Sex Robots
To begin this amazing post, I give my acknowledgements to my partner in the Sex Robots© industry, Ryan Robert Musil the First. Without him, Sex Robots would be nothing.
Are you sexually frustrated? Do you find yourself masturbating two, even three times a day to keep up with your massively charged libido? Is your partner not satisfying you? Do you like the idea of having sex with an inanimate object? Then we have the solution for you.
Introducing...Sex Robots©!! Sex Robots are the latest (and first) innovation of JM Laboratories. Purely mechanical, the Sex Robots© serve only one real purpose--to satisfy you, their owner. However, these robots are not typical robots. A hard metal shell will not be found here. Using the skin of dead people (mostly old lady tits), we have created a replica of a human being in feel and appearance. This is not your grandmother's robot (though it might be her skin).
These robots are specially programmed by you to fullfill all of your sexual needs. I won't go into details, because you all know of your own sick fetishes. And aren't you lucky? No more searching for a soulmate who also enjoys having sex with polar bears. And, unlike humans, Sex Robots© require no foreplay, small talk, or alcohol to be turned on.
And just how can these robots know how to fullfill my every desire, you may ask. Who the hell cares? Leave that shit up to the programmers, you just focus on your climax. Buy yourself a Sex Robot© today, and worry about your partner's jealousy tomorrow.
So that's what the ad would look like, but let me give you some insider knowledge about these amazing Sex Robots©.
First of all, they would be hella expensive. At least 100 grand. Even more if you're ugly because while we believe in the humane treatment of all robots, every man has his price. Fuck you, don't bitch that you can't afford it, this is a fucking Sex Robot© we're talking about. Can you really put a price on the best sex of your life for the rest of your life? I think not.
Second of all, these robots are completely monogamous. That means, assholes, that you can't buy a robot, then re-sell it on e-bay without our knowledge. Because our robots don't play that way, homie. No no, our robots will be programmed to return to the factory after you die so that we, and only we, can re-sell it and make a double profit.
Third, this invention would make us fucking millionares. You may be wondering what that has to do with insider knowledge about the robots. And the answer, my friends, is everything. Why the hell would we invent the Sex Robots© otherwise?? It's obviously not because we care about the sexual well-being of people around the world, because I think we've both shown our complete lack of care for anyone besides ourselves on more than one occasion. No, it is all about the money. More specifically, your money and it being in our hands. Yeah, say what you will now about the Sex Robots© and how you'd never squander your hard-earned money on something like that, but it's all bullshit and you know it. You're dying for one of these. You just have to wait it out until your pride finally breaks down and allows you to pay us lots and lots of sweet cash so that you can finally be sexually relieved. We'll see you in like 10 years, muchacho.
Questions or comments about our Sex Robots©?? Please, let us know. Feedback is important to us, but not that important cuz we're still gonna be rich in a few years time and the only thing we'll have to worry about is how much toilet paper is left in the 7th bathroom of our mansion.