Loose ends
After meeting O on Saturday...we decided that we'd try to meet Monday between the end of my day and the beginning of his night shift. And we knew he had Wednesday off so we could also meet on Wednesday. I wasn't so surprised when he canceled on me on Monday. He called a few times in the afternoon and we discussed meeting up and what time. He said he'd be free around 20:00 or 21:00. He called at 20:00 and said he was too tired to meet up...he wanted to rest before his shift. I didn't fuss or complain...I took it in stride and hung up the phone. Shed a few tears and went to meet my girls for dinner. No harm done.
Last night and today was Tu B'Av. It's kinda like Valentine's Day for Jews. The holiday of love.
I turned my phone off for most of yesterday...too much Brazilian interference for me to focus on my work and my life...so I turned it off. I wasn't too worried about it...I have this cool service that sends a text message when you turn the phone back on with a list of who called and how many times they called.
I finished my work day and went home late...got home around 20:00...turned the phone on.
4983302483290482 calls from the Brazilian...and O called once at 17:30. I don't know about you guys...but if I call someone and it goes straight to voice mail as if the phone is turned off, I usually call back in a few minutes...perhaps they were dialing out when I was dialing in...there are lots of explanations for this. But he called once. Ok.
As far as he knows, I didn't really know he called.
But it was Tu B'Av...I wanted him to acknowledge it in some way.
I called him at 21:00...no answer. He always calls back or sends a text shortly after.
This time he didn't.
I called again at midnight.
Same.
I went to sleep.
All I thought about all day...was how O has pulled a disappearing act like the Brazilian was always so famous for. He disappeared. No word from him at all. It's the worst feeling in the world...to have someone disappear on you.
And then he called. 17:30 as usual.
He had just woken up...worked the night shift...forgot his phone at home...said he saw that I called twice.
"You disappeared," I said.
He said he was sorting out the rest of his evening...he may have to give some private lessons and he needed to run by his parents. I told him I'd be home around 19:00 as usual so he can just call me and let me know. I told him I need my key back though...regardless of his schedule...because I have a friend coming in for the weekend and I need to give it to her.
I go home. I do my grocery shopping. I clean my bathroom.
At 20:00, I call him and he says he'll call me right back.
21:00 he calls and says he's at his parents' house. Eating. Says he doesn't think he'll go out tonight.
"I'm not surprised," I said.
"Yeah...I had a lot of things planned," he said...or something along those lines but I didn't quite catch the Hebrew. "Mmmm...I think we need to just stay friends, and not like a couple."
"We weren't really a couple," I said.
"I thought of you like my girlfriend," he said.
"Do you really want to have this conversation on the phone?" I asked.
"Well I'm not sure when I'll see you."
"I still need to meet you and get my key...so I can come and get it from you or you can come here," I replied.
"I'm not at home though."
"I know...so call me when you're done."
"If it's late, I can leave it for you in your mailbox...do you really need it tonight?" he asked.
"I'm going to Jerusalem tomorrow and I need to give it to her."
Whatever. The truth is...I wanted the chance to see his face and have a normal conversation. I'd tried twice already to end it and he insisted on trying...and now he wants to just push it aside on the phone?
Dude...that's not how friends treat each other. If you wanted to be friends, you would have brought my key with you to wherever you were going because you knew you were going to try and meet me to give it back to me like I asked. If we were friends, you'd have the respect to see me and tell me to my face that you were done "trying" since you'd made me sit through the same conversation more than once.
Like really. Let's be grown-ups. Let me get my key. Let me tell you that I don't think this has anything to do with me...that I think you're just really busy with your life right now. Let me tell you that if, in a few weeks or months, you think about me and you see that you actually do have time to devote to getting to know me...let me tell you that it's ok to call me and try again. I might be around...I might not. But let me tell you that...because that way I'll feel like this parting is ok. Otherwise, I'm just kind of pissed off.
What I actually think...but I won't say to his face...is that he's a little bit depressed. He studied really hard to get an amazing education and a very useful degree. He knows a lot about a subject and he wishes he weren't stuck working in a crap hard labor job. He wishes he had the energy and the time to go after what he wants...but he's a bit scared of being a grown up. We all are. He masks this dull part of his life by smoking hash...and I have dated so many guys exactly like this. They've all been exactly where he is...and they all come out of it and find their way eventually. He will too.
And so will I. I was in that place once too...but I don't need to mask any dullness with pot anymore. I know exactly how it makes me feel and how it makes everything seem hopeless. Pot isn't necessarily an addictive drug...but the feeling of numbness one gets CAN be addictive. And so many people find themselves needing to be there...in the high...because the reality of growing up and being responsible and settling down is just too...terrifying for the moment. I know exactly how that feels. I remember it and I'm so glad that period of my life is over. It's so much easier to be scared and confused when you're NOT high...because it's so much more clear.
Next.
Last night and today was Tu B'Av. It's kinda like Valentine's Day for Jews. The holiday of love.
I turned my phone off for most of yesterday...too much Brazilian interference for me to focus on my work and my life...so I turned it off. I wasn't too worried about it...I have this cool service that sends a text message when you turn the phone back on with a list of who called and how many times they called.
I finished my work day and went home late...got home around 20:00...turned the phone on.
4983302483290482 calls from the Brazilian...and O called once at 17:30. I don't know about you guys...but if I call someone and it goes straight to voice mail as if the phone is turned off, I usually call back in a few minutes...perhaps they were dialing out when I was dialing in...there are lots of explanations for this. But he called once. Ok.
As far as he knows, I didn't really know he called.
But it was Tu B'Av...I wanted him to acknowledge it in some way.
I called him at 21:00...no answer. He always calls back or sends a text shortly after.
This time he didn't.
I called again at midnight.
Same.
I went to sleep.
All I thought about all day...was how O has pulled a disappearing act like the Brazilian was always so famous for. He disappeared. No word from him at all. It's the worst feeling in the world...to have someone disappear on you.
And then he called. 17:30 as usual.
He had just woken up...worked the night shift...forgot his phone at home...said he saw that I called twice.
"You disappeared," I said.
He said he was sorting out the rest of his evening...he may have to give some private lessons and he needed to run by his parents. I told him I'd be home around 19:00 as usual so he can just call me and let me know. I told him I need my key back though...regardless of his schedule...because I have a friend coming in for the weekend and I need to give it to her.
I go home. I do my grocery shopping. I clean my bathroom.
At 20:00, I call him and he says he'll call me right back.
21:00 he calls and says he's at his parents' house. Eating. Says he doesn't think he'll go out tonight.
"I'm not surprised," I said.
"Yeah...I had a lot of things planned," he said...or something along those lines but I didn't quite catch the Hebrew. "Mmmm...I think we need to just stay friends, and not like a couple."
"We weren't really a couple," I said.
"I thought of you like my girlfriend," he said.
"Do you really want to have this conversation on the phone?" I asked.
"Well I'm not sure when I'll see you."
"I still need to meet you and get my key...so I can come and get it from you or you can come here," I replied.
"I'm not at home though."
"I know...so call me when you're done."
"If it's late, I can leave it for you in your mailbox...do you really need it tonight?" he asked.
"I'm going to Jerusalem tomorrow and I need to give it to her."
Whatever. The truth is...I wanted the chance to see his face and have a normal conversation. I'd tried twice already to end it and he insisted on trying...and now he wants to just push it aside on the phone?
Dude...that's not how friends treat each other. If you wanted to be friends, you would have brought my key with you to wherever you were going because you knew you were going to try and meet me to give it back to me like I asked. If we were friends, you'd have the respect to see me and tell me to my face that you were done "trying" since you'd made me sit through the same conversation more than once.
Like really. Let's be grown-ups. Let me get my key. Let me tell you that I don't think this has anything to do with me...that I think you're just really busy with your life right now. Let me tell you that if, in a few weeks or months, you think about me and you see that you actually do have time to devote to getting to know me...let me tell you that it's ok to call me and try again. I might be around...I might not. But let me tell you that...because that way I'll feel like this parting is ok. Otherwise, I'm just kind of pissed off.
What I actually think...but I won't say to his face...is that he's a little bit depressed. He studied really hard to get an amazing education and a very useful degree. He knows a lot about a subject and he wishes he weren't stuck working in a crap hard labor job. He wishes he had the energy and the time to go after what he wants...but he's a bit scared of being a grown up. We all are. He masks this dull part of his life by smoking hash...and I have dated so many guys exactly like this. They've all been exactly where he is...and they all come out of it and find their way eventually. He will too.
And so will I. I was in that place once too...but I don't need to mask any dullness with pot anymore. I know exactly how it makes me feel and how it makes everything seem hopeless. Pot isn't necessarily an addictive drug...but the feeling of numbness one gets CAN be addictive. And so many people find themselves needing to be there...in the high...because the reality of growing up and being responsible and settling down is just too...terrifying for the moment. I know exactly how that feels. I remember it and I'm so glad that period of my life is over. It's so much easier to be scared and confused when you're NOT high...because it's so much more clear.
Next.