Movie Thoughts: Elektra (2005)
We watched Elektra today..... Evil Koala rather likes writing about bad movies and this certainly was one!
I wasn't trying to be a machochist. I didn't watch 'Daredevil' because I cannot stand Ben Affleck, but I wanted to watch 'Elektra' because I genuinely like Jennifer Garner. I thought she was great in Alias and I thought she was really funny in '13 going on 30'. She's also genuinely convincing as a kick-ass female in a strong role.
She was the best part of this movie, but that's not saying a lot because ... this was still a pretty bad movie :)
The storyline is sort of simple. In the battle between good and evil, a Chosen One has been born and both the good and the evil sides want her. "The Hand" is evil - they are a group of notionally Japanese people, led by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa the token Asian bad guy in lots of movies. The bad guys have super powers and for some reason disappear in a puff of green smoke when they are killed - consider it a combination of Buffy the Vampire Slayer vampires and the baddies in Power Ranges who explode into purple goo.
The 'good' is notionally represented by Stick (Terence Stamp) who is about as Oriental as KFC. At one point he was the teacher of a rebellious Elektra.
His role is to appear out of the blue now and then, spout very annoying faux/quasi-mystical Eastern babble and then disappear again - unfortunately not permanently. :P He leads a band of funky ninjas who to be rebellious, dress in ..... white .... which seems to kind of totally defeat the notion of being a ninja which is to wear black and be disguised in darkness.
But moving on.....
Elektra is a borderline superheroine, acting as an assassin for cash. She is given a job to kill Mark Miller (Goran Visnjic) and his teenage daughter, Abby (Kirsten Prout). I wasn't a huge fan of Goran Visnjic in his turn in 'Practical Magic' nor did I like him much in 'ER'. I'm sure he's very attractive but his appeal is lost on me. Kirsten Prout is kind of a Poor Man's Anna Paquin and Abby is talented, gifted, troubled ie. a brat.
We discover that Abby is the Chosen One but since she won't join The Hand, she and her father are to be eliminated. Elektra for a number of different reasons, falls for Mark although the chemistry between Visnjic and Garner is more of a splat than a sizzle and she develops ooey gooey protective and maternal feelings for Abby. Possibly because Abby also looks like Elektra did when she was a kid and just like Abby, her mother was killed by The Hand when she was but a child. You know the drill. Therefore, she becomes their reluctant protector.
Enter, Elektra's arch enemy and nemesis - Kirigi (Will Yun Lee). Naturally as a bad guy, he has a group of henchmenhenchpeople with evil powers.
There is Tattoo , a guy whose body is covered with tattoos of animals which come to life to wreak havoc on people in CGI nastiness. There's also Stone (Bob Sapp), a guy who just stomps around looking large and immovable.
Last but not least, Typhoid who seems to bring death and withering to all those around her.
I know that they mean for it to be her 'aura' that is causing her to kill things but given that they show her 'breathing' on people and all plants, trees, grass and people withering and dying around her - it really looks for all the world as if she has a severe bad breath and body odour problem. :P How else are you supposed to take it when things wither and die after she breathes on them or kisses them?
She also hasn't leant from the 'less is more' school of thought in how to apply make-up.....
Elektra uses the metaphysical mobile phone to speak to Kirigi - staring into space vaguely and summoning him.
"We will fight where it all began" she intones, possibly cringing on the inside at how incredibly bad her lines are. He babbles something about the place where it all began being the place where it will all end. In short, it's back at her old home where her mother was killed.
I'm sure you're asking what Kirigi's amazing super power is? I'm not sure, but we concluded that he is Lord of the Bedsheets given that he is dressed impractically in flowing white robes.
In his major battle scene with Elektra, he causes all number of white bedsheets to fly all around the room and annoy her. Scenes from the Bedsheet Battle:
See the bedsheets?
It's possible that his powers extend to tablecloths as well, perhaps he also has power over all fabric - cotton, silk, polyester, linen ..... presumably the only requirement is that it's large, flat and white.
When he can't ruffle sheets, he ruffles ... hair ...
Don't get me started on the clothes. The only good sequence in the whole movie is the first scene when Elektra is 'hunting' a crime boss, taking down his bodyguards in the darkness, menacing and deadly. The only problem is, she clearly learned her lack of 'blending in' costumes from her mentor given that she is wearing a bright red satin outfit. :P Dull red leather would have been sexy and practical - allowing her to blend into the shadows more easily.
Instead, Elektra wears very shiny red satin:
Sometimes her bright, shiny satin knickerbocker pants look all right (like above), but sometimes they just look really ... large .... and strange.
She also wears the bra from hell:
The movie isn't completely without merit. The settings are beautiful, some of the fight sequences despite the endless sheets and billowing hair are quite impressive and Garner puts in a very good performance. It's a shame she's let down by the storyline and the weak characterisation. I had to cringe when the bad guy announces:
"Muahahaha - we meet again ..."
Then I started thinking: "Errr of course you meet again. It's not like it's a surprise, I mean you made an appointment to meet again. That's what the whole 'end where it all began' exchange was all about.
Also, I've asked this before, but why is it that people always sit up after they wake up from a nightmare in movies and on television. Is it because they have better upper body strength than I do that they don't just kind of shudder awake with a whimper while still lying down?
Maybe I need to do a poll. When you wake up from a nightmare, do you sit straight up like they do in the movies? :)