cruising bris-vegas
It has been so long I hardly know where to start. I guess I should start by telling you why I actually have the time to write.
I am currently away from home in Brisbane(north east of australia approx 12 hours drive from sydney, capital city of queensland...thanks for the geography lesson...). I am in Brisbane to help set up a borders store in Mt Gravatt. I am here for three and a half weeks, although I have already been here for one, and it only feels as though it has been two days. I have left my husband behind in sydney with instructions to leave me alone while I am here because I just need some freaking time to myself and of course he cannot leave well enough alone, so he writes ma a snide email about being too easily influenced by my coworkers who don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things anyway. But what the fuck does it have to do with them? just because I have been spending many weekends out with them enjoying myself suddenly they are brain washing me?
I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend that this is what I want from my life just to make everyone else happy. Because I am MISERABLE!!!!! Jeff has tried hard to support me with the surgery and what not but we are just so impatient with eachother lately. We are much too different and he thinks he can't live without me. But I really think he would be happier finding some nice quiet homely girl who has no tattoos and no aspirations for them and who is happy to be the good little wife in husbands shadow.
TO MESS THINGS UP EVEN MORE... I emailed D how unhappy I was some time ago and he sent me this half drunk email about also being unhappy in his relationship and about holding out hope for him and I. Well of course I cried... I assumed after the way we left things with him basically saying that the ship had sailed that it was all over and I had been trying desperately to move on with my suburban housewife life. This put a BIG FUCKING SPANNER in everything. It was his birthday last week and I called him and we finally had an honest conversation with eachother after six years of dodging our feelings and making assumptions. He basically told me that one day if we could be together that would be what he wants, and I was thinking yeah... one day... Only the longer that I know that I could be there when I am here, it just pulls at me, it just stabs at my insides.
At the same time I don't want to leave jeff for "another man" because I know how completel horrible that can be to your self esteeem. One minute you are fine and things are going great, then the next minute the whole thing is ripped from under you. I know this because I experienced it with my first seriuos boyfriend. even though the relationship was not as serious it didn't hurt any less to be dumped for someone else.
I don't know what to do. It may take me some time to figure this out...
I am currently away from home in Brisbane(north east of australia approx 12 hours drive from sydney, capital city of queensland...thanks for the geography lesson...). I am in Brisbane to help set up a borders store in Mt Gravatt. I am here for three and a half weeks, although I have already been here for one, and it only feels as though it has been two days. I have left my husband behind in sydney with instructions to leave me alone while I am here because I just need some freaking time to myself and of course he cannot leave well enough alone, so he writes ma a snide email about being too easily influenced by my coworkers who don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things anyway. But what the fuck does it have to do with them? just because I have been spending many weekends out with them enjoying myself suddenly they are brain washing me?
I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend that this is what I want from my life just to make everyone else happy. Because I am MISERABLE!!!!! Jeff has tried hard to support me with the surgery and what not but we are just so impatient with eachother lately. We are much too different and he thinks he can't live without me. But I really think he would be happier finding some nice quiet homely girl who has no tattoos and no aspirations for them and who is happy to be the good little wife in husbands shadow.
TO MESS THINGS UP EVEN MORE... I emailed D how unhappy I was some time ago and he sent me this half drunk email about also being unhappy in his relationship and about holding out hope for him and I. Well of course I cried... I assumed after the way we left things with him basically saying that the ship had sailed that it was all over and I had been trying desperately to move on with my suburban housewife life. This put a BIG FUCKING SPANNER in everything. It was his birthday last week and I called him and we finally had an honest conversation with eachother after six years of dodging our feelings and making assumptions. He basically told me that one day if we could be together that would be what he wants, and I was thinking yeah... one day... Only the longer that I know that I could be there when I am here, it just pulls at me, it just stabs at my insides.
At the same time I don't want to leave jeff for "another man" because I know how completel horrible that can be to your self esteeem. One minute you are fine and things are going great, then the next minute the whole thing is ripped from under you. I know this because I experienced it with my first seriuos boyfriend. even though the relationship was not as serious it didn't hurt any less to be dumped for someone else.
I don't know what to do. It may take me some time to figure this out...