. That maybe, Jessica was just becoming younger. More naive. More innocent. Jessica folds her arms over her torso, protecting the heart pounding against the sharp edges of her ribcage.
"Krystal, what is the problem? You've been all confrontational all week," Her voice is raw and crisp with flushed out anxiety.
"You need to stop and start packing, Jessica. You are leaving in a week, has that occurred to you yet? I tried waving a warning flag in your face a month ago, I really did. You're too deep now, so, save yourself." Is all Krystal says.
( It's all she knows how to say; rather that than I'll miss you. The latter will hurt too much anyways. )
"Do I get to kiss you before you leave?" Donghae whispers.
Seven days, if that many, and something about it seems too unreal. Ethereal with her ephemeral presence. He reaches out to touch her when he's watching from outside, but it doesn't happen in their existence. She seems sad, like before, and it makes him sad too. Jessica has these transitions between reality and fantasy, and she comes to the realization that Donghae is real. Too real, so, this will have collateral damage that will leave bruises and cuts. They won't heal, Jessica knows that. But it isn't like she loves him.
"No," Jessica offers a small, sad smile. They both laugh, mostly pitiful, and he grabs her hand. All he sees are brittle bones in her, bare and exposed. She wishes she had more flesh to protect her heart, but that never seemed to be in the plan for her. Her fingers curl somberly around his. Their hands don't fit together. Hers is too small and his is too big, like maybe he's cradling their knuckles, and if he squeezed too hard she would break. If she squeezed too hard, he would deteriorate. Jessica can hear the pounding vibrations of his headache through the tiles of their roof.
( "This is my room," Jessica had said nonchalantly.
"Was your room."
"Still is, for now."
Donghae sighed, "Well, yeah, that is a good point."
Jessica unlatches the window, "But this is the roof. I think it'll be nicer to just lie out there." )
"Don't be sad though Jessica. If you come back, I'll still be here."
"I know that, but I'm not coming back."
"Then you should just not leave."
"But I've always wanted to leave. I've always wanted to go home."
"Seoul never became your home?"
"No, not really."
Donghae can only afford to heave a small sigh out of frustration. It's a moment of weakness, Jessica notes. The tears that threaten to invade her dry eyes also put her on edge, but he squeezes her hand tighter to remind her that she's alive. That he won't let her fall - at least, not off this roof. Falling in love was completely different though.
"It would be a lie to say that I would get over you."
"Don't get over me, just remember me," Her words are muffled. Maybe words were just accessories, and Donghae knew it too in that moment.
When she finally feels the world slipping and her heart breaking, weight pressing down and air being taken away - she doesn't cry. Neither does he, because crying could only express a fragment of how bad it must have felt.
"We'll be looking at the same stars, even when you're in America," And they sleep outside on the roof that night.
Krystal looks a lot like Jessica, except more mature. Wiser almost. He scratches the back of his neck and ignores her look of dismay and the pile of boxes that Krystal has conveniently brought in. Duct tape hangs loosely from around her skinny white wrist, almost as skinny as Jessica's, but Krystal looks much more .. alive. Jessica doesn't bother introducing them two to each other, the effort seemed futile. Wasted. Donghae assumes they weren't on good terms at the moment. His inquiry, seemingly, is correct when Krystal groans, "Jessica, I'm not going to help you."
"Why do you seem so excited to see me leave?" Jessica snarks before Krystal takes her leave.
Donghae throws a glance over his shoulder, "She doesn't seem too excited. At all."
"She's been hassling me all week," She defends.
He only shakes his head, "If anything, I think scared is written all over her face."
"Just say it Krystal," Jessica sits down next to her on the roof that night. She tucks her knees underneath her chin, almost able to eat them. From peripheral vision, she can see Krystal chipping away at the old, peeling paint on the tiles. She closes her eyes and waits for the affirmation of her inquiries, wondering if this will sting more than she imagines. It does.
"Can't you just stay?" Krystal asks with a tremble in her vocal range. Jessica doesn't miss it, she doesn't think she ever could. Tremors like that were rare in someone like Krystal. They were unknown and too out of place, so Jessica holds on to it.
"Krystal, you know I can't."
"But Jessica, I know that you want too. Things were getting better - things are getting better. You are getting better."
That night, they cry. Jessica leans to hold Krystal until she's holding herself. It's less painful that way.
Six boxes and a suitcase.
That's all it takes to pack up her life.
"What now?" Is his first question when she steps onto the bus that day. It's a 4:15 bus that she takes everyday for school, and she has one more time until the weekend comes and graduation and she's gone. As if she were never there, leaving imprints on flesh and breaking people's hearts. Only her own though, only ever her own, and she wish that would be enough. If it would just end there.
"We were .. we are on the beginning of something big, you know? And now, you have to leave."
"We have really bad timing," Jessica has her feet propped up against the seat in front of her. Her chin rests in between her knees.
She closes her eyes, clenching her fists.
"You know, I kind of hate you. I hate you for sitting here, I hate you for .. being a pillow. For getting punched in the face - "
"For making you like me, yeah, save me the melodramatic," Donghae looks at her. She can see a prickling kind of pain forming in his eyes.
"Then I kind hate you too for that reason, Jessica."
She nods her head and closes her eyes, wondering what now. Jessica feels herself ticking away, fading away, and she realizes she isn't allowed to stay. ( "You are getting better," would never be enough of a reason. )
"Don't cry," Donghae's breathing hitches and heavies. She leans on him with heavy eyes and a tired laugh. Donghae feels like he can hear her heart breaking through her limited pulses.
"I'm still not allowed to kiss you, right?"
"Right. If you do, it'll probably hurt too much."
Everything will hurt too much. It hurts to leave your heart in a place where it doesn't belong, and to send it to a place where it will only get rejected. It hurts to feel yourself fall apart and have the sharp edges scratch sensitive skin. Lungs that collapse inwards, thoughts that are meek and suddenly coming out. A dark, deep blue that Jessica is familiar too is slowly coming back. Sad, sadder, and it isn't enough for her and too much for someone to save her now.
What they are is different from what they could be ; she wonders if they actually exist.
"It'll hurt more if I don't," Even if their hands don't seem to fit together, their lips do.
-
part three soon.