eyes that see into infinity
This may be a long entry, just kinda depends on how I feel as I write it. I really wish I could convey my thoughts into words better but I just haven't been able to do that recently. Anyways - here goes. An update, if you will.
I have been in a horrible funk lately. A really low depression. I can't remember a time where I've been this depressed for so long. The reason for this new friend of mine (depression) is because I've been trying to figure out my life. It's been really tough because there's been alot of things that I've needed to do to get my life back into some sort of order. It's taken alot of time, and I'm still nowhere close to where I want to be. Being in Mississippi has been a rollercoast of emotions. At first I was happy to be away from drama and nonsense in Tuscaloosa, then I became sad b/c I missed my friends, then happy again because I started making friends over here, confusion b/c I don't know what I want out of life, and depression because I feel stuck in a rut.
One of the biggest problems I've had is not having a car. Long story short - I haven't had a vehicle in like 3 months. It really wasn't a problem to begin with b/c I didn't really go anywhere anyways so if I did I just took my sister's car. It slowly has turned into a huge problem b/c I just feel stuck. If I wanted to go to Tuscaloosa or Montgomery to visit friends, I haven't been able to b/c I had no way. I haven't been able to go anywhere by myself w/o having to ask permission to use my sister's car. It's just really sucked b/c I feel so dependent of others and I hate that. I've also been depressed about school b/c I really want to be back in school full time but I just don't know when that will happen. Even when I do get back into school next year it'll have to be night school b/c wherever I go I will have to get a good job so I can support myself b/c my parents aren't doing that anymore. No big deal though, I can handle night school if that's what it takes.
I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life since I don't know anymore. I used to have it all figured out and that's what scares me now... b/c I have NO clue. All I know is that I want to finish college and have a good career w/ something where I don't have to do the exact same thing everyday. The job I have now sucks in the fact that it's the same thing day in and day out and I HATE that.
Another huge problem I've had is finding out where I want to move to. I fully plan on moving out by the end of december to.... ? somewhere. Becca has asked me to move to NY and live with her, Xtina has asked me to move to Memphis and live w/ her and I've had a couple other offers for other places. Last time I went to Tuscaloosa I just felt like maybe I didn't want to move back so I had kinda pretty much left T-town out of the running selection. But now that I think about things, it seems like T-town would be the easiest place to live right now. I could go and start anew. I'm just scared of moving somewhere and not being able to support myself. I feel a little more comfortable trying to do that in Tuscaloosa. Money is the root of all evil. Dammit. You got to have money to do anything in this damn day and age.
I think I may have the car problem fixed - so we'll just have to see what happens next week, but basically someone has found a car for me and I'm going to be paying them back for however long that takes (that's stressing me out too).
Mississippi has been good for alot of things. I got over my little alcohol problem (yes, I believe I really had a problem with drinking), paid bills off (got 1 more to go tho and I don't know how I'm going to pay for a car and that too at the same time), learned ALOT about myself (alot more mature, more levelheaded about things, still can't budget money for shit tho). But it's time to go soon. I really hope that by the end of the year I will be in a lot better place than I am now b/c this cave I've kept myself holed in is suffocating me.
It's been hard b/c I feel like I haven't really been living life, just been putting it on hold until better things start to happen but I have to realize that I can't do that. I've got to find happiness in everything I do, no matter what it is. I've got to start looking at things at a different angle, out of the box if you will. I've come along way in the past year, but I've still got a long way to go.
My goals:
1. get car paid for
2. get that last bill paid off
3. save up some money
4. find job and place to live in tuscaloosa
5. move to tuscaloosa
6. FIND HAPPINESS
7. Let the light in! (Kabbalah - don't laugh.)
8. budget money =\
I want to have all of that completed by the end of december !!
I have been in a horrible funk lately. A really low depression. I can't remember a time where I've been this depressed for so long. The reason for this new friend of mine (depression) is because I've been trying to figure out my life. It's been really tough because there's been alot of things that I've needed to do to get my life back into some sort of order. It's taken alot of time, and I'm still nowhere close to where I want to be. Being in Mississippi has been a rollercoast of emotions. At first I was happy to be away from drama and nonsense in Tuscaloosa, then I became sad b/c I missed my friends, then happy again because I started making friends over here, confusion b/c I don't know what I want out of life, and depression because I feel stuck in a rut.
One of the biggest problems I've had is not having a car. Long story short - I haven't had a vehicle in like 3 months. It really wasn't a problem to begin with b/c I didn't really go anywhere anyways so if I did I just took my sister's car. It slowly has turned into a huge problem b/c I just feel stuck. If I wanted to go to Tuscaloosa or Montgomery to visit friends, I haven't been able to b/c I had no way. I haven't been able to go anywhere by myself w/o having to ask permission to use my sister's car. It's just really sucked b/c I feel so dependent of others and I hate that. I've also been depressed about school b/c I really want to be back in school full time but I just don't know when that will happen. Even when I do get back into school next year it'll have to be night school b/c wherever I go I will have to get a good job so I can support myself b/c my parents aren't doing that anymore. No big deal though, I can handle night school if that's what it takes.
I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life since I don't know anymore. I used to have it all figured out and that's what scares me now... b/c I have NO clue. All I know is that I want to finish college and have a good career w/ something where I don't have to do the exact same thing everyday. The job I have now sucks in the fact that it's the same thing day in and day out and I HATE that.
Another huge problem I've had is finding out where I want to move to. I fully plan on moving out by the end of december to.... ? somewhere. Becca has asked me to move to NY and live with her, Xtina has asked me to move to Memphis and live w/ her and I've had a couple other offers for other places. Last time I went to Tuscaloosa I just felt like maybe I didn't want to move back so I had kinda pretty much left T-town out of the running selection. But now that I think about things, it seems like T-town would be the easiest place to live right now. I could go and start anew. I'm just scared of moving somewhere and not being able to support myself. I feel a little more comfortable trying to do that in Tuscaloosa. Money is the root of all evil. Dammit. You got to have money to do anything in this damn day and age.
I think I may have the car problem fixed - so we'll just have to see what happens next week, but basically someone has found a car for me and I'm going to be paying them back for however long that takes (that's stressing me out too).
Mississippi has been good for alot of things. I got over my little alcohol problem (yes, I believe I really had a problem with drinking), paid bills off (got 1 more to go tho and I don't know how I'm going to pay for a car and that too at the same time), learned ALOT about myself (alot more mature, more levelheaded about things, still can't budget money for shit tho). But it's time to go soon. I really hope that by the end of the year I will be in a lot better place than I am now b/c this cave I've kept myself holed in is suffocating me.
It's been hard b/c I feel like I haven't really been living life, just been putting it on hold until better things start to happen but I have to realize that I can't do that. I've got to find happiness in everything I do, no matter what it is. I've got to start looking at things at a different angle, out of the box if you will. I've come along way in the past year, but I've still got a long way to go.
My goals:
1. get car paid for
2. get that last bill paid off
3. save up some money
4. find job and place to live in tuscaloosa
5. move to tuscaloosa
6. FIND HAPPINESS
7. Let the light in! (Kabbalah - don't laugh.)
8. budget money =\
I want to have all of that completed by the end of december !!