Clearly I remember, picking on the boy- seemed a harmless little fuck...

[kornchicka]

Sometimes I feel like my feelings are all one sided. Like maybe my feelings for him are stronger than his for me. Sometimes I think this isn't even bothering him at all. Is this eating him up inside the way it is with me?? Is this affecting everything he does?? Maybe. Or maybe he's just better at hiding things than I am. Maybe he's learned how to push things into the back of his mind and go on with his everyday life somewhat normally. Maybe. Wish I could do that. It's fucking ripping me apart inside. It's all I think about, I can't sleep at night. I need to be with him, I need to know what these feelings really are. I... fuck, I hate to say this but I wish I didn't know, I wish he hadn't said those things. I was fine when it was a little crush, when I thought it was only me that felt it. Fuck.
Back to being depressed it looks like. I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't wanna hurt anymore, fuck. I would drop it all for him, just to be with him even once. I can't say that I love him, but these feelings are beyond "like". I don't know what to fucking do anymore. He was the one I always talked to about shit like this... who the fuck do I talk to now??? What am I gonna do???