i'm weak...
so this is how it goes, i hung out with andrew last night...i mean everything was chill. he is hella mad at that kid josh for being a jack ass, but he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not. i just don't want to play any more games. but i told him i loved him, and that i want to be with him, but i won't keep going back and forth we are either together or we aren't. and that's it. i don't want to start in again where we are together and happy and everything is cool until he finds someone else to date. screw this shit. i don't know what to do about everything. because i don't want to get sucked into everything again, and end up hurt. i wanted to tell him no, but i couldn't...i kissed him. i know i shouldn't have and i know all of my friends are going to kill me when they find out, but i don't know what to do. i will not keep playing games. i need stability and i want a real relationship. less sex and more just hanging out. because i was falling in love with him, and it killed me for him to say shit like that. he told me last night how happy i make him, and how much he loves me, and that he doesn't want for our relationship to be just sex, but i don't really know what to do. because i love the kid to death...i mean damn...i just worry about how everything is going to work out. i am sick of being dumb and getting wrapped up in a situation that i know isn't going to go anywhere, and i'm just going to get my heart ripped out in the end. shit...i mean i don't know what to do. i was so sure i was done, but it feels so good to be with someone...to have them there for you, to hold your hand, kiss you and tell you he loves you. that's all i want. but i need more than that, i need comfort, love, a relationship, and someone who isn't going to change his mind in a few weeks. i am so tired of it. ugh. god i wish it was easier. i mean i want to date other people, and i want to experience more...but i also want to be with him, and have what we have. i mean we understand each other so damn well, and most of the time we know each other better than we know ourselves. i just don't want to be settling. i want to know that he is going to treat me how i deserve, and i want for him to love me for who i am--unconditionally. and that's it. i don't know i think we need to talk...the shitty part is that i left it up to him again, and i gave him teh power...i know i shouldn't have, but i know what i want, i just want him to figure out what he wants. because i am sick of all the games, and i am sick of all the pain. because i am fine with being just his friend, i know i want more, but i am ok with this. i just want to know what is going on because then i can move the heck on and that is what i ultimately need. an answer so i can decide what i want to do with it. but yeah that is about it. i am going to go so i can start on my homework. love and all that jazz. bye bye for now. peace.