Can’t we all just get along?…
Of course not. Life is meaningless without conflict. You either start fighting, or you start dying. That is why I resumed the carnage of Last LJ Friend Survivor: Part 2. By the end of this post, one of you will no longer be with us. Once again, all LJ Reality Show expulsions are arbitrary and have nothing to do with the fact that I hate your fucking guts or think you have a shitty journal. KTHXBYE!
Last night Yasser Arafat passed away, but for real this time. The media is going to make a big deal about how sad this is for the Palestinian people, even though it really isn’t. I’m glad Bill Clinton (the man who single handedly brought back the fellatio craze of the late 70s) had the courage to say how much Arafat impeded the peace process because of his indecisiveness. We’ve also got our favorite UN Secretary General, Kofi Annan, kissing Arafat’s dead ass -- he’s probably accustomed to the taste by now after Lord Bush won the election. As of right now, I’m about 95-96% certain that someone had Arafat killed. There are enough traceless poisons out there to make it almost a certainty that he just didn’t kill over like most old people do. Brain hemorrhage? Kidney failure? Delirium? That’s either poison or gonorrhea -- the choice is yours. I think the sad thing is that he didn’t die on his home soil (Palestine never had a statehood). Perhaps his death is poetic in the sense that he viewed himself as a warrior, and after a warrior leader dies on foreign soil his body returns to the homeland (literally and metaphorically). Which reminds me…
I just made some Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and noticed it’s the same bullshit meatball mixture they serve at Subway. What the fuck? Taco Bell, Subway, Chef Boyardee? Who is next…Chick-Fil-A? Fuck this soy bean generation, I’m leaving America for Cuba…where the food is REAL!!! And people aren’t fat…because the government starves them. I don’t care if I’m only allowed two rolls of toilet paper a month. That is of no consequence to me, you’d be surprised what they teach you about pine leaves in wilderness survival training. Speaking of survival…
Why can’t we make movies about people having a good time and enjoying life? We (the audience) are always drawn towards sympathizing for characters who have really fucked up lives and need to maneuver through fucked up situations. Wouldn’t it be awesome to empathize with people just having fun and experiencing things? Like, in Spiderman where Peter Parker first learns to shoot that web stuff out of his hands…you actually feel like you’re there with him experiencing his gifts for the first time. Well, they aren’t actually gifts, he’s a fucking freak because he got bit by a mutated spider, but still.
So, you ask what made me reevaluate cinema so much. Truthfully, it was the movie SAW. Why does the killer have to kill people? Why can’t he just chill the fuck out? People confuse me sometimes. Here is a mini-review of the movie…beware of spoilers! I do mention the ending, but you probably guessed could have it by now if you’ve ever written a movie script while high on crystal meth.
Spoiler ALERT!
Still here? Okay, follow me…SAW is not anywhere near the level of goriness I had hoped for over the past several months. The movie itself was pretty lame, mostly because the director was being stupid. I was only freaked out by one part -- when Cary Elwes sawed his foot off. HAHAHAHA! I thought it was pretty fucking funny though. I mean, I can’t take Cary Elwes seriously after Robin Hood Men in Tights. It’s like every word he says has some hilarious double meaning. Danny Glover saved this movie, even though he died like a poon. If I were Danny Glover, I would have kicked the killer in the nuts and shot him in the face. But, things didn’t work out quite like that -- not even close. The twist ending would have been cool if the dead motherfucker on the floor didn’t turn out to be the killer. LAME!!! It’s like the screenwriter expected me to believe the killer stayed completely still for eight hours, and didn’t even have to use the restroom once. I don’t get it. I can’t go 30 minutes without taking a whiz, much less 8 WHOLE FUCKING HOURS! Crazy stuff.
End Spoiler ALERT!
I give this movie: 3 ½ Cheese Sticks…out of 10 Cheese Sticks.
I’ve been attempting to write scripts for awhile, but I don’t have the focus to keep up with them. I’m thinking of just adding all my best ideas together, then juxtaposing ideas like Kubrick, and give some sort of continuity of main idea (kind of like what I did with this post). The longest I’ve ever spent writing was an entire week on The Passion Of Christ 2: The Second Coming. It’s got one of the most awesome opening sequences ever. I’m talking fucking armageddon type shit that Michael Bay would soil his pants to direct. Lots of ass and spit, dead bodies and space aliens, and 6 plot twists that M. Night Shyamalan wishes he could steal from me. All in the first two minutes! Fuck yes!!! I can almost taste the Snapple endorsements. Mmmmm…What-A-Melon.