(no subject)
Still waiting for the right one,
My dream is that one day it'd be fun,
You say you'll call but will you?
This dream I have is one without truth.
I just watched one of the more depressing movies I've ever seen.. "Eye of the Beholder" If you don't know about it then you need to look into it. Whatever you do, don't mix alchol and this movie because I can gaurentee that you will turn into a depressed mess... It's bad enough I'm on a down... I should have stuck with something on a more sober note...
Why can't I be dramatic, it suits me. I was happy all last night... Now I just realize that what I had last night was exactly what it was... Happiness with a price. I don't understand, why girls are nice to the point of being insensative? If you don't plan on calling then why bother taking the number. It's bad enough that one must work up the confidence and courage to even offer the number... but in my past I have noticed that nine times out of ten, if I offer my number I don't get a reply... Well I'm sorry but fuck girls... What ever happened to just saying no? Say I'm sorry but I'm just not interested.. Better that than have us waiting by the fucking phone for a call that won't be coming.. Why....
You know.. I've been thinking about the fact that over the last four months I havn't cared about whether or not I get calls from people... I don't expect people to call me anymore, and you know for almost a week no one did.. I learned that I call everyone. My friends, my family... I hardly ever recieve phone calls... I don't know if that's because I hang out with quiet people or they just have better lives. It's too fucking hard for me to be alone, but aside from the time I spend at work, I am almost always alone... Jesus, that movie really made me think about how much time I spend sitting alone at malls or coffee shops or at clubs... I spend so much time on the internet because I fear being alone. I spend all my energy to try and make a relationship work or to be with a girl, because I hate being alone... I've been a dick to people over the last few days. It's really be tearing at my soul and I'm tired of being nice. It's like I want the whole world to fuck off and leave me alone, but being alone is the one thing I hate... So I go out.. alone and I sit alone and I watch people. Why because I don't think they will like the real me.. I'm afraid to bring a girl to my place because the way I act while I'm out is far from what my room reflects. My room is my soul and I'm afraid to let people in... Lisa was the last person I felt comfortable with being in my room. I think I was afraid to let my dad into my room as well... He never got to know the real me.. Now he never will.. I shut him out because I was afraid he won't understand me... I never gave him the chance because I didn't want to dissapoint him... He knew that I was different but I don't think he ever understood... and now he's lost that chance because of me.. fuck.. I hate being alone.. fuck...... < - - > Even now.. I'm alone...I have people I could talk to, but... I don't want to let them in.. They won't understand how I am.. I try to be the coolest.. I try to be the most attractive.. I try for all the attention, and I get jealous when I don't get it... I'm selfish and I know it... but I hide it with being a nice guy... Lisa's the only one who ever saw the real me.. and for a while there she loved me.. but I've lost that too.. Atleast she was nice enough to stay with me till I was ready to let go... fuck...
In a sick way I want people to worry about me because of this.. I think maybe because it will let me know that someone is curious... but you know what..
If your reading this I won't know.. Don't post.. don't call... this isn't for attention, this is a breakdown and I fucking need it.. I'll put my fucking mask on when I'm good and ready until then... As I always am... I'll be alone.
My dream is that one day it'd be fun,
You say you'll call but will you?
This dream I have is one without truth.
I just watched one of the more depressing movies I've ever seen.. "Eye of the Beholder" If you don't know about it then you need to look into it. Whatever you do, don't mix alchol and this movie because I can gaurentee that you will turn into a depressed mess... It's bad enough I'm on a down... I should have stuck with something on a more sober note...
Why can't I be dramatic, it suits me. I was happy all last night... Now I just realize that what I had last night was exactly what it was... Happiness with a price. I don't understand, why girls are nice to the point of being insensative? If you don't plan on calling then why bother taking the number. It's bad enough that one must work up the confidence and courage to even offer the number... but in my past I have noticed that nine times out of ten, if I offer my number I don't get a reply... Well I'm sorry but fuck girls... What ever happened to just saying no? Say I'm sorry but I'm just not interested.. Better that than have us waiting by the fucking phone for a call that won't be coming.. Why....
You know.. I've been thinking about the fact that over the last four months I havn't cared about whether or not I get calls from people... I don't expect people to call me anymore, and you know for almost a week no one did.. I learned that I call everyone. My friends, my family... I hardly ever recieve phone calls... I don't know if that's because I hang out with quiet people or they just have better lives. It's too fucking hard for me to be alone, but aside from the time I spend at work, I am almost always alone... Jesus, that movie really made me think about how much time I spend sitting alone at malls or coffee shops or at clubs... I spend so much time on the internet because I fear being alone. I spend all my energy to try and make a relationship work or to be with a girl, because I hate being alone... I've been a dick to people over the last few days. It's really be tearing at my soul and I'm tired of being nice. It's like I want the whole world to fuck off and leave me alone, but being alone is the one thing I hate... So I go out.. alone and I sit alone and I watch people. Why because I don't think they will like the real me.. I'm afraid to bring a girl to my place because the way I act while I'm out is far from what my room reflects. My room is my soul and I'm afraid to let people in... Lisa was the last person I felt comfortable with being in my room. I think I was afraid to let my dad into my room as well... He never got to know the real me.. Now he never will.. I shut him out because I was afraid he won't understand me... I never gave him the chance because I didn't want to dissapoint him... He knew that I was different but I don't think he ever understood... and now he's lost that chance because of me.. fuck.. I hate being alone.. fuck...... < - - > Even now.. I'm alone...I have people I could talk to, but... I don't want to let them in.. They won't understand how I am.. I try to be the coolest.. I try to be the most attractive.. I try for all the attention, and I get jealous when I don't get it... I'm selfish and I know it... but I hide it with being a nice guy... Lisa's the only one who ever saw the real me.. and for a while there she loved me.. but I've lost that too.. Atleast she was nice enough to stay with me till I was ready to let go... fuck...
In a sick way I want people to worry about me because of this.. I think maybe because it will let me know that someone is curious... but you know what..
If your reading this I won't know.. Don't post.. don't call... this isn't for attention, this is a breakdown and I fucking need it.. I'll put my fucking mask on when I'm good and ready until then... As I always am... I'll be alone.