(no subject)

[kosmicnic]

i had a bad childhood. i know every thinks and possibly even says the same thing...well, i lived it. for a VERY long time. i would constantly fight with my mom, horrible fights. on a regular basis she would threaten to kick me out and said she didin't want me. starting in middle school i befriended a new girl...and she made my life a living hell. people say that adolescent girls are terrible, well terrible doesn't even begin to describe what she put me through. she got practically every girl in our middle school to harrass me. no one would be friends with me. i received death threats a lot and had to move my locker b/c every time i opened it hateful notes were always in it telling me i was worthless and that nobody liked me, that i was less popular then the physically/mentally challenged people in our school. they told me that i should just kill myself b/c i was a total waste of everything and that if i didn't they would kill me. they said i was a dog and ugly and that no one would ever or could ever like me. this was the only time in my life that i failed a test. i went to the councelors and they told me to deal with it. i stoped going to lunch b/c i couldn't stand the feeling of having to eat at a table by myself and having everyone talk about me and stare at me and know it. i spent my lunch time in a bathroom stall crying until i had to go to my next class. i was so disgusted with myself and scared of going to school that i couldn't eat in the mornings before school and couldn't eat at night b/c i couldn't stand how disgusting of a person i was. b/c of that i became anorexic, i lost over 20 pounds. i started to get severe optical migraines and i continue to get them b/c deep down i'm absolutely terrified that no one really likes me and that i'll loose my friends b/c i'm not good enough. as for class, i would stay after school and beg my teachers to pick the groups we had to work with for class projects out of fear of being stuck with one of the many girls that was determined to destroy me. i was suicidal and severely depressed. i constantly thought through the different ways i would/could kill myself and actually tried a couple times, but my mom walked in and i didn't want to do it in front of her.

so today i'm upset and i don't know why...the only thing i can say is that even though i seem really strong and determined and don't care what other people think, i am SO self conscious that i still haven't been able to get over it.