Nutso Rant.
School starts soon in a couple of days. It really came up out of nowhere. I suppose it's because I haven't been paying that much attention to it. Like usual, I am an impractical creature, living always in the confines of my head. With the slap of reality that I would be going back soon and with all the usual menial things that come with higher education here in the United States;I have to fill out papers, get books, pick up passes, and figure out a bunch of other little annoying hurdles all of which I've realized, I'm no good at- I have come to the conclusion that I have made very little of my life-prefering instead to be locked up in my room with my overactive imagination. I'm fortunate that more practical people love me and that I know, that there will always be a basement for me to live in. XD Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining and I'm not searching for pity or comfort. I say this almost like I just made a connection between two ideas in my head, a Eureka moment. An acquntaince on Facebook wrote that the best advice she ever got was from her Grandpa when he was teaching her to ride a bike. "If you keep looking back, you're going to fall!" Of course, that applies to life. I'm going to try to do my best to follow that.
I can be the most difficult of people to be around. I'm told I'm very nice and that's true. I despise cruelty in any of its forms. But what makes me so difficult is I am one fucking righteous ass bastard and there's no getting around it. I'm most eloquent when I am pissed off-which actually takes very little to do. Just by watching the news, I get so revved up that I am like a tightly packed Supernova ready to explode-or rather implode and if you are the sorry soul who happens to be keeping me company that day, your ears will not rest and mind you, I talk like Ruki talks, a never ending stream of chatter. How I got this way, I don't know. I guess I can blame Bono. XD But the reason I bring this up is this element of my personality has made it difficult for me to stick to anything. I used to study literature until the whole culture of it began to repulse me, I got into acting and nearly quit when sitting in a seminar about agencies and the agent presenting, picked out three "pretty" girls out of the crowd-which I was one and said this is what agents are looking for. And I never felt so out of place and sick in my life. Go figure though, right? I should have expected that but I guess if I wasn't standing up, I wouldn't have felt so horrible. But the whole incident took the wind out of my sails and without realizing it, changed my whole perspective on acting in general even unwillingly. I know of course that there are theatres and I know that they aren't shallow piss holes but you know, I felt deflated and I couldn't recover. But I can't contribute everything to that one incident. It was a row of different things and I guess in the end, I realized that even though I like acting-and still plan to do it to some extent, nothing compares at all to writing. I write like an addict. And that's how I was before I gave it up a while ago (It's a long story, I won't get into it. But it was the result of depression, something I know a lot you experience as well) but now, it's different and I've come to the conclusion that I want to be writer again. But you know, I don't want to do it "professionally." I want to write for myself and for my audience or the nonexistent audience-not for agents and not for those stuffy, 'educated' bastards who live in Victorianstyle mansions in small town New York. I want to enjoy it. I don't want to live the publish or perish lifestyle of the insecure writer-which so many are, who commit to useless rules like never start off a chapter with dialogue!!!!! I have to admit when people say shit like that, makes you want to do it. XDDD
But you know...that isn't a profession. I don't want it to be. And I know I've told you guys that I wanted to make films. And I do. But I realize that I don't really LOVE film that much. What I mean is, I don't love it enough to deal with all the BS that goes with it. So, now, I'm going back to school. I've changed my major to Communications (which has under it theatre) and I'm not even sure I want to really do this shit anymore. I know though that its a general major but to be honest, I'm a bit weirded out that I'm not studying something that I bleed into (i.e. Literature) and I wonder how that will make me as a student. In all probability, I will find something to get worked up over and get overly passionate about. I swear its the Irish blood in me mixing with the proud Native. Or maybe I have a bit of Russian blood in me somewhere. Maybe in past life, I was a Russian poet! .... I am getting ahead of myself. All in all, I feel somewhat lost. What I mean is, I don't really know what lies beyond this moment and it feels strangeee. Well, I'm a strange person and i don't say that like I think I'm cool or anything. I'm not cool at all. I'm rather UNcool and that's what makes me strange. For starters, I honestly CANNOT ever feel comfortable in a normal social environment with people my age. I would rather be in a room full of old people than young adults. And when confronted with a young man who is interested in me, I feel like I should run under a rock and I feel not like a young woman but an alien who is indisguise....I sound like I am overreacting but you know there has to be something up if I have reached 22 and never ever had a boyfriend.There's nothing really wrong with me. I'm told I'm attractive and smart and nice but um....still, nothing. Hmmm I suppose this bothers me because I am a romantic, a horrific romantic and I do want to fall in love (we have that in common Mr. Aoi) but I almost wired not to fall in love. I know to this people will respond "You'll find someone!" and I hope it's true but it's not going to happen by the normal routes.... Ah! Since this has turned into stream of conscious, I guess I will say the closest I ever been in love was with a girl...and I'm not gay. I don't think. O_o Whatever, I don't care. If it's a girl, fine by me!
Ahhh but enough of this random ass crap.... I think I need to make some steps in becoming a real adult. Maybe I'll get a real job and think about moving out-Ughhh the idea pains me but I'll never feel like one until my dad stop monitoring my every move. I need to transform and change....someway, somehow....
It just occured to me, I should just work for UNICEF or something like that and then I will be happy. Well, an aspect of me will be.
This turned into a terrible rant. If you got this far, I commend you and thank you.
Maybe you know a bit too much about me now. :/
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I found this on tumblr. Note, Uruha's obvious erection and the way he is leaning up against Aoi. XDD See Aoi...you have a chance!!!!!!!
Gif belongs to http://linda-candydive-pinkheaven.tumblr.com/