It's a big girl world...
It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word...
***
Sometimes I feel like hiding under my bed. Or like when I was little...if I got scared at night, I'd pull the covers up over my head. The reasoning was that if I couldn't see the boogie man, he definitely couldn't see me either.
He returned from his vacation. A week after he left, he called...right on time. Right when I kind of figured he'd probably decided to just turn around and walk away from the crazy girl I showed him. To be fair, I wasn't THAT crazy with him...but it's a bit early for us to expose those parts to each other.
We met two days later. Hugs. Kisses. Adoring gazes.
I was fasting for 9 Av and had come home early from work. I promised myself not to bring things up...not to try and talk about serious things when I'm hungry. That combination has never worked for me.
But as we sat on the sofa...I found that I couldn't be fake with him. I apologized for the crazy and explained that it was a reaction...to him...to his non-chalant approach. Not that there's anything bad with non-chalant...because there isn't. I kind of wish I could be more non-chalant sometimes. He listened. He waited. I told him I felt like an afterthought...like...if there's nothing else going on, he'll see me...like calling me is an item on his check list of things to do.
***
I've been wondering what you're thinking
And if you like my dress tonight?
Would you still say you love me
Under this ordinary moonlight?
I'm so afraid of what you'll say.
***
"Yesh b'zeh mashehu..." he responded. ("There's something to that.")
He said it's something he's also thought about. He can't figure out why he's just...not present...he didn't just ask about me and get my phone number for no reason...he saw something in me...but something is holding him back...
And then he went with me to my friends apartment to break the fast. Laughing and smiling and being friendly...how it should be...like a couple...
And then he went to work and I went out with my friends.
He's just not that into me. He looked me in the face and said it, for the most part...and I didn't say anything in return. I invited him to break the fast with my friends when what I should have said was..."I like you but I like myself more than to be in a forced relationship that makes me question my own worth."
And then it was Friday and the Brazilian sat outside of my apartment building for 2 hours. He wanted all the gifts he'd given me. That was his excuse, you see...to get a reaction from me...to see me...to make me weak...
And we erupted into something like a scene from a movie that involved throwing flip flops and slamming doors.
Dinner with friends involved a lot of wine and I ended up throwing a fit on the phone with O. Told him I like him but I like me more...that I can't be in a situation like this where I'm with someone who actually acknowledges that I am an afterthought.
And then a few hours later, I found myself sitting on the couch with a crying Brazilian. He swears he's changed. He loves me. He wants to be with me. He's serious this time. He means it. He wants it to work. He knows how special I am and he wants to try and be the man I deserve.
And I'm weak and want to believe him. And it's comfortable and feels safe. I don't know why but it does. It makes no sense to anyone...especially me.
And now I'm so disgusted with myself I can't even look in the mirror.
I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom...a cleansing...to rid myself of all the grime and chaos. I swept in corners that have never seen the light of day. I scrubbed with great effort. All the laundry. The mildew in the shower. Everything.
And O just called. He said he wants to make an effort. And I'm even more disgusted.
And confused.
And he finishes work at 22:00 and I requested a meeting.
And I don't even feel like I deserve his effort at this point.
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word...
***
Sometimes I feel like hiding under my bed. Or like when I was little...if I got scared at night, I'd pull the covers up over my head. The reasoning was that if I couldn't see the boogie man, he definitely couldn't see me either.
He returned from his vacation. A week after he left, he called...right on time. Right when I kind of figured he'd probably decided to just turn around and walk away from the crazy girl I showed him. To be fair, I wasn't THAT crazy with him...but it's a bit early for us to expose those parts to each other.
We met two days later. Hugs. Kisses. Adoring gazes.
I was fasting for 9 Av and had come home early from work. I promised myself not to bring things up...not to try and talk about serious things when I'm hungry. That combination has never worked for me.
But as we sat on the sofa...I found that I couldn't be fake with him. I apologized for the crazy and explained that it was a reaction...to him...to his non-chalant approach. Not that there's anything bad with non-chalant...because there isn't. I kind of wish I could be more non-chalant sometimes. He listened. He waited. I told him I felt like an afterthought...like...if there's nothing else going on, he'll see me...like calling me is an item on his check list of things to do.
***
I've been wondering what you're thinking
And if you like my dress tonight?
Would you still say you love me
Under this ordinary moonlight?
I'm so afraid of what you'll say.
***
"Yesh b'zeh mashehu..." he responded. ("There's something to that.")
He said it's something he's also thought about. He can't figure out why he's just...not present...he didn't just ask about me and get my phone number for no reason...he saw something in me...but something is holding him back...
And then he went with me to my friends apartment to break the fast. Laughing and smiling and being friendly...how it should be...like a couple...
And then he went to work and I went out with my friends.
He's just not that into me. He looked me in the face and said it, for the most part...and I didn't say anything in return. I invited him to break the fast with my friends when what I should have said was..."I like you but I like myself more than to be in a forced relationship that makes me question my own worth."
And then it was Friday and the Brazilian sat outside of my apartment building for 2 hours. He wanted all the gifts he'd given me. That was his excuse, you see...to get a reaction from me...to see me...to make me weak...
And we erupted into something like a scene from a movie that involved throwing flip flops and slamming doors.
Dinner with friends involved a lot of wine and I ended up throwing a fit on the phone with O. Told him I like him but I like me more...that I can't be in a situation like this where I'm with someone who actually acknowledges that I am an afterthought.
And then a few hours later, I found myself sitting on the couch with a crying Brazilian. He swears he's changed. He loves me. He wants to be with me. He's serious this time. He means it. He wants it to work. He knows how special I am and he wants to try and be the man I deserve.
And I'm weak and want to believe him. And it's comfortable and feels safe. I don't know why but it does. It makes no sense to anyone...especially me.
And now I'm so disgusted with myself I can't even look in the mirror.
I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom...a cleansing...to rid myself of all the grime and chaos. I swept in corners that have never seen the light of day. I scrubbed with great effort. All the laundry. The mildew in the shower. Everything.
And O just called. He said he wants to make an effort. And I'm even more disgusted.
And confused.
And he finishes work at 22:00 and I requested a meeting.
And I don't even feel like I deserve his effort at this point.
Click to view