Magic
I am extremely fanatically jealous of Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley...hell, I'm even jealous of Neville Longbottom. It's not fair that they get the ability to do magic and I don't. Actually, it's more than just not fair. It's some serious fucking bullshit.
Imagine all of the stuff I could do with magic powers. (Notice I didn't say 'imagine all of the stuff YOU could do with magic powers.' I don't give a shit about you.) I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I would never use these powers for the good of mankind. Ever. No, my magic would be used solely for my convenience, amusement, and revenge. Let me illustrate.
CONVENIENCE
I will be the first to admit that if I had the ability to move stuff (Accio peanut butter sandwich!) I would become the world's biggest, laziest fatass. Except for maybe Oprah. But it'd be close. No, no WAIT. I could zap the fat right off of me. Ohh shit... My plan is fucking flawless. And I'd never have to pay money for anything cuz I'd just wear my invisibility cloak into stores and walk out with food, clothes, or small children. Hell, I could even steal large children if I conjured up a gun.
AMUSEMENT
I'd probably get bored just sitting around eating and zapping fat, so I'd have to do something to entertain myself. Like causing random people to trip and then laughing hysterically. Or make someone punch someone else and watch the fun that ensues afterwards. Shit goddamn, my life would be so wonderful.
REVENGE
Instead of just bitching and moaning about everyone that I hate, I would actually do something constructive with my time, like have a giant ACME anvil fall directly on their head. Or make them drink some truth serum and say really embarrasing shit. Or burn their house down while their family sleeps inside. Hahaha, it's all so funny.
So, if you're looking for any last minute Valentines Day, Groundhog Day, or St. Patrick's Day gifts for me, magical powers would be just fabulous. If I don't get magic powers, I'm gonna...well, I'll probably just bitch and moan because I can't do anything else without some sweet sweet powers.
Imagine all of the stuff I could do with magic powers. (Notice I didn't say 'imagine all of the stuff YOU could do with magic powers.' I don't give a shit about you.) I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I would never use these powers for the good of mankind. Ever. No, my magic would be used solely for my convenience, amusement, and revenge. Let me illustrate.
CONVENIENCE
I will be the first to admit that if I had the ability to move stuff (Accio peanut butter sandwich!) I would become the world's biggest, laziest fatass. Except for maybe Oprah. But it'd be close. No, no WAIT. I could zap the fat right off of me. Ohh shit... My plan is fucking flawless. And I'd never have to pay money for anything cuz I'd just wear my invisibility cloak into stores and walk out with food, clothes, or small children. Hell, I could even steal large children if I conjured up a gun.
AMUSEMENT
I'd probably get bored just sitting around eating and zapping fat, so I'd have to do something to entertain myself. Like causing random people to trip and then laughing hysterically. Or make someone punch someone else and watch the fun that ensues afterwards. Shit goddamn, my life would be so wonderful.
REVENGE
Instead of just bitching and moaning about everyone that I hate, I would actually do something constructive with my time, like have a giant ACME anvil fall directly on their head. Or make them drink some truth serum and say really embarrasing shit. Or burn their house down while their family sleeps inside. Hahaha, it's all so funny.
So, if you're looking for any last minute Valentines Day, Groundhog Day, or St. Patrick's Day gifts for me, magical powers would be just fabulous. If I don't get magic powers, I'm gonna...well, I'll probably just bitch and moan because I can't do anything else without some sweet sweet powers.