Depression
Depression.
It's something I dealt with very heavily when I was about 17-20. Most of it was due to a family member's health issue. They were extremely close to me and we had an incredible bond. At the lowest part, I actually considered suicide, had two attempts (nothing I went through with) and every day thought about new and more gruesome ways to off myself.
Lately, I've been starting to wonder if I ever fully got out of the depression. Sure, I'm happy most of the time, but I still have depressive thoughts. I've only once gone back to the really bad feelings, a few months ago, but fortunately, it did quickly disappear.
I'm one of those people who, if not given enough light/sunlight, I seem to get Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I live in my head a lot. Sometimes, almost a little too much. Maybe that stems from so much teasing as a kid, and I learned I should just keep quiet unless I wanted something I said thrown back at me. When I was going through the depression in high school, I actually had a former friend tell me that I wasn't depressed, that I was looking for attention. They told me -they- were depressed and, apparently, that meant they knew everything. The point in that being that sometimes I seem to walk myself down the stairs into the depths. Sometimes it's easy to climb back out, and sometimes it's like climbing up a slippery slide. I don't want to go down but there's not much to hold onto to bring myself back up. It takes some time but I eventually manage to. I know it helps now knowing that I have a support system and people to talk to, that there's resources. Back then, I didn't. I also didn't know what was happening at the time. It was a slow descent and, once I realised where I was, it was too late. As no one was there beforehand, sometimes I felt like if I said something it would be too big a blow so I wouldn't say anything. I dealt with most of such a enormous thing as a child, early adolescent alone. It was sadly almost literally the death of me.
Some days I wish I remembered where the turning point was, when I managed to turn around and realise there was still a light. Maybe I won't ever know, won't ever remember.
I feel like I have so many unresolved things/feelings/etc. in my head that I keep coming back. In a strange way, it feels like home. I read things online and I see quotes that describe depression, the dark feelings, the numbness and the self-inflicted pain to prove to myself the numbness doesn't fully exist and it feels like it's where I belong. Maybe it's a side of me that will never die, never go away. Maybe it's unresolved internal conflicts, or closures that weren't truly real.
There's a Three Days Grace song that came on my iPod today and almost every single time it does I'm brought back to ten years ago. “'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all” from 'Pain'. I remember doing things to hurt myself because I felt nothing. I felt numb to the world. Causing myself pain was the only way that I could prove to myself that I still actually existed, in some form or another.
The darkness scares me, because I know what it means, where it could end up. But, on another level, there's certain aspects of it that just bring simple comfort. One could hypothesize that feeling is due to being completely stripped bare. There's no pride or ego. It's you, raw, open and bleeding.
It bothers me that some people think depression is a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. Just because you don't see it, don't feel it, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. There's so many kinds of depression, so many reasons people experience it. So many different factors play into depression, as well. As witnessed in the last few years, it's a hidden disease. Unfortunately, many people don't seek the help they need and pay the ultimate price, or they do seek the help but it's too little too late, the wrong kind of help or maybe the world's just a little too dark. Some, like myself, don't even realise they're going through it until too late (whether emotionally or physically). If someone expresses it, don't denounce them. You don't know what they're thinking, what they're feeling. Sometimes, people just need to talk. Sometimes it helps us sort out our thoughts and feelings. If we want advice, we'll ask for it.
I wish there wasn't such a stigma surrounding depression and mental health as an umbrella term. I feel more people would be willing and wanting, able to get help they need and deserve. Instead, we're met with disapproving stares, some ignorance and stats that should not exist.
People need to know that it's OK to experience depression. Some of the things experienced are the most horrible, lonely, desperate things to ever exist. Sometimes just having someone that will sit there for four hours and say, “I'll just listen. Talk about whatever goes through your mind, no judgement.” is the best thing.
Suicide is also a thing that we need to make sure people aren't afraid of, whether the suicidal person needing help or as a helper to a suicidal person. If we can talk about suicide, maybe we can save a life. It's a dark and desolate place where thoughts of suicide live. Helping someone through that could walk them back from the ledge, shine a even a small light into the blackness.