Under the sign of the cat.
i. to gain a cat’s trust
Summer had come in a rush, leaving people chocking in a bubble of sultry heat and relying on those brief seasonal storms to catch a most-deserved breathe.
Seungyoon fought against his wish to let himself die on the mattress in a pool of sweat and the laziness residing in every cell of his body, managing to get up and go out to hunt down some food. He wandered around, empty streets welcoming him in desolation.
He stopped at a coffee shop, rejoicing the cold waft of air conditioning as he stepped inside to stuff himself with cinnamon buns and iced vanilla latte (the only thought of buying something else, something he might have to cook or just warm up, made him feel like throwing up). Seungyoon waited his turn, bobbing his head and softly tapping his foot on the ground to the music playing in the shop. He had to resist the urge of jamming along too hard.
The guy before him was making his order and Seungyoon impatiently shifted on his feet, muttering the song between his teeth. He watched the boy pulling out his wallet - the silky wave of his hair as he moved, the nicely-fitted shape of his shoulders as he bent down - and saw the coins falling from his hand and scattering all around. He automatically stooped to help him pick up his money, earning a muffled thank you from the stranger.
He halted when he noticed the back of his hands: raw, long and thin scratches all over the skin caught his attention, as well as how big those hands actually were. Seungyoon reached out to give him his coins and then finally raised his eyes, meeting his stare.
He had an unforgettable face and an even more unforgettable pair of cat eyes: dark and deep, Seungyoon lost himself in them for a second. He cleared his throat in an attempt to go back to what he was doing - what, really? - and he deflated as the guy thanked him again and turned to pay his iced caramel macchiato with an extra shot of milk. Seungyoon had to force himself to stand up and go back to his composure.
He ate three cinnamon buns and a coconut donut and downed two iced vanilla lattes before he thought he had too many sweets for lunch (and a lifetime), but to tell the truth he couldn’t feel completely satisfied and he had the suspect it was because of that stranger. He liked - he loved to blame the hot weather: it was driving him crazy, playing with his mind and making him feel inexplicable unwanted tingles through his entire body.
It was its fault once again when that night he dreamed of him.
Seungyoon finally emerged from the dark pit of desperation, built up by sleepless nights spent on books and the almost certainty of having lost part of his sanity when the thermometer reached 40° C, two days before. He sang his rebirth under a cold shower and found a long-forgotten happiness in being perfectly shaved. His nerves were still jolted for the stress of preparing for two exams, but the unavoidable tragedy of having one of them just after lunch had brought him to a strange sort of acceptance.
He walked to the nearest market, a plan unfolding in his mind: eat two of his favourite ice creams, drink icy oolong tea on the counter by the window and then head to the university in perfect time. He whistled a song he was obsessed with as he got there, moving his fingers along - he tapped the front door and the food-packed shelves, tracing his path until he reached the refrigerator section and filled his hands with his lunch.
Seungyoon didn’t want to believe in fate as a fixed thing - coincidences were bound to happen, sometimes, but he didn’t like the idea of getting excited, of assuming there was something predestined behind what was, in the end, a casual meeting. There was no hidden meaning in something that could easily fit in statistics.
He liked to think he had a (undefined, thin or maybe not so small) degree of scope to make his own destiny. He could make those coincidences become a start; or not. Choose what to do.
Thus when he saw him - the same shade of auburn on his hair, the same nicely-shaped shoulders and such a long neck he didn’t notice the first time; a white loose tee that left his sturdy arms free and a pair of very suggestive shorts that covered up just half of his thighs - Seungyoon tried to save his sinking ship of practicality with a quick calculation of the probabilities of meeting each other again. He assumed he lived there, in his neighbour, and that decreased the number of variables involved: it kind of made sense, that way.
What didn’t make sense at all was how Seungyoon dumped his lunch and followed him outside. The guy seemed oblivious of his presence, humming a mellow tune as he swung the plastic bag in his right hand. Seungyoon noticed the white earbuds in his ears and the same scratches from last time on his forearms and his legs too; and, as he fell into his pace, he noticed the way he walked, how he almost leapt at every step, barely pinning on his toes. Agile, light.
He stopped just in time to not be seen when the guy suddenly dropped his bag on the ground and emptied its contents on the sidewalk: he opened the carton of milk he had bought on the store and placed a plastic bowl next to a streetlamp, filling it to the brim. He sat on his heels, drinking the rest hungrily. At that very moment, Seungyoon thought he was witnessing the secret life of a stray cat eating his lunch - at that, his belly grumbled achingly.
He wasn’t that surprised when a bunch of kittens came out from the corner of the street and meowed at the guy just before devouring the milk. Seungyoon smiled while the guy ran his fingers on the back of the bigger one of the litter, rubbing it lightly with his nails and giggling in delight. He looked completely lost in his own world, unbothered by anything that wasn’t what he was sharing with those kittens - Seungyoon now knew why he was covered by scratches and couldn’t help but smile with him.
There was something extremely soft and caring in the way the guy sat next to them and let one of the kittens cuddle on his lap, purring as he caressed behind its ears. Seungyoon’s smile widened and his guts knotted - dear lord, he was really doomed, no, actually he was sure the hot sun had just fried the last functioning neurons of his brain, it had to be so -
Then, the guy looked at him. He might have felt Seungyoon’s gaze on him or something like that, because his eyes were right on Seungyoon’s. Firm and curious, he stared at him and Seungyoon naturally stepped back, feeling guilty all at once. Could that be defined stalking? No, he was exaggerating like he always did when he was taken red handed - he had just followed him because of something he couldn’t pinpoint, but he had no bad intentions.
The guy tilted his head and studied him from his spot on the sidewalk, two of the kittens now curled up on his thighs and a third licking his knee. Seungyoon wondered if he could read his conflict right on his face, because for his part he could already feel his hands sweating and his heart beating furiously against his ribcage, traitor signs of his uneasiness.
He didn’t know how to break the spell between them and run away, transfixed by his eyes; so he just breathed unevenly, hugging himself as he felt a different kind of warmth burning his skin and consuming his oxygen quicker than usual.
When one of the kittens decided that the guy wasn’t paying enough attention and bit his calf playfully, making him curse and look at the culprit, Seungyoon took his chance to fly. He gave him his back and walked away as fast as possible. He could feel his eyes boring his skin, but he didn’t turn to check.
As he headed to the university - his belly asking for food, his body completely soaked in cold sweat, and a painful vein pulsing right on the side of his head - Seungyoon realized he had literally wasted his lunchtime for someone he didn’t even know, someone he had met twice in the span of a month and that he apparently was attracted to without a specific reason. It might be called love at first sight, but he believed love was something that required more than just few minutes together - sometimes, it needed a lifetime. So, he might call it simple attraction. That was fine; that was safe. Nevertheless, no matter how he tried to fight that stupid irrational side that many romantics liked to praise, he felt as that had to mean something. Not the casual meetings, which were more or less explainable by logic, but the feel he had right in his bones.
Seungyoon decided he had to check it out, he had to try and see where that could lead him to - if he could make those coincidences become the beginning of something new.
But first he had to find him again. And he actually had an exam to pass.
Autumn was welcomed by a ritual dance in the living room - Seungyoon ignored Jinwoo, his flatmate, and his complain and jumped all around the room, feeling like a better person now that he could wear a shirt without dreading the thickness of the fabric on his body.
This summer had been one of the busiest he could remember so far, between unavoidable exams and his best friend Mino, this one quite unescapable as well, dragging him at every party he could find. There had been so many distractions - the heat, first of all, and Mino himself with all his blabbing about how it was the time he found a fine gir- a fine boy, for his own sake; last, Jinwoo making him marathon tons of dramas with him - but Seungyoon was someone who couldn’t really let things slide. Not when those things - a guy with cat eyes and odd droopy eyebrows and a lovely long neck - were stuck in his mind.
He had to admit that more than once he had ended up wandering the neighbour, looking for him. He walked those streets like the man he wasn’t, guided more by instincts than sense, with the hope running through his veins and his heart crazily leaping in his chest; but in the end he wasn’t able to find him.
He had foreseen that: his first assumption was wrong, he had met him twice but it was totally casual, the guy wasn’t from his neighbour at all and Seungyoon had to live with something similar to regret pending on his neck, because he had chickened out when he could have just acted and talked to him.
And yet - it was August and he couldn’t stop tossing and turning in his bed, feeling trapped in a prison of hot and still air, so he decided he needed a walk - he found the same plastic bowl on the sidewalk of his street. Right under his window, to be more precise. And Seungyoon knew that, as silly as it could sound, that was a sign.
He spotted many bowls of milk left in strategic points and many cats drinking from there. Seungyoon just knew he was somewhere near and if he managed to be a tad more delusional, he could hope he’ll meet him soon.
“I can’t believe you won’t come to tonight’s party, that’s a must!”
“I have other plans”, Seungyoon gave Mino his back as he tried to walk away, but Mino chased after him briskly. Jinwoo had to quicken his pace to not lose them in the havoc of the campus at 12.30 AM.
“Like sulking in your room once again?”, Mino inquired.
“I have a theory”, Jinwoo said reaching them, his forefinger pointing up in a very comical way, “I think Seungyoon likes someone - oh, don’t be silly, your hyung can be perceptive too”, he ignored Seungyoon’s whine and went on, “or maybe it was the insistence you put in rolling up and down the living room’s floor, complaining about how it’s difficult to approach a nice guy, that made me think you could already have found someone you’re interested in”.
“You’ve a wild imagination”.
Mino’s jaw hanged open for few seconds, the shock obvious on his face as he theatrically fanned himself with his hands. “Do you mean our Seungyoon has seen the light?”
“Come on, it’s not even the first time”, he hissed, giving up the hope he could just walk off from that conversation unharmed.
Mino grinned, his smile so broad that Seungyoon feared it could break his face in two. “Well, but it’s been such a long time I thought you had banned any possible relationship from your life”.
“I had to study. Medicine students aren’t that free anyway, you know. We don’t go around making- what do you do, by the way? Games”.
“Videogames. Geez, Seungyoon, you’re so on the defensive I might think you’ve already professed your love to this guy and got rejected in the most atrocious way. Don’t tell me you sang him a serenade - don’t you tell me”.
“That would be so romantic”, Jinwoo’s eyes widened a bit more. “I saw something like this in a drama…”
“I didn’t sing anything to anyone. Actually, I don’t even know his name”.
“What?”, Mino and Jinwoo reacted the same way and Seungyoon sighed deeply. He should have just shut up as usual and let things slide, at least on the surface - be quiet while he had a chaos inside. He wasn’t that good at hiding his emotions, though. He had always been a bit obvious and he couldn’t really help it. Not as much as his two hyungs, if that could be of any comfort.
“So who is he? I mean how did you meet him? If you don’t even know his name, the chances of meeting him again are-“
“18%, to be precise. It’s not under the 5% because I’m pretty sure he lives in this neighbour, we’ve met twice; fairly assuming we’re the same age, there are more probabilities to meet up in some place where young people usually hang out”.
“This seems serious”, Jinwoo whispered, almost stumbling for the shock. “The last time he talked through numbers he had just passed the exam of Anatomy”.
“Do you think we need to call Seunghoon to make him… behave?”, Mino talked behind Seungyoon’s back, without loosening his tight hold on Seungyoon’s shoulder as they walked through the courtyard.
Jinwoo looked at him, worried. “Maybe he really needs his counsel”.
“Seungyoon...”, Mino wavered, “Are you sure… I mean, did you like him this much?”
“Well, I should find out first. First impressions are important, but not everything”.
“If I didn’t know you better I would say you just experienced love at first sight”.
“There is no such thing. That’s a silly idea they sell us to coat the truth - which is, humans can feel strong attraction to someone they find good-looking. There is no need to search a deeper, meaningless explanation”.
“You sound like an ass”.
“What I truly mean is something you might like even more than you want to admit: love needs time to grow, from attraction to affection to something more substantial”. Seungyoon abruptly stopped walking and fell quiet.
Mino and Jinwoo looked at each other, more puzzled than ever. This whole thing didn’t make sense at all and Seungyoon was almost driving them crazy. Should have they been happy for him, for finally being interested in someone after who knows how long, or just tell him to go to fuck off for being a nagging brat and a totally weirdo?
“What’s going on?”, Mino could only come up with that.
“For God’s sake, Seungyoon, you should stop being a drama queen”.
“Hyung, you’re the one who’s biting his own nails off”.
“You’re no better, look at your face”.
Seungyoon ignored them both, speechless. Not because this was impossible - he had a likelihood of 18% on his side, in the end, and that was a fair amount - but because he didn’t expect to see him just now. He had wished for it, but he didn’t hope in this much.
“There is really no two without a three. How fortunate”.
Seungyoon left his hyungs behind without a single explanation besides “I need to confirm my theory” and rushed to meet him.
Seungyoon couldn’t be called a cynic - on the contrary, he saw himself as a romantic with his own limitations. He just wasn’t easily tricked down the love lane, for he liked to be a smart-ass in everything he did and it was pretty stupid to believe something like such a deep emotion could start out of the blue. There was no point in thinking the attraction he felt for that guy was something more than that. He loved to be safe in those degrees of realism.
Yet - an in this he admitted himself he definitely, hopelessly was a sentimental soul - he valued love as one of those few things that made humans feel alive and be so much more; and he knew it needed time and room to blossom. Moreover, he couldn’t just stop thinking about him and, even if following his guts and not his brain was a stupid thing to do, he had decided weeks ago he just had to give it a try. Know him better and see.
(Because from what he knew, he already liked everything he had seen about him: the chemistry was there, making his heart beat in patterns he couldn’t call physiological, and he just loved the way the guy took care of those stray cats and how he had smiled that time, rubbing his hand on the kitten’s back).
So he spoke: “Cats must be very fond of you”.
The guy was sitting on a thick and gnarled tree, a book in his right hand, a grey cat right under his left one. He stopped reading - Confessions of a mask, black letters on white paperback - and looked at him from above. He hummed a yes, his eyes studying him for a small moment, and then went back to his book.
Jeez, Seungyoon wasn’t someone who got dejected easily but that was such a cold response even for his standards. Maybe that guy didn’t like to have people around (he certainly preferred cats’ company, of this Seungyoon was already quite sure).
Seungyoon stood in silence, looking at the scene: the cat was purring in contentment, rubbing his head on his thigh; he kept his eyes on the book quite intently but - Seungyoon grinned widely - he wasn’t reading at all, probably affected by his presence. Seungyoon could see his stare fixed on an indefinite point of the page, wavering on the same sentence for too long.
“Can I?” Seungyoon raised his hand to caress the cat but stopped midway as the pet hissed at him.
“It’s not domesticated”, the guy sneered wryly, “and not fond of strangers”.
Seungyoon pouted instinctively. “Must be jealous”, he smiled his most charming smile, hoping he would get his hint or at least show any emotion besides indifference.
He looked at him with his poker face and Seungyoon held his stare, still grinning. The guy was eerily attractive - the way no one could really resist him - but it was the depth of his gaze that made Seungyoon’s heart bumping wildly and his skin burning like he had just caught a viral fever.
Seungyoon waited until he looked away, uneasy. “Am I too handsome to look at?”
“No way”, the guy jolted in his sit, making the cat spring off his lap in an angry snarl. He muttered something between his teeth, a curse, and shifted his body so he could go back to the position he was before, his legs dangling from the bough he sat on. Seungyoon nodded assertively, enjoying his reaction. The guy stared at him once again and this time he furrowed his brow, no longer calm as before. It looked funny, his droopy eyebrows weirdly arched up to ask a question.
Seungyoon found that small detail very lovely. Oh, he was on his way to confute all his theories and that was the silliest thing he had done in... ages. “I’m Kang Seungyoon, by the way”, he offered him his hand and smiled when he shook it.
The guy tried to break their contact, wincing, but Seungyoon tightened his grasp. “And you are…?”
“Nam Taehyun”.
“It’s a pleasure”, he set him free and noticed how Taehyun was glad to get his hand back. Seungyoon guessed he didn’t enjoy touching random strangers, which was more than normal, but there was something in his manners that made him think he was actually rather awkward than simply cold. He might have a chance to make him talk, if he played it right.
“Perhaps I’ve bothered you, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to”.
Taehyun raised his eyes on him, a glint of interest in them. “You should have known better”.
“Yeah. I was just curious... you looked lonely”, he paused. “But probably you just wanted to be like that”. He shrugged his shoulders and tilted his head, looking up at him. “Well, have a good day, Nam Taehyun”.
“W-wait”. Taehyun pursued his lips and folded his arms on his chest, squeezing the now forgotten book in-between. He frowned again, as if he wasn’t sure of what to say. “I’ve seen you before. Last time, when I was feeding some kittens”.
Seungyoon chuckled. He remembered. Seungyoon wasn’t expecting he would be the one to bring up this, not at all; but in the end he didn’t know Taehyun enough to have the right to suppose something. “Yes, I know. But we’ve met before that, you were buying some coffee and you dropped your coins all over the floor. I helped you”.
This way he could pull Taehyun out from the embarrassment of being the first one mentioning their previous meeting. Taehyun looked surprised, as he couldn’t picture him as someone who would remember such a thing - Seungyoon most probably looked like the worst, greasiest flirt on earth to him, at least until now - and he cracked his first smile of the day.
Seungyoon knew he was done.
Sure, he needed something more substantial - like know his personality a bit, his orientation, if he enjoyed stupid noisy blockbusters or preferred suave art movies, what he studied, his dreams and aspirations and... bullshit - but Seungyoon just knew that he had fallen like a fool. Indeed, he was no better than others.
He just wanted to see that smile for a very long time.
Taehyun’s major was Photography.
One day, Seungyoon saw him sitting on one of the benches of the campus, legs brought up to his chest and a camera resting on his knees, and he just went straight to him. He settled by his side, smiling, and Taehyun curled up his lips softly in response.
Taehyun was probably the first one he had ever met to be so slow in opening up, but Seungyoon didn’t mind it all. Actually, he was just glad he didn’t send him away - he took that as a good sign, as much as his accepting silence. There was something totally comfortable in just staying next to him and look at the wind blowing through the yellow and orange leaves, in perfect quiet. Seungyoon liked that.
Furthermore, he could see that Taehyun liked to be with him, too.
Taehyun fidgeted with his camera. “You’re the first person who doesn’t ask me to take a photo: usually, everyone who knows what I study expects me to use them as models. That’s annoying”.
Seungyoon giggled. “I was actually dying to ask you, but I thought you might dislike that”.
Taehyun looked at him, grinning. “You must know me better than I thought”. He paused, his eyes wandering on Seungyoon’s face. Seungyoon prided himself to understand him quite well, even if they knew each other for a short period, yet sometimes, when Taehyun looked at him, he really couldn’t understand what was that sparkle in his eyes. “It’s just that I don’t study photography to take photos of everyone or every place I see. Each shot I snap means something to me - might be a moment I want to remember or a person I want to cherish, a place special to me, or even something I just find pretty... it’s my choice to photograph that. I don’t like when it’s the other way around, people making decisions for me”.
Seungyoon nodded, sniggering. “You’re lucky I’m not like Mino, my best friend... he would totally pester you to take his best shots, getting in your way while he takes some weird pose”.
Taehyun just let out a small giggle, then. He raised his camera to his eye and looked at him through the lens, his finger ready to click the button. Seungyoon cutely posed for him, pouting, but Taehyun requested him a smile. “That looks best on you”. Seungyoon couldn’t help but comply, his eyes crinkling as a rush of happiness ran through his body.
“I thought you would only take pictures of something special for you”, Seungyoon teased him after he heard the mechanic click of the camera and Taehyun pulled it down.
Taehyun snorted, but didn’t look at him. “It’s to remember this moment”, Seungyoon beamed in joy and Taehyun added quickly: “To the first one who managed to not piss me off when I hold my camera”.
“It’s an achievement”.
“A very big one”, Taehyun nodded in agreement and Seungyoon laughed.
He liked the sound of that quite much: the first one, a moment to remember. Seungyoon was already into him more than he thought possible: there was something soft and irresistible, just under that rough attitude Taehyun always put on - something in the way he let him stay there with him, or in how he couldn’t hold his smile when Seungyoon looked at him with a laugh on his lips; something in how he never said things directly, but Seungyoon could understand him anyway; and some more, when Seungyoon found him with one or two cats on his lap, totally at peace with the world and himself.
Seungyoon knew he wasn’t entirely open with him, though. Taehyun was mysteriously quiet when it came to talk about himself; Seungyoon guessed he needed more time. However, it was way noisier when he started to talk about his passions: he loved to read and watch movies, exotic and spicy smells and r’n’b music - as he spoke about those things, Seungyoon could see him shrugging off all his self-control and follow the flow of the words and emotions, smiling more than he used to otherwise.
Seungyoon bumped his shoulder on his, teasingly. Taehyun backed off a bit, taken aback. “What?”
“I think you really like cats’ company way better than humans’”.
“It might be true”, there was something off in his voice but Seungyoon couldn’t pinpoint what. “You must feel honoured”.
To tell the truth, it had been thirty-five days since they met at that tree and, as much as he didn’t want to rise false hopes up, Seungyoon had this hard-to-die sensation that there was a 40% chance of Taehyun liking him.
He touched his forearm with his hand, gripping on his skin slightly, and Taehyun jumped away like he had been electrocuted.
Taehyun was avoiding any possible contact with him and that was no news to Seungyoon - what was upsettingly odd was how he exclusively did it to him. He had shaken the hand of a boy, three days ago, and patted one of his colleague’s back a week before. It was Seungyoon and Seungyoon only.
Maybe that probability was up to 42%. It was a very promising number, but Seungyoon didn’t want to get excited like that when all he had were assumptions and glimpses of Taehyun tenderly caring for him.
“I thought... would you mind to meet my friends? I promise they’re fine. More or less. A bit noisy, but they’re nice”. Taehyun stared at him in astonishment. “I mean, if you want to... I just, I never saw you with anyone else and I - maybe I was too much?”
“No, it’s ok. Sure”.
48% - Seungyoon’s heart raced.
It had to be 20%. Seungyoon rectified the hypothesis in his mind with an inner grump, as he watched the scene unfolding before his eyes.
He had invited Taehyun to have drinks with his friends because he had noticed how much of a loner the guy truly was. Seungyoon was pretty sure Taehyun liked it that way - he never looked like he needed someone else in his life, completely independent and confident in everything concerning himself - but Seungyoon also had the suspicion he wouldn’t mind some new friends. Taehyun just never bothered to look for them, yet this didn’t mean he didn’t care at all.
(Moreover, Seungyoon wanted him to meet his special persons, because he cared for him pretty much, it didn't matter if nothing had happened between them like other people would assume. They weren’t together, but he felt like they were in a way he couldn’t explain with words. As they were two perfectly fitting pieces of a puzzle he never knew he was part of - and Taehyun was the matching half he had always needed, without knowing)
And indeed, Taehyun was like a happy baby around Seungyoon’s friends. They had clicked together in few seconds and the night had been an escalation of laughs for them and sulky desperation for Seungyoon.
Seungyoon just couldn’t help but be jealous of how Mino kept making Taehyun laugh with his jokes and anecdotes or how Jinwoo had managed to get Taehyun in his arms just after five minutes, being the touchy hyung he had always been. Even Seunghoon, who didn’t get along with everyone that easily, had declared that he liked this guy and teased him during the dinner.
“So Seungyoon ran to his morning lecture without even changing his clothes from the night before, half-drunk and still sick for the alcohol and the smoke we had, and you know what?”
Taehyun asked him what, a perfect spectator to Mino’s show.
“He had an autopsy that morning”, Mino’s words hanged in the air, he widened his smile in a sickening way, playing with his face as he always did, a showman till the very end. “He had to tell the professor he needed to go the bathroom before he started and he just threw his soul out. ‘That was the most logic thing to do’ he said later. Nerdy to the core”.
Taehyun burst out in laughter and steadied his shaking self with a hand on Mino’s shoulder. “T-that’s so… Seungyoon”, he managed to say between giggles and looked at Seungyoon as he did so, a certain spark in his eyes as he smiled broadly. Seungyoon’s heart missed a beat - 25%, maybe? Taehyun’s eyes were full of something he didn’t know how to grasp.
Then Taehyun turned to Mino, ready to listen to another one of his stories, and Seungyoon deflated, a 15% stuck in his mind in cubital characters. He downed his drink and tried to not be too hurt - by Jinwoo’s hand on Taehyun’s arm or Taehyun casually patting Mino’s back - but there was no help when his feelings were involved.
Nothing was easy when there weren’t exact scientific rules to explain every cause and effect, every event and reason behind it. Love was just like that.
Later, they dropped Taehyun at his place and waited until he got safely to the door like very responsible and diligent boys. After they were sure he was far enough, the entire car busted in a mess of snickers and joyful screams and silly words Seungyoon couldn’t really catch up.
“Calm down, guys”, Seungyoon had to shut them up with his best nagging tone. “What the fuck are you doing? Did I miss something?”
“Oh, indeed you did”, Mino laughed from the front seat, turning to face him with a grin Seungyoon wanted to punch just a little too much at the moment.
“Man, you were so obvious I still wonder how we were able to not laugh at you the whole time”, Seunghoon elbowed him in his side and Jinwoo added: “Seriously, Seungyoon, I think I could get killed by your jealous stare”.
“You-“, Seungyoon started angrily, but then sighed deeply, defeated by the dorkiness of his friends. “I’ve never been good at pretending I don’t care, you know”.
“You must like him so much”, Mino chanted happily, bouncing in his seat. “And I think he’s pretty fond of you too”.
“You don’t know, man”, Seungyoon scratched his head, now a bit desperate as this was the time to be honest with his friends. They looked at him with big smiles. “I think he might like me, but not the same way I do”.
Seunghoon patted him on his shoulder. “Well, it’s always a thin blurred line between friendship and something else until your speak your heart out. But as much as we tried our best to make him comfortable because we care about you - never mind our sadistic play to make you jealous as fuck - Taehyun tried his best to be liked by us. And you know because of whom”.
Seungyoon swallowed that lesson with a lighter heart.
Winter came without Seungyoon noticing it. He had so many things going on to think about - actually just one called Nam Taehyun; him and an endless list of details about him he had treasured in the back of his mind.
The way Taehyun waved his hands while he talked of a new song or movie he loved - the perfect, breath-taking smile he had as he got carried by the words and he pulled down this wall he always put on between him and Seungyoon; the way Taehyun lived in an artsy world he did not share with anyone, but he always remembered to show to Seungyoon; the way he knew Seungyoon would listen - to his silence, not only to his words - and how he found pleasure in explaining him the details behind an apparently simple photo, the stories of the people he had decided to portrait, the places he had seen. The way Taehyun turned red when Seungyoon let out a tad too much flirtatious remark and how he covered it up with a dry cough; how his eyes lingered on Seungyoon when he thought he wasn’t watching, while Seungyoon was just pretending to be studying the biggest and most difficult book about pathogens on earth; the way Taehyun was, in every little detail, and how it made Seungyoon’s heart ache but beat at the same time.
So winter and its cold hungry digits seeping through his clothes weren’t that relevant, not when Seungyoon burnt in an unspoken love.
He had learnt to know Taehyun too much, but equally not enough, so he was aware there was some kind of problem between them, by how Taehyun didn’t let him come too closer and avoided to look in his eyes for too long. Yet he didn’t have the courage to bring it on; it was easier to close his eyes and ignore it, as long as he could stay by his side and Taehyun could come back to him, every day.
They met at 9 AM at the cafeteria, or in the library when Seungyoon was submerged by study and Taehyun was bored; at lunchtime in a warm corner of the Medicine faculty or at night when Mino decided they had to hang out with him.
It was one of those times they had a free hour before lunch when Seungyoon asked Taehyun if he could accompany him during his work.
Taehyun commented about how clear the sky was today, because the air was extremely cold and the wind blew swiftly, and how it was a perfect day to take the photos he wanted. Who cared about the mandatory lecture about parasites Seungyoon had right after lunch, he felt like he needed to see him in his own habitat - he wanted to glimpse that other, still unknown side of Taehyun so badly that he couldn’t stop his words to slip away from his mouth.
“Then can I come with you? See you at work”, Seungyoon smiled with everything he had, putting on his best puppy face. Taehyun just looked at him, puzzled and incredulous. He had to shake his head for a moment to go back to his emotionless expression, but the surprise was still slanting his eyebrows up in a never-ending question.
“Ok”, a hint of undeniable happiness in his voice. “We’ve to go back to my place though, I don’t have the proper equipment with me”.
They walked quickly, each one enveloped in his silence. Seungyoon realized he was finally going to find out whether his first hypothesis was right - Taehyun living in his neighbour - and he wasn’t that surprised when they stepped in a building at just five blocks from his place. He rejoiced for his success, dancing dorkily as they climbed the stairs.
He chuckled when he noticed some cats gathered at the door of Taehyun’s apartment, all sitting straight on the linoleum floor as they were waiting for him. Taehyun patted each one of them before he unlocked the door and stepped inside, waving at Seungyoon to tag along.
The claustrophobically small and impersonal doorway was followed by the only big room of the flat: a living room, kitchen and bedroom all in one. Seungyoon carefully avoided looking at the unmade bed on the right corner, feeling a lump in his throat for the slight idea of it. He looked around, hovering over the piles of books perfectly framing the head of the bed by both sides, then the small table for two right at his left, a finished carton of milk on the varnished wood; eventually his eyes fell on the collection of photos all hung up on the wall right in front of him.
“I’ll be back in a minute, I must feed the cats”, Taehyun hurried up from the kitchenette on the left, carrying few cans in his hands. Seungyoon hummed a response and got closer to the wall, uncontrollably attracted by the composition. He was sure it was Taehyun’s. Everything spoke of him in a subtle yet neat way - someone else might not notice it, but Seungyoon knew him enough to see his touch in each photo covering that white wall with colours and emotions.
The pictures on the last row, right under the roof, were of red-flamed sunsets and pink-dewed dawns, slate-coloured storms and snowy clouds; of rainbows and rain and kites carrying secrets to the sky. The second row was bursting with urban landscapes and their city at every hour, light and palette, snaps of those corners he had always overlooked, but Taehyun had managed to capture and show in a click. Under that, there was such a chaotic yet beautiful splash of life, of faces and parties and stories you could tell in just one photo, of hands and kisses and hugs, of loss and grieving and lack - and there, right in the centre-
There was Seungyoon.
The photo Taehyun took the first time Seungyoon saw him with a camera in his hands.
It was taken in autumn and right before noon, so the picture was a blend of warm yellows and oranges, from the leaves behind Seungyoon to the very light that brightened up his face. Taehyun had captured his smile but not only that; you could see the joyful acceptance on Seungyoon’s face and his eyes sparkling with affectionate love.
Seungyoon was bare in Taehyun’s eyes.
“These cats, one day I’ll give up on them and let them starve to death”, Taehyun entered the room, hissing for a painful new long scratch on the back of his left hand. “I need to disinfect it but then we’re ready to go - Seungyoon?”
Seungyoon heard him come closer. “Ah, you were watching this?” he chuckled. “Do you like it? It took a long time to assemble it and it’s never definitive, I like to change some details when I take new photos and I want to-“, but then he fell silent and Seungyoon knew he had realized what he had seen.
Seungyoon turned to face him. Taehyun shifted his eyes from him to his picture to him again, quickly and unfocused. Seungyoon could see the anxiety building up in him, as he looked for a decent excuse to save himself. “I... that photo is very nice. It fitted well with the others in the composition, I thought-“
“Yes, I know”. Seungyoon struggled to say, his voice a low, ragged breath, half-caught in his throat by the emotion that was overtaking him. “Go clean yourself”.
He didn’t offer his expert help, he knew Taehyun wouldn’t let him anyway. He just stood there, his heart clutching in his chest as he tried to rationalize everything he had seen. Failing, because he had reached the point of no return where there were no more numbers or laws to explain what he felt.
He loved Nam Taehyun so much.
And he had this amount of reasons for he could assume it wasn’t a one-sided love - until today, he even had that silly count about probabilities, but now he had lost it all, his last thread of logic gone along with his coolheaded attitude.
However he knew - he just did - that he couldn’t force Taehyun in anything he disliked. Taehyun didn’t want to talk about it, whatever he may or not may feel, so there was not much he could do but linger in this state of aching, incomplete happiness.
“I gave this granny a series of portraits to make her open the front door for me whenever I need it... you have to see the view from this building. The city. Everything”, the crack of passion in his voice didn’t cover the tension underneath, but Seungyoon couldn’t blame him for that. “There is something special about this place”.
And Taehyun was going to share it with him. Seungyoon smiled, staring at his back as they went up to the rooftop. It was one of those things that made his heart inflate with love: the way Taehyun cared for him to the point of always coming back to him, giving him parts of himself that he never showed to anyone else.
They reached the rooftop and set everything in place, waiting for the sunset. “It’s winter so it won’t take too long”, Taehyun said as he positioned his camera on the tripod. “All we have to do is to look”. He waved at the city under their feet, a small smile tugging the corners of his mouth.
Seungyoon walked to the edge of the roof, breathing in the chill air of the afternoon and studying the view ahead: the horizontal and vertical lines of the buildings, dark against the blue of the sky; the cars running on the big ring road, flashes of red and grey and black; the hints of green around, from some balconies and some small parks, still too few compared to the neutral cold grey of concrete; and a certain shade of life that Seungyoon couldn’t classify, here and there in the jam-packed city.
Taehyun was by his side and he was smiling. Seungyoon thought that he was beautiful and he wanted him like never before, but found his wish pointless, for in that shared moment they were just one. It was like this when you told something only yours to another person, anyway.
“I’ve always wondered why you like this so much. I mean, photos of the city from this angle and height. I saw you like to photograph details and faces too, which is the contrary of this... I was curious”.
“Don’t you wanna guess?” Taehyun’s face was hopeful and worried at the same time.
“I find that guessing and assuming can be counterproductive. I want you to tell me”. Seungyoon had enough of everything related to deductions. This time he just wanted to accept everything Taehyun had to say.
“Ok”. Taehyun looked around, breathing deeply as he tried to find the right words. “I really... I think you can be a little biased when you go straight to the core of things. If you just look to details, you might miss the contours, the bigger plan. It’s the same with photography. My photos aren’t just pretty pictures, not all the time at least. I told you I like to capture what it’s important to me. The emotions and stories on a face, its wrinkles, its past written all over the skin can be one - but there is story in a city too, like there is a human being. I’d like to remember it, to see it through my lens and understand it. I’m not good- sometimes I’m not good at grasping everything by just being there, I need to put a lens in-between to catch what it’s before my eyes”.
Seungyoon thought of the photo Taehyun took of him. He thought of the love he had seen in that shot and wondered if it was his or Taehyun’s. Probably both.
“I find peace and beauty in this. And... I love contradictions. Life would be too boring if we stuck all the time to just one thing. I become richer every time I get out from my comfort zone”.
Seungyoon wanted to ask if he could do it once more, for the two of them. If he could just step out from whenever he was now and try. He was sure they could get through it together, whatever his problem was. Instead, he said: “Then, would you let me take a photo with your very precious camera?”
Taehyun winced. “Hell no”.
Seungyoon pouted. “Out of the comfort zone, Nam Taehyun!”
He walked around, pondering his request. “Ok, just one. And be careful. I mean it”. There was a threating tone in his voice and Seungyoon couldn’t help but chuckle.
The sun was almost at the horizon, now, and the sky was turning orange and pink, painting the city with a bright surreal colour. Taehyun watched him as he carefully took his camera in his hands and then turned to look again at the view. “Please, stay like that a little more”, Seungyoon whispered gently, unheard by Taehyun, as he picked the right shot to photograph: Taehyun’s back and the city behind him.
It was almost perfect, but something was missing. Seungyoon called him out and caught that moment: Taehyun turning to face him, a surprised expression on his brow, and the black city and burning sky as his stage.
“This is mine”, Seungyoon giggled as Taehyun took his camera from him and placed it in its rightful spot. “Next time, let’s take some photos together, shall we?”
“Sure”, he said wryly, glancing at him with amusement. “You can bet on that”.
“I’m serious”.
“We’ll see. Now it’s time”.
Taehyun started to work in perfect silent, completely focused on a world only he could see, and Seungyoon sat on the floor, looking at him the whole time.
In the end, Seungyoon managed to drag Taehyun to a photo booth.
They picked up a strange pattern to put as background and started to pose weirdly, making faces at the camera. Seungyoon cling on Taehyun, bringing him closer to him - “It’s for the photos”, he said - and laughed as Taehyun creased his face and pouted his lips in the oddest way.
Seungyoon didn’t know what he was thinking when he decided to kiss Taehyun’s cheek. To be very honest, he could explain it as just one of those idiot behaviours a man in love can assume - he was ok one moment, and the other he had this devastating need to hold him closer, to touch his skin. It wasn’t that new, but this time he couldn’t restrain himself.
Taehyun did it for him, though. He raised a hand to block him from coming closer, smiling awkwardly as he pushed softly on his chest.
The flash of the camera startled Seungyoon and made him realize he’d done something he promised he would never do: he had imposed himself on Taehyun. This was also the instant he decided to run away.
What was left of that moment of weakness was a double set of photos Taehyun hang right on his bed, so he could look at them before he drifted into slumber every night.
Seungyoon learnt how to avoid Taehyun. He had always been the one looking for him, most of the time, and it was funny how he now ran straight from class to class to not be spotted by him, or how he changed his habit of going to the cafeteria or the library because he knew Taehyun could be there.
“Dear lord, you’re being the king of chickens, Kang Seungyoon. I’m gonna do a videogame about how much of a chicken you can be” - that had been the comment of his best friend, Mino.
“Seriously though, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Jinwoo badmouthing him had made Seungyoon jump in surprise, rather than make him feel guilty of cowardice. He already knew he was a spineless, hopeless man at the moment.
“Kang Seungyoon, you’re gonna get your man or I’m gonna kick your ass so hard you won’t have any more pleasure to take-”, Seungyoon had slapped his mouth before Seunghoon could complete the sentence.
“I’ve already tried to tell you that I’m just having a phase. A moment. I need to be alone, I need to get my shit together because I can’t apparently control my urges when I’m with Taehyun and this is not what I want to happen. You know, I want to learn how to get over my feelings before I go back to him because I’d rather give up on my love than him. I don’t want to lose him”, this made his chest hurt hollowly, “I don’t want to lose him. I can’t. So I just need a little more time of me being an ass, a coward, a chicken, a piece of shit before I go back to him with a proper smile on my face so he won’t get worried. I sent him some texts, you know, I told him I need a bit of room and time for myself and I’m sorry I can’t be with him as a friend for now, but I really - I told him I have to study for my exams, which is also true, so would you please leave me alone and let me breath because this-“
He inhaled hardly as he looked down at his feet.
“This has to be fine. For us”.
So he kept going on like that, even if Jinwoo constantly told him that Taehyun was looking for him and he received some texts he was not going to read at all (but he ended up opening them one night and then read them every day before sleeping, a hand on his clutching heart as he could see the hurt and feel of betrayal in Taehyun’s words). He went on without looking at what he had beside, his eyes set to a very next future when he’d be ready to face him again and ask forgiveness for an impulsive act he had never meant to do.
He had to be right, they had to be fine.
So he decided to sacrifice his heart to be sure Taehyun could be happy as he was before, in his comfort zone with a nice thick and invisible wall between their two bodies. He had to.
Seungyoon had tried to understand what was the issue behind it, months ago. Could Taehyun suffer of some sort of anxiety he didn’t know about? Yet he was ok with touching other people, Seungyoon was the only exception. In the end he had gave up, supposing he would tell him one day.
Seungyoon went on like this until spring. The whole word was blossoming around him, chanting an hymn to life and its beauty, but he felt like a withered lost soul in that mess of colours he couldn’t blend in.
Every time he saw one of those plastic bowls full of milk in the corner of some street, he could feel as Taehyun was still with him. He never really left him, even if now he wasn’t texting him anymore, probably pissed off to the point of just giving up on the hope he would get a decent explanation by Seungyoon.
It was one of those days when Seungyoon felt especially blue that he got back home and found Taehyun on his bed.
“What- what’s this sorcery?”
“Jinwoo hyung told me I could wait for you in your room”, Taehyun’s voice was cold and sharp even by saying those quite neutral words and Seungyoon winced in pain, seeing how much he had affected Taehyun even if he didn’t mean to. Taehyun was way more beautiful than he remembered, too. He longed for him every day, but having him right there made it even worse.
“I wasn’t expecting you”.
“Well, I thought I had waited enough”. Still hardness in his voice. Seungyoon gave him his back as he dropped his bag on the chair next to his desk and fidgeted with its zipper to gain some time. He wasn’t ready to face him.
“Seungyoon?” Taehyun called him but he ignored him, gripping the fabric of his jeans as he tried to be calm. “Don’t you think I deserve some sort of explanation? I understand you had exams to pass - something every student in the world has, by the way - but you didn’t contact me for two months”.
Seungyoon just shook his head. He really was the worst coward - this wasn’t him, his usual self, this wasn’t Seungyoon. He sighed.
“Seung-fucking-yoon, do you think I’m some sort of toy you can play with one day and throw away the next day?”
Seungyoon shook his head again, this time to tell him he wasn’t.
“Talk to me”.
“I… I’ve never ever thought like that, Taehyun. I was busy and stressed, you don’t know how much of a whiny nag I can become during my exam session”.
“I don’t know ‘cause you didn’t let me. You didn’t show up anymore, you didn’t reply my texts and you just left me behind without a decent excuse to let me at least delude myself on how you cared about me”.
“That’s not true, you know I care about you”, Seungyoon’s voice wasn’t a whisper anymore, although it didn’t reach the pitch of Taehyun’s. He couldn’t blame him if he wanted to yell at him, anyway.
“You? Care? Then why did you just- why did you gave up on me?”
Seungyoon turned to face him, feeling himself shaking for all the emotions he had bottled up in those months and that were now ready to burst out. “I didn’t give up on you! I did this for you”.
Taehyun was puzzled, his face showing every little change of emotion. The hurt Seungyoon had heard in his voice was still there, in his eyes. The same he had noticed the very first time they met. “You did this for me”.
“Yes”.
“Don’t you dare fool me, Kang Seungyoon, I don’t believe you and your - what is this - shitty scapegoat play you’re putting on. You left me and I just couldn’t believe you could, after all we had”.
“I- I just tried to help you, Taehyun. I didn’t want to hurt you”, he found himself screaming.
“Oh well, you know what?” he winced and then grinned painfully, “You did very well in hurting me. I counted on you like I never did with anyone else in this world”, his voice got lower as he tried to recollect himself without much success, “I showed you everything I had because I trusted you. I- I wanted to share every little stupid thing of my life with you, but you just ran away and abandoned me”.
“I had to. I had to go away to not lose you”, Seungyoon could feel tears welling in his eyes, but he didn’t want to cry, he just wanted to say what he felt without confessing, even if it was almost impossible. “I didn’t want to put you in distress. I knew you didn’t want to- I know you had some kind of problem with me and I just didn’t want to force you, but it hurt so much and I wasn’t strong enough to behave, I guess... I guess”, he lost his voice and just sighed, tears falling silently on his cheeks. He hid his face behind his arm.
Taehyun was silent for a very long moment. “So it was this”.
Seungyoon nodded in his tears, his hands now covering his face. Dear lord, how he ended up here, crying shamelessly like a baby in front of the man he loved? He had some things to work on as soon as Taehyun left him, like how to not be a drama queen or simply be a cooler guy.
“So you just... you wanted to do something, but you couldn’t because you feared it might hurt me?”
Seungyoon nodded again.
“And that something was the same thing you almost did last time?”
“Well, sort of”.
Taehyun chuckled. Seungyoon peeked through his fingers to see him start laughing like a crazy man, rolling on his bed as he held his belly with his hands. Seungyoon stopped crying for the shock.
“What are you doing?”
“Oh, Seungyoon, I’m so happy”, Taehyun said before he sprang from the bed and reached for him. He hugged him with his whole body, fully and passionately, and Seungyoon stood stone-like, too surprised by the sudden action and even more because it was Taehyun doing it. Touching him, hugging him. Maybe he had smoked some sort of freaking-strong weed and he couldn’t remember it, so now he was hallucinating.
“We’ve been so stupid”, Taehyun said right on his mouth before he kissed him.
Well, if he was hallucinating, Seungyoon had to enjoy it till the end. He cupped his face with his hands and drowned in his kiss, finally enjoying the feel of his mouth over his. Taehyun tasted of candies and milk and cinnamon and his lips were heaven on earth, soothing Seungyoon’s hurt soul like nothing else could do.
The kiss was sweet and slow, as they learnt to feel the other one.
Seungyoon breathed on his skin, a bit dizzy, and kissed his chin and cheek, trailing every line of the face he had longed to touch for a very long time. Taehyun giggled for the ticklish sensation, resting his hands on his nape and leaning on him again, to capture his lips in another kiss.
This time, Seungyoon nipped his lips to have access to his mouth. He lazily twirled his tongue around Taehyun’s, savouring every moment without hunger. It was then that he heard an odd pop close to his ears, so he opened his eyes to check what it was, but Taehyun clung on him with a newfound need.
Seungyoon was pushed to his desk without having the time to realize it. He lost himself in Taehyun’s arms, as he kissed him hardly and tried to feel him more. Seungyoon put a hand on his lower back, to bring him impossibly close, and gulped in surprise when he touched something... warm and furry.
He opened his eyes again and pushed Taehyun away. Far enough to see him.
“This…”
Taehyun frowned and then nodded, sighing. “Yes”.
“So this is why you... you didn’t want to-”
“Right. But I couldn’t really stop myself to keep looking for you, to stay by your side and wish for more every time we met. I couldn’t help my feelings”.
“Yet you were scared I might…”
Taehyun bobbed his head twice, this time smiling. “But I decided I could trust you a very long time ago. I wasn’t brave enough to speak up, though”.
Seungyoon sighed and looked at him, unsure of what to do now. He had never expected something like this, most probably because this wasn’t logical or scientific or even possible, yet Taehyun was right before his eyes and he couldn’t deny it. Nam Taehyun was here in his room, they had kissed (and they liked each other quite a lot) and now he had a pair of black cat ears and a long thick tail to complete the picture.
Or probably, to mess it all up.
*
( part II)
Summer had come in a rush, leaving people chocking in a bubble of sultry heat and relying on those brief seasonal storms to catch a most-deserved breathe.
Seungyoon fought against his wish to let himself die on the mattress in a pool of sweat and the laziness residing in every cell of his body, managing to get up and go out to hunt down some food. He wandered around, empty streets welcoming him in desolation.
He stopped at a coffee shop, rejoicing the cold waft of air conditioning as he stepped inside to stuff himself with cinnamon buns and iced vanilla latte (the only thought of buying something else, something he might have to cook or just warm up, made him feel like throwing up). Seungyoon waited his turn, bobbing his head and softly tapping his foot on the ground to the music playing in the shop. He had to resist the urge of jamming along too hard.
The guy before him was making his order and Seungyoon impatiently shifted on his feet, muttering the song between his teeth. He watched the boy pulling out his wallet - the silky wave of his hair as he moved, the nicely-fitted shape of his shoulders as he bent down - and saw the coins falling from his hand and scattering all around. He automatically stooped to help him pick up his money, earning a muffled thank you from the stranger.
He halted when he noticed the back of his hands: raw, long and thin scratches all over the skin caught his attention, as well as how big those hands actually were. Seungyoon reached out to give him his coins and then finally raised his eyes, meeting his stare.
He had an unforgettable face and an even more unforgettable pair of cat eyes: dark and deep, Seungyoon lost himself in them for a second. He cleared his throat in an attempt to go back to what he was doing - what, really? - and he deflated as the guy thanked him again and turned to pay his iced caramel macchiato with an extra shot of milk. Seungyoon had to force himself to stand up and go back to his composure.
He ate three cinnamon buns and a coconut donut and downed two iced vanilla lattes before he thought he had too many sweets for lunch (and a lifetime), but to tell the truth he couldn’t feel completely satisfied and he had the suspect it was because of that stranger. He liked - he loved to blame the hot weather: it was driving him crazy, playing with his mind and making him feel inexplicable unwanted tingles through his entire body.
It was its fault once again when that night he dreamed of him.
Seungyoon finally emerged from the dark pit of desperation, built up by sleepless nights spent on books and the almost certainty of having lost part of his sanity when the thermometer reached 40° C, two days before. He sang his rebirth under a cold shower and found a long-forgotten happiness in being perfectly shaved. His nerves were still jolted for the stress of preparing for two exams, but the unavoidable tragedy of having one of them just after lunch had brought him to a strange sort of acceptance.
He walked to the nearest market, a plan unfolding in his mind: eat two of his favourite ice creams, drink icy oolong tea on the counter by the window and then head to the university in perfect time. He whistled a song he was obsessed with as he got there, moving his fingers along - he tapped the front door and the food-packed shelves, tracing his path until he reached the refrigerator section and filled his hands with his lunch.
Seungyoon didn’t want to believe in fate as a fixed thing - coincidences were bound to happen, sometimes, but he didn’t like the idea of getting excited, of assuming there was something predestined behind what was, in the end, a casual meeting. There was no hidden meaning in something that could easily fit in statistics.
He liked to think he had a (undefined, thin or maybe not so small) degree of scope to make his own destiny. He could make those coincidences become a start; or not. Choose what to do.
Thus when he saw him - the same shade of auburn on his hair, the same nicely-shaped shoulders and such a long neck he didn’t notice the first time; a white loose tee that left his sturdy arms free and a pair of very suggestive shorts that covered up just half of his thighs - Seungyoon tried to save his sinking ship of practicality with a quick calculation of the probabilities of meeting each other again. He assumed he lived there, in his neighbour, and that decreased the number of variables involved: it kind of made sense, that way.
What didn’t make sense at all was how Seungyoon dumped his lunch and followed him outside. The guy seemed oblivious of his presence, humming a mellow tune as he swung the plastic bag in his right hand. Seungyoon noticed the white earbuds in his ears and the same scratches from last time on his forearms and his legs too; and, as he fell into his pace, he noticed the way he walked, how he almost leapt at every step, barely pinning on his toes. Agile, light.
He stopped just in time to not be seen when the guy suddenly dropped his bag on the ground and emptied its contents on the sidewalk: he opened the carton of milk he had bought on the store and placed a plastic bowl next to a streetlamp, filling it to the brim. He sat on his heels, drinking the rest hungrily. At that very moment, Seungyoon thought he was witnessing the secret life of a stray cat eating his lunch - at that, his belly grumbled achingly.
He wasn’t that surprised when a bunch of kittens came out from the corner of the street and meowed at the guy just before devouring the milk. Seungyoon smiled while the guy ran his fingers on the back of the bigger one of the litter, rubbing it lightly with his nails and giggling in delight. He looked completely lost in his own world, unbothered by anything that wasn’t what he was sharing with those kittens - Seungyoon now knew why he was covered by scratches and couldn’t help but smile with him.
There was something extremely soft and caring in the way the guy sat next to them and let one of the kittens cuddle on his lap, purring as he caressed behind its ears. Seungyoon’s smile widened and his guts knotted - dear lord, he was really doomed, no, actually he was sure the hot sun had just fried the last functioning neurons of his brain, it had to be so -
Then, the guy looked at him. He might have felt Seungyoon’s gaze on him or something like that, because his eyes were right on Seungyoon’s. Firm and curious, he stared at him and Seungyoon naturally stepped back, feeling guilty all at once. Could that be defined stalking? No, he was exaggerating like he always did when he was taken red handed - he had just followed him because of something he couldn’t pinpoint, but he had no bad intentions.
The guy tilted his head and studied him from his spot on the sidewalk, two of the kittens now curled up on his thighs and a third licking his knee. Seungyoon wondered if he could read his conflict right on his face, because for his part he could already feel his hands sweating and his heart beating furiously against his ribcage, traitor signs of his uneasiness.
He didn’t know how to break the spell between them and run away, transfixed by his eyes; so he just breathed unevenly, hugging himself as he felt a different kind of warmth burning his skin and consuming his oxygen quicker than usual.
When one of the kittens decided that the guy wasn’t paying enough attention and bit his calf playfully, making him curse and look at the culprit, Seungyoon took his chance to fly. He gave him his back and walked away as fast as possible. He could feel his eyes boring his skin, but he didn’t turn to check.
As he headed to the university - his belly asking for food, his body completely soaked in cold sweat, and a painful vein pulsing right on the side of his head - Seungyoon realized he had literally wasted his lunchtime for someone he didn’t even know, someone he had met twice in the span of a month and that he apparently was attracted to without a specific reason. It might be called love at first sight, but he believed love was something that required more than just few minutes together - sometimes, it needed a lifetime. So, he might call it simple attraction. That was fine; that was safe. Nevertheless, no matter how he tried to fight that stupid irrational side that many romantics liked to praise, he felt as that had to mean something. Not the casual meetings, which were more or less explainable by logic, but the feel he had right in his bones.
Seungyoon decided he had to check it out, he had to try and see where that could lead him to - if he could make those coincidences become the beginning of something new.
But first he had to find him again. And he actually had an exam to pass.
Autumn was welcomed by a ritual dance in the living room - Seungyoon ignored Jinwoo, his flatmate, and his complain and jumped all around the room, feeling like a better person now that he could wear a shirt without dreading the thickness of the fabric on his body.
This summer had been one of the busiest he could remember so far, between unavoidable exams and his best friend Mino, this one quite unescapable as well, dragging him at every party he could find. There had been so many distractions - the heat, first of all, and Mino himself with all his blabbing about how it was the time he found a fine gir- a fine boy, for his own sake; last, Jinwoo making him marathon tons of dramas with him - but Seungyoon was someone who couldn’t really let things slide. Not when those things - a guy with cat eyes and odd droopy eyebrows and a lovely long neck - were stuck in his mind.
He had to admit that more than once he had ended up wandering the neighbour, looking for him. He walked those streets like the man he wasn’t, guided more by instincts than sense, with the hope running through his veins and his heart crazily leaping in his chest; but in the end he wasn’t able to find him.
He had foreseen that: his first assumption was wrong, he had met him twice but it was totally casual, the guy wasn’t from his neighbour at all and Seungyoon had to live with something similar to regret pending on his neck, because he had chickened out when he could have just acted and talked to him.
And yet - it was August and he couldn’t stop tossing and turning in his bed, feeling trapped in a prison of hot and still air, so he decided he needed a walk - he found the same plastic bowl on the sidewalk of his street. Right under his window, to be more precise. And Seungyoon knew that, as silly as it could sound, that was a sign.
He spotted many bowls of milk left in strategic points and many cats drinking from there. Seungyoon just knew he was somewhere near and if he managed to be a tad more delusional, he could hope he’ll meet him soon.
“I can’t believe you won’t come to tonight’s party, that’s a must!”
“I have other plans”, Seungyoon gave Mino his back as he tried to walk away, but Mino chased after him briskly. Jinwoo had to quicken his pace to not lose them in the havoc of the campus at 12.30 AM.
“Like sulking in your room once again?”, Mino inquired.
“I have a theory”, Jinwoo said reaching them, his forefinger pointing up in a very comical way, “I think Seungyoon likes someone - oh, don’t be silly, your hyung can be perceptive too”, he ignored Seungyoon’s whine and went on, “or maybe it was the insistence you put in rolling up and down the living room’s floor, complaining about how it’s difficult to approach a nice guy, that made me think you could already have found someone you’re interested in”.
“You’ve a wild imagination”.
Mino’s jaw hanged open for few seconds, the shock obvious on his face as he theatrically fanned himself with his hands. “Do you mean our Seungyoon has seen the light?”
“Come on, it’s not even the first time”, he hissed, giving up the hope he could just walk off from that conversation unharmed.
Mino grinned, his smile so broad that Seungyoon feared it could break his face in two. “Well, but it’s been such a long time I thought you had banned any possible relationship from your life”.
“I had to study. Medicine students aren’t that free anyway, you know. We don’t go around making- what do you do, by the way? Games”.
“Videogames. Geez, Seungyoon, you’re so on the defensive I might think you’ve already professed your love to this guy and got rejected in the most atrocious way. Don’t tell me you sang him a serenade - don’t you tell me”.
“That would be so romantic”, Jinwoo’s eyes widened a bit more. “I saw something like this in a drama…”
“I didn’t sing anything to anyone. Actually, I don’t even know his name”.
“What?”, Mino and Jinwoo reacted the same way and Seungyoon sighed deeply. He should have just shut up as usual and let things slide, at least on the surface - be quiet while he had a chaos inside. He wasn’t that good at hiding his emotions, though. He had always been a bit obvious and he couldn’t really help it. Not as much as his two hyungs, if that could be of any comfort.
“So who is he? I mean how did you meet him? If you don’t even know his name, the chances of meeting him again are-“
“18%, to be precise. It’s not under the 5% because I’m pretty sure he lives in this neighbour, we’ve met twice; fairly assuming we’re the same age, there are more probabilities to meet up in some place where young people usually hang out”.
“This seems serious”, Jinwoo whispered, almost stumbling for the shock. “The last time he talked through numbers he had just passed the exam of Anatomy”.
“Do you think we need to call Seunghoon to make him… behave?”, Mino talked behind Seungyoon’s back, without loosening his tight hold on Seungyoon’s shoulder as they walked through the courtyard.
Jinwoo looked at him, worried. “Maybe he really needs his counsel”.
“Seungyoon...”, Mino wavered, “Are you sure… I mean, did you like him this much?”
“Well, I should find out first. First impressions are important, but not everything”.
“If I didn’t know you better I would say you just experienced love at first sight”.
“There is no such thing. That’s a silly idea they sell us to coat the truth - which is, humans can feel strong attraction to someone they find good-looking. There is no need to search a deeper, meaningless explanation”.
“You sound like an ass”.
“What I truly mean is something you might like even more than you want to admit: love needs time to grow, from attraction to affection to something more substantial”. Seungyoon abruptly stopped walking and fell quiet.
Mino and Jinwoo looked at each other, more puzzled than ever. This whole thing didn’t make sense at all and Seungyoon was almost driving them crazy. Should have they been happy for him, for finally being interested in someone after who knows how long, or just tell him to go to fuck off for being a nagging brat and a totally weirdo?
“What’s going on?”, Mino could only come up with that.
“For God’s sake, Seungyoon, you should stop being a drama queen”.
“Hyung, you’re the one who’s biting his own nails off”.
“You’re no better, look at your face”.
Seungyoon ignored them both, speechless. Not because this was impossible - he had a likelihood of 18% on his side, in the end, and that was a fair amount - but because he didn’t expect to see him just now. He had wished for it, but he didn’t hope in this much.
“There is really no two without a three. How fortunate”.
Seungyoon left his hyungs behind without a single explanation besides “I need to confirm my theory” and rushed to meet him.
Seungyoon couldn’t be called a cynic - on the contrary, he saw himself as a romantic with his own limitations. He just wasn’t easily tricked down the love lane, for he liked to be a smart-ass in everything he did and it was pretty stupid to believe something like such a deep emotion could start out of the blue. There was no point in thinking the attraction he felt for that guy was something more than that. He loved to be safe in those degrees of realism.
Yet - an in this he admitted himself he definitely, hopelessly was a sentimental soul - he valued love as one of those few things that made humans feel alive and be so much more; and he knew it needed time and room to blossom. Moreover, he couldn’t just stop thinking about him and, even if following his guts and not his brain was a stupid thing to do, he had decided weeks ago he just had to give it a try. Know him better and see.
(Because from what he knew, he already liked everything he had seen about him: the chemistry was there, making his heart beat in patterns he couldn’t call physiological, and he just loved the way the guy took care of those stray cats and how he had smiled that time, rubbing his hand on the kitten’s back).
So he spoke: “Cats must be very fond of you”.
The guy was sitting on a thick and gnarled tree, a book in his right hand, a grey cat right under his left one. He stopped reading - Confessions of a mask, black letters on white paperback - and looked at him from above. He hummed a yes, his eyes studying him for a small moment, and then went back to his book.
Jeez, Seungyoon wasn’t someone who got dejected easily but that was such a cold response even for his standards. Maybe that guy didn’t like to have people around (he certainly preferred cats’ company, of this Seungyoon was already quite sure).
Seungyoon stood in silence, looking at the scene: the cat was purring in contentment, rubbing his head on his thigh; he kept his eyes on the book quite intently but - Seungyoon grinned widely - he wasn’t reading at all, probably affected by his presence. Seungyoon could see his stare fixed on an indefinite point of the page, wavering on the same sentence for too long.
“Can I?” Seungyoon raised his hand to caress the cat but stopped midway as the pet hissed at him.
“It’s not domesticated”, the guy sneered wryly, “and not fond of strangers”.
Seungyoon pouted instinctively. “Must be jealous”, he smiled his most charming smile, hoping he would get his hint or at least show any emotion besides indifference.
He looked at him with his poker face and Seungyoon held his stare, still grinning. The guy was eerily attractive - the way no one could really resist him - but it was the depth of his gaze that made Seungyoon’s heart bumping wildly and his skin burning like he had just caught a viral fever.
Seungyoon waited until he looked away, uneasy. “Am I too handsome to look at?”
“No way”, the guy jolted in his sit, making the cat spring off his lap in an angry snarl. He muttered something between his teeth, a curse, and shifted his body so he could go back to the position he was before, his legs dangling from the bough he sat on. Seungyoon nodded assertively, enjoying his reaction. The guy stared at him once again and this time he furrowed his brow, no longer calm as before. It looked funny, his droopy eyebrows weirdly arched up to ask a question.
Seungyoon found that small detail very lovely. Oh, he was on his way to confute all his theories and that was the silliest thing he had done in... ages. “I’m Kang Seungyoon, by the way”, he offered him his hand and smiled when he shook it.
The guy tried to break their contact, wincing, but Seungyoon tightened his grasp. “And you are…?”
“Nam Taehyun”.
“It’s a pleasure”, he set him free and noticed how Taehyun was glad to get his hand back. Seungyoon guessed he didn’t enjoy touching random strangers, which was more than normal, but there was something in his manners that made him think he was actually rather awkward than simply cold. He might have a chance to make him talk, if he played it right.
“Perhaps I’ve bothered you, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to”.
Taehyun raised his eyes on him, a glint of interest in them. “You should have known better”.
“Yeah. I was just curious... you looked lonely”, he paused. “But probably you just wanted to be like that”. He shrugged his shoulders and tilted his head, looking up at him. “Well, have a good day, Nam Taehyun”.
“W-wait”. Taehyun pursued his lips and folded his arms on his chest, squeezing the now forgotten book in-between. He frowned again, as if he wasn’t sure of what to say. “I’ve seen you before. Last time, when I was feeding some kittens”.
Seungyoon chuckled. He remembered. Seungyoon wasn’t expecting he would be the one to bring up this, not at all; but in the end he didn’t know Taehyun enough to have the right to suppose something. “Yes, I know. But we’ve met before that, you were buying some coffee and you dropped your coins all over the floor. I helped you”.
This way he could pull Taehyun out from the embarrassment of being the first one mentioning their previous meeting. Taehyun looked surprised, as he couldn’t picture him as someone who would remember such a thing - Seungyoon most probably looked like the worst, greasiest flirt on earth to him, at least until now - and he cracked his first smile of the day.
Seungyoon knew he was done.
Sure, he needed something more substantial - like know his personality a bit, his orientation, if he enjoyed stupid noisy blockbusters or preferred suave art movies, what he studied, his dreams and aspirations and... bullshit - but Seungyoon just knew that he had fallen like a fool. Indeed, he was no better than others.
He just wanted to see that smile for a very long time.
Taehyun’s major was Photography.
One day, Seungyoon saw him sitting on one of the benches of the campus, legs brought up to his chest and a camera resting on his knees, and he just went straight to him. He settled by his side, smiling, and Taehyun curled up his lips softly in response.
Taehyun was probably the first one he had ever met to be so slow in opening up, but Seungyoon didn’t mind it all. Actually, he was just glad he didn’t send him away - he took that as a good sign, as much as his accepting silence. There was something totally comfortable in just staying next to him and look at the wind blowing through the yellow and orange leaves, in perfect quiet. Seungyoon liked that.
Furthermore, he could see that Taehyun liked to be with him, too.
Taehyun fidgeted with his camera. “You’re the first person who doesn’t ask me to take a photo: usually, everyone who knows what I study expects me to use them as models. That’s annoying”.
Seungyoon giggled. “I was actually dying to ask you, but I thought you might dislike that”.
Taehyun looked at him, grinning. “You must know me better than I thought”. He paused, his eyes wandering on Seungyoon’s face. Seungyoon prided himself to understand him quite well, even if they knew each other for a short period, yet sometimes, when Taehyun looked at him, he really couldn’t understand what was that sparkle in his eyes. “It’s just that I don’t study photography to take photos of everyone or every place I see. Each shot I snap means something to me - might be a moment I want to remember or a person I want to cherish, a place special to me, or even something I just find pretty... it’s my choice to photograph that. I don’t like when it’s the other way around, people making decisions for me”.
Seungyoon nodded, sniggering. “You’re lucky I’m not like Mino, my best friend... he would totally pester you to take his best shots, getting in your way while he takes some weird pose”.
Taehyun just let out a small giggle, then. He raised his camera to his eye and looked at him through the lens, his finger ready to click the button. Seungyoon cutely posed for him, pouting, but Taehyun requested him a smile. “That looks best on you”. Seungyoon couldn’t help but comply, his eyes crinkling as a rush of happiness ran through his body.
“I thought you would only take pictures of something special for you”, Seungyoon teased him after he heard the mechanic click of the camera and Taehyun pulled it down.
Taehyun snorted, but didn’t look at him. “It’s to remember this moment”, Seungyoon beamed in joy and Taehyun added quickly: “To the first one who managed to not piss me off when I hold my camera”.
“It’s an achievement”.
“A very big one”, Taehyun nodded in agreement and Seungyoon laughed.
He liked the sound of that quite much: the first one, a moment to remember. Seungyoon was already into him more than he thought possible: there was something soft and irresistible, just under that rough attitude Taehyun always put on - something in the way he let him stay there with him, or in how he couldn’t hold his smile when Seungyoon looked at him with a laugh on his lips; something in how he never said things directly, but Seungyoon could understand him anyway; and some more, when Seungyoon found him with one or two cats on his lap, totally at peace with the world and himself.
Seungyoon knew he wasn’t entirely open with him, though. Taehyun was mysteriously quiet when it came to talk about himself; Seungyoon guessed he needed more time. However, it was way noisier when he started to talk about his passions: he loved to read and watch movies, exotic and spicy smells and r’n’b music - as he spoke about those things, Seungyoon could see him shrugging off all his self-control and follow the flow of the words and emotions, smiling more than he used to otherwise.
Seungyoon bumped his shoulder on his, teasingly. Taehyun backed off a bit, taken aback. “What?”
“I think you really like cats’ company way better than humans’”.
“It might be true”, there was something off in his voice but Seungyoon couldn’t pinpoint what. “You must feel honoured”.
To tell the truth, it had been thirty-five days since they met at that tree and, as much as he didn’t want to rise false hopes up, Seungyoon had this hard-to-die sensation that there was a 40% chance of Taehyun liking him.
He touched his forearm with his hand, gripping on his skin slightly, and Taehyun jumped away like he had been electrocuted.
Taehyun was avoiding any possible contact with him and that was no news to Seungyoon - what was upsettingly odd was how he exclusively did it to him. He had shaken the hand of a boy, three days ago, and patted one of his colleague’s back a week before. It was Seungyoon and Seungyoon only.
Maybe that probability was up to 42%. It was a very promising number, but Seungyoon didn’t want to get excited like that when all he had were assumptions and glimpses of Taehyun tenderly caring for him.
“I thought... would you mind to meet my friends? I promise they’re fine. More or less. A bit noisy, but they’re nice”. Taehyun stared at him in astonishment. “I mean, if you want to... I just, I never saw you with anyone else and I - maybe I was too much?”
“No, it’s ok. Sure”.
48% - Seungyoon’s heart raced.
It had to be 20%. Seungyoon rectified the hypothesis in his mind with an inner grump, as he watched the scene unfolding before his eyes.
He had invited Taehyun to have drinks with his friends because he had noticed how much of a loner the guy truly was. Seungyoon was pretty sure Taehyun liked it that way - he never looked like he needed someone else in his life, completely independent and confident in everything concerning himself - but Seungyoon also had the suspicion he wouldn’t mind some new friends. Taehyun just never bothered to look for them, yet this didn’t mean he didn’t care at all.
(Moreover, Seungyoon wanted him to meet his special persons, because he cared for him pretty much, it didn't matter if nothing had happened between them like other people would assume. They weren’t together, but he felt like they were in a way he couldn’t explain with words. As they were two perfectly fitting pieces of a puzzle he never knew he was part of - and Taehyun was the matching half he had always needed, without knowing)
And indeed, Taehyun was like a happy baby around Seungyoon’s friends. They had clicked together in few seconds and the night had been an escalation of laughs for them and sulky desperation for Seungyoon.
Seungyoon just couldn’t help but be jealous of how Mino kept making Taehyun laugh with his jokes and anecdotes or how Jinwoo had managed to get Taehyun in his arms just after five minutes, being the touchy hyung he had always been. Even Seunghoon, who didn’t get along with everyone that easily, had declared that he liked this guy and teased him during the dinner.
“So Seungyoon ran to his morning lecture without even changing his clothes from the night before, half-drunk and still sick for the alcohol and the smoke we had, and you know what?”
Taehyun asked him what, a perfect spectator to Mino’s show.
“He had an autopsy that morning”, Mino’s words hanged in the air, he widened his smile in a sickening way, playing with his face as he always did, a showman till the very end. “He had to tell the professor he needed to go the bathroom before he started and he just threw his soul out. ‘That was the most logic thing to do’ he said later. Nerdy to the core”.
Taehyun burst out in laughter and steadied his shaking self with a hand on Mino’s shoulder. “T-that’s so… Seungyoon”, he managed to say between giggles and looked at Seungyoon as he did so, a certain spark in his eyes as he smiled broadly. Seungyoon’s heart missed a beat - 25%, maybe? Taehyun’s eyes were full of something he didn’t know how to grasp.
Then Taehyun turned to Mino, ready to listen to another one of his stories, and Seungyoon deflated, a 15% stuck in his mind in cubital characters. He downed his drink and tried to not be too hurt - by Jinwoo’s hand on Taehyun’s arm or Taehyun casually patting Mino’s back - but there was no help when his feelings were involved.
Nothing was easy when there weren’t exact scientific rules to explain every cause and effect, every event and reason behind it. Love was just like that.
Later, they dropped Taehyun at his place and waited until he got safely to the door like very responsible and diligent boys. After they were sure he was far enough, the entire car busted in a mess of snickers and joyful screams and silly words Seungyoon couldn’t really catch up.
“Calm down, guys”, Seungyoon had to shut them up with his best nagging tone. “What the fuck are you doing? Did I miss something?”
“Oh, indeed you did”, Mino laughed from the front seat, turning to face him with a grin Seungyoon wanted to punch just a little too much at the moment.
“Man, you were so obvious I still wonder how we were able to not laugh at you the whole time”, Seunghoon elbowed him in his side and Jinwoo added: “Seriously, Seungyoon, I think I could get killed by your jealous stare”.
“You-“, Seungyoon started angrily, but then sighed deeply, defeated by the dorkiness of his friends. “I’ve never been good at pretending I don’t care, you know”.
“You must like him so much”, Mino chanted happily, bouncing in his seat. “And I think he’s pretty fond of you too”.
“You don’t know, man”, Seungyoon scratched his head, now a bit desperate as this was the time to be honest with his friends. They looked at him with big smiles. “I think he might like me, but not the same way I do”.
Seunghoon patted him on his shoulder. “Well, it’s always a thin blurred line between friendship and something else until your speak your heart out. But as much as we tried our best to make him comfortable because we care about you - never mind our sadistic play to make you jealous as fuck - Taehyun tried his best to be liked by us. And you know because of whom”.
Seungyoon swallowed that lesson with a lighter heart.
Winter came without Seungyoon noticing it. He had so many things going on to think about - actually just one called Nam Taehyun; him and an endless list of details about him he had treasured in the back of his mind.
The way Taehyun waved his hands while he talked of a new song or movie he loved - the perfect, breath-taking smile he had as he got carried by the words and he pulled down this wall he always put on between him and Seungyoon; the way Taehyun lived in an artsy world he did not share with anyone, but he always remembered to show to Seungyoon; the way he knew Seungyoon would listen - to his silence, not only to his words - and how he found pleasure in explaining him the details behind an apparently simple photo, the stories of the people he had decided to portrait, the places he had seen. The way Taehyun turned red when Seungyoon let out a tad too much flirtatious remark and how he covered it up with a dry cough; how his eyes lingered on Seungyoon when he thought he wasn’t watching, while Seungyoon was just pretending to be studying the biggest and most difficult book about pathogens on earth; the way Taehyun was, in every little detail, and how it made Seungyoon’s heart ache but beat at the same time.
So winter and its cold hungry digits seeping through his clothes weren’t that relevant, not when Seungyoon burnt in an unspoken love.
He had learnt to know Taehyun too much, but equally not enough, so he was aware there was some kind of problem between them, by how Taehyun didn’t let him come too closer and avoided to look in his eyes for too long. Yet he didn’t have the courage to bring it on; it was easier to close his eyes and ignore it, as long as he could stay by his side and Taehyun could come back to him, every day.
They met at 9 AM at the cafeteria, or in the library when Seungyoon was submerged by study and Taehyun was bored; at lunchtime in a warm corner of the Medicine faculty or at night when Mino decided they had to hang out with him.
It was one of those times they had a free hour before lunch when Seungyoon asked Taehyun if he could accompany him during his work.
Taehyun commented about how clear the sky was today, because the air was extremely cold and the wind blew swiftly, and how it was a perfect day to take the photos he wanted. Who cared about the mandatory lecture about parasites Seungyoon had right after lunch, he felt like he needed to see him in his own habitat - he wanted to glimpse that other, still unknown side of Taehyun so badly that he couldn’t stop his words to slip away from his mouth.
“Then can I come with you? See you at work”, Seungyoon smiled with everything he had, putting on his best puppy face. Taehyun just looked at him, puzzled and incredulous. He had to shake his head for a moment to go back to his emotionless expression, but the surprise was still slanting his eyebrows up in a never-ending question.
“Ok”, a hint of undeniable happiness in his voice. “We’ve to go back to my place though, I don’t have the proper equipment with me”.
They walked quickly, each one enveloped in his silence. Seungyoon realized he was finally going to find out whether his first hypothesis was right - Taehyun living in his neighbour - and he wasn’t that surprised when they stepped in a building at just five blocks from his place. He rejoiced for his success, dancing dorkily as they climbed the stairs.
He chuckled when he noticed some cats gathered at the door of Taehyun’s apartment, all sitting straight on the linoleum floor as they were waiting for him. Taehyun patted each one of them before he unlocked the door and stepped inside, waving at Seungyoon to tag along.
The claustrophobically small and impersonal doorway was followed by the only big room of the flat: a living room, kitchen and bedroom all in one. Seungyoon carefully avoided looking at the unmade bed on the right corner, feeling a lump in his throat for the slight idea of it. He looked around, hovering over the piles of books perfectly framing the head of the bed by both sides, then the small table for two right at his left, a finished carton of milk on the varnished wood; eventually his eyes fell on the collection of photos all hung up on the wall right in front of him.
“I’ll be back in a minute, I must feed the cats”, Taehyun hurried up from the kitchenette on the left, carrying few cans in his hands. Seungyoon hummed a response and got closer to the wall, uncontrollably attracted by the composition. He was sure it was Taehyun’s. Everything spoke of him in a subtle yet neat way - someone else might not notice it, but Seungyoon knew him enough to see his touch in each photo covering that white wall with colours and emotions.
The pictures on the last row, right under the roof, were of red-flamed sunsets and pink-dewed dawns, slate-coloured storms and snowy clouds; of rainbows and rain and kites carrying secrets to the sky. The second row was bursting with urban landscapes and their city at every hour, light and palette, snaps of those corners he had always overlooked, but Taehyun had managed to capture and show in a click. Under that, there was such a chaotic yet beautiful splash of life, of faces and parties and stories you could tell in just one photo, of hands and kisses and hugs, of loss and grieving and lack - and there, right in the centre-
There was Seungyoon.
The photo Taehyun took the first time Seungyoon saw him with a camera in his hands.
It was taken in autumn and right before noon, so the picture was a blend of warm yellows and oranges, from the leaves behind Seungyoon to the very light that brightened up his face. Taehyun had captured his smile but not only that; you could see the joyful acceptance on Seungyoon’s face and his eyes sparkling with affectionate love.
Seungyoon was bare in Taehyun’s eyes.
“These cats, one day I’ll give up on them and let them starve to death”, Taehyun entered the room, hissing for a painful new long scratch on the back of his left hand. “I need to disinfect it but then we’re ready to go - Seungyoon?”
Seungyoon heard him come closer. “Ah, you were watching this?” he chuckled. “Do you like it? It took a long time to assemble it and it’s never definitive, I like to change some details when I take new photos and I want to-“, but then he fell silent and Seungyoon knew he had realized what he had seen.
Seungyoon turned to face him. Taehyun shifted his eyes from him to his picture to him again, quickly and unfocused. Seungyoon could see the anxiety building up in him, as he looked for a decent excuse to save himself. “I... that photo is very nice. It fitted well with the others in the composition, I thought-“
“Yes, I know”. Seungyoon struggled to say, his voice a low, ragged breath, half-caught in his throat by the emotion that was overtaking him. “Go clean yourself”.
He didn’t offer his expert help, he knew Taehyun wouldn’t let him anyway. He just stood there, his heart clutching in his chest as he tried to rationalize everything he had seen. Failing, because he had reached the point of no return where there were no more numbers or laws to explain what he felt.
He loved Nam Taehyun so much.
And he had this amount of reasons for he could assume it wasn’t a one-sided love - until today, he even had that silly count about probabilities, but now he had lost it all, his last thread of logic gone along with his coolheaded attitude.
However he knew - he just did - that he couldn’t force Taehyun in anything he disliked. Taehyun didn’t want to talk about it, whatever he may or not may feel, so there was not much he could do but linger in this state of aching, incomplete happiness.
“I gave this granny a series of portraits to make her open the front door for me whenever I need it... you have to see the view from this building. The city. Everything”, the crack of passion in his voice didn’t cover the tension underneath, but Seungyoon couldn’t blame him for that. “There is something special about this place”.
And Taehyun was going to share it with him. Seungyoon smiled, staring at his back as they went up to the rooftop. It was one of those things that made his heart inflate with love: the way Taehyun cared for him to the point of always coming back to him, giving him parts of himself that he never showed to anyone else.
They reached the rooftop and set everything in place, waiting for the sunset. “It’s winter so it won’t take too long”, Taehyun said as he positioned his camera on the tripod. “All we have to do is to look”. He waved at the city under their feet, a small smile tugging the corners of his mouth.
Seungyoon walked to the edge of the roof, breathing in the chill air of the afternoon and studying the view ahead: the horizontal and vertical lines of the buildings, dark against the blue of the sky; the cars running on the big ring road, flashes of red and grey and black; the hints of green around, from some balconies and some small parks, still too few compared to the neutral cold grey of concrete; and a certain shade of life that Seungyoon couldn’t classify, here and there in the jam-packed city.
Taehyun was by his side and he was smiling. Seungyoon thought that he was beautiful and he wanted him like never before, but found his wish pointless, for in that shared moment they were just one. It was like this when you told something only yours to another person, anyway.
“I’ve always wondered why you like this so much. I mean, photos of the city from this angle and height. I saw you like to photograph details and faces too, which is the contrary of this... I was curious”.
“Don’t you wanna guess?” Taehyun’s face was hopeful and worried at the same time.
“I find that guessing and assuming can be counterproductive. I want you to tell me”. Seungyoon had enough of everything related to deductions. This time he just wanted to accept everything Taehyun had to say.
“Ok”. Taehyun looked around, breathing deeply as he tried to find the right words. “I really... I think you can be a little biased when you go straight to the core of things. If you just look to details, you might miss the contours, the bigger plan. It’s the same with photography. My photos aren’t just pretty pictures, not all the time at least. I told you I like to capture what it’s important to me. The emotions and stories on a face, its wrinkles, its past written all over the skin can be one - but there is story in a city too, like there is a human being. I’d like to remember it, to see it through my lens and understand it. I’m not good- sometimes I’m not good at grasping everything by just being there, I need to put a lens in-between to catch what it’s before my eyes”.
Seungyoon thought of the photo Taehyun took of him. He thought of the love he had seen in that shot and wondered if it was his or Taehyun’s. Probably both.
“I find peace and beauty in this. And... I love contradictions. Life would be too boring if we stuck all the time to just one thing. I become richer every time I get out from my comfort zone”.
Seungyoon wanted to ask if he could do it once more, for the two of them. If he could just step out from whenever he was now and try. He was sure they could get through it together, whatever his problem was. Instead, he said: “Then, would you let me take a photo with your very precious camera?”
Taehyun winced. “Hell no”.
Seungyoon pouted. “Out of the comfort zone, Nam Taehyun!”
He walked around, pondering his request. “Ok, just one. And be careful. I mean it”. There was a threating tone in his voice and Seungyoon couldn’t help but chuckle.
The sun was almost at the horizon, now, and the sky was turning orange and pink, painting the city with a bright surreal colour. Taehyun watched him as he carefully took his camera in his hands and then turned to look again at the view. “Please, stay like that a little more”, Seungyoon whispered gently, unheard by Taehyun, as he picked the right shot to photograph: Taehyun’s back and the city behind him.
It was almost perfect, but something was missing. Seungyoon called him out and caught that moment: Taehyun turning to face him, a surprised expression on his brow, and the black city and burning sky as his stage.
“This is mine”, Seungyoon giggled as Taehyun took his camera from him and placed it in its rightful spot. “Next time, let’s take some photos together, shall we?”
“Sure”, he said wryly, glancing at him with amusement. “You can bet on that”.
“I’m serious”.
“We’ll see. Now it’s time”.
Taehyun started to work in perfect silent, completely focused on a world only he could see, and Seungyoon sat on the floor, looking at him the whole time.
In the end, Seungyoon managed to drag Taehyun to a photo booth.
They picked up a strange pattern to put as background and started to pose weirdly, making faces at the camera. Seungyoon cling on Taehyun, bringing him closer to him - “It’s for the photos”, he said - and laughed as Taehyun creased his face and pouted his lips in the oddest way.
Seungyoon didn’t know what he was thinking when he decided to kiss Taehyun’s cheek. To be very honest, he could explain it as just one of those idiot behaviours a man in love can assume - he was ok one moment, and the other he had this devastating need to hold him closer, to touch his skin. It wasn’t that new, but this time he couldn’t restrain himself.
Taehyun did it for him, though. He raised a hand to block him from coming closer, smiling awkwardly as he pushed softly on his chest.
The flash of the camera startled Seungyoon and made him realize he’d done something he promised he would never do: he had imposed himself on Taehyun. This was also the instant he decided to run away.
What was left of that moment of weakness was a double set of photos Taehyun hang right on his bed, so he could look at them before he drifted into slumber every night.
Seungyoon learnt how to avoid Taehyun. He had always been the one looking for him, most of the time, and it was funny how he now ran straight from class to class to not be spotted by him, or how he changed his habit of going to the cafeteria or the library because he knew Taehyun could be there.
“Dear lord, you’re being the king of chickens, Kang Seungyoon. I’m gonna do a videogame about how much of a chicken you can be” - that had been the comment of his best friend, Mino.
“Seriously though, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Jinwoo badmouthing him had made Seungyoon jump in surprise, rather than make him feel guilty of cowardice. He already knew he was a spineless, hopeless man at the moment.
“Kang Seungyoon, you’re gonna get your man or I’m gonna kick your ass so hard you won’t have any more pleasure to take-”, Seungyoon had slapped his mouth before Seunghoon could complete the sentence.
“I’ve already tried to tell you that I’m just having a phase. A moment. I need to be alone, I need to get my shit together because I can’t apparently control my urges when I’m with Taehyun and this is not what I want to happen. You know, I want to learn how to get over my feelings before I go back to him because I’d rather give up on my love than him. I don’t want to lose him”, this made his chest hurt hollowly, “I don’t want to lose him. I can’t. So I just need a little more time of me being an ass, a coward, a chicken, a piece of shit before I go back to him with a proper smile on my face so he won’t get worried. I sent him some texts, you know, I told him I need a bit of room and time for myself and I’m sorry I can’t be with him as a friend for now, but I really - I told him I have to study for my exams, which is also true, so would you please leave me alone and let me breath because this-“
He inhaled hardly as he looked down at his feet.
“This has to be fine. For us”.
So he kept going on like that, even if Jinwoo constantly told him that Taehyun was looking for him and he received some texts he was not going to read at all (but he ended up opening them one night and then read them every day before sleeping, a hand on his clutching heart as he could see the hurt and feel of betrayal in Taehyun’s words). He went on without looking at what he had beside, his eyes set to a very next future when he’d be ready to face him again and ask forgiveness for an impulsive act he had never meant to do.
He had to be right, they had to be fine.
So he decided to sacrifice his heart to be sure Taehyun could be happy as he was before, in his comfort zone with a nice thick and invisible wall between their two bodies. He had to.
Seungyoon had tried to understand what was the issue behind it, months ago. Could Taehyun suffer of some sort of anxiety he didn’t know about? Yet he was ok with touching other people, Seungyoon was the only exception. In the end he had gave up, supposing he would tell him one day.
Seungyoon went on like this until spring. The whole word was blossoming around him, chanting an hymn to life and its beauty, but he felt like a withered lost soul in that mess of colours he couldn’t blend in.
Every time he saw one of those plastic bowls full of milk in the corner of some street, he could feel as Taehyun was still with him. He never really left him, even if now he wasn’t texting him anymore, probably pissed off to the point of just giving up on the hope he would get a decent explanation by Seungyoon.
It was one of those days when Seungyoon felt especially blue that he got back home and found Taehyun on his bed.
“What- what’s this sorcery?”
“Jinwoo hyung told me I could wait for you in your room”, Taehyun’s voice was cold and sharp even by saying those quite neutral words and Seungyoon winced in pain, seeing how much he had affected Taehyun even if he didn’t mean to. Taehyun was way more beautiful than he remembered, too. He longed for him every day, but having him right there made it even worse.
“I wasn’t expecting you”.
“Well, I thought I had waited enough”. Still hardness in his voice. Seungyoon gave him his back as he dropped his bag on the chair next to his desk and fidgeted with its zipper to gain some time. He wasn’t ready to face him.
“Seungyoon?” Taehyun called him but he ignored him, gripping the fabric of his jeans as he tried to be calm. “Don’t you think I deserve some sort of explanation? I understand you had exams to pass - something every student in the world has, by the way - but you didn’t contact me for two months”.
Seungyoon just shook his head. He really was the worst coward - this wasn’t him, his usual self, this wasn’t Seungyoon. He sighed.
“Seung-fucking-yoon, do you think I’m some sort of toy you can play with one day and throw away the next day?”
Seungyoon shook his head again, this time to tell him he wasn’t.
“Talk to me”.
“I… I’ve never ever thought like that, Taehyun. I was busy and stressed, you don’t know how much of a whiny nag I can become during my exam session”.
“I don’t know ‘cause you didn’t let me. You didn’t show up anymore, you didn’t reply my texts and you just left me behind without a decent excuse to let me at least delude myself on how you cared about me”.
“That’s not true, you know I care about you”, Seungyoon’s voice wasn’t a whisper anymore, although it didn’t reach the pitch of Taehyun’s. He couldn’t blame him if he wanted to yell at him, anyway.
“You? Care? Then why did you just- why did you gave up on me?”
Seungyoon turned to face him, feeling himself shaking for all the emotions he had bottled up in those months and that were now ready to burst out. “I didn’t give up on you! I did this for you”.
Taehyun was puzzled, his face showing every little change of emotion. The hurt Seungyoon had heard in his voice was still there, in his eyes. The same he had noticed the very first time they met. “You did this for me”.
“Yes”.
“Don’t you dare fool me, Kang Seungyoon, I don’t believe you and your - what is this - shitty scapegoat play you’re putting on. You left me and I just couldn’t believe you could, after all we had”.
“I- I just tried to help you, Taehyun. I didn’t want to hurt you”, he found himself screaming.
“Oh well, you know what?” he winced and then grinned painfully, “You did very well in hurting me. I counted on you like I never did with anyone else in this world”, his voice got lower as he tried to recollect himself without much success, “I showed you everything I had because I trusted you. I- I wanted to share every little stupid thing of my life with you, but you just ran away and abandoned me”.
“I had to. I had to go away to not lose you”, Seungyoon could feel tears welling in his eyes, but he didn’t want to cry, he just wanted to say what he felt without confessing, even if it was almost impossible. “I didn’t want to put you in distress. I knew you didn’t want to- I know you had some kind of problem with me and I just didn’t want to force you, but it hurt so much and I wasn’t strong enough to behave, I guess... I guess”, he lost his voice and just sighed, tears falling silently on his cheeks. He hid his face behind his arm.
Taehyun was silent for a very long moment. “So it was this”.
Seungyoon nodded in his tears, his hands now covering his face. Dear lord, how he ended up here, crying shamelessly like a baby in front of the man he loved? He had some things to work on as soon as Taehyun left him, like how to not be a drama queen or simply be a cooler guy.
“So you just... you wanted to do something, but you couldn’t because you feared it might hurt me?”
Seungyoon nodded again.
“And that something was the same thing you almost did last time?”
“Well, sort of”.
Taehyun chuckled. Seungyoon peeked through his fingers to see him start laughing like a crazy man, rolling on his bed as he held his belly with his hands. Seungyoon stopped crying for the shock.
“What are you doing?”
“Oh, Seungyoon, I’m so happy”, Taehyun said before he sprang from the bed and reached for him. He hugged him with his whole body, fully and passionately, and Seungyoon stood stone-like, too surprised by the sudden action and even more because it was Taehyun doing it. Touching him, hugging him. Maybe he had smoked some sort of freaking-strong weed and he couldn’t remember it, so now he was hallucinating.
“We’ve been so stupid”, Taehyun said right on his mouth before he kissed him.
Well, if he was hallucinating, Seungyoon had to enjoy it till the end. He cupped his face with his hands and drowned in his kiss, finally enjoying the feel of his mouth over his. Taehyun tasted of candies and milk and cinnamon and his lips were heaven on earth, soothing Seungyoon’s hurt soul like nothing else could do.
The kiss was sweet and slow, as they learnt to feel the other one.
Seungyoon breathed on his skin, a bit dizzy, and kissed his chin and cheek, trailing every line of the face he had longed to touch for a very long time. Taehyun giggled for the ticklish sensation, resting his hands on his nape and leaning on him again, to capture his lips in another kiss.
This time, Seungyoon nipped his lips to have access to his mouth. He lazily twirled his tongue around Taehyun’s, savouring every moment without hunger. It was then that he heard an odd pop close to his ears, so he opened his eyes to check what it was, but Taehyun clung on him with a newfound need.
Seungyoon was pushed to his desk without having the time to realize it. He lost himself in Taehyun’s arms, as he kissed him hardly and tried to feel him more. Seungyoon put a hand on his lower back, to bring him impossibly close, and gulped in surprise when he touched something... warm and furry.
He opened his eyes again and pushed Taehyun away. Far enough to see him.
“This…”
Taehyun frowned and then nodded, sighing. “Yes”.
“So this is why you... you didn’t want to-”
“Right. But I couldn’t really stop myself to keep looking for you, to stay by your side and wish for more every time we met. I couldn’t help my feelings”.
“Yet you were scared I might…”
Taehyun bobbed his head twice, this time smiling. “But I decided I could trust you a very long time ago. I wasn’t brave enough to speak up, though”.
Seungyoon sighed and looked at him, unsure of what to do now. He had never expected something like this, most probably because this wasn’t logical or scientific or even possible, yet Taehyun was right before his eyes and he couldn’t deny it. Nam Taehyun was here in his room, they had kissed (and they liked each other quite a lot) and now he had a pair of black cat ears and a long thick tail to complete the picture.
Or probably, to mess it all up.
*
( part II)