Harry Potter is guilty of tax evasion…
Among a plethora of charges stemming from overseas transactions illegal under strict trade laws, and the violation of child labor laws (Guess where he gets all those fancy clothes? Certainly not an Eddie Bauer catalogue.), Harry Potter is one of the most despicable figures of the modern era. I swear, how can anyone tolerate this fucking loser? I know if I ever saw him walking around my hood, I’d kick his knee caps in. He’s totally defenseless in the real world (no magic powers, or friends), and I doubt he’d be the star Quidditch player he is at the school for witchcraft. His androgynous appearance is more than enough to warrant the constant teasing and verbal deprecation of his peers. He thinks he’s so cool because he’s got a tattoo on his forehead…like I give a fuck. Whoever did the ink job was going for some stupid avant-garde style, but it looks more like one of those accidents from summer camp that you blamed on a mountain lion -- when in actuality, you fell off the top bunk and planted your face on the piss bucket your fat friend used for his irritable bowel.
What types of government subsidies does Hogwarts get? How much are they taking out of our tax money to pay for this bullshit? I don’t want to contribute to this educational travesty, and neither should you. Do any parents of these children even know their kids are there? I’m curious because Michael Jackson is automatically accused of kidnapping anytime a kid shows up at his house, but these people at Hogwarts -- who take the kids away for months at a time -- arouse no suspicion whatsoever. That’s what’s wrong with America’s legal system; justice isn’t served across the board. It’s like eating at Hometown Buffet and finally getting to the Salisbury steak booth only to see the last piece taken before your very eyes. People want the truth, they want Salisbury steak -- but all they get is hashed beef. FUCK THAT!
We have to protest this school and it’s cookie cutter elitist students. Once I find out where in the hell Hogwarts is, I’m leading a backpack expedition so we can end this once and for all. Here’s what I need: A non-conventional security expert (preferably one that has dealt with magic), a demolitionist, and 10 soldiers of fortune with access to high powered munitions. If anyone is interested in coming along, perhaps videotaping or cooking for us on the road, you are more than welcome to be of aid.
This is a lesson for those kids that called me a “muggle” back in high school. I don’t even know what that means, but it offends me to no end. Do these people, these “sorcerers,” even now what the fuck they are talking about -- or are they just making up words to make us steak -n-potatoes eating folk feel like crap? Just because you have “magic” skills doesn’t mean you can stop a rocket launcher aimed point blank at your head. Dodge that you tally whacking fucks. Let it be known, Hogwarts will no longer stand when I’m through vanquishing it’s evil presence from our bookshelves, videogames, and movie theatres. La rasa por vida!!!
JUSTICE WILL BE SUUURVED!
UPDATE: I just found out that Hogwarts is in Scotland. Even though it’s outside of American jurisdiction, that doesn’t mean I still won’t blow it shit. Our government does that all the time, so it’s no big deal.