Red Hand Days - Chapter 10
Title: Red Hand Days
Status: Still WIP
Warnings: Still there. Rough shit. You know the drill.
A/N: Chapter 10. Must be the longest fic I have ever written. And it's not even done yet. Still I don't even think this as a fic. It's just something for me to write when all the other writings are giving me a hard time. Being wiser from last year I didn't take part in Nanowrimo this year. Instead I decided to write 500 words each day. And because most of my other stories are a pain in the ass, I will be writing this one a lot. Yey!
10.
Alex had the best laughter in the world. It was full and catchy and it made Kashim smile every time he heard it. And Alex laughed a lot. Not only to the weird and not really funny things like Gauron, but to the normal stuff like the jokes he made or the stories he told. Kashim liked listening to Alex's stories, since there rarely was any gruesome deaths or severed limbs in them. They were stories about unavailable girls, bad food and farts in the wrong places. Alex spoke a lot, but never made Kashim feel stupid for being quiet.
Alex had a hard time with the local food. He seemed to spend most of his time searching for something he could eat and then complaining the rest of the day about the taste, the smell and the cost of his findings. He talked non-stop about pork and something called pizza. One evening he tried to make pizza himself and almost ended up burning his apartment down.
Alex had been very careful never to touch Kashim without his permission. Kashim didn't have the balls to say it would've been okay to touch him more often the way Alex did it. Every night they sat on the bed, Alex behind Kashim's back to check and clean the wounds and then wrapping new bandages on. Kashim just sat there with his eyes closed, secretly enjoying the ghost of a touch on his skin. Even the sharp pain from the rubbing alcohol wasn't bad when it was caused by Alex. He always apologised. Sincerely.
“Can I umm... ask you something?” Alex started one morning. They were drinking morning coffee in the small kitchen and eating the Khoujoors Alex had bought. Kashim lifted his eyes and nodded, his mouth full. “You don't... like Gauron, right?”
There had been a notable stress on the word “like” and it made Kashim nervous. These types of questions always did. If it was Gauron asking, Kashim would have most likely lied, even though he knew it was wrong and punishable too. Getting caught from lying was still easier than answering truthfully. But this wasn't Gauron asking. This was Alex.
Alex smiled slightly. “You have that look on your face again.”
Kashim frowned. “What look?”
“Panicked. Like the truth is going to get you shot.” They were both silent until Kashim turned his eyes away from the man. “Would it?” Kashim was silent still. “He doesn't like it when you tell him the truth?”
“Yeah”, Kashim said, avoiding Alex's eyes. “But he doesn't like to be lied to either.”
“Ah”, Alex said with a nod. “That's a great excuse. He can just beat you when ever he feels like it. No matter what you say.”
“I can take care of myself”, Kashim said with a bit of annoyance. He didn't need anyone feeling sorry for him. He was a soldier, for God's sake. A mercenary.
“I know”, Alex said calmly. “But it's okay to say if you can't.”
Kashim's eyes narrowed. Had Alex just said he was weak? It was an insult like no other. Not to be able to take care of himself. Like a cripple or a child.
“Do a favour for me”, Alex stated and set down his coffee mug.
“What?” Kashim spat, still angered by him. It wasn't usual that someone called him weak. Some civilian medic none the less.
“Tell me that you don't like having sex with Gauron.”
For some reason Kashim's heart was racing. “What?” he snorted and tried to hide the nervousness in his voice.
“Say it”, Alex ushered.
“Why?” The palms of Kashim's hands were sweating. The defy in his voice wasn't fooling anyone.
“Just say it. For me. Say you don't like having sex with Gauron.” Alex was as calm as ever.
“I don't!” Kashim barked and wasn't even sure why he was raising his voice.
“Say it.” Alex was staring at him, no, examining him with his eyes.
“I...” the rest of the words didn't come out for some reason.
“Say that you don't like Gauron.”
There was only silence. Kashim was still trying to figure out where his voice had gone. Those things were true. Why couldn't he say them out loud? He didn't like to have sex with Gauron and he didn't like the man. But it didn't change the fact that Gauron was necessary in some ways.
“Say that you don't need him.”
Kashim moved his eyes to meet Alex's. It wasn't actually true. Gauron was his leader. Gauron made the decisions and got their gigs and money. Without Gauron Kashim and the rest of the team had barely a place to go. None of them could just go and join an army, they weren't on anybody's side and only few of them even had nationalities.
“You can take care of yourself”, Alex reminded.
“I can take care of myself”, Kashim repeated immediately. That was true. Even without Gauron Kashim would survive, that much was certain. But what kind of a life would it be without a job or a team?
“You don't need Gauron.”
“I... But I do”, Kashim said with a frown. “He's our team leader. He gets the jobs and the money and he makes the plans and--”
“But you don't like him.”
For some reason Kashim felt panicked again. “It's not about liking. It's our job. Gauron's...”
“Yeah?”
“Well, he's not... nice like you, but he's a good fighter. His strategic plans are flawless. He's a good leader.”
“Have you had any other leaders?”
Kashim blushed, he could feel it. “What's that have to do with anything?”
“If you've only had one leader, how do you know he's good? There might be other leaders out there, who are just as good with planning and fighting, but who wouldn't force you to do the things Gauron does.”
Kashim was silent. Gauron had told him about the army officers. “They do other things”, Kashim said quietly, because at this point it seemed like Alex knew a lot more about things than Kashim.
“What kind of things?” Alex asked calmly. “Have you had a leader before Gauron.”
“No. But I've heard stuff. That they kill you if you call them by the wrong title. Or don't stand in straight line. Or if your clothes are dirty.”
Alex nodded slowly. “And who told you that?”
Kashim was dead silent. Of course it had been Gauron. But why would Gauron lie about things like that? Gauron had been in armies and Vostrikov had too. They knew the facts.
“Has it ever occurred to you that Gauron might lie to you about the world outside his group so that you wouldn't leave?”
Kashim gritted his teeth again. “I'm not stupid.”
“I never said you were”, Alex said immediately, keeping his voice calm. “I believe you are a very smart person. You just haven't been allowed to think. Gauron always makes the decisions for you and you go with it, because it's easy.”
“So you're saying I'm lazy?” Kashim asked, getting more and more annoyed.
Alex was silent for so long Kashim felt like hitting the man. Just when he was about to stand up and leave, Alex opened his mouth again.
“It's called a Stockholm syndrome.”
Kashim frowned. “What is?” he spat.
“The feelings you have for Gauron”, Alex said and when Kashim didn't show any sign of understanding, he continued. “It happens sometimes when a person is kidnapped. It's a coping skill, to survive the trauma. You fool yourself into thinking that you like the person who is actually treating you badly.”
Kashim wasn't sure if Alex was just making things up. Kashim hadn't been kidnapped nor did he have any traumas. And he didn't really even like Gauron. He had just said that the man wasn't all that bad. “Gauron isn't--”
“You start to defend them, making up excuses for their behaviour. Blaming yourself when they treat you badly. Believe me, you're not the first one to experience it.” Alex took another sip of his coffee.
“Of course I defend him, he's my team leader. And we have rules, so of course he has to--”
“Screw his made-up rules”, Alex snorted.
“It doesn't work like that!” Kashim barked. “You're a civilian, you don't understand any of it! Gauron saved my life!”
“And you should be grateful for that , I understand. He has helped you a lot, but he has hurt you a lot too and that's something you have to understand. That's not liking someone. If you like someone, you don't hurt them, period. Gauron doesn't like you. He likes hurting you. There's a big difference.”
Kashim kept his stare at Alex. He was so confused about everything he thought his brains were going to explode.
“Why I'm saying this is that when you get away from him, you don't start to doubt yourself. Your mind might play tricks on you and tell you that you miss him even when you don't. You might be missing something familiar, the feeling of being part of a team, knowing what's going to happen next, but that's not the same as missing Gauron.”
Kashim shook his head immediately. Vostrikov's words came back to him, reminding him about all the faults in his plans. “I don't know where I would go. I don't have any plans or--”
“You're going to Japan. Next week”, Alex stated.
Kashim blinked at the words. “I am?”
“Yes. And I'm coming with you, so you don't have anything to worry about.”
**
The sleeping arrangements in Alex's apartment were odd to say at least. Alex had a wide double bed in which no one slept. Kashim had moved to sleep on the floor as soon as his back was getting better. Alex didn't like it and insisted every night that Kashim slept on the bed. Alex himself slept on the small couch, with his legs dangling over one of the arm rests, so Kashim could sleep on the bed alone. Which he didn't. Alex laughed at the situation and said that maybe they were both a little crazy. Kashim had smiled too.
Kashim dreamt about Gauron returning several times. Not even real dreams where stuff happened, just Gauron's face and the man saying something or Kashim walking on the street and suddenly bumping into Gauron. There wasn't time to get panicked or explaining that he wasn't running away, Kashim always woke up before that.
The dream about Alex had been totally different. Kashim hadn't even realised it had been a dream before he woke up. It had felt so real.
In the dream Kashim had been in the apartment, reading his book when Alex had walked in, telling him to get up to change the bandages. Just like any normal day. The man had sat behind Kashim and started to pull away the strip of cloth, his fingers lightly touching Kashim's skin.
“You're completely healed.”
Kashim turned his head a little in surprise. “Really?”
Alex's hand smoothed carefully over Kashim's upper back where the wounds had been. “Not a scratch left”, he said. “Remarkable.”
“You're a good medic”, Kashim said with a smile.
Alex hands were warm on Kashim's back. The fingers traced the lines of Kashim's muscles and the spine. The weight on the bed shifted as Alex leaned forward and he placed his mouth on Kashim's shoulder. The hands dropped to explore the ridges of his ribs. Kashim closed his eyes and sighed in pleasure.
“Gauron will kill us”, Kashim said quietly.
“Gauron's dead, quit worrying about him.”
Kashim opened his eyes and thought about it. He hadn't known that, but it sounded good. Gauron dead. He could stay with Alex forever.
“I shouldn't have shot him”, Kashim mumbled, feeling Alex's lips on his shoulder.
“It's okay”, Alex replied softly. “It's for the best.” His hands moved to Kashim's chest to hold him, the fingers grazing against the nipples. “You like me better anyway, right?” Alex asked with a smug grin.
“I do”, Kashim answered, his voice somewhat grim but determined. It bothered him that he couldn't remember the shooting at all. He thought he should remember killing Gauron. It must've been difficult and dangerous. What had caused him to do a thing like that?
Alex's hand sneaked down to Kashim's crotch and started to massage him. Kashim leaned back against the man sighed in pleasure. It was amazing how good it could feel when you didn't have to be afraid. Like... really, really good. Kashim dropped his gaze down to see Alex stroking him hard, the tip of his cock oozing with pure liquid. Alex's tongue licked the back of his ear and the man whispered him to spread his legs wider.
Kashim was breathing through his mouth and watching Alex's hand. The other hand was wrapped tightly around his chest, Alex's chin on his shoulder. Kashim's toes were curling from the pleasure.
“Do you want me to fuck you?” Alex whispered.
Kashim shook his head, keeping his eyes down. It felt like looking at himself only made him harder. “No. Just this”, he breathed out.
“Just this?” Alex's thumb wiped over the tip of the cock and smeared the liquid down the shaft. Kashim had to shout out loud and grip a hold of Alex's hair. The hand fastened it's pace and Kashim felt the pleasure packing inside him. Just when he thought he would lose his mind he felt the rush of pleasure, which almost knocked him unconscious.
Kashim blinked and stared at the ceiling. It took a moment for him to realise it had been a dream.
“You ok?” Alex's voice startled Kashim and he sat up, gathering some of the sheets to cover him. Alex was standing in the doorway with worried look. “You had a nightmare?”
Kashim just stared at the man wide eyed. He could still feel his cock throbbing and the sheets felt wet. Fuck, had he pissed himself?! In the bed?!
“Oh.” Alex lifted his eyebrows. “Sorry.” The man left the doorway and even closed the door behind him.
Only after few moments of peace Kashim finally had the courage to take a peek under the covers. He sighed with relief. At least he hadn't wet himself. He pushed his hand into the briefs and pulled his hand back out. Cum on his fingers.
Somehow it made him feel even worse than the idea of pissing himself. The idea of cumming was just... It was too Gauron. Kashim didn't do that kind of things. He wasn't like Gauron or the rest of them and he had always felt good about it.
And what the hell had he dreamt about Alex for?! He didn't even want to do those things with Alex! And dreaming about killing Gauron and..! His mind was seriously fucked up.
Kashim threw the covers away and got up. The briefs felt dirty so he just kicked them under the bed and put on his pants. He could wash them later. Now he seriously needed some fresh air.
Alex was frying eggs again. He did that every fucking morning. Like eggs were the best thing in the world.
“Hey sorry man, I didn't mean to interrupt or any...” the man begun as he walked out of the kitchen. For a few seconds he watched Kashim put on his combat boots. “Where are you going?”
“For a jog”, Kashim grunted. He couldn't even look at Alex's face right now. He was blushing from just talking to him.
“Really?” the man sounded surprised. “I'm not so sure you're up to that yet. You had a massive blood loss and--”
“I don't give a fuck!” Kashim shouted and cast a glare at the man.
Alex just raised an eyebrow. “Jesus, no need to bite my face off. Just don't overdo it, okay?”
“I'm fine”, Kashim spat and left the apartment with a good bang of the door.
Kashim started his jog with his normal pace. Usually if he had the time, he did 5-10 km round in the morning. It was his alone time that even Gauron didn't deny. Few times Gauron had joined him, but that had been years ago. He was still physically extremely fit and could probably keep up with Kashim easily, but during mornings he was usually too hung over to run.
Kashim pushed Gauron out of his mind again. He was really starting to lose it, wasn't he? Thinking about leaving the country, dreaming about killing Gauron and being with another man... Now he was shouting at Alex, the only one on his side, for no reason. Even his feet felt heavier than usual. The morning traffic made the air almost too thick to breath.
Kashim gritted his teeth and fastened his pace. The last time he had cummed, the first time, it had been with Gauron in Singapore. He had cried afterwards. He still didn't know why. Or maybe he did. He felt like crying again. This wasn't the direction he wanted his life to go. Slowly turning into Gauron without being able to do anything about it. He didn't want to be like Gauron. He wanted to be like Alex.
Like Alex. Not with Alex. There was a difference. Kashim leaped down a set of stone stairs to get to another part of town. At the bottom his vision was blurred for few seconds and he felt like falling down. Leaning his palms against his knees Kashim took a second to catch his breath, but it only made him feel worse. With shaking movements he sat down to the stairs.
This wasn't what he wanted from life. Always being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it. Everyone mocking him, beating him, calling him names. Always being on his guard, even with his team mates and getting the shit kicked out of him the second he wasn't. Always relying on Gauron for every single thing. There had to be more out there. Kashim didn't know where or how he would get there or what he would do if not this, but he would find out.
**
Alex had made everything ready. He had gotten the passports and the plane tickets. They even had an apartment waiting in Japan. Alex talked about the possibilities of schools or some local military career. Kashim was worried about the officers, but Alex said none of them were even half the asshole Gauron was.
Alex had known how terrified Kashim was about leaving everything. But at the same time he convinced Kashim that this was what he really wanted. A life without Gauron. This was what he had tried to achieve with all the running and escaping.
Alex had been really calm about his death. He hadn't fought back. All the furnitures were on their right places. He had probably stared straight into the barrel of the gun and smiled a little. Maybe told a little joke about farting just before someone, most likely Gauron, pulled the trigger. His life had ended quietly and without a hassle. His body was still lying on the kitchen floor when Kashim came back from his jog.