Foo...

[koalayummy]

I am struggling and alone, so I will try this.  JJ is participating in relay for life at his school tonight.  He won't get back till 6am.  I wonder if maybe my body is sad because it subconsciously knows that nobody wanted to hang out with me tonight with JJ gone.  I have plenty of friends, but the only person who is ever interested in doing things with me when JJ's not around is Ali.  JJ's parents are picking me up in an hour and a half to go see him play a concert for the event.  I'm glad they're coming because I didn't want to have to go alone.  It wasn't a bad day.  It's still light outside and warm enough that I could play outside if I wanted to.  I was laying in bed beside the open window reading Black Boy, and thinking about how it always makes me feel better when I go outside.  And that maybe if I could just make myself go do it, I would feel better.  But I couldn't make myself do it, because everything I thought about doing seemed pointless and arbitrary, as long as I was alone.  It seems worth it to go check out the river when I have a companion.  Or to go geocaching or rollerblading or poking about the cemetery.  But I'm not willing to invest in any of that if it's just going to be me.  It feels like setting the table with real dishes and tableware and candles for a dinner alone.  What's the point?  When I'm eating alone, I tend to make something crummy, like mac-n-cheese, and eat it directly out of the same pot I cooked it in.  Or other times, I don't eat at all.  Like now.

Egads.  The biggest ant I've ever seen just crawled across my monitor and it felt like a bazooka blew out my heart.  ::Placed ant on dresser top gently and told heart to not be so hyper::

I feel a little better.  I will go give the outside thing a try before it changes.