Death while your body still lives is a horrible fate...
I use to think I hated my mother, that it was becuase we never got along, that she didn't like me for who I was. Then I began to talk with people, and I talked with Aunt Brenda while I was in New York, and we deiced my mom's...well, she's dead inside, the person that she used to be, the happiness and the love, it died a long time ago. And you can tell by her eyes, when she smiles, she's not really there, she's not really alive. I feel so bad for her...Some one suggested that I talk to her, bring that to her attention, but I wouldn't be able to. She's too...dead. You can see a glimpse of who she used to be ignit when she's been out with friends, being social, but this place, this town, has killed her. There's no parties for her to go to, no friends to go and just chill with, nothing for her to do that makes her live, makes her happy. This is a death trap for her, and it is for me too cuz I'm so much like who she used to be, dad told me that.
My father once told me that my mom, who she is now, is not the woman he married. I feel so bad to realize that...well, he's the one who killed her. By bringing her here and making her stay. My mom loves my dad, so much that she'll let herself die, she knows she'd dying and maybe even dead. She wouldn't be able to leave him, and he wouldn't be able to survive without her. A few years ago she kept telling me that they were going to get a divorce, and I felt like my entire world was falling down, I cried, and I didn't want them to. But now...I want mom to live, I want who she used to be back. The spontanious, loving, wild, fun-seeking just living woman she used to be. Unafraid of things, uncaring of what others thought about her. Now, she's so obsessed with what others think that it's chaning her, making her feel embaressed to be around me, to have me as her daughter cuz I dont' dress perfectly.
I hate to say it, but the only way to bring her back, to let her live again, is to have her leave dad and move far away from Ridgecrest, this place that kills those who are social, those who are alive. This is a death trap for people, I've become convinced of this. I was never depressed until I came here, mom couldn't get enough of life, and we got along so well, until we came here. This place has killed most my friends, or is in the process of. This place just..it sucks, so bad! If Hell were real, this would be it. It kills whoever stays here for too long, and makes them continue to live though truly, their souls are just...gone. Who they used to be, or who they could be is just...not there. Sure, some people can live here, just like some life can live in the desert, snakes and the like, but most people can't...most people can't stand it here, and they don't even realize it. They don't even realize that they're depression, they're stoism is because of this place.
I wish I could make mom live again, because those random bits of who she used to be sometimes comes out, and that's when I just...I love her so much! Not only love her, but I like her! I get along with her, and we laugh, and we just don't care, and we just...we just live life for what it is, making our own happiness and not worrying about this or that.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the reason mom stays with dad, and I'm the reason she let herself die. I'm the thing that kept a marriage together that shouldn't still be together. They love each other, I think, at least dad loves mom so much, but mom...she needs so much more. She needs life, people, parties, things to do, places to go on the weekend, she just...she dies when those things are gone. And here, they're gone. So she died. And I'm pretty sure it's my fault. Why else would she let herself die?
Even my friend see how miserable she is when she smiles, you can tell it's so fake, cuz it never reaches her eyes. When you look at her eyes, it's like they're apart of a different face, slammed onto a face that's smiling, when they came from a face that's crying. She's crying inside, and it's been so long she doesn't even know it anymore. Or maybe she does, she's just either trying to convince herself she's fine, or she's trying to make it look like she's okay, for my sake, and my father's sake. It'd kill dad if she left, but I honestly think it'd be the best for her. I don't want them to split up, but I don't want to watch mom die more and more each day, knowing that she could be so much more.
She's so talented with painting, and just...designing and creative stuff. She's so much like me inside, deep down in her soul, that it's almost scary. But, here, with dad, she's working behind a desk in a job I know she hates. She needs to be out, doing creative things, talking with people, living life outside of this hell. But, she won't. And I don't know why. I wish she would. When she first saw Ridgecrest, she knew it would be the death of her, but for love she stayed and tried to fight for her life, but slowly, she lost. She's turned to cigerettes and alcohol now to keep her happy, but it won't work for long. It'll just kill her more, faster.
I feel so horrible, now that I know she's dying, or maybe even dead. It's like..my whole outlook on her has changed, I feel so sorry for her, and slightly guilty. I feel like..it's so hard to put into words. It's the saddest thing I've seen, when I really look at her, when she tries to smile. It hurts my heart so much to see her eyes, the sadness and the knowledge that she isn't who she used to be. I used to think it was age, but then I realized it was here. Or maybe even a combination of both. I just...I wish I could help. I wish I could help to bring back who she used to be. And yet, I'm afraid that she isn't really different from who she used to be. But dad told me that she's no longer the woman he married, that she was once just like me, rebellious and just...care-free. I wish I could save her, but really, she has to save herself. I only wish she could...
My father once told me that my mom, who she is now, is not the woman he married. I feel so bad to realize that...well, he's the one who killed her. By bringing her here and making her stay. My mom loves my dad, so much that she'll let herself die, she knows she'd dying and maybe even dead. She wouldn't be able to leave him, and he wouldn't be able to survive without her. A few years ago she kept telling me that they were going to get a divorce, and I felt like my entire world was falling down, I cried, and I didn't want them to. But now...I want mom to live, I want who she used to be back. The spontanious, loving, wild, fun-seeking just living woman she used to be. Unafraid of things, uncaring of what others thought about her. Now, she's so obsessed with what others think that it's chaning her, making her feel embaressed to be around me, to have me as her daughter cuz I dont' dress perfectly.
I hate to say it, but the only way to bring her back, to let her live again, is to have her leave dad and move far away from Ridgecrest, this place that kills those who are social, those who are alive. This is a death trap for people, I've become convinced of this. I was never depressed until I came here, mom couldn't get enough of life, and we got along so well, until we came here. This place has killed most my friends, or is in the process of. This place just..it sucks, so bad! If Hell were real, this would be it. It kills whoever stays here for too long, and makes them continue to live though truly, their souls are just...gone. Who they used to be, or who they could be is just...not there. Sure, some people can live here, just like some life can live in the desert, snakes and the like, but most people can't...most people can't stand it here, and they don't even realize it. They don't even realize that they're depression, they're stoism is because of this place.
I wish I could make mom live again, because those random bits of who she used to be sometimes comes out, and that's when I just...I love her so much! Not only love her, but I like her! I get along with her, and we laugh, and we just don't care, and we just...we just live life for what it is, making our own happiness and not worrying about this or that.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the reason mom stays with dad, and I'm the reason she let herself die. I'm the thing that kept a marriage together that shouldn't still be together. They love each other, I think, at least dad loves mom so much, but mom...she needs so much more. She needs life, people, parties, things to do, places to go on the weekend, she just...she dies when those things are gone. And here, they're gone. So she died. And I'm pretty sure it's my fault. Why else would she let herself die?
Even my friend see how miserable she is when she smiles, you can tell it's so fake, cuz it never reaches her eyes. When you look at her eyes, it's like they're apart of a different face, slammed onto a face that's smiling, when they came from a face that's crying. She's crying inside, and it's been so long she doesn't even know it anymore. Or maybe she does, she's just either trying to convince herself she's fine, or she's trying to make it look like she's okay, for my sake, and my father's sake. It'd kill dad if she left, but I honestly think it'd be the best for her. I don't want them to split up, but I don't want to watch mom die more and more each day, knowing that she could be so much more.
She's so talented with painting, and just...designing and creative stuff. She's so much like me inside, deep down in her soul, that it's almost scary. But, here, with dad, she's working behind a desk in a job I know she hates. She needs to be out, doing creative things, talking with people, living life outside of this hell. But, she won't. And I don't know why. I wish she would. When she first saw Ridgecrest, she knew it would be the death of her, but for love she stayed and tried to fight for her life, but slowly, she lost. She's turned to cigerettes and alcohol now to keep her happy, but it won't work for long. It'll just kill her more, faster.
I feel so horrible, now that I know she's dying, or maybe even dead. It's like..my whole outlook on her has changed, I feel so sorry for her, and slightly guilty. I feel like..it's so hard to put into words. It's the saddest thing I've seen, when I really look at her, when she tries to smile. It hurts my heart so much to see her eyes, the sadness and the knowledge that she isn't who she used to be. I used to think it was age, but then I realized it was here. Or maybe even a combination of both. I just...I wish I could help. I wish I could help to bring back who she used to be. And yet, I'm afraid that she isn't really different from who she used to be. But dad told me that she's no longer the woman he married, that she was once just like me, rebellious and just...care-free. I wish I could save her, but really, she has to save herself. I only wish she could...