you don`t remember me but i remember you.. .
well it`s a friday night and as usual, i`m alone and bored. because i`m such a loser and i have no friends..
okay, maybe i do have friends.. but i NEVER hang out with them outside of school anymore. these past couple of months i`ve felt so lonely it`s not even funny. i come home from school and go on-line and sit on my ass and watch tv. it`s sad really. i never do anything on weekends anymore because no one ever bothers to call me because i`m fat and ugly and annoying and no one wants to hang out with me. why does everyone hate me so much? GOD am i that bad of a person?
i went to meet with the social worker on tuesday. i had to leave early so i told my friends that i had a doctors appointment. i`m not even going to bother telling them i`m miserable and i need therapy. it`s not like they would understand or care anyway so i shouldn`t even waste my time. mr. miller (the social worker) was pretty nice and understanding. he looked like he was in his late 4O`s or so. he just basically asked me questions about my family, friends, what my self-esteem level was that day, and a bunch of other things. i`m supposed to see him again on the 26th. he gave me these daily mood log things where i write down a negative thing i`m feeling that day and then there`s like distortions and i try to pick out a distortion and then i make my negative feeling into a more positive feeling. it`s hard to explain. i kind of wish i could see him every day so i don`t go completely ballistic.
i think a big reason of why i`ve been so lonely and depressed is because everyone is like ignoring me and never asking me to do anything with them. it makes me feel so unwanted. i used to be like best friends with jessica. last spring and summer we would spend like every other day with eachother. now all she ever does is hang out with brandon. ofcourse he`s more important than her friends. she says that friends mean a lot more to her than guys but i think it`s all a big lie now. i was feeling very lonely last summer because i was fighting with all of my other friends and jessica was the only one i hung out with. she hung out with brandon like practically every day but i still managed to hang out with her too. we haven`t hung out since like october. i just don`t get it. why do i always lose my best friends? do i suck that much?
i`m still alittle weirded about talking to bryan again. i told the social worker alittle about him.. lol minus all the juicy details. i haven`t talked to him in a few days so i don`t know where we stand. i`m not feeling all sad that i haven`t talked to him in days like i would have been before. whatever happens, happens. i just really need to have fun right now. i`m not all desperate about hanging out with him again.. i think it would be fun but i`m not going to cry a river if he changes his mind.
i`ve been eating like a heffer this past week. it`s so disgusting.. i just cannot stop bingeing. i go from starving to bingeing. it`s a terrible cycle and i can`t seem to get out of it. i haven`t been able to eat normal for as long as i can remember. it`s an all or nothing to me. i either starve myself completely or i binge on the entire kitchen. i think about food constantly. why does something as simple as food have to be so difficult for me? food is one of the only things that`s actually keeping me happy right now. only i know it`s just an illusion of happiness. i just tend to forget about all of my problems when i bite into that piece of cake or pizza. then it all comes back and i feel so guilty and worthless. i have to stop this bingeing now before it`s too late. last spring i was my heaviest ever and i felt awful. i technically wasn`t overweight but i definitely wasn`t skinny. my clothes were really tight on me and i felt terrible when i went out. i never want to go back there again.. ever. i just really want to get in shape and be toned. i`m thinking about going on a sensible diet but i don`t know how well that will work out. i always say i will but then i somehow still binge and then result back to starving. i just want to be really toned and confident by spring. 1OO lbs is all i ask to weigh. it`s seems impossible for me to get there though.
lately i`ve been questioning my own life and wondering if it`s really worth living. i`m scaring myself so much. i`m having suicidal thoughts but i`m too scared to actually attempt anything. then something in the back of my head tells me i`ll be missing out on so much and there`s many things i haven`t even experienced yet. everyone would probably be very shocked if i did something like this because i put on such a facade. i`m good at it too. i`m usually really bubbly and laughing about everything. i don`t think anyone is ready to know the real me. i don`t know the real me.
my grades suck too. it`s my own fault though.. afterall i suck at life so what do you expect. i`m going to try my hardest to get my head out of my ass and get good grades next semester. but that`s what i always say.
i realize that this entry was very negative and it`s probably not something you really wanted to read but i`m not holding back. i hate myself.
okay, maybe i do have friends.. but i NEVER hang out with them outside of school anymore. these past couple of months i`ve felt so lonely it`s not even funny. i come home from school and go on-line and sit on my ass and watch tv. it`s sad really. i never do anything on weekends anymore because no one ever bothers to call me because i`m fat and ugly and annoying and no one wants to hang out with me. why does everyone hate me so much? GOD am i that bad of a person?
i went to meet with the social worker on tuesday. i had to leave early so i told my friends that i had a doctors appointment. i`m not even going to bother telling them i`m miserable and i need therapy. it`s not like they would understand or care anyway so i shouldn`t even waste my time. mr. miller (the social worker) was pretty nice and understanding. he looked like he was in his late 4O`s or so. he just basically asked me questions about my family, friends, what my self-esteem level was that day, and a bunch of other things. i`m supposed to see him again on the 26th. he gave me these daily mood log things where i write down a negative thing i`m feeling that day and then there`s like distortions and i try to pick out a distortion and then i make my negative feeling into a more positive feeling. it`s hard to explain. i kind of wish i could see him every day so i don`t go completely ballistic.
i think a big reason of why i`ve been so lonely and depressed is because everyone is like ignoring me and never asking me to do anything with them. it makes me feel so unwanted. i used to be like best friends with jessica. last spring and summer we would spend like every other day with eachother. now all she ever does is hang out with brandon. ofcourse he`s more important than her friends. she says that friends mean a lot more to her than guys but i think it`s all a big lie now. i was feeling very lonely last summer because i was fighting with all of my other friends and jessica was the only one i hung out with. she hung out with brandon like practically every day but i still managed to hang out with her too. we haven`t hung out since like october. i just don`t get it. why do i always lose my best friends? do i suck that much?
i`m still alittle weirded about talking to bryan again. i told the social worker alittle about him.. lol minus all the juicy details. i haven`t talked to him in a few days so i don`t know where we stand. i`m not feeling all sad that i haven`t talked to him in days like i would have been before. whatever happens, happens. i just really need to have fun right now. i`m not all desperate about hanging out with him again.. i think it would be fun but i`m not going to cry a river if he changes his mind.
i`ve been eating like a heffer this past week. it`s so disgusting.. i just cannot stop bingeing. i go from starving to bingeing. it`s a terrible cycle and i can`t seem to get out of it. i haven`t been able to eat normal for as long as i can remember. it`s an all or nothing to me. i either starve myself completely or i binge on the entire kitchen. i think about food constantly. why does something as simple as food have to be so difficult for me? food is one of the only things that`s actually keeping me happy right now. only i know it`s just an illusion of happiness. i just tend to forget about all of my problems when i bite into that piece of cake or pizza. then it all comes back and i feel so guilty and worthless. i have to stop this bingeing now before it`s too late. last spring i was my heaviest ever and i felt awful. i technically wasn`t overweight but i definitely wasn`t skinny. my clothes were really tight on me and i felt terrible when i went out. i never want to go back there again.. ever. i just really want to get in shape and be toned. i`m thinking about going on a sensible diet but i don`t know how well that will work out. i always say i will but then i somehow still binge and then result back to starving. i just want to be really toned and confident by spring. 1OO lbs is all i ask to weigh. it`s seems impossible for me to get there though.
lately i`ve been questioning my own life and wondering if it`s really worth living. i`m scaring myself so much. i`m having suicidal thoughts but i`m too scared to actually attempt anything. then something in the back of my head tells me i`ll be missing out on so much and there`s many things i haven`t even experienced yet. everyone would probably be very shocked if i did something like this because i put on such a facade. i`m good at it too. i`m usually really bubbly and laughing about everything. i don`t think anyone is ready to know the real me. i don`t know the real me.
my grades suck too. it`s my own fault though.. afterall i suck at life so what do you expect. i`m going to try my hardest to get my head out of my ass and get good grades next semester. but that`s what i always say.
i realize that this entry was very negative and it`s probably not something you really wanted to read but i`m not holding back. i hate myself.