Lost
I used to be on the top of my game. I used to know what i was doing. Now im just so lost. Ive made one compulsive decision after another not thinking things through or thinking about the consequences. I try so hard to impress everyone but all im doing is making a fool of myself. I know i want to get married and i want to do it in december, but sometimes i feel like im doing it for the wrong reason. I love monique and i know i want to spend my life with her but i feel im jist getting married for her. So her life would be easier. No i dont feel like that. I know things would be easier if we are married before i go into the military i just dont want a huge wedding. If everyone just showed up to the church in jeans ans tshirts thayd be fine with me. I just want to be married and leave. I look forward to getting to do that. I look forward to the day where its just monique and i and not her friends or her parents or my parents or friends and its jist us. I feel like thats when things will be great. Theres so much thats expected of me. I feel like ill fall short on something i jist dont know what it is yet. I wish i could talk to monique about this but i dont think shed understand. Its tough to sort out what i want to do. I really want to do the air force, but thatd be just a job. So many people would be disappointed in me for joining the army but im so afraid of my rediculous student loans. Having all that paid would be such a relief for me and it really sucks that the air force doesnt offer that amount! The army would have all my stuff paid for hopefully and hopefully id get in asan officer buti think id be miserable. I may not be. I know im only doing this for moniques parents but i just dont want to not be able to provide for her. The air force wouldnt offer me that much money to help pay for loans and to live and support my wife. Ah this sucks. I dont know what to do. Ha now moniques mad at me and thinks im being a jerk.
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