♥ミ.o82 ↘ 将さん、お誕生日 おめでとう！ღ
将さん、いいえ。 将さま、お誕生日 おめでとう！ ほんとう おめでとう。 今、将さまは 二十九歳ですね。 将さまは お年寄り人ですか。 笑、じょうだんですよ。 あのう、将さまが とても大好き。 だから、おめでとう。 がんばってね。 将さまは とてもやさしいでしょう。 そして、とてもおもしろい。 笑。 よろしく おねがいします、ね。 とにかく、将さまの こえは ほんとう きれいですよ。 将さまの こえは ちゅういする。 きやくにやますね。 だから… 私も うれしいですよ。 将さまも うれしいですか。 そして、アメバの ピッグは 将さまが 見たいよ。 も、将さまと はなしたい。 がんばってね！ がんばります。 近いうちにお会いしたいと思いますね。 がんばって～！ じゃあね。 敬具、私。
Shou gif from: jimaka
Okay... so here's the deal. I've really thought things over. My last post regarding Christine has really made me think about some things and think about myself. Obviously my public self was much too harsh for others to deal with. So I'm going to change that, especially since it's senior year. I'm through with the drama and the fighting. I know drama's always on my back, as that's who I am. But I will make conscious effort to keep it on my back.
Conscerning the Christine situation, Christine has given me a vocal second chance. A real one since the many others she gave me were not open, so I honestly did not know and/or realize them. But here's something I've realized. In the exact same sense, I am giving Christine a second chance too. I am giving her a second chance to not hurt me the way she hurt me before. Obviously how our friendship came to this standstill was not only my fault. A friendship is between two people, much like a relationship. But with a friendship, you REALLY have to work together with another person to make it work; it's something worth fighting for. And this is where I make my clean slate.
Yes, I will continue ranting. That's something I know will never change, because I need an outlet. Whether it's to the world of my online friends or to my real life friends, I will need an outlet. I cannot be expected to keep everything pent up and put a smile on my face just because the world wills it so. I am too stubborn and too strong-minded to do such a thing; so I will not. I honestly don't believe that the world is deserving of me to put on a smiling face for it even in the midst of my problems. If the world does not treat me with regard, should I do the same as well? I don't think so. The world can honestly suck it. With Christine, we're giving each other space. But I have Natalie, who is fortunately taking me in as she always has. I will work hard to keep my friendship with Christine in-tact because obviously I've put in too much effort, and even Christine. For now, it seems that I'll be putting in more effort than she, but it's all right if I find it to be worth it. It seems a waste to throw away everything we've worked for from freshman year up till now. So I'm going to keep that because it's probably one of the friendships most full of effort. And I think that to worry over something like this, to want to put so much effort in... it means that the friendship is worth keeping and will be cherished. If friendship and even love were so effortless, it wouldn't be special anymore. I would rather have a friendship full of tribulations and problems than an effortless one, because one without effort means nothing and anyone could have it. But to overcome all those problems and all those things, it means that there's something worth it in the friendship.
Anyway, moving on to what I want to say... the clean slate. I am giving everyone a second chance to retain my friendship. This will be the last chance they get. Becaues I am making conscious effort to change myself to be a better person, others should too. With Christine, yes, I have things to make up for. She does, too. But she's still realizing what she's doing wrong; learning how to fix it. That's a different story. The people who need to work on themselves to retain my friendship know who they are. And I hope that they will realize that it is worth it. If they feel that they don't value my friendship, I'll feel sad, but I don't value theirs either then. This is a last chance for everyone to stay on my good side. Whatever bad you have done to me and I to you, I am erasing it now for both of us to have a clean restart.
My good opinion once lost is lost forever. And there is one person who has already lost it. I won't name his/her name, but I will never see them in the same light ever again. I respected them so much, with all my heart, and they failed me. Now my opinion of them is smeared forever and now I feel like everytime I feel them I can only feel disgusted. The reason why this person has lost my good faith in them is because I honestly believed them to be better than the rest. To honestly be a good person, to not be easily swayed by the words of others; to have their own brain. Obviously I was wrong. I don't blame this person, but I will never treasure them again. Yes, I will put up a front so no one will ever know who this person is, except those in my personal confidences, but I will never respect them. They are not deserving of my respect anymore. I find that no one is truly fully deserving of my respect except for my one closest friend, Megan (jbangel831). Throughout our whole friendship, it has been so difficult. We've fought many times but every time we did she accepted my undeserving apologizes with open arms. She never abandoned me or thought any less of me. Even when we weren't fully open and didn't fully trust each other, we were able to overcome that. I feel that everything we've been through has been worth it. She sees and knows every side of me, good and bad, and loves all of it. She is the one most deserving person of my utmost sincere love and respect. Even time and distance cannot breach our friendship. And on top of that, she is willing to fight for our friendship just as much as I am. Yes, she is more passive than I am, but she is passionate. I'm even willing to say that I am not fully deserving of her. Which is why she is the one person I will always love and respect effortlessly; because we've overcome all the tribulations and problems and calamities that have hit us. She always understands, always knows, and even when she does not, she always cares.
I have been naive for so long. I honestly thought I was not soft-hearted, believed that I was colder than that. But I am not. And so I've realized that it is time for me to truly grow up. I cannot stay like this forever; the real world is cruel and cold, and I thought that I fit with that. But I do not. I would rather be one filled with hatred and anger, but able to eat the dogs alive and survive, than one to be happy and jaded, and die the instant I am put in. I am not weak enough to be like that; and I never will be. But I have realized how weak I truly am. I refuse to be weak. And so this is where I've decided. There is no more time to play with fake friends and no more time to plot the destruction of others. I need to save that for the dogs. I've been so stupid, thinking that people could change themselves without my telling them. Yes, I too had expectations of that. I am not going to play these childish games anymore. I was always so concerned with the in-between shades of gray, but not anymore. It's black or white now. Either you are deserving of me or you are not. There is no you are kind of, or maybe. That's all in the past. I'm growing up, and everyone else should too. Of all my current friends, there are a very slight few that I can imagine will survive with those dogs. I will be one of them. Maybe you feel as though I'm giving up, so easily letting myself go of many friendships, but I am learning to change myself. I refuse to be the only one to gap the bridge. You meet in the middle; not one person takes over the whole thing. Maybe we need space, maybe we need to spend more time together. If you don't value our friendship, should I? Do you expect me to do all of the work by myself? Is it because you are unwilling to change? Because you believe that you are best the way you are?
Out of my naivety, I've let things slide for far too long. I've let people hurt me in unimaginable ways. I will not be hurt anymore. I will not play these games with anyone anymore. It's either all or nothing now. I am a good friend; an excellent friend at that. I genuinely care for my friends and geniunely love them. I care for their well-being. On top of that, I can be mean, but I am a good person. The question now is: are you deserving of me? Because I'm obviously making conscious effort to deserve you. Also, no one wants to have lost my good opinion on them. If that were the case, I'd be disappointed and they would be despicable. So it is very unfortunate that I've lost faith in that one person so far, but I know that he/she will never change. No matter what I say, they will always believe someone else. They will always be involved when they shouldn't be. They will never have their true, own opinion of me. I don't know what they can do to change that, but maybe somehow it'll work out. I doubt it, but it could. I have a bit of faith. But I'm not going to hold too strongly on that thin and already tearing thread. They may not even know that they've done it, but they've done it.
That person judges others before he/she judges himself. That's the problem I have with most of my friends. They pass their own judgment of me before they take a step back and look at themselves. Before you can fully accept your own flaws, do not go pointing out my own. If I find truth in what someone tells me, I accept it. I am very accepting of my flaws. If you cannot accept them, that's fine; but you should accept your own first before you tell me you cannot accept me. I do not like people easily swayed either. Form an opinion for yourself. Have a brain of your own. You are a person, too. The way you feel about a person should not be easily altered by the words of others. If my opinion of you is not easily altered by the words of others, don't you think I am deserving of that same respect? If you feel I am not, obviously I am wasting my time with you. And obviously you do not have my respect. It is simple as that.
Also, I dislike when other people get involved in things that are not their business. I understand having a person to tell your troubles to. But to a certain point, that's not acceptable. Yes, I tell people when I'm fighting with a friend. Especially people like Natalie. I tell her. But the difference between my telling her and you telling others is that Natalie has her own opinion of you already. The friends I talk to already know what they know of you, and my word changes nothing in the way they feel about you. It does not come to a surprise to them, and in the off chance that it does, they will merely listen to me and then forget it. They will not look at you differently. The friends I entrust with that are not jaded. However, I question who others tell their feelings to. People may not know, but I can feel when others are pass judgment on me for something. And I would like to tell them that they should mind their own business. If their opinion of me changes based on that, obviously they are easily swayed. Even if they do not say it, they do not have to. It's very simple; you are swayed or you are not. I find that those that cannot keep their own opinion of one and takes the opinion of others is simply not worth respecting. What others say should not change how you feel about a person. If you know a person to be kind and someone says they are not, will you believe that? Will you feel as though they are no longer kind? If you don't know their situation and judge based upon the superficial of the situation, can you still judge them? Can you still change your opinion of them when personally, you know nothing? I don't understand how people can be so blinded, but since we are imperfect, I understand to a certain point. And because I cannot respect that kind of thinking, those are the types of people I want to cut off from. Should I really put effort into being friends with you when your opinion of me so easily changes? When I've done nothing to you, but yet you feel I am in the wrong out of someone else's words? I would not do that to you. So I ask you do not do it to me. If you cannot stop that, then maybe it is best we cut off ties. I don't want people who I trust to misjudge me and think differently of me through the words of others, whether it be good or bad. Form your own opinion of me from what I show you. If you can't give me the same benefit of the doubt and same respect, how can you expcet me to do the same for you? Can you really ask me something like that? I think we know the answer to that, don't we? Take a step back and think of yourself, because I've done enough contemplating on who I am as a person.
Anyway, I think I'll end here. After thinking so much, I sure am tired. But I hope you guys will understand this. Also, I guess even though I mentioned a person in specific, it's more or less a general way of thinking. Please do not get offended by this, as that is not my intention at all. It's really more of a plan for myself; kind of like a pact with myself that I'm letting others see and know and hopefully understand. I guess... this is like my 09-10 school year resolution. And hopefully I'll be able to follow it through all the way until the end. I'm glad that I'm working things out with Christine. Our conversation was a huge breakthrough for everyone. I hope that it'll help with the success of me & Christine's friendship, and I'm glad we didn't just end it. In the end, it really comes down to how much you want things to work. Maybe Christine and I will see less of each other (I actually kind of doubt that), but I think things'll stay the same. I don't know why, but everytime I talk to her it just feels normal. Even if maybe we've grown apart or come closer, it always feels that way. And I think that's a good thing, too. Anyway, so that's how it's going to be then. Sorry for having this huge essay or whatever, but maybe it made you think about yourself too. I think that through this experience, I'm glad that I've gone through all these rough patches with Christine. I'm even glad we came to the point where we almost stopped being friends. If it wasn't like that, then we wouldn't have realized how truly important the friendship is. I wouldn't have grown up, Christine wouldn't have realized her faults, and nothing would have changed. Wing said once that it might not be the same again, and no it won't be. Instead, it'll be better this time around. I'm sure of it. After talking to Christine for a bit through text messages, I've really realized a lot about myself and about our friendship. I think we came to a good and open understanding, and I hope that it will be like that with all of my friendships, not only the few that are already like that. And I hope that when I deign to tell others constructive criticsm, they'll listen to me openly without offense, as I would do the same for them. So anyway... again thanks a ton for listening to me ramble. It's my first public post in a long time. I hope my thoughts and words carry out a long way. Ja mata, ne? (See you again, huh?) Otsukuresama deshita~ It's been fun and dramatic; let's try to keep it up. Ganbatte! Fighting! (:
Anyway... Hey guyz. I need some help. So I was thinking that as a nice gift... everyone could pitch in at least $1 so I can get a new username. XD LOL. One of my flist suggested I do that for birthday or Christmas, and told me she'd be willing to help out. (Although I don't know if she still has time to do so anymore.) But yeah... so it's between 2 users (I've already created them so no one can take them just in case) - starxdrops and sandofstars. I think I'm more leaning towards starxdrops, but I don't know. (stardrops was already taken. Wtf.) Both usernames are from alice nine.'s "Gekkou Yoku (Moonlight Bath)" song, and so I was inspired haha. I wanted something like mappinyan, but I realized most people would read it as "mappin yan". So that kind of failed. And then I was thinking of maoppi/maopi as in Mappi+Mao, but I'm not Mao. And I wanted something that wasn't really a noun like Natalie's user, more like Sabrina's user. And so I was looking at SID's "Garden of Ruin", "Circus", "Milk", and "Hanabira" songs for ideas. But the most I could come up with was "sugarromance" but it looked weird. So I was like wtf. I wanted something for my SID fandom since I already have "shoulita", but I guess that ain't happening. MAO! WRITE SONGS THAT I CAN MAKE USERNAMES OUT OF. LOL. So anyway... I'd put in a poll but I have to do this rich text style cuz LJ keeps screwing up. What're your ideas? Since I can't make a poll, just comment and tell me which one you think I should change xxkrissykoo too. I kind of don't want to let go of this username since I've had it since 2004/2005, but... I WANT SOMETHING COOL AND FANDOM. LOLOLOL. CUZ IT'S SEXY LIKE THAT.
And just saying right now, even though this post is supposed to be about Shou and my whole serious bit... Mao-san, I hope that you will feel better soon. Your posts make me kind of sad. I know these thoughts may never reach you, but I hope one day I will meet you and will be able to. Whether I randomly see you on Pigg, or in real life. Please be safe and take care of yourself! You have millions of fans that love you. So please don't write such sad posts. ; ; They make me sad too. 'Kay? Ganbarimasu, ne!
Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN ADVANCE TO: photograficnerd and crescendo_6_9! (: I hope you guys have an awesome birthday and Reanna, sorry if my letter comes late. D:
Any of you want to swap addresses? :D I know Reanna/crescendo_6_9 does that with her flist. ^^ Also, any of you have Ameba? (:
Anyway Shou... you are a sexy sexy man with a very sexy sexy voice. And I even made you a public post. Stay sexy and make sure to take care of yourself~! (: Good luck with Hana & alice nine.'s next full album. I'll be waiting for you in your Pigg room! ;D I hope I'll get to talk to you and see you there. (I'm actually currently waiting to get into your room... haha.) Yes. So stay healthy, all right? I hope these thoughts reach you soon, and I think they will if my mom gives me internet at home and I can stay up all day and night waiting for you in your room. LOL. (That sounds so sexy. Cuz it is.) But you know, I may leave for a bit to harrass people and make candies. LOLOLOL. K. Also I apologize to you that I now must change my intro post of my LJ to Mao's birthday. It has now hit your birthday and well... since I did it to Hannie, it's only fair I do it to you, too. But it's okay~ once Mao's birthday passes it will return to Hangeng's and then back to yours in a never-ending cycle. Isn't that fun? XD Anyway, Shouuuu-baby: Ganbatte, ne!
K guyz. This was really a serious post. For realz. But um... yeah. Haha. I spent a lot of time thinking over and writing it. So I hope you guys will give me the time of day to read it too. Ganbatte. Fighting~ everyone. I hope that if this post changes your mind about me, it will do so in a better light. Fighting~~!
P.S. To friends that don't have an LJ account reading this, you can still comment anonymously (though you can tell me who you are) and give me your insights on this because it is a public post.