Second verse, same as the first
As a preface/warning: I'm frustrated beyond measure lately, and keeping a shaky grip on my nerves most of the time, so I'm not exactly coming at this with the best, most clear-headed perspective here. I'm aware I have no real reason to complain about a damn thing... which just makes it worse, really, but whatever.
I'm encountering, for perhaps the first time in my life (or at least a very long time) the dilemma of wanting to be social, with a really shitty pool of candidates to choose from. It doesn't help that I'm not only asexual and thus uninterested in flirting and all the associated relationship-talk that seems to happen, but I'm also unable to understand what motivates people most of the time. I have trouble reading them, because of a deficiency that only goes as deep as my inability to pay attention.
Never in my life have I felt so stupid, useless, and inexperienced. I've been failing at everything lately, across the board. Work, education, physical fitness - everything is tanking, and tanking pretty damn hard. It's been happening for some time, but I only noticed it within these last couple of months, and since that realization it's been a struggle to shore up what's left of my battered self-confidence and keep going, rather than just lay there lamenting and eating ice cream.
So on top of that, I've only had it rubbed in my face that I am devalued. I realize I've only been here 6 months, and everybody around here has known each other for years, sometimes decades, and that my position is still that of the newbie here (in multiple ways). Is that why no one talks to me? I've been told that that's just how most of them are... but... there's still that lingering doubt. Am I not interesting enough? Is it because I hang out with Juu too much? I don't know if it'd be worse to be forgotten about because I'm asexual and won't put out ever, or because I'm not interesting enough IRL. Both hurt.
I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could stop being weak and needing anything. I don't need this. I just... want it.
It feels so fucking juvenile. I'm whining because I think no one likes me.
I thought I grew up more than this.
(No, what's worst: I think I don't deserve a damned thing because I'm pretty sure I'm failing. No one wants to hang out with someone who's failing and not interesting and 22 years old.)
Lately I've been checking myself by wondering, "What would IDW Megatron do?" because I want to be badass and that's really the only way I know how. Imitating.
Fuck, I really am that pathetic.
At least I feel better getting it all out, I guess.
I'm encountering, for perhaps the first time in my life (or at least a very long time) the dilemma of wanting to be social, with a really shitty pool of candidates to choose from. It doesn't help that I'm not only asexual and thus uninterested in flirting and all the associated relationship-talk that seems to happen, but I'm also unable to understand what motivates people most of the time. I have trouble reading them, because of a deficiency that only goes as deep as my inability to pay attention.
Never in my life have I felt so stupid, useless, and inexperienced. I've been failing at everything lately, across the board. Work, education, physical fitness - everything is tanking, and tanking pretty damn hard. It's been happening for some time, but I only noticed it within these last couple of months, and since that realization it's been a struggle to shore up what's left of my battered self-confidence and keep going, rather than just lay there lamenting and eating ice cream.
So on top of that, I've only had it rubbed in my face that I am devalued. I realize I've only been here 6 months, and everybody around here has known each other for years, sometimes decades, and that my position is still that of the newbie here (in multiple ways). Is that why no one talks to me? I've been told that that's just how most of them are... but... there's still that lingering doubt. Am I not interesting enough? Is it because I hang out with Juu too much? I don't know if it'd be worse to be forgotten about because I'm asexual and won't put out ever, or because I'm not interesting enough IRL. Both hurt.
I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could stop being weak and needing anything. I don't need this. I just... want it.
It feels so fucking juvenile. I'm whining because I think no one likes me.
I thought I grew up more than this.
(No, what's worst: I think I don't deserve a damned thing because I'm pretty sure I'm failing. No one wants to hang out with someone who's failing and not interesting and 22 years old.)
Lately I've been checking myself by wondering, "What would IDW Megatron do?" because I want to be badass and that's really the only way I know how. Imitating.
Fuck, I really am that pathetic.
At least I feel better getting it all out, I guess.