from disappointment to opened eyes
I don't know why I never thought of it, even though I know my unconscious expectations were unreasonable. I believed in this person, because he showcased good character, he was selfless, he was gracious. Just somehow, I never thought that he would be imperfect, no matter how ridiculous that just sounded. This person and his beloved were talking bad about people. At first I was probably too tired to really notice the danger in it, so I didn't think much. Then came one day where a lot of pressure was put on me to perform "correctly" or "properly," and I went back home feeling very tired. Suddenly, insecure thoughts of "Oh no, what if I did wrong without knowing, and they'll talk about it behind my back" came into my mind, and it was then that I recalled of my previous experiences in the same setting. This is not good. I have to resolve it as I went through something very similar and it's not healthy for the people.
This burden was in me for many days. It still is, just thank God that it isn't as bad. Every time I think of the times where this person could have been judgmental/legalistic/unhappy with certain things, it gives me very unpleasant feelings. This incident opened my blind eyes to see, to be reminded that yes, no matter how good a person's character may be, they are still imperfect. We are still being crafted and molded by God. We are still in the process.
These imperfections made me appreciate the perfection of God all the more. He doesn't talk bad about people behind their backs, He is so full with grace-true grace-so gentle, most generous, loves the unlovable, and also loves those who don't love Him back. I'm more appreciative of my family, of my friends, because we are all imperfect, which does not mean that we do not deserve the love. I realised that I may have idolised my pastor, and the church, because I thought that was where I feel at home the most, with people who have the same heart, to love God, but I also became quite apathetic towards other people, especially my family. I was selfish. I only thought of myself, and how they couldn't relate to me. I was wrong. What I should really do is to love them, appreciate them, and whatever time I have with them, to spend it to the fullest. That is what I should do and should focus on.
My eyes were also not totally on God. What I did, or how I did things, I was more concerned on whether I followed the advice of people, and less on what God really desired me to do, or how He desired me to do them.
Yet again, another important lesson that I needed to grow into the woman God wants me to be. Having the right focus, right thoughts, and to love one another.
This burden was in me for many days. It still is, just thank God that it isn't as bad. Every time I think of the times where this person could have been judgmental/legalistic/unhappy with certain things, it gives me very unpleasant feelings. This incident opened my blind eyes to see, to be reminded that yes, no matter how good a person's character may be, they are still imperfect. We are still being crafted and molded by God. We are still in the process.
These imperfections made me appreciate the perfection of God all the more. He doesn't talk bad about people behind their backs, He is so full with grace-true grace-so gentle, most generous, loves the unlovable, and also loves those who don't love Him back. I'm more appreciative of my family, of my friends, because we are all imperfect, which does not mean that we do not deserve the love. I realised that I may have idolised my pastor, and the church, because I thought that was where I feel at home the most, with people who have the same heart, to love God, but I also became quite apathetic towards other people, especially my family. I was selfish. I only thought of myself, and how they couldn't relate to me. I was wrong. What I should really do is to love them, appreciate them, and whatever time I have with them, to spend it to the fullest. That is what I should do and should focus on.
My eyes were also not totally on God. What I did, or how I did things, I was more concerned on whether I followed the advice of people, and less on what God really desired me to do, or how He desired me to do them.
Yet again, another important lesson that I needed to grow into the woman God wants me to be. Having the right focus, right thoughts, and to love one another.