(no subject)
Desi called me yesterday, said she missed me and wants to hang out. I dunno if I wrote this before, but it's been troubling me. I don't know how to take it. Like, we said we were going to remain friends 'n all, it's just all of a sudden, out of the blue, she calls and wants to hang out. I don't know how to act around her. I suppose just...natural? Maybe? What if she wants me back? I dunno if I can say no. If I want to say no. The one person I want so badly it makes me want to break down and cry, it makes my body ache just to be near them the few times I am, I can never have. Reminds me of an email I got. "The worst way to miss some one is to be sitting right next to them, knowing you can't have them." Yeah, true. Very true. Aching, painful, terribly true. Heh, I like my poetry style. It's like...make a list with no 'and' at the end of my list. Broken up sentances, fragments. It's beautiful. I'm a beautiful writer, really I am. Just...yeah, I am. If only more people would read my stuff and let me know what they think, how they took it, what their fav part was, which chara they liked, what message did they get, etc. I love reviews.
I'm making my birthday buying list for when my parents set me loose to buy what I wish. So far I've got:
Dress from Torrid
Belt buckle with Mustang
Natural Keyboard
Boys Don't Cry DVD
Warcraft 2
Riven and Exile
Butterfly Effect DVD
Porn
Lotto ticket
Nipple piercing
Ciggerettes (to buy, not to smoke, yuck)
And that's it. So far. Heh...I wanted to put down 'love' but that's not something you can buy. Unfortunately. *sigh*
Y'know, I just got over looking at my cell, hoping to see a message from my girlfriend, Desi. Even after we broke up, I still wanted to look. It never sunk in. Day by day, I let just a little more knowledge into my heart so the hurt wouldn't take over and make me cry. Just got over it, and of course she calls and doesn't let me know how I'm to take this. Urgh...I shouldn't be taking this any way at all, really. It's just a friendly meeting, we said we were to be friends. But this is so random..so sudden...so...I dunno. Weird. There I go again, looking at my phone in hopes of finding a message from her, saying she wants to get back together, or we never broke up to begin with. It won't be there, I know that. I still want to look. Just as I thought. Nothing. I need to stop whining about this, it's nothing. Really. We didn't even have a relationship to be sad over.
I'm a bitch sometimes. This is how Cassie felt, I'm sure. And I can't help but think that this is some how Katie. That she talked Desi into breaking up with me to show me how Cassie felt. Desi liked Katie. A lot. I knew that when we got into the relationship. And Desi gave me a reason that I know wasn't why she broke up with me. I just can't help but think this is all Katie, playing games to make me feel like shit. It won't work. Not this time. I won't let myself kill myself. Whether physically or emotionally. Though, already, I'm starting to become rather numb. Like all feeling is just a reflection, a memory of how I used to feel. I'm forcing all emotion through myself, and it's weird...I don't even know what I'm talking about, so I'm going to shut up now.
I'm making my birthday buying list for when my parents set me loose to buy what I wish. So far I've got:
Dress from Torrid
Belt buckle with Mustang
Natural Keyboard
Boys Don't Cry DVD
Warcraft 2
Riven and Exile
Butterfly Effect DVD
Porn
Lotto ticket
Nipple piercing
Ciggerettes (to buy, not to smoke, yuck)
And that's it. So far. Heh...I wanted to put down 'love' but that's not something you can buy. Unfortunately. *sigh*
Y'know, I just got over looking at my cell, hoping to see a message from my girlfriend, Desi. Even after we broke up, I still wanted to look. It never sunk in. Day by day, I let just a little more knowledge into my heart so the hurt wouldn't take over and make me cry. Just got over it, and of course she calls and doesn't let me know how I'm to take this. Urgh...I shouldn't be taking this any way at all, really. It's just a friendly meeting, we said we were to be friends. But this is so random..so sudden...so...I dunno. Weird. There I go again, looking at my phone in hopes of finding a message from her, saying she wants to get back together, or we never broke up to begin with. It won't be there, I know that. I still want to look. Just as I thought. Nothing. I need to stop whining about this, it's nothing. Really. We didn't even have a relationship to be sad over.
I'm a bitch sometimes. This is how Cassie felt, I'm sure. And I can't help but think that this is some how Katie. That she talked Desi into breaking up with me to show me how Cassie felt. Desi liked Katie. A lot. I knew that when we got into the relationship. And Desi gave me a reason that I know wasn't why she broke up with me. I just can't help but think this is all Katie, playing games to make me feel like shit. It won't work. Not this time. I won't let myself kill myself. Whether physically or emotionally. Though, already, I'm starting to become rather numb. Like all feeling is just a reflection, a memory of how I used to feel. I'm forcing all emotion through myself, and it's weird...I don't even know what I'm talking about, so I'm going to shut up now.