(no subject)
Why does it kill me to think of you? Why am I so bitter towards you? I know I should be happy, but when I see your face I just get in a mood less than anger but still full of jade. I don't want you to see me like this, or think that it may be your fault. I wish I didn't care so much, I wish I could let you go. I miss the things we did, I took for granted the looks we shared. I haven't gotten rid of the pictures of you, but it hurts when I see them. My dreams still haunt me in the night. They won't leave me alone, reguardless of how hard I fight. I know I'm not comfortable when I'm talking to you, and I don't know how you feel. My emotions have torn a rift between us. I thought that I could fix, so I tried and failed. So now I'm still stuck here paining over you. Do you remember the chest pains I used to get, I don't get them now, but I can feel them coming when I think of you. I don't know what that means but I know that it can't be good for me. My day can be perfect, until I think of us and what we used to be, but now all I can see is the pain within me. Why does it kill me to think of you? Why should any of this matter? You're so far away, and it's been almost half a year. I've met a few girls since then but none that fit the bill, I still have a long time, but will I end up being alone till the very end? I know this wasn't your intent, and you didn't do anything to cause it. I made the choice, I just think that I am trying to get over us. I'm not ready for another relationship, because I'm still looking for someone like you. I don't know what the future holds for us, but as it is now it hurts just thinking about you. Once a great pleasure and security, is now a hollow and dark thought brooding in the back of my mind. Do I need help? Yes, but I think I need to figure this out on my own. I go out everyday to try to clear my mind, and think of the thoughts I used to have before you came into my life. I think back to the love I showed you, and how you never believed. Now it seems so hard to think of saying the word. I remember the shy little girl I first met, and how it made me feel like a true protector. Now you can hold your own, and I'm no longer of use. So what is this lone protector supposed to do when he has no one to protect? I'm used to being delt pain, and that's what turned me to a depressive nature. I spent years trying to turn that around. Why now is it so hard to remember what I did to rid myself of the depression? I makes me mad that you can let us go so easily. It makes me wonder if I wasn't just a stepping stone, or if I really mattered at all. Maybe it was just time for us to move on, but maybe I wasn't ready, maybe I never wanted to let you go, at this point it's too late, and I can't wait till I can let this go. Here's hopping for a good New Year.