(no subject)
*everything is ok*
God, don't you love it when NOTHING is fucking ok, but you have to pretend that it is--- just so that someone else doesn't feel bad because you're feeling bad? And did that make any sense?
Alright, I am left feeling like a total jerk-face, and I shouldn't. Alright--little backround on my wonderful Jeremy. When something is bugging Jeremy--he pretends that it doesn't exist. He's really worried about me being sick, he's really worried about my surgery, he really wants to be there with me--- so of course he just pretends that it isn't happening. Because that's so much easier in the mind that is Jeremy. So....he doesn't ask to have off work.
Now he's playing the "what do you want me to do?" Card. "Do you want me to say that I can't work because you're getting surgery?" Yes. Yes that is exactly what I want you to do. Yes, I understand that it's your job. And I normally don't bitch. I didn't bitch when you had to work on Christmas. I didn't say anything when the plans I had made had to be canceled so you could cater (literally) to someone else's plans. I didn't say anything when you had to work on Valentines Day until 10pm. In fact, I cooked a nice dinner. Then 11:30 came around and you weren't there. Then 2:30am came around. Then you finally called me, as I am worried sick that you are fucking *dead*. You got into a fight with the psycho ex-boyfriend of the girl who works at the bar. You both went to the hospital. You almost went to jail. Our valentines day was ruined. Did I care? No. Shit happens. You're going to have to work on our anniversary. We don't know when we can go away for the weekend to New York City. The job that we though would be 3-4 days a week, set hours, has turned into every fucking day. I know there is no one else that can do it on Wednesday. I know that your 'boss' won't care about my surgery because she needs you to cook the hamburgers at the bar.
But you know what? I DON'T CARE. I am always understanding. I am always patient. I always suck it up. But this time I can't. I *need* you--and I don't care if someone else does too because I *NEVER* need you. Someone else always does.
I don't find myself to be self centered just because I think that me getting surgery that is going to leave me in pain and vomitting---and wanting comforted---to be more important than work for one night.
What the hell is she going to do? FIRE HIM? Good! He hates the job anyway. Heaven forbid he's actually an employee somewhere instead of property.
If he doesn't see me the day of my surgery---I don't know when he will see me again. He works Thursday. He works Friday. He works Saturday probably. He always has things that he has to do for his grandma and mom on Sunday's (which is fine). But then guess what? It's monday again. Repeat. Then it's our anniversary. Then it's fucking wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Ohhh--wait? Does someone else have something planned for Jeremy on Saturday?
It is not outside the realm of possibility that the whole two weeks will pass and I will not see him. If it was just the day of my surgery, I would be fine with that---I would take a little extra care the next day, or the next, or the weekend. But it won't be just that day. It will be *every* day and I am NOT ok with that. I think it's insane to assume that I would be. I can't help the way I feel. I can't help that it hurts me. I'm a person. I'm not perfect. I'm not made of stone, and I can't do this alone.
He said he'll ask tonight. Don't know why----when he knows what the answer is going to be. He says he'll call me tomorrow. Says he thinks he can see me this saturday. Says that if I want him to he'll be here Tuesday. He'll take me to the surgery on wednesday morning.
No. I don't want that. I don't want that because him coming up here only to leave, is just going to make him feel worse than I have apparently already made him feel. It will only make me feel worse. I'd much rather feel bad on my own. While he goes into his little world where this is not happening.
I hate feeling like this is somehow my fault. I hate feeling like a jerk for asking my boyfriend of 3yrs to be there for me. I hate feeling like a jerk because I need him.
This has been going on for 3yrs and I hate it. I hate having to do it. Sometimes I just keep thinking that eventually the bottom is going to fall out---it's going to become too much. Because things are never going to change. And that scares the hell out of me. It scares me that I love him so much, that he loves me so much, that we're so fucking perfect together---but that it might not work out because I don't know if I can do this forever. It is so fucking hard. I try not to break down, because I don't want to ruin the good thing that we have. So I just pretend that I'm fine. That it'll all be fine. But it isn't anymore.
And I don't know how to tell him that.
And if I do, what's he going to do? There is nothing to do.
So he can come up here on Saturday. We can go to a movie. We can go out and get drunk at the bar with some friends. We can just be normal---although in reality we can't be.
Really, I'm so pissed at myself because I can't promise that I won't hold this against him, even if I don't mean to. It hurts too much. I can't help that. All I want is for him to make it better because he could make it better. I am so sick of hearing "what do you want me to do?"
I want you to do something.
God, don't you love it when NOTHING is fucking ok, but you have to pretend that it is--- just so that someone else doesn't feel bad because you're feeling bad? And did that make any sense?
Alright, I am left feeling like a total jerk-face, and I shouldn't. Alright--little backround on my wonderful Jeremy. When something is bugging Jeremy--he pretends that it doesn't exist. He's really worried about me being sick, he's really worried about my surgery, he really wants to be there with me--- so of course he just pretends that it isn't happening. Because that's so much easier in the mind that is Jeremy. So....he doesn't ask to have off work.
Now he's playing the "what do you want me to do?" Card. "Do you want me to say that I can't work because you're getting surgery?" Yes. Yes that is exactly what I want you to do. Yes, I understand that it's your job. And I normally don't bitch. I didn't bitch when you had to work on Christmas. I didn't say anything when the plans I had made had to be canceled so you could cater (literally) to someone else's plans. I didn't say anything when you had to work on Valentines Day until 10pm. In fact, I cooked a nice dinner. Then 11:30 came around and you weren't there. Then 2:30am came around. Then you finally called me, as I am worried sick that you are fucking *dead*. You got into a fight with the psycho ex-boyfriend of the girl who works at the bar. You both went to the hospital. You almost went to jail. Our valentines day was ruined. Did I care? No. Shit happens. You're going to have to work on our anniversary. We don't know when we can go away for the weekend to New York City. The job that we though would be 3-4 days a week, set hours, has turned into every fucking day. I know there is no one else that can do it on Wednesday. I know that your 'boss' won't care about my surgery because she needs you to cook the hamburgers at the bar.
But you know what? I DON'T CARE. I am always understanding. I am always patient. I always suck it up. But this time I can't. I *need* you--and I don't care if someone else does too because I *NEVER* need you. Someone else always does.
I don't find myself to be self centered just because I think that me getting surgery that is going to leave me in pain and vomitting---and wanting comforted---to be more important than work for one night.
What the hell is she going to do? FIRE HIM? Good! He hates the job anyway. Heaven forbid he's actually an employee somewhere instead of property.
If he doesn't see me the day of my surgery---I don't know when he will see me again. He works Thursday. He works Friday. He works Saturday probably. He always has things that he has to do for his grandma and mom on Sunday's (which is fine). But then guess what? It's monday again. Repeat. Then it's our anniversary. Then it's fucking wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Ohhh--wait? Does someone else have something planned for Jeremy on Saturday?
It is not outside the realm of possibility that the whole two weeks will pass and I will not see him. If it was just the day of my surgery, I would be fine with that---I would take a little extra care the next day, or the next, or the weekend. But it won't be just that day. It will be *every* day and I am NOT ok with that. I think it's insane to assume that I would be. I can't help the way I feel. I can't help that it hurts me. I'm a person. I'm not perfect. I'm not made of stone, and I can't do this alone.
He said he'll ask tonight. Don't know why----when he knows what the answer is going to be. He says he'll call me tomorrow. Says he thinks he can see me this saturday. Says that if I want him to he'll be here Tuesday. He'll take me to the surgery on wednesday morning.
No. I don't want that. I don't want that because him coming up here only to leave, is just going to make him feel worse than I have apparently already made him feel. It will only make me feel worse. I'd much rather feel bad on my own. While he goes into his little world where this is not happening.
I hate feeling like this is somehow my fault. I hate feeling like a jerk for asking my boyfriend of 3yrs to be there for me. I hate feeling like a jerk because I need him.
This has been going on for 3yrs and I hate it. I hate having to do it. Sometimes I just keep thinking that eventually the bottom is going to fall out---it's going to become too much. Because things are never going to change. And that scares the hell out of me. It scares me that I love him so much, that he loves me so much, that we're so fucking perfect together---but that it might not work out because I don't know if I can do this forever. It is so fucking hard. I try not to break down, because I don't want to ruin the good thing that we have. So I just pretend that I'm fine. That it'll all be fine. But it isn't anymore.
And I don't know how to tell him that.
And if I do, what's he going to do? There is nothing to do.
So he can come up here on Saturday. We can go to a movie. We can go out and get drunk at the bar with some friends. We can just be normal---although in reality we can't be.
Really, I'm so pissed at myself because I can't promise that I won't hold this against him, even if I don't mean to. It hurts too much. I can't help that. All I want is for him to make it better because he could make it better. I am so sick of hearing "what do you want me to do?"
I want you to do something.